Northeast New York is in the grip of some evil spell.
It's called winter.
Everything is so blackandwhite.
If you know what I mean.
This old barn is just down the road from the studio. I think it is sad that it just sits there, empty and unused.
I hear they used to have dances here. It is big enough.
I think it has some awesome potential.
L's sister has a stray cat issue at her house, and this little guy needed a home.
Lucky for him, my former apprentice who got a real job, Tammy, just got her own house.
So she came and fetched him home.
He is now MOOSE.
He will be super spoiled, and super loved. I used to call Tammy the cat whisperer, if that tells you anything.
This looks like a barn door, doesn't it?
Well, actually, it is the door I am taking. To be a better person, a better daughter.
I realized, after much anguish, that I have been operating under some delusions.
That my mother could be 'convinced' to be her old self.
That my mother will live forever.
That I was doing enough.
None of these are true.
My mother is changing. She is reverting to her childhood. The mother I knew is fleetingly present, and I take her for granted. That she will always be here. That the status quo is OK.
I need to do more, be more, accept more.
Time for me to change, because honestly, she can't.
Tomorrow night we are going to dinner and a movie, The King's Speech, which she will love, since she was a child in England when it all happened.
And later in the week, we are going to the thrift store, and to lunch.
I will make a change, this week, and every week, for as long as I have her.
This is the door, that I need to push open, and walk through, or I will regret it for the rest of my life.