When I don't blog for a month, I wonder if that's an indication that I should give it up, but then I don't.

It's been a difficult month since I posted.  The rib fractures have been a challenge, as I am sure anyone who has had them will attest.

I suddenly started feeling short of breath, after a couple of doctor appointments and a chest xray, it was determined that I had some pleural effusion right where the fractures were.....which is fluid accumulated in the space between your chest wall and your lung.  It presses on the lung, and affects your breathing.

So last week I had a thoracentesis, where they go in with a catheter and hopefull draw off the fluid.  I was hoping that was the end of the story, but of course it was not.

Call from the doctor who is concerned that I accumulated blood from the fractures themselves, and if it it blood, it has to come out.  So today I had a CT scan, and I am waiting for the results.

So I  may have to see a thoracic surgeon to remove the blood in the O.R.

Of course, none of this was what I wanted to hear, but what I finally decided was that I was going to accept whatever came to me.   If the news is good, if the fluid will reabsorb on its own with time, I will accept that.  If they say I have to see the surgeon, then I will accept that, and get on with it.

Because, ultimately, I know, that I have zero control over any of it.  And I know, that acceptance is the answer to all  my problems today.

When I finally settled on that, I felt some relief.  It was becoming a bit too easy to slide down that rabbit hole of worry and anxiety.

So I chose something else.

In the meantime, my house is on the market.

I know, it's a shock to me too.

In the end it came down to just wanting to be closer to my three daughters and my seven grands.  I am far enough away that I don't see them much.  The younger ones have baseball and soccer, and school, and their schedules don't leave much time for a trip to Mimi's that requires two hours on the road.

I want to spend time with the three most important people on the planet, my girls.

This house has been my passion for 21 years.  I have brought it back to life, I've spent pretty much every cent I ever had on it.

But it's way big for just me, and way too much work for me.

The yard is again, too big. too much money to maintain.

And in the winter, I am more isolated than ever.  Many times I have missed family get togethers, because the highway between us was dangerous.

The house has been shown a few times, and I am just stepping back and watching the whole thing unfold.

As with the medical, I am choosing to go with it, not worry about it, not try to control it in any way, just let life unfold.

I have faith that it will unfold exactly as it should.

I have been weaving a little, in 10 minute increments.  At first it wasn't possible, the rib pain was excruciating, but as the weeks passes, I could do a little at a time.   I actually set my phone timer for 10 minutes.  Seriously.

But eventually I took this piece off the loom, there was some satisfaction in that.

Since February, when Goldie transitioned to being a house cat with outdoor 

time, I have made sure he was in every night.  But last week, he wouldn't come in, and though

I tried, I couldn't find him.

I even got up twice in the night and looked for him on the porch.

Finally, at 6:30 am I went out there, and he was there.  He came in and it was clear that something had happened to him.  He could barely walk.  He was limping and trying to stay on his feet.    

I thought he had possibly had a stroke, or a blood clot, which I hear is common in older cats,

so I called the vet.

They saw him that morning....and the upshot of it was, "He got beat up by something."

So after a rabies shot and an antibiotic, for a puncture wound they found on his leg,

I brought him home with pain meds. 

He slept for 3 days.  He would only eat a little cooked chicken, which I had because I was making dog food in the crock pot.

Now he is going out for an hour or two in the morning, and then again in the afternoon, and 

then he is in for the night.  

He is getting better, thankfully.

My trail cam has been on the porch, and caught a HUGE raccoon out there two nights in a row, and a large stray cat.

I vote for the raccoon.

He's lucky I don't own a gun.

Goldie, the cat who lived outside my house for 9 years, in his solar house, and his house with a heated pad, now spends a great deal of time on the couch under my arm, purring loudly.

Maybe that is what you call retirement.

Change

I am so grateful for the years that I have done this blog..........for all the friendly people I have met, and for the memories that I can turn back to, any time I want.

Today I went to see Lois in the nursing home, where she has ended up.   Another friend of hers, who has been her friend since childhood, drove us over there.

We didn't stay long.

She is in a wheelchair, she clearly can't walk, and can only stand with assist.  She wasn't wearing her glasses, but she did not care one bit.  She didn't know us, and she had no clue where she was, or what we were talking about.

She smiled when she saw me, but I think it was a smile she would have given anyone, who knelt down in front of her.

We both left in tears.   My dear friend, and apprentice of 13 years, who I saw daily, is truly gone.

Only her body remains, and that probably not for long.

Here she is demonstrating weaving at the county fair.

I have so many memories of her.   We spent Monday through Friday every week, together in the studio.  Weekends, we still saw each other because we walked the dogs.

She was one of the kindest hearted people I have ever known.  We talked, we laughed, we groaned about things.  We agreed on politics, so we had lots of discussions about it.

We could talk and talk, or we could just  be comfortable with silence.  Either was ok.

We worked together warping looms and doing shows like a right and left hand, always in sync.

Her presence in my life was a pleasure and a comfort.

There are so many anecdotes in my head about all our day trips, loom rescue, cat rescues, shows, weaving, kayaking, camaraderie.

I am so, so broken this minute, and the only consolation in all of it is that Lois, 

the Lois I have known, my dear friend, is 100% unaware of any of it.

Thank God.

Update

Just an update on what's going on in my life.

One week ago today I fell down the stairs, spent 6 hours in the Emergency Room, and ended up with 2 broken ribs, # 11 and 12.   I also fractured the transverse processes of L 1, 2 and 3.

It's been a tough week.  

When I was in the ER, I was supposed to be upstairs visiting my dear friend, who has been battling Rheumatoid lung for months.

While I was in the ER, I got the call that she had died.  

Thankfully, another friend had taken my place as soon as I called her and told her of my own dilemma.  But still, I was crushed.  I wanted to be with her.  

Luckily, I had gone to see her the night before, and we talked about death, and life, and her situation.   

Yesterday I got a call, from Lois's sister.  Lois had fallen, and the Memory Care Unit that she has been in  for two years, would not accept her back, as she can't really walk.  So now she is in the nursing home.

My head is spinning, my heart is hurting, and my body is suffering from the insult of tossing myself down the stairs.

The positive side of all this is that I have amazing daughters, and amazing friends.  They have been just lovely, and kind, and have gotten me through this, as I am unable to manage a huge list of things.

Sorry this is so short, but I just don't have much more to offer.

I will be back, and do better.

H

Minutia

I absolutely think you are right that early morning in the dark, gloomy thoughts can prevail.   

The sun coming through the windows does make a difference.

Also, I agee, that we are so spoiled.  I have always known that my family in England spend

an inordinate amount of money for gas (petrol), which is why they drive the smallest cars they can find.   But since my first visit to England in 1964, I have been quite aware just how spoiled Americans are.   We have so much, and overall, most people have no idea how well off they are, and have no idea how expensive things are in other countries.   I was always shocked by how little "space" they have in England....small houses, small yards.....after all it is a small country.  Compared to our huge houses, and huge yards, it made quite an impact on me. 

In 2001, I went to Guatemala on a medical mission.   I came home thinking that everyone should have a "3rd world experience", just once.  If you want to know how spoiled and priveleged we really are, I highly recommend it.

I don't drive around much, so higher gas prices won't be too hard on me.  A tank of gas lasts me quite a while.

It's $4.03 in my neighborhood, and will probably get a lot higher.

Insulating my house isn't an option......because it's a post and beam house, there are no spaces in the walls for insulation, which means "studding up" the walls would be the only way to go, and with the price of lumber and insulation, it would not be feasible.  I am too old to reap the rewards of such a venture.

On a happier note, I just got the statement from my fuel company, and I have to admit, I must have read the last one wrong......I did not spend as much as I thought I did, and it wasn't as scary as I had imagined.    I could still find ways to cut back, but maybe not as drastically as I thought.....although again, who knows how much fuel will be this coming winter.

Only time will tell.

I am going to get heavy drapes for two of my doors that are drafty, cheaper I think than putting in new doors.   I am also going to do some research on the option of turning down heat at night, versus leaving the thremostat alone.   I know some say that it doesn't save you any money, but I can't see how that is true.

Today I hauled myself over to Aldi's, a bit out of my comfort zone, as I usually shop 3 miles down the road from my house.  But every time I go, I am glad that I did, and today was no exception.  I have 5 bags here, and honesly some of them are too heavy, but that's how many I took into the store.....and it came to $113.   Usually I leave my grocery store with 3 or 4 bags, and it is always over $100.  Plus their veggies and fruit are mostly nicer.  A whole pineapple for $1.55, and a gorgeous canteloupe, that was huge, for $2.29.   I had a list, and I didn't think that I would find everything on my list in that store, but I did.

Organic tofu........$1.55.  I am shopping their MORE OFTEN.   For sure going forward, as we anticipate higher prices for food that we are paying even now.

I'm not sure if I have already shared these, but they are my new favorite purchase, so here they are anyway.

Amazon......about $15 for 48 of them.

If you have dry eye, and boy do I ever have it....they are the bomb.   I put it on at bedtime...it stays warm for an hour, and when I wake up, usually in the night sometime, I take it off.

My dry eye has improved greatly doing this.

MYEBONG.....that is the brand name of these, but there are several vendors.

I have been doing a little spring cleaning......this front bedroom upstairs got some 

downsizing and cleaning.

It has my stepper machine in the window, and other than that, I use this room to wind skeins on my electric skein winder, and to wind cones on my electric cone winder, and to store thread, obviously.

This is only some of my yarn stash, there is more downstairs.  I have gotten rid of a

lot of it though.

In the hallway right outside this room is where I play with watercolors sometimes.

Play is the operative word, I am not very good.

It has been way too warm in my humble opinion....I know it is somewhat of a relief after the winter we have had, but I hate it when we jump from winter to summer, with no spring in the middle.

I need to ease into it.

I do love my house, but some days I wish it were not on the NYS highway.  There is way too much traffic.  Either I don't hear it at all, or it drives me wild.    So clearly, it is me that's the problem.

Maybe I need a nap.

.     

Case of nerves

Am I the only one getting a little nervous here?  I wonder if it's because I'm on my own these days...........but yesterday the talk on the radio talk show, the "Round Table", was that the projection for gas prices is $5-6/gallon.   OK, I don't drive far, I can probably deal with that, but the price of OIL and of ELECTRICITY  will go up as well.  And those are things that I do have to have.  they predict that we are going to be feeling the pinch, and soon.

So my brain is struggling to figure out how this will work.   

I do have some savings, but not a nest egg that makes me feel untouchable, for sure.

I can't just get in my car and drive to warmer climates, I have dogs, and a cat.  Not to mention that driving long distances at my age is daunting.  After a couple of hours, I remove my stiff body from the car, and imagine that I am a pretzel for the duration.

I can't move in with any of my kids, for the same reason.........either they don't have animals in their house, and don't want any, or they have too many animals already, and more would be pandemonium.  Anyway, it would be unfair to my own.

Someone suggested that I do major work on my house to insulate.  Well, that is difficult.  My house is a post and beam....the studio built in 1790, the main part of the house in 1810.  There are NO studs, and no spaces for insulation.  The walls are wood on wood on wood.....siding, wood wall, lathe and plaster..........so the only way to insulate is to stud up the inside walls.....making all the windows "set in", insulate, put up dry wall, plaster and paint.

You hear the sound of $$$$$, right?  Because I do.  The price of construction materials is out of this world....so to stud up all the outside walls, on the inside of the house, would be quite the pricey venture.

There are also SIPs......which are structural insulation panels, that you put on the outside of your house.......and the windows are "set in", but on the outside of the house instead of the inside.....and again.....astronomical prices.

I could BUY a wood stove.....more $$......would need a special chimney built.....and then I would have to BUY wood, and I would have to haul it in, tend the fire, etc.  I have done all that before, several times in my life, but I sure was a lot younger.

I could sell the house, but buyers would also be thinking that they would have to heat this big old place.  And every time I see a house that I might be interested in, it is gone within the week.......there are a whole group of people looking to buy, perusing the market daily, and jumping on anything good in my price range.

The one thing that might work is to shut off most of the house, turn the heat way, way down there, and live in just the studio, which is the sunniest, warmest, easiest to heat part of the house.  It would be somewhat restrictive, and I would definitely not like it much, but it might be my only option.  Unfortunately.

We are, as a culture, very spoiled, I know.  And that includes me.  

I love my huge, old house, and I love that I can ramble around it all on long winter days.

I have been blessed to have done it all these years, I know.

But maybe not this coming year, eh???

No photos today.  Just me, thinking out loud.

What are you all going to do???   Because we are all in this together.

Gratitude

Towels are done.  I am told that they look a little Christmas-y.  I can't explain why I chose those colors at this time.   I like them anyway.

This is my towel stash so far......88 with about 20 more on the loom.

Who's counting?    I am, of course.

Looking at my heating bill for this winter, I realize that something has to change.

I am considering how I can turn my heat down, and move through the house with the sun.

Weaving in the sunlit studio in the daytime.

And using the gas stove......with the beautiful glass windows on three sides.....

in the living room in the evening.

I think I can get my heat bill down, if I don't try to heat the huge dining room and kitchen 

the same as the rest of the house.   That's my plan anyway.

My friend and neighbor says I should just move into the studio which has it's own source of heat, and gets sunlight all day long.

I could but I really don't want to move my entire kitchen.

I'm trhing to think it through, and not be impulsive.  Goldie is givingi it all some thought as well.

Before I forget........to answer the question about the blinds, they just keep the draft out.  When looking at the window with an infrared light, the change was dramatic.............purple for super cold with the shade up, and orange ....much warmer when the shade was down.  That was my only goal.

And hello KATHY BOYD!!!   I remember you doing your weaving weekend here......seems like a long time ago.

I love hearing from old friends.....bloggers that I have met along the way, and students I have taught to weave.  I wish I had kept a list of all those students, there have been so. many.

I recently found a treasure.....I've been looking for one close enough to buy, for a long time.

 

I just took it over to my neighbor, who inspected the cord, and did a small repair, so it's safe.  It is really old.  It will make ironing my towels a whole lot easier.

Yesterday I had a physical at with my primary GP.   I haven't had one in ages, and I needed to 

have a resource that was up to date, when and if I need one.

He said I was in "pretty good shape".......he didn't say "for your age", even though I heard it 

clearly.   It's OK, I'll take it.  It's a blessing to be on my feet, of pretty sound mind, and still excited about getting up every morning.   It took me a while to get into a new to me rhythm after my husband died, but I'm ok.   I miss him, but I'm ok.  He would be glad for that.

My shoulder is complaining that I'm weaving too much in a day, so today I only wove one towel, and then I proceeded to organize the studio, starting in one corner, and working my way around.  I figure I will do that every day, then move on to the rest of the house.   If I keep busy with it, my whole house and studio will be clean, and I will have woven a towel a day.

Best I can do right now.

Warm days are coming, here and there.  I'm so happy to think that spring is right around the corner.  

Thanks for stopping by.....it makes me smile.

Enough with winter.

This has been the view out my bedroom window for months now.  But it rained last night, and I think maybe spring is around the corner.

Inside, I have tried to keep it bright and colorful in spite of what's going on outside.

I have a stack of yardage woven, on the shelf waiting for me to get inspired 

to sew.

I used to make a lot of möbius shawls, but I'm trying to push myself 

out of my comfort zone,  so in addition to some Naya cloaks, I want to make 

some version of these two patterns that I have collected.

What do you think????  All suggestions considered.

About a year and a half ago, I got this tiny slip of an aloe plant in a 

sandwich bag, and look what it has grown into.  It has become quite the showstopper.

I have amazing light in my house......the front of the house is all windows, and up and 

down on a sunny day, it's blinding.

The studio gets sun all day long with windows on two sides, east and south.

It's the warmest part of this old house.

This is the upstairs hall, and that is my Sea Onion......a plant I have had for probably 40 years.  I have split it more times than I can count, and gifted its babies.  It gets tiny white flowers when it's very happy.  It needs to go in a window where you don't mind it taking over, because it does.

This past winter I decided to get rid of this old sink in the studio.  It's been very handy, especially to rinse dye in, but the door is just to the left of this picture, and I can not tell you how many times I have run into the corner of that countertop.

So I moved my serger to the other side of the room.

Then I bought this lovely little laundry room sink at Lowe's.  It's perfect in the spot, 

and now the door is easy to open and close without injury.  It wasn't a very costly

project, but a satisfying one.

I put the old sink and countertop on FB marketplace for free, and some nice 

gentleman snagged it right off my back porch.

Win/win.

My next home improvement project occurred in early February, when we started 

the 3 week deep freeze in northeast NY.

My dining room and kitchen are perhaps the coldest rooms in my house, facing north and northwest.  So back to Lowe's, where I bought Levolor cellular blinds for all four windows.

Every night I have been faithfully pulling them down, along with the ones I already have

in the living room.  I really think it has helped.  I probably should have done it long ago.

If spring every really does arrive, my outside project for this year is getting the front of the house scraped and painted.  It really needs it and I will feel better having it done.

I will not die rich, but what sense does that make anyway?