Crazy as a Loom

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A decision.

Northeast New York is in the grip of some evil spell.
It's called winter.
Everything is so blackandwhite.
If you know what I mean.

This old barn is just down the road from the studio.  I think it is sad that it just sits there, empty and unused.

I hear they used to have dances here.  It is big enough.

I think it has some awesome potential.

L's sister has a stray cat issue at her house, and this little guy needed a home.

Lucky for him, my former apprentice who got a real job, Tammy, just got her own house.
So she came and fetched him home.
He is now MOOSE.

He will be super spoiled, and super loved.  I used to call Tammy the cat whisperer, if that tells you anything.

This looks like a barn door, doesn't it?

Well, actually, it is the door I am taking.  To be a better person, a better daughter.

I realized, after much anguish, that I have been operating under some delusions.
That my mother could be 'convinced' to be her old self.
That my mother will live forever.
That I was doing enough.
None of these are true.
My mother is changing.  She is reverting to her childhood.  The mother I knew is fleetingly present, and  I take her for granted.  That she will always be here.  That the status quo is OK.
It's not.
I need to do more, be more, accept more.
Time for me to change, because honestly, she can't.

Tomorrow night we are going to dinner and a movie, The King's Speech, which she will love, since she was a child in England when it all happened.
And later in the week, we are going to the thrift store, and to lunch.

I will make a change, this week, and every week, for as long as I have her.
This is the door, that I need to push open, and walk through, or I will regret it for the rest of my life.


mudmaven said...

Can't even begin ... this post touched ... everything. Thank you. I've been lurking, not saying anything, but couldn't let this one pass without acknowledgment ... thanks, thanks, thanks ~christine

Anonymous said...

I've been a silent reader for a long time. I just had to comment on this post. You have made a decision that you will NEVER, EVER regret! Some people never "get it" until it's too late. Fortunately, you have realized how important it is to make some changes in the way you think and act towards your mom. You will never look back with sorrow over the things you "should have done". Beautiful post!

Marsel said...

Good for you, and for her. You will always be glad you made this decision. You may groan over the difficulty of it at times, but you will never regret it!

Hilary said...

Some good decisions being made here. I'm glad for you, your Mom and very grateful for people like Tammmy. That cat is adorable.. and I love that weathered barn with much potential. A very symbolic post.

Glenda said...

I completely agree with Anonymous and Marsel-you will never regret this decision. I moved in with my 90 year old parents when my father needed more care than my mother could provide. Was never close to my dad and never thought I could do it. One day I just knew it was what needed to be done. It's the best thing I could have done for them and for me.

TexWisGirl said...

Wonderful for both of you. It's such a difficult thing to accept. My sister fought against it SO HARD with our mom. It was so difficult to hear about from 1,100 miles away and not be able to help either.

I love Moose! What a cutie!

Rain said...

Oh Hilary-I am so where you are-and trying also to do the right thing-I'm trying-it is difficult-but you've expressed it so eloquently. I love her very much-but we've never been the good friends that so many mother and daughters are-but every day I am going to do something-some little thing to make the day a little better day~for us both.

Karen said...

Moose is adorable!!!.... I love happy tails :-)

You are doing a wonderful thing for both of you,Hilary. You will not regret the time you choose to spend with your mom.

love that old barn - what a beauty.

A Brit in Tennessee said...

Such a touching post, I wish I had my mum close by to enjoy a movie and luch with.
Enjoy her companionship whilst you can, I admire your decision.
Love that old barn !

Suzabella said...

Thank you for all your posts. Seems like you are a friend discussing things that we are both going through.

Donna S. said...

Hilary, A great revelation. But, don't forget you are human, too!! Take it easy on yourself, too. It is a hard road you are on right now. Again, I love the colors & weaving.

Stickhorsecowgirls said...

Love the old barn--wish I could move it here to my property! Old barns are quickly disappearing from the American landscape. Suzanne from has a real passion about it! She has written some great posts about this.
Wise decision concerning your mom. My mom is quickly slipping away due to dementia (she is suffering from Alzheimer's Disease). I was trying to talk myself out of traveling to Alabama to see her this weekend because I am SO weary. Perhaps I should reconsider.

Anonymous said...

Mmmm...Are you looking at that lovely barn with thoughts of how many looms it could hold?

deborah said...

My mother has a form of Alzheimer's, and I need to make the same decision you've made. It's just so very hard to watch them lose the memories of what once was- but after reading this I'm going to make a concerted effort to spend as much time as I can with her. Bless you for being so wise.

Doris said...

I have read your posts for over a year and never commented but this post makes me say "GOOD FOR YOU HILLARY" There comes a time when the mother becomes the child and the child becomes the mother. I think that is the realization that you have come to. You will never regret this decision - only that there is never enough time.

Peg Cherre said...

Hilary - I agree with everyone about how great your decision is , but feel I must reiterate Donna S. Remember that you are one person, one woman, and one with other family members and your own health you must pay attention to. Be kind to your mother, and also be kind to yourself.

dawn said...

I found this touching. Having experienced it more than once, I appreciate what you're going though and I'm glad you have your weaving to sustain you. Enjoy your time with your mother, it's as precious as you think.

spindrift,maine said...

Hilary--you are doing a good thing here. But I caution you to approach this new goal with some openness to your own fallibility. It won't always come out perfectly, because we are all merely human, even with the best of intentions. It is right that you are thinking hard about this, and resolving to make changes. Just give yourself room to feel what you need to, and rest when you need to, as well. I have found a book that has been a real help to me as I try hard to do the right thing being with my husband as he proceeds down this road. It is called "Ten Thousand Joys & Ten Thousand Sorrows: A Couple's Journey Through Alzheimer's" by Olivia Ames Hoblitzelle. It is a generous, beautifully written, inspiring book. Even though it is about couples, the lessons are universal. After all, it is all about love, and loss, and adaptation. xo

linda said...

Cherish your mom ~ even when she irritates the dickens out of you.

And don't forget to cherish yourself.

Country Girl said...

This is what happens when I don't get out and about. I miss so much.

You are right. About everything. She is incapable of changing. It's up to you now.

So touching, so poignant.

{{{ hugs }}}

Tammie said...

I admire what you are doing. My Mom lives far away so I have been trying to be there more through daily phone calls and mail. Still it's hard to watch them change into the children. Your mother is a lucky woman to have you.

amysue said...

I know how you are feeling with your mom. I lost my dad to Alzheimers a few years ago and now my mom is suffering from it also. We have had to move her into a nursing home in the last year. Be sure to take advantage of any support that you can.

Sharon said...

This final time has no do-overs. I have been left with many regrets. I hope you won't have them.

Welcome to my world.

Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts