Monday, September 5, 2022

Just fine

In my attempt to eat better, and lose some of the weight I've gained in the last year and a half of being so sedentary, here is my $ store bowl for salads.
Underneath all that fiber is a parrot.  Truth.  



Anything that grows has done poorly this hot and dry summer, but this little rose bush I bought for my perennial garden seems to be thumbing her nose at it all.  I love a little attitude.



I have spent an inordinate amount of time at home this summer.   I have not ventured far at all.
That's mostly my mindset, hunkering down, revisiting places in my head,
trying to understand my way forward.
I know I'll find it, even though some days it  appears to be quite illusive.



I am still "drawn" to this crazy hen scratching.  I don't know where it's coming from, 
and I don't know why it's so soothing, but there you have it.
I'll take it.




It has not escaped me that there are no people, no animals, no movement, in these 
pictorials.
I don't know why.



So it was a very quiet Labor Day Weekend at my house.  Just me, two dogs, and a couple of 
cats.  I read a lot.  I did some weaving.  I cleaned.   I took a couple of naps.  I finally
decided that I needed a swift kick.
That resulted in my getting out the indigo dye stuff, and a package of 12 cotton 
towels that I had just for that reason.

They are all tied and clamped and ready with "resist", to be dipped in indigo today.





And the indigo dye vat awaits.  
Do not panic, that's my dye sink.  After today, it will probably be really blue.




I have a list, things I should do.  Buy some new clothes........I hate shopping.  Buy a new pair of shoes..........  Go on a cruise on one of the big boats on Lake George, when the leaves have changed colors.  Have a sale of hand wovens to clear out the old and make room for new.

Take a day trip, or two.

It's part of something I learned in all those years in Al Anon.
Act "as if".

Act as if everything is just fine, and you are just fine, and everything coming up will be just fine.  Even if it isn't.  Keep acting "as if", and one day, without you even knowing how it happened, it will be..........just fine.

One day at a time.






Tuesday, August 9, 2022

The Park, and some words



I know some of you are wondering how I'm doing with this new normal.   I have to say it is different from day to day.  Some days are much better than others.  I feel a little unmoored, adrift.  I do the things I am supposed to do, but then I end up reading for hours, or drawing, or watching the birds.

I know it will get better.   I know that I will move forward, and eventually get on with it.  Just not yet, I guess.
I do one day at a time.  Sometimes one hour.
My family, and my dear friends, are amazing.   I am so grateful for them.

Let me just take you on a tour of my ridiculously large back yard.

I wanted a bird sanctuary, I think I've got one.
























I think that we cross paths with people that we are meant to.   Sometimes we teach them, and other times, they teach us.
I recently reached out to someone that I had never met, on a whim.   

What I heard was exactly what I needed to hear, and what I need to remind myself just about every day, for awhile yet anyway.




"Finally, as an experienced photographer, I have often given novices the advice "You always have a shot. Look. Use your imagination. It's there. You have to find it." is the same in life. Whether it is who you're with, or where you are, or what your circumstances are, you always have a shot."

I don't think I would have put it in those words, but I think that deep down, I wasn't at all 
sure that I did.  Loss will do that to you.   But now I know that it's true. 
 I do, I do have a shot.  








Sunday, July 24, 2022

Starting now

I cry in the hot tub.  Sometimes.

In the past, I have cried there, after losing my father, then my mother, then my dearest friend, then another friend,  sweet pups Eddie and Roy, and now the husband I have lived with for the last 23 years.

Maybe it's the steam.

While I sat there early this morning, I watched the birds landing on dead limbs in the pear trees across the driveway.   I had thought to trim those dead branches, and now I realize what  great landing spots they are for young birds.   There were 5 there on one branch today......having a little chat, they were busy being birds.  What a lovely thought.

I have decided that I am the keeper of this 1.2 acres of bird-dom..........and for whatever reason, that's a comforting thought.

Recently, I have spent hours on the screen porch, watching and listening to the birds. I have a family of black squirrels out there, wood chucks aplenty, rabbits, and an occasional fox.

Bill called the back yard that we have spent years clearing........"the park".   
It's still not entirely finished, but almost. Not a landscaper by any means, it has evolved, with only a little direction from me, and a whole lot of synchronicity.

I have also been reading a lot of books.




 
It's quiet.   I am realizing what a giant hole there is in my life.  No amount of cleaning or organizing or busy-ness can fill it.  Only time perhaps, will help the edges come together enough at least so the wind doesn't whistle through it at odd hours.

I am a work in progress, for now.


Cleaning.  Organizing.   When I  can get myself moving.
 DH was not a neat man.


Thank God for these two.......company 24/7......they move with my every movement.

I swear 
they are mentally tuned to me.
This is their bed.
They let me sleep with them.

 





Even now, I try to practice gratitude.   This house provides me with a sense of
safety, and belonging.



DH only planted tomatoes and cukes, and ironically enough, this is his best year ever.




Early morning walks with L and the dogs, to beat the heat.







I must admit my appetite is not what it was, and most of the time I eat because I know I should, or because I get tired of hearing my stomach rumble.  I know that at some point cooking and baking will be a good thing for me, just not yet.








As always, these three are the very best medicine.  Proof that life goes on, that there is joy everywhere, even when you're not looking for it.

When you get older, you realize that only love matters.  The love for family, friends,  fur babies.  What you have thought to be important, all your life, was really just fluff. 
 Only the love that you have given, and the love you have received moves the scale at all.


I still want to stick around, just to watch these three grow up.

As sad as I am, when they ran to me and threw their arms around my body and my legs, screaming "MIMI".........I knew that I would be ok with time.





Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Goodbye.




This post seems unreal to me, I'm not sure how much I have to give to it.

So I'll be brief.

A few days ago, I lost my best friend.

Even though he had been sick for a long while, and declining in health, it was a
shock.
It was unexpected. 
An unattended death, they called it.






My head has been spinning since.   Trying to absorb it, trying to accept it.



I'll be ok, because that's how I roll,   He wouldn't want it any other way.

I hope that he is no longer feeling weak, and tired, and sick.

I pray that he is free of all of that, and if he is, then I'm willing to put up with this ache, 
until we meet again.





Sunday, June 5, 2022

A New Day

It is the strangest of times, it seems.  The world has appeared to have gone mad.

Sometimes, I feel that my body has, as well.

I never imagined being 75, and I certainly never expected to have my body, that has served me well all my life, go rogue on me.
But it has.

The ablation was done April 26th, my heart has been all over the place, since.   I guess from all accounts, that this unsettled situation is normal for a heart that is healing from being assaulted.   But still, three weeks of constant atrial fibrillation, with a heart rate of 145, left me as worn out as an old dish rag.  I had a cardioversion scheduled for June 7th, but once again, my heart has taken charge, and now I am in a normal sinus rhythm.  
Top this off with an acute case of bronchitis, and the inability to do anything very physical, without provoking another bout of AF, and you have a humble new me.

I surrender, for now.   No pulling, pushing, lifting, exertion.  None.

Lots of time on the screen porch with the dogs and a good book.


You can imagine, that they don't mind at all.   And every little while, they hear a squirrel or some other imagined interloper out in the yard, and they tear off through the dog door to investigate.
I guess that's a pretty good dog's life.



Willie approves of my second hand newly acquired porch furniture, to go with my old glider.

Last week, I had some company, and that's ALWAYS a good day, 

When they weren't playing croquet out on the lawn, they were entertaining Willie and Naya.



And there's always coloring to be done.


We ended the day with pizza at our fave restaurant, which they loved.



I am definitely enjoying the new space where the barn used to be.  I thought I would miss it, but I don't.
The birds seem to love it too,  and I love watching them, and listening to them.




 I have certainly had a lot of time to ponder my situation.  Getting old is what I'm doing, the alternative is not being able to enjoy any of this.  I have a beautiful family, amazing friends, a comfortable home, my sweet dogs, and so much more.   Once again, I lean into the gratitude part of it all.
I sit here in the morning, thankful for a hot cuppa tea, the NY Times crossword, two white dogs trying to get closer all the time, the quiet of this time of day, the sun just peeking over the trees.  So much, so much to be grateful for.
I am saddened, as we all are, for the hate and violence and senseless deaths in our world.
And all of it reminds me that I only have this day.  The gift of this day.  
It reminds me to find the joy all around me, 
I seem to have misplaced the need for beating myself up, needing to do more, 
feeling like I wasn't good enough if I wasn't productive every second of every day.
Instead I find myself standing very still under the linden tree, to watch the bevy of
birds splashing in the bird bath I made from a table frame, a garbage can lid, and some stones.

There's a new serenity washing over me,  and I find myself so very OK with it.



Monday, May 9, 2022

Keeping you in the loop

Once again, I have been slack about blogging.   I was waiting to have good news to tell you.

My ablation for atrial fib was on April 26th....and for a week, I felt AMAZING.  I felt like ME, after not feeling myself for several months.  It was such a relief.  I wanted to do a TON of things.


I had to restrain myself, and try to commit to easing into all those things that I haven't 
been able to do.


Then last Thursday I went to a book sale with a friend, mid morning.  I came back, and suddenly felt really tired.  I kicked back on the sofa, and at 11am in the morning, fell fast asleep.  I woke up an hour and a half later, and I knew that I was in Atrial fib......yes, again.


Now, 5 days later, I am still in A fib.  My follow up appointment with my cardiologist is
on Friday morning, and I am hoping he has a plan to get me back into a normal heartbeat, 
because to be honest, I am tired, short of breath, and a little miserable.



That being said, do not think for one minute that I am giving up, lying down,  or rolling over.
Not happening.  
I will get through this.  I will have another ablation.  This will get fixed, one way or the other.

And until then, I will do whatever I can do.  I will keep weaving, and planning and designing, and trying to live my life the best I can.

Getting old can be tough, that's for sure.  Giving up isn't really an alternative.

Onward.















Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Full disclosure.

Isn't that what it's about????  This blogging thing?  I have never shied away from being totally
honest about what is happening in my life, to a point, of course.  So why stop now?

I have been a lousy blogger of late, simply because I have felt so awful for about four months........between the atrial fib and the METOPROLOL (drug from hell), I have felt as bad as I have ever felt in my life.
Tired, short of breath on any exertion, wiped out, just plain horrific. Too many side effects from the medication,  A fib out of control if I didn't take it.

So there, That's the truth.  I feel bad whinging about it, knowing full well, that there are so many people on this planet with it so much worse.   I tell myself every day, that I have a home, and food, and family, and we're safe.  So much to be grateful for. 
 I get it, I do.

But I still feel like crap.

I have been weaving, sporadically,  trying to stay busy, and keep my mind occupied.  
Since January, I have been counting off the days until my ablation, the end of April, and I found that if I sat around and let my mind take over, it was a rabbit hole I did not want to go down.
At the same time, I couldn't go walking, or go outside and do much of anything that took any energy........so sitting at the loom, or the sewing machine, in short intervals, was the only thing productive that I could do.


I have been working through my stash of chenille, making clothing, too much perhaps, but there it is.


I've been playing with inlays and a boho look, actually amusing myself quite well.






It's amazing how much I appreciate a day without a frantic atrial fibrillation in my chest, even 
while feeling like I'm operating in slow motion.  It's all in the perspective.



But what I'm really focusing on is two weeks from now, when I go in for this procedure, and 
they find the source of this random electrical impulse, destroy it, and let me get on with my life.


I have no illusions.   I just had my 75th birthday, and I know that my years on earth are not
expansive.   But I don't think it's out of bounds to hope for some years of feeling good.  
Normal.  
Or at least normal for this age.
I'll take that.

I do find it amusing that not so long ago, my priorities were different.   
Even now, I can imagine myself thinking in years past, about what would make me happy.........a trip maybe,  something new, something different, a new LOOM perhaps!

And now, it's so much simpler.  
What will make me happy is feeling better than this.......not tired, not short of breath, not having a trip hammer in my chest.........ah, how point of views can change.
I just want normal.  That's enough.  How greedy we usually are.


It's so much easier to be happy in the space we're in, when we find out how fortunate we really are.
And sometimes, it does take some discomfort to make that crystal clear.

This, still, is my happy place.


Here I have all the serenity I have ever wanted.



I have the comfort that my soul has craved.



I have  contentment, joy.  Right here.


 

I couldn't ask for more than this.

Only another weaver might really understand.




It's simple really.   My life is better than ok.  I just have this unwanted guest, an electrical impulse 
hanging on for the ride, but unwelcome all the same.

It's got to go.  I don't have time for it anymore.

Hopefully next time I post, I can report that it has departed.   I am so ready.

Welcome to my world.

Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts