Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Goodbye.




This post seems unreal to me, I'm not sure how much I have to give to it.

So I'll be brief.

A few days ago, I lost my best friend.

Even though he had been sick for a long while, and declining in health, it was a
shock.
It was unexpected. 
An unattended death, they called it.






My head has been spinning since.   Trying to absorb it, trying to accept it.



I'll be ok, because that's how I roll,   He wouldn't want it any other way.

I hope that he is no longer feeling weak, and tired, and sick.

I pray that he is free of all of that, and if he is, then I'm willing to put up with this ache, 
until we meet again.





Sunday, June 5, 2022

A New Day

It is the strangest of times, it seems.  The world has appeared to have gone mad.

Sometimes, I feel that my body has, as well.

I never imagined being 75, and I certainly never expected to have my body, that has served me well all my life, go rogue on me.
But it has.

The ablation was done April 26th, my heart has been all over the place, since.   I guess from all accounts, that this unsettled situation is normal for a heart that is healing from being assaulted.   But still, three weeks of constant atrial fibrillation, with a heart rate of 145, left me as worn out as an old dish rag.  I had a cardioversion scheduled for June 7th, but once again, my heart has taken charge, and now I am in a normal sinus rhythm.  
Top this off with an acute case of bronchitis, and the inability to do anything very physical, without provoking another bout of AF, and you have a humble new me.

I surrender, for now.   No pulling, pushing, lifting, exertion.  None.

Lots of time on the screen porch with the dogs and a good book.


You can imagine, that they don't mind at all.   And every little while, they hear a squirrel or some other imagined interloper out in the yard, and they tear off through the dog door to investigate.
I guess that's a pretty good dog's life.



Willie approves of my second hand newly acquired porch furniture, to go with my old glider.

Last week, I had some company, and that's ALWAYS a good day, 

When they weren't playing croquet out on the lawn, they were entertaining Willie and Naya.



And there's always coloring to be done.


We ended the day with pizza at our fave restaurant, which they loved.



I am definitely enjoying the new space where the barn used to be.  I thought I would miss it, but I don't.
The birds seem to love it too,  and I love watching them, and listening to them.




 I have certainly had a lot of time to ponder my situation.  Getting old is what I'm doing, the alternative is not being able to enjoy any of this.  I have a beautiful family, amazing friends, a comfortable home, my sweet dogs, and so much more.   Once again, I lean into the gratitude part of it all.
I sit here in the morning, thankful for a hot cuppa tea, the NY Times crossword, two white dogs trying to get closer all the time, the quiet of this time of day, the sun just peeking over the trees.  So much, so much to be grateful for.
I am saddened, as we all are, for the hate and violence and senseless deaths in our world.
And all of it reminds me that I only have this day.  The gift of this day.  
It reminds me to find the joy all around me, 
I seem to have misplaced the need for beating myself up, needing to do more, 
feeling like I wasn't good enough if I wasn't productive every second of every day.
Instead I find myself standing very still under the linden tree, to watch the bevy of
birds splashing in the bird bath I made from a table frame, a garbage can lid, and some stones.

There's a new serenity washing over me,  and I find myself so very OK with it.



Monday, May 9, 2022

Keeping you in the loop

Once again, I have been slack about blogging.   I was waiting to have good news to tell you.

My ablation for atrial fib was on April 26th....and for a week, I felt AMAZING.  I felt like ME, after not feeling myself for several months.  It was such a relief.  I wanted to do a TON of things.


I had to restrain myself, and try to commit to easing into all those things that I haven't 
been able to do.


Then last Thursday I went to a book sale with a friend, mid morning.  I came back, and suddenly felt really tired.  I kicked back on the sofa, and at 11am in the morning, fell fast asleep.  I woke up an hour and a half later, and I knew that I was in Atrial fib......yes, again.


Now, 5 days later, I am still in A fib.  My follow up appointment with my cardiologist is
on Friday morning, and I am hoping he has a plan to get me back into a normal heartbeat, 
because to be honest, I am tired, short of breath, and a little miserable.



That being said, do not think for one minute that I am giving up, lying down,  or rolling over.
Not happening.  
I will get through this.  I will have another ablation.  This will get fixed, one way or the other.

And until then, I will do whatever I can do.  I will keep weaving, and planning and designing, and trying to live my life the best I can.

Getting old can be tough, that's for sure.  Giving up isn't really an alternative.

Onward.















Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Full disclosure.

Isn't that what it's about????  This blogging thing?  I have never shied away from being totally
honest about what is happening in my life, to a point, of course.  So why stop now?

I have been a lousy blogger of late, simply because I have felt so awful for about four months........between the atrial fib and the METOPROLOL (drug from hell), I have felt as bad as I have ever felt in my life.
Tired, short of breath on any exertion, wiped out, just plain horrific. Too many side effects from the medication,  A fib out of control if I didn't take it.

So there, That's the truth.  I feel bad whinging about it, knowing full well, that there are so many people on this planet with it so much worse.   I tell myself every day, that I have a home, and food, and family, and we're safe.  So much to be grateful for. 
 I get it, I do.

But I still feel like crap.

I have been weaving, sporadically,  trying to stay busy, and keep my mind occupied.  
Since January, I have been counting off the days until my ablation, the end of April, and I found that if I sat around and let my mind take over, it was a rabbit hole I did not want to go down.
At the same time, I couldn't go walking, or go outside and do much of anything that took any energy........so sitting at the loom, or the sewing machine, in short intervals, was the only thing productive that I could do.


I have been working through my stash of chenille, making clothing, too much perhaps, but there it is.


I've been playing with inlays and a boho look, actually amusing myself quite well.






It's amazing how much I appreciate a day without a frantic atrial fibrillation in my chest, even 
while feeling like I'm operating in slow motion.  It's all in the perspective.



But what I'm really focusing on is two weeks from now, when I go in for this procedure, and 
they find the source of this random electrical impulse, destroy it, and let me get on with my life.


I have no illusions.   I just had my 75th birthday, and I know that my years on earth are not
expansive.   But I don't think it's out of bounds to hope for some years of feeling good.  
Normal.  
Or at least normal for this age.
I'll take that.

I do find it amusing that not so long ago, my priorities were different.   
Even now, I can imagine myself thinking in years past, about what would make me happy.........a trip maybe,  something new, something different, a new LOOM perhaps!

And now, it's so much simpler.  
What will make me happy is feeling better than this.......not tired, not short of breath, not having a trip hammer in my chest.........ah, how point of views can change.
I just want normal.  That's enough.  How greedy we usually are.


It's so much easier to be happy in the space we're in, when we find out how fortunate we really are.
And sometimes, it does take some discomfort to make that crystal clear.

This, still, is my happy place.


Here I have all the serenity I have ever wanted.



I have the comfort that my soul has craved.



I have  contentment, joy.  Right here.


 

I couldn't ask for more than this.

Only another weaver might really understand.




It's simple really.   My life is better than ok.  I just have this unwanted guest, an electrical impulse 
hanging on for the ride, but unwelcome all the same.

It's got to go.  I don't have time for it anymore.

Hopefully next time I post, I can report that it has departed.   I am so ready.

Wednesday, March 16, 2022

Getting lax.

I must be guilty of slacking off, since I haven't blogged in a month.   I do apologize.

January and February were not my greatest achievements.   Between the atrial fib and the medication I'm taking to slow it down, I have felt pretty terrible most of the time.

Last week, I took my health into my own hands, after trying to talk to the cardiologist  about the meds without much success, I decided to listen to my own internal doctor.  (Please don't think I am advising anyone to do what I did.).  I cut my med in half, and committed to trying it for 3 days.  That was 10 days ago, and I'm still doing it.
I feel 85% better than I did before.
I am pretty convinced that I was over medicated.  

I now feel like I can make it through the next 6 weeks, waiting for the ablation.
Hallelujah.

In the meantime, I'm keeping busy.



I watch enough of the news to know what's going on, and I read the NY Times every morning, or at least some of it.
I guess it is safe to say that we are all appalled.
Finally something we can agree on.  
Wow.




This funky yarn that I dyed a long time ago, that was languishing in my cupboard, has turned  into the softest, lightest Mรถbius shawl I've ever made.


Sometimes I just never know how something is going to turn out.   I think I like that.  It's sometimes such a pleasant surprise.



Once again the AVL needed attention.  A couple of years ago, when the cable to the dobby arm broke, I replaced it with a cable from the hardware store.  It wasn't plastic coated, like the original, and it broke (again) after a few months, and then yet AGAIN....until I decided I needed to bite the bullet and order some of the plastic coated cable from AVL.
So yesterday with the help of a good friend, the project began.

Three hours later, we still didn't have it working, and I cried uncle.
This morning, we were back at it, and a couple of hours into it, it was once again a weaving machine.
This should last as long as I need it to.



Not usually a green lover, but it is the season, and they are pretty.




This is a cowl I made today from Lois' project on the Schacht.  Isn't it wild?
I love it.




I hope spring is around the corner, as well as peace in the world.  At least, I pray for some relief for Ukraine.  Those poor people.

It certainly does give one perspective, at least it does me.
My worries seem not so significant, and the hurdles I face, not so daunting.
I am grateful, beyond belief, for this safe haven that is my home.  For my family.  For my amazing friends.  For my dogs.  For my weaving studio and the passion therein.
For every day I get to do it again, I am thankful.
This song, by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews, keeps playing in my head.
(you can hear it on You Tube, it's awesome)

I'm Alive.

So damn easy to say that life's so hard
Everybody's got their share of battle scars
As for me, I'd like to thank my lucky stars
That I'm alive and well
It'd be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I'm alive
And today, you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing, can't you see?
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I'm alive and well
Yeah, I'm alive and well
Stars are dancing on the water here tonight
It's good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight
This boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I'm alive and well
And today, you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing, can't you see?
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
Now I'm alive and well
Yeah, I'm alive and well

Here's a link:  I'm Alive

Saturday, February 12, 2022

mentors and gratitude.



S
Still drawing/doodling, I  call it a relaxation technique......just now I'm using my ipad, and my Apple pencil, which I highly
recommend.  Such fun.




I
Even though I am not at my best of late, I seem to have found a way to be productive anyway,
and honestly, it helps me to get through this "big wait", without feeling like I'm wishing my
life away.
This one was woven by Lois, using a totally spontaneous kind of weaving, which she usually resists, but she's rocking it.





My oldest daughter, who hates me calling her the oldest.....but what should I call her??? 
my FIRST?   the first baby to arrive in my life???  
Anyway, she is also a nurse, with a couple more degrees than I pursued, and she is also
employed by the NYS Dept. of Corrections, like I was.

She has done very well, working very hard, getting one promotion after the other.
Several years ago, when it became obvious that she had far surpassed  my accomplishments in
the Dept, someone asked me if that didn't upset me, that she had done so much better than I had.
I was appalled at that, and couldn't even believe anyone would ask such a thing.
My answer was a resounding NO, I am so, so proud of her, and as most mothers would be,
I am thrilled that she has done so well.
Jealous???  omg, how ridiculous........don't we always want our children to better us?  
to be better? to be smarter?  to be more successful?  Happier even???
I sure do.

I feel like I've done my job, raising an accomplished young woman.








Over the years I have taught many, many people how to weave.  I wish, now, that I had kept track of them, but alas, I did not.
Several of them have become friends, but I have to say that ONE of them, has not
only become a dear, dear friend, but she has worked extremely hard, become 
an accomplished weaver that I am very, very proud of.
She probably knows more about it than I do, and lately, she has taught me a couple of improved ways of doing things.
Teach an old dog new tricks????????  
well, yes, apparently that's a thing.  LOL




In the exact same way I am happy for my daughter, I am happy for my friend.  I am honored
to have been the one to have introduced her to the world of weaving.  The more proficient 
she becomes, the happier I am.  I want her to be better, and to carry on long after I'm gone.

I feel like I've done my job, bringing a zealous weaver into the world.



She asked me the other day if maybe she was a little too obsessed with weaving.




Of course I answered, "nah......not too obsessed at all".




It still makes me incredibly happy, and I love all of it, even the tedious parts
of it.



Even as I'm weaving one warp, I am thinking of the next one, planning the next 
project, and the next.
What could be better.








Saturday, February 5, 2022

and the winner is...........

Cold wintry days call for some comfort food, and french onion soup fills the bill.
I usually make enough soup for the week, because Lois and I don't mind eating it every day.


This old cupboard is just inside my back door, and the drawers have been FULL of JUNK for as long as it's been there.
Until now.





I took each one, dumped it into a box, and sat at the kitchen counter and went through every single piece of it.  I now have two well organized drawers, and three EMPTY drawers, that I plan to put the grandkids coloring/craft supplies in.
I also went through all the "manuals" stashed away in another drawer, some of them for things we don't even have anymore.



I took two finished pieces off the Louet, here's the first.  Rayon and rayon chenille
with funky inlays.


I think it's a little long in the front, so I need to rethink that.
The fringe didn't work out, chenille fringe is such a PITA.   So I'm trying to decide what 
I might put on the bottom front pieces instead.


I do like the style, with the point in the back.
There are actually some beads inlaid into it.






I have had a hot tub for 20 years or there abouts, and still love it.  But the other night, when I went to get in it, I realized that the display panel was DARK......luckily, my Spa guy, that sold it to me, did NOT go south for the winter.  He just left, and will order the part it needs.

I found a handyman/snow shoveler on FB marketplace, nice kid, who just cleared all the pathways that I need around here......to the garbage bin shed, to the propane tank, the side of the house where the oil tank in the cellar gets filled, the bird feeders, the dog yard.

Grateful.......hot tub will be in top condtion soon, and I can get around to the places I need to go.
I usually shovel these myself, but the medications I am on until my ablation make me
very short of breath on any exertion.
So that's not going to happen.




Thank you for all your kind comments.........using the random number generator, the winner of the towel is RITA from Fargo!!!!  So Rita, email me your mailing info.....crazyasaloom@aol  

Here is a photo of my towel cupboard........let me know if you have any preference.......I can always send you photos.






Welcome to my world.

Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts