ZZZZZZZZZ

Please tell me about your sleep.  What do you sleep on?  Why do you like it?   How does your sleep effect your life?

Why do I ask?   Because mine sucks.   It's funny, too, how you look back, and you know that it hasn't been forever, but damned if you can remember when it started.  I suspect though, that having Covid over Christmas, might have something to do with it.

I had a sleep study a couple of weeks ago, and the results were shocking.

I do NOT have sleep apnea.

Wow.

So I'm back to square one.   Waking up many times a night, and not having the foggiest clue why..........unless it's post Covid stuff, which the doctor said is very possible.  

Oh, yeah, and I have asthma.  Go figure.

This is Naya and Willie's yard.  There's a 5 ft high black chain link fence around most of it, and a stockade fence across the back.   They have a dog door onto the screen porch, and in the summer, the kitchen door is open to the screen porch, so they can go in and out as much as they want.

Yes, they are spoiled.

The bush is a "snowball", a form of viburnum, that my mother bought me years ago.

It is a beautiful thing, but the blossoms are VERY short lived, which is sad.

It does have an odd shape, because my husband did some trimming around the bottom of 

it, before I could catch him.

When asked why he would do such a thing, he said that he couldn't get his riding lawn mower close enough to it.

I think I threatened to kill him if he ever touched it again.

Looking back on that now gives me pause.

Yes, this is a box of 12 tubes of Pepsodent tooth paste.   It is my favorite 

tooth paste, which I used to buy at the dollar store, because it was the 

only store that carried it.  Then suddenly they didn't have it either.

But I found it online, and ordered a box of it, so I won't be running out any

too soon.

When my daughter commented on it, I told her that at least she knew that I planned to stick around for awhile.

It's going to be a quiet weekend here at Crazy as a Loom.  Everybody has plans to be somewhere, and the weather is supposed to be wonderful.

Naya says she is not impressed.  With any luck there won't be any fireworks.  If there is, she won't be looking this laid back.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Critters and a simple thought.

Is this enough color??????   

I wanted some towels that just screamed happy.

I think they do.

I have a stash of 70+ towels........ and taking into consideration that a few will sell here and there, I want at least 100 for the guild show in November.

Still on a mission to downsize, to really get rid of things I am not using, and know that I probably won't use.   I am having a HUGE sale this coming Saturday, May 20th, from 10-2, right here.  So far I have 160 cones of thread, and about 30 hand dyed yarns for weft.  Plus there's a Baby Wolf loom, a table loom, and lots of miscellaneous weaving tools.

The lawn has taken off........and maintaining almost an acre of lawn has once again

become an issue.

On our morning walks, Lois and I see lots of wildlife.   These turtles love to sun themselves on this log.   

There's a muskrat that follows us sometimes, and a pair of ducks, and Harry the heron.

So far, Willie and Naya have not noticed him.

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day.   I was driving through the countryside going to a friend's house, and I was just enjoying the scenery and the quiet.   I wasn't really thinking of anything.  I stopped  at  a local coffee shop, and I was pouring myself a cup of coffee, and clear as a bell, the thought came, 

"I love my life...........and I'm ok."

It startled me, and I almost looked around to see who said it, but I knew that it was in my head.

But from that moment on, I have felt better.

It may not make a bit of sense, but it's true.

I will forever miss my husband, and there will still be things that bring me to tears, 

but for the first time in a year, I felt a real sense of acceptance, and serenity.  I'm going to be fine.

Sydney says:   "Of course you are."

She's so wise, isn't she?

Yesterday I was out in the yard, and noticed several big vultures swooping around. 

Then two of them landed on a house across the road.  

I headed over there, to get a closer shot.  I figured they would be gone

by the time I got there, but they weren't.

Heathcliff and Gertrude, maybe?????

Getting ready for a sale.

In my new solo life here, having my lawn mowed, and any yard work that needs to be done, is a financial consideration.   I am not going to do it myself, I've decided that  a while back.

So, I guess I'll just do what I can afford, and hope for the best.

Here's my back yard after the first spring mow.

It's obviously way bigger than I need.  But I've spent years clearing what used to be an old barn yard, and now I hate to let it go.

Oh, it would grow up in a heartbeat, if I stopped mowing it, and I have nothing against wild, green spaces.  The problem is that it wouldn't be a flowery field from Pinterest.  It would be a hot mess, with the sumac and the knotweed (we call it bamboo) and the locust trees totally taking over.  

So I just can't do it.  

In my efforts to continue to clean out this big old house, and downsize, I am having a SALE.

It's on May 20th, 10-4, and it's all weaving threads and weaving tools.  I have shelves of cones of thread that I haven't used, and probably will never use.  They need to go to other weavers.

I'm digging through drawers and cupboards and finding all kinds of things, like this old quilt that needs to be finished.

 It's a beautiful piece of work.   The wedding ring quilt is one of the hardest to get right, IMHO.

Anyway, I put it away, for sometime after the sale.  I don't have time for it right now.

I just happened to catch this turkey vulture as it landed on a nearby pole.  

He didn't stay long.

I had work to do anyway.

I needed to wrap up one project on my sewing table, before I start assembling all the cones of yarn I want to get rid of.

It's a dress/tunic that I made from several different pieces of woven and hand dyed yardage.

Not entirely sure that I like it as a dress, but maybe shorter, as a tunic, I might really like it better.............

So after the sale, I might try to make another one.

The front.......

The back........

Eighteen years ago, we cleaned out my  father's house after he died.  He wasn't exactly a hoarder, but he was certainly a collector of strange things.  His house was a wreck.   I say he wasn't a hoarder, because he was functional.  He could sleep in his own bed, eat at his table, 

shower in his bathroom, and sit in his recliner and watch TV.  He could cook on his stove, and do dishes in his sink.

But there it ends.

The rest of the house was totally trashed.

We filled thirteen 30 yard dumpsters to the tune of $11,000.

I vowed I would never do that to my children.

Then just recently, a lifelong friend of mine died suddenly, and she WAS a hoarder, and she was not functional.    She could get herself to the store to buy wine, but she couldn't get to her bed, she had no vacant place to sit, she couldn't use her washer or her dryer or her shower.  The stove was buried, the kitchen sink was buried.  

Disturbing does not begin to describe it.  

Now her poor brother has to deal with it.

A whole houseful of it.

So I have this real need to simplify my life and my home.  That is not the kind of legacy I want to  leave behind.

Needless to say, there will be a lot of "stuff" in my house when I leave this world, but I want it to be useful stuff, and organized useful stuff.

Not junk.  Not boxes and drawers full of unidentified junk to go through.

Thus .......the purge.

Naya and Willie do not care one whit.   As long as they have their food dishes, and their soft, comfy beds to lie in, and Willie has his tennis ball, the rest is just fluff.

We could learn a lot from dogs.

You did it.

While I am totally against any form of dieting at my age, I am painfully aware that all winter long I have been eating in ways that are not necessarily good for me.

So I'm just trying to eat better.  Cleaner.

I haven't eaten meat in 14 years.......wow, that's incredible to me.  Seems like yesterday.

Unfortunately, sometimes not eating meat, I tend to fill up with carbs, and that is not a good thing.

I am totally stuck on this draft.  Something about the texture is so appealing to me

that I just don't get tired of it.

So I decided to tie on my next warp, and do the same draft all over again in 

different colors.

I chose pastels.

I really have no idea WHY, because I am not really a pastel kind of girl.

The first towel turned out "ok", I guess you could say that its pretty, but to be

perfectly honest, it did nothing for me.

So I decided totally ignore my choice of warp colors, and do whatever came to mind.

While they are not everyone's cuppa tea, they make me happy, and that's what counts.

My love of the texture continues, and I have no idea how long I will be weaving 

these towels.   I guess I will weave them until I don't.

And that's ok, too.

Someone at my house has a ball obsession.

Not saying who.

Yesterday was a lovely rainy day, so I made detox lentil soup.

It's the bomb, and definitely one of my faves.  It's pure comfort.

I love to read, but I admit that my reading habits are probably weird.

I read several books in a row, devour them really, and then I'm done.

I won't read for a week, or 2, or 3, or even more.  

Then, suddenly, I will be reading again, and I will read like I can never 

get enough.

Until I don't.

What's up with that?

My new favorite author is Paul Harding.   The book that won the Pulitzer Prize, was The Other Eden.   I just finished that one, and went on to read the second one, Tinkers.

His mastery of the English language is fierce.  I just love him.  Here is an excerpt

that spoke to me.

And yes, I am still drawing.   It's all coming from some dark corner of my head,

I scarce want to know where.

I feel like I might have my second wind here, I hope you all don't get sick of reading.

  It's your own fault, you are too encouraging. :)

Back so soon

I can't tell you how much your comments meant to me.

I guess I had forgotten how healing it has been writing this blog over the last16 years.

This lamp is one of my favorites, and I remember clearly the day I bought it at a garage sale in Wells, Me., on one of our trips.   My husband and I went to Maine every May and October.  Good memories.

On my  list of things to do, was repotting some of my house plants.  This Oxalis was pretty root bound, and needed a new home.  It was so uncooperative, and I dumped it upside down on my potting table.  Luckily, it forgave me pretty quickly, and I think it's going to thrive.

Last year I had my screen porch "rehabbed", unfortunately the screen was not put

on very well,  and is coming off.  So this year, I have to put new screen on it.......again.   Annoying, 

to say the least.  But the dogs and I spend so much time out there, that I have to 

bite the bullet and get it done.

It's the best place to relax with a good book.

I bought a rug on sale at Lowe's, to spruce it up.

We love our porch.

Dale rocking her short hair cut!  She loves it, and so do I.  I love the confidence in

someone so young.  Even though all the other girls have long hair, she was 

quite certain about what she wanted.

Willie loves everyone, but he seriously loves "his kids".

And they love him!

Got my new labels in the mail.  I mostly use them on towels.  I get them from Quality Woven Labels.  They do such a great job.

On another one of our trips, I came across Tajin.......a spicy concoction

that you can put on fresh fruit.

It's very addictive.

Driving in the rain the other day, I thought about this past year.  I think sometimes that I have totally bored my friends with complaints and general "whinging" (English expression).

You all have the option of hitting the x on the top of the page, but my friends not so much.

The crux of it is this:  I feel like I have experienced a concerted assault on my person for the last year, physically, with 2 ablations, 2 cardioversions,  2 months of a horrible medication, Covid, and then 2 root canals 3 weeks apart, plus  recurring hip pain.   Then, of course, emotional and mental pain after losing my husband, who was my best friend.  Some days I think I should be very depressed, and I'm surprised that I am not.

So I've been in Normal Sinus Rhythm since October, and I am feeling physically much better, getting over all the nasty side effects from  the medications I had to take.  The effects of Covid  still bother me, for instance, my headaches are worse since Christmas when I had Covid, and I still am fatigued a lot of the time.  

I have started seeing my Osteopathic Doc again, for Osteopathic Manipulative Treatments, which are nothing like they sound.   He did wonders for my headaches years ago, so I am hoping that he can help again.

What I want more than anything is to feel like myself, and to be honest, I don't.  I haven't felt like myself for the last year.

I suppose that is to be expected.

Truth is, there is no preparation for losing someone, which is awful really, when it's an inevitable part of life, and particularly a part of aging. 

Once again, I realize that 'one day at a time' is the only way to get through any of this.

This morningI got up at 5;30, made some tea, and got on the couch with my dogs.   I promptly dozed off

to the sounds of rain on the windows.  Is there anything more soothing???

I needed that extra half hour of sleep, and these days I am kinder to me, and I let it happen.

I go with the flow, so to speak.  I weave when I want to weave, read when I want to read, rest when my body says it's time.  In other times, I would have ignored my  body, and pushed on to make more "product".   Not today.

Today, and finally, I do what feels perfect in the moment.

Maybe it took a year of being in "the bucket", to realize the importance of taking care of me.

Today.

Ok, so I have some explaining to do.  Where the hell have I been since January????

Well, here it is in a nutshell.........I'm not sure where I've been for the last 10 months.  I'm really not sure at all.   A lot of it has been a blur.  My life has changed so much, sometimes I 

feel that it has been a bad dream, and I'm going to wake up soon.

Bill used to pick on me, and say, "oh you won't miss me when I'm gone."  

I wonder if he knows, just how wrong he was.

I'm managing everything, for sure.   Truth is though, you don't know how to fill that hole where grief 

resides, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Time.  

I know.

I have great family, and amazing friends, and I am so grateful for both.

They help me navigate this unimaginable loss.

And the studio, as always, is my savior.   There is nothing, next to my grandchildren,

that makes me as happy as letting my creative muse take over.

One big change is that I really don't care about the retail end of it.  I have tried, 

several times, to talk my self into getting pumped up (again) about retail, but it's just 

not happening

I will put stuff on FB, and I will build up inventory for the guild show

in the fall, and that's about as far as that goes.   

Today I thought how funny it is, that I used to joke that I wanted to be that strange old

lady in the big house that weaves.

And here I am.

I still bake and cook, although not as much.  That too is a comfort to me.

My kids, and a couple of friends, have informed me of my continual mention 

of death.  Mine in particular.  The end.  The inevitable.  When.  And how I am constantly 

getting my affairs in order as if it were imminent.

Which it could be.  Of course.

But just as likely, it's not.

And I realize that they are right.   Since walking in and unexpectedly finding my husband

expired, I'm afraid that my mind goes there more often than not.

I know that this is not good for me.

I'm just not sure how to stop it.

But I know that I need to get on with it, move forward with my life, however

I might perceive it, and I need to stop perseverating and stop being morbid.

Any passing advice??  Please.  

Feel free.   This is hard.

I am guilty of doing what most people do, and what I have done my whole 

life...........and that's trying to manipulate the future......trying to decide.....will 

I do this?  or this?   or maybe that?  And will that make my happy?

When the only real way to live your life.....I know this....I learned it a long time

ago, but still need to be slapped occasionally ........is to just LIVE TODAY.

STAY IN THE DAY.

So simple, but so difficult to do.

So my goal, if I have one, is not to write a book, or draw lots of houses, 

or weave wonderful garments, or dye beautiful yarn, or to go on vacation.

No.

My goal is to do today, to be as happy, and content, and comfortable as I can be

for this whole day, then to put myself to bed, to sleep, and rest up to do it all 

again tomorrow.

And tomorrow will be my today......and I will strive, once again, to 

do it justice.

Think spring?

I always love to share things I've found that work well, or just improve my life in some way.

My Le Creuset  NONSTICK frying pan, that was very expensive, only lasted a couple of years, before the nonstick surface was no more, and I do not own any metal spatulas, so I know that I am not responsible.

So I asked a friend, who is an avid chef, in my opinion, and she suggested this Swiss brand, Carote.  It is a nonstick graniteware frying pan, $35, and so far I love it.

I have been obsessed  busy with dyeing warps to sell, and so far they have been 

flying out of here.

I had to decide how many threads, how long to make the warp, but for now I've settled on

300 threads, 8 yards long, until someone tells me that they want something

different.

I admit to amusing myself with this.  I love it.

This, of course, has prompted me to try to refine my process, make it smooth and as trouble free as possible. I've been working out the steps of my dyeing process so that it is as easy as I can make it.

 I think I'm getting it.

Before this awful cold snap we've been having, the weather was just lovely, and walking

the dogs was not painful, like it has been this week.

 

But weather will not keep these two out of the hot tub.   To say that they love it is an understatement.

I have discovered that life goes on, no matter how much you expect that grief should stop it cold in its tracks.

Doing what is right in front of me seems to be the best medicine.  Also, a routine, albeit a new routine.

I try very hard to keep busy all day, and in the evening it's time to chill on the sofa with Naya and Willie.

That's Sydney soaking up the heat in front of it.

The cold front that has swept in makes me more of a hermit than ever, I'm afraid.

I'm not entirely sure that's a bad thing.

Dyeing with all these luscious colors makes me happy and lightens my mood every time.

There's also a great feeling of satisfaction in turning No color into something like this.

These three are also a dose of sunshine and happiness.

Every time.

Two more weeks of January, and it seems like spring is just around the corner.  I know, 

I am inappropriately hopeful.

In other news, my bathroom ceiling looked like it was beginning to show signs of deteriorating, and believe me, you do not want lathe and plaster to start coming down.

So my handy neighbor and his helper have been replacing the ceiling, painting and making the upstairs bath look pretty brand new.

Walking the yard the other day, I realized that there are branches down everywhere.......so there's a job for spring.

That's ok.   I still want spring to come soon.  It can't come soon enough.