Truth.

One thing I have noticed about getting older, is that it is very easy to let fear and uncertainty weasle it's way into your daily thinking.

Thoughts of "I can't", "I'm afraid to", "it's too hard", "how can I avoid this" and then on to........"I hate this", "it's not fair", "why me?"

None of this is any help.

My oldest daughter repeated my words to me the other day.  She said, "you just have to power through".   Ha!!!!!   I can hear myself saying that to her, and her sisters, on more than one occasion.

Then I got thinking about it, and realized that to NOT power through this old age bullshit, is to go back on all the things I taught my daughters, all the things I said to them, that shaped how successful they would be in navigating this world.

It would be cowardly, and I would be unworthy of their respect.

So POWER THROUGH is engaged.   I know that this will be hard.  I know that I would rather not do it.  But the evidence is all there, that it needs to be done, and I need to "cowboy up".

So onward and upward........less than 2 weeks until my knee replacement.   I will do it.  I will get through it, and I will manage the pain, and the inconvenience and all of it.   It will be good.  I will be happy for it in the long run, and it will make my life better.

Every day, I will repeat these things to myself, and tell fear and uncertainly to SCRAM.  You have no place here.

Some afternoons, we just sit on the porch, me and Naya and Willie, and sometimes Syd.  

If I gently rock the glider, this bonehead falls asleep.

I have been using an APP called Brightmind....it's a guided daily meditation, and so far I really like it.  I started with 10 min a day, but eventually hope to get up to 30 min.  I will admit it, it's hard for me to sit still that long.

In light of how my summer is going to be spent, I have not planted wildly all around my property, like I usually do.  No big bed of squashes, no rows of basil.  Nothing so far.

I did  get a cherry tomato plant for a pot, and a couple of basils, and a dill and a parsley.

That was it.

Pathetic.

I concede.  This will not be one of those years.  As soon as I am able, I will go to the Saturday morning farmer's market, and support local farmers.  That's my plan.

I have managed to keep the labyrinth weeded, without chemicals....just by being persistent, and doing it often.  It may be my walking exercise for awhile.

I have a list of things I have to get done.......I've shopped for animal food.....chickens, cats, dogs, birds........and  next week, I'll shop for food for me, since I don't eat meat, and DH does.

In other words, I have to get all my ducks in a row.  Damn ducks.

The computer that I run Weave Point on, that runs my AVL, stopped powering up.   One duck out of line causing aggravation.   So I took it to a local computer repair place, and they said it apparently was not a big deal.   $99.00, I picked it up, brought it home, and it STILL did not power up.  So on a whim, I dug out an old monitor I kept in the closet, just in case, and sure enough, it came right on.  So it was the monitor ALL ALONG.  Not sure what I paid $99 for.

  Lois and I put a warp on the AVL last week, just because it was all wound and waiting, and I didn't want it lying around all summer.  So now the warp, and the computer, are ready, when I get around to them...which will probably be a while.

It's hand dyed silk, so something to look forward to weaving.

I also had a ton of wound skeins of 8/2 cotton, so I decided to dye them all before my surgery, so I wouldn't be tempted to go and do it when I shouldn't.

Cause I know myself well.

And that's my story for now.......busy schedule until the day.......then I will be on the other

side of it, and that will make me glad.  Thinking about it, anticipating it, is awful.

I will be going to the library to stock up on books.  That's a must.

And there's PT, of course.

Lots of PT.

And I tell myself, the pity train has just pulled up to the station named "SUCK IT UP and MOVE ON."

And so I will.  

I'll keep you all posted.

 

Wowza

First off.....the soup recipe is in the tab at the top  of the page......enjoy.

FYI it will not be the same if you don't use the red lentils, they cook and break up differently....makes the soup to be honest.

So here it is, my new table and chairs, I think at least one of my daughters thinks that I have lost my mind, but I love it.

I'm ordering a bigger round rug, this one is a bit small, it should be here Friday.

To be honest, this is more me.......I'm not fancy, just never have subscribed to that, it doesn't feel natural to me.  This is old, used, it has been loved.

It's home.

Just one of the chairs has arms.  The chairs don't match the table, the table could stand a refinish.

I still love it.

Several weeks ago, I started having this pain in the ball of my foot......it felt like there was something in my foot.  Youngest daughter went at it with a needle, but found nothing.

So I've been limping around on it, and it hurts.   A couple of weeks ago, I saw a local podiatrist.  The podiatrist I have seen in the past, is over an hour away, so I decided to give this new guy a try.

Big mistake.

He looked at it, didn't touch it........said, nope it's not a foreign body, and it's not a plantar's wart, which is what I thought it "might" be.  He put a FOAM cushion under my sole in that exact spot, and sent me on my way.

Nurses are notoriously lousy patients,  and I am no exception.  I was not happy.

I limped around another week, and made an appointment with my regular guy, and took the drive today.

Thank GOD.  

It WAS  a foreign body, trying to work it's way out.   He performed minor surgery on it right then and there.  When I told him what the other doctor said, he just shook his head.

It's sore right now, but at least I'm hopefully on the healing path at last.  

And yes, it's the same side as my soon to be replaced knee.   Of course it is.

Spending a lot of time on the screen porch, and I imagine it will really be my friend come July.

My lease was up on my Subaru Forester, so here's my new one.

Driving down the highway today, I thought about how fortunate I am, to have all that I have.

Sure, I have things to deal with, but still.........how amazing is it to   have your own home, your

 own car, money to buy food,  health care, family, friends.

And that brings me to all your lovely responses.   Thank you.  Thank you for taking the time to

 let me know that you are out there reading this blog, thank you for sharing that I have

 somehow touched your lives, made a difference, no matter how slight, inspired you, made you

 feel not so alone,  allowed. me to be your friend.   

You truly made my week with all your kind words.

I used random.org to choose the winner. and the number that came up was number 1!!!!

So the winner is Marsha Melson.   Email me your address.....and tell me what color your kitchen is......and I will send your towel right out.

And no, I'm not going anywhere.  Just think of all the time I will have this summer,  to blog 

 and read!!  It boggles the mind!

A Giveaway

Every now and again, I wonder why I am still blogging all these years later, and I wonder, is anybody out there, other than the handful of people that I am pretty sure  are still hanging on??

So that tells me it's time for another giveaway.......you know the kind, where all you have to do is comment, to get a chance at something from Crazy as a Loom Weaving Studio........this time it will be a hand woven towel from my collection.

Today is Sunday, so I will draw the winner on WEDNESDAY, the 26th, to give everyone a chance.

These next two photos are from a couple of weeks ago, but they make me happy, so here they are.

They love the hot tub, and I love that you can see the chickens in the background.

I

I swear that my living room is not usually quite this messy, but a 7 yr old, a 4 yr old, and a 1 yr old can change all that in a heartbeat.

And I never mind one bit.  It's worth it.

My neighbor's had a yard sale the other day, and because they had run the country store for years apon years, I wanted to see what they were selling.

I bought a few small things, keeping in mind that I have just downsized my house by over  600 items.  But I just could not resist this.

I love things with lights in them.  It's a weakness.

I also bought their dining room table and chairs, and I will be getting rid of mine soon, but that's for another post.

Today I have a Spinach lentil soup on the stove,  it smells heavenly.

Yesterday, I spent a great deal, ok......all day, trying to convince myself that I do not need this knee surgery.   That changed this morning, when I stepped out of bed to extreme pain.  So I decided today to stop whinging about it, and get some stuff done.

I had my little loom on the screen porch, and I've been occasionally amusing myself making wall hangings.  One of them is sold already, the other is pending.  They were a lot of fun to weave.

I am trying to accept the fact that for probably July and August, I will not be of much use to 

myself or anyone else.  But I know that I have to have this done, if I want to stay on my 

feet, and I do.

My oldest daughter read me the riot act this morning, kind of.  Wonder where she gets THAT from?

She said I need to be thinking about this as a positive thing in my life, and if I decide it is going to be good, and an improvement, and it's going to make my life better, then it will, that whatever I put out there into the universe, will come back to me.

So that's what I am doing.

You can comment on any old thing you like, to be entered into the free towel drawing on WEDNESDAY.

Getting old.

Those of you who have followed my blog from years ago, will remember my brain surgery in August 2012.

Shortly after that, my grand daughter, Gabby, wanted a "prairie girl" outfit for Halloween, and of course, I said no problem.

But it was a problem.

I didn't admit it then, and I don't really like admitting it now, but my brain was not completely rebooted.

I struggled with reading the pattern, and just about all of it.  I'm embarrassed to say that it was really, really hard, and I was not happy with it.

But she loved it.

And that made it all worth while.

Fast forward nine years, and the outfit gets passed down to my youngest grand daughter, 

And the power of persistence pays off, again.

It just makes my heart glad, and puts some of my grief, for all the losses to come of that incident, to rest.

If that makes sense.

There is nothing that makes me happier than these grands.  

Watching them, knowing them, being a part of their lives.

I have no idea how long I will be around.  They may grow up and barely remember me.

But still, I will have impacted their lives, and those feelings may stay with them, for a long, long time.

I hope so.

This piece of silk weaving gave me fits.  It was an awful warp, but it turned out to be beautiful.

And it's gone.  I kind of wish I'd kept a piece of it.

In other news, I have been amusing myself making some funky art pieces to hang on the wall, for no other reason than that they make me happy.

Sydney says, " That sounds like a plan, to me."

One of these days, I'm going to write a book, called "Sydney Says".

I have wanted a fountain for a long time.  I had this old whetstone behind the  barn, the wooden frame had rotted, and there was a metal rod sticking through the middle of it.  My neighbor and friend took the rod out of it for me, and it is perfect.  I can hear the sound of the water falling, from the screen porch.  It is soothing, and I love it.  $40 total cost.

L brings  me asparagus every spring, so I made two asparagus leek tarts, one for her, and one for me.

They were easy to throw together, and delicious.  Definitely a keeper.

Another idea that has been rolling around in my brain.....the fountain in the middle of the labyrinth.  I had water in it the first year, but the cord was an issue, keeping it buried under the rocks and the pebbles, so I eventually gave it up.  Last year, my "hens and chicks" went a little wild, so when they came back this year, I decided to give them a new home.   I am hoping that they will fill in  and come back every year, and that the fountain will take care of itself somewhat, and not look so empty and forlorn.

On the knee issue, 8 months of dealing with the pain is just about enough.  It has made me miserable, and there is no getting better unfortunately.  So after seeing two different doctors, I am scheduled for a knee replacement the end of June.  I wish it was tomorrow.

Yes, this getting older thing is tough.

There are a whole lot of things about it that I don't like.

I am sure you know what I am talking about.  No need to elaborate.

But then there are perks.

So many.  Not caring about what people think anymore, after years of doing just that.

Not getting up and going to work for someone else, morning after morning.

Appreciating all those little things you took for granted your whole life.

But most of all, this.

Being grateful for the opportunity to get old enough, wrinkled enough, to be their "Mimi".   

Or getting to be, as my little grandson said,  an "old lady".

How is that so fine?????

Whoosh

Sometimes in the early morning, while I am drinking coffee on the couch with my two faithful, sometimes needy companions, I hear a "whoosh", "whoosh", outside.

Looking out my living room window, straight down Route 4, I saw this balloon.  There was another one right behind it, and they both were very close to the power lines, and the highway, before they landed down by Sally's Hen House, a local diner.

Willie did not like them at all......and sat in the window barking at them for awhile.

Naya yawned.

I was just glad to see that they landed without incident.

I've been weaving, but not in a hell bent pace, making things here and there.

Running a week long sale on my FB biz page, one item half price every day, for just that day.

It will pump up the down payment I am needing to buy my Subaru, when my lease is up in June, 

and it takes some things off the rack to make room for new stuff.

Plus it keeps my followers happy.

Sometimes people message me and say that they can't find my web site.   Once again, it's gone.

GONE.

No more hassle.  No more outrageous cost, and costly updates.

SIMPLIFY.

That's my mantra.

In a crazy, crazy, world,  keeping it simple is the only way I 

can hang on,

If I make it, it will appear on FB.

If you want it, message me.

I'll paypal you, and it will arrive at your doorstep.

How much easier could it be?

Ruana in silk warp, and silk boucle' weft, hand dyed.

This wacky shawl left within two hours of posting.

Honestly, FB makes me more money than my web site has done in quite some time.

Made it easier to let it go.

I have also been trying hard to use up my stash of yarn, and not buy a lot of new stuff.

So here is yards and yards of chenille warp, with various wefts, all plant fibers, so washable.  It is super soft, and I have not yet been moved to cut it.

Yard work has dogged me for the last few years.   My fused neck makes it difficult, and head ache producing, to do much of it.

Last year, I found this amazing help on FB marketplace, and he worked for me all year long.  

He actually facilitated the whole process of removing the barn, cleaning up the mess, and landscaping 

the back yard .  Unfortunately, this year, he has a full time job, and he is not available.

I almost cried.

This area to the south of the chicken yard, was overrun last year with Sumac.   He cleaned it all up.

So yesterday, I went out and hit it with the push weed whacker, and hopefully, I can keep it like this.

If the Sumac takes off, and gets too high, it completely takes over, and it is horrific to deal with.

While I am weed whacking, the girls are waiting for any stray blades of grass to come their way.

One thing I have decided, the more I let my creative muse do her thing the more sales I make.

Apparently, the people who follow my weaving lean more to the hippie side of me.

Not that there really is much of a conservative side, though occasionally I try.

That isn't so appealing, it seems.

So I guess I'll just go with it.

This is way more fun anyway.

Lost

Driving home from my middle daughter's house the other day, I got lost.   GPS???    Well, I decided the GPS didn't know what she was talking about, so I ignored her.   I saw the route signs, and thought that was where I wanted to be, except that I wanted north, and I was headed south.  In the city of Troy, NY, getting turned around was easy.  While there were some impressive old homes and factories along the river, most of it was depressing, and a little scary.  But mostly, I was so annoyed with myself, for missing my turn that would have taken me north along the Hudson,  through the countryside, home.

It happened because I was deep in thought about the process of getting older, and being separate from the children who had taken up most of my life.  I'm not sure why it hit me the way it did,  but it surely did.

For years and years, I was at the center of their existence, and at the same time, at the center of my mother's, and now.............well, I'm not.  Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly proud of my three daughters.  They are beautiful girls, they all have a great work ethic (no surprise there), they are all great moms, and are settled at work and at home.   I know that I did a pretty good job raising them, and for that I am pleased.

But as time goes on, and they and I get older, I am occasionally blindsided by the fact that they now have their own families, and that their priorities have changed, as of course they should.

Most times, this would not bother me, for it is the proper and anticipated outcome of life.

But on occasion, when I find myself overwhelmed............yes, by too much physical pain, and by the nagging feeling of something missed, something lost.  

  DH is distracted, distant, often fairly blank, certainly not of his own choosing, but there it is.

There was a time when he logged on to this blog every day, because he didn't want to miss a word or thought that I might have.  Now, I'm not sure he could find my blog online, and for certain, there is no interest in discovering anything about anyone.   So other than pick up after him, check up on him, worry about him, it is a solitary life I live.   I try not to resent the responsibility, but there are days when it seems like if you live alone, you should be free from all of that.  I try daily to be a better person, some days I struggle.

So after my minor emotional episode, all experienced on my own in my Subaru Forester, I came home and lost myself in a good book..........The Innocents, by Michael Crummey. (little book recommendation there)

Then the next morning, I got up and got busy.......put myself squarely back in the middle of my own life, which pretty much keeps me occupied enough on a daily basis.   I totally get what happened.  Sometimes, when I'm tired, or not feeling so great......or as they say in Al Anon....H.A.L.T..........hungry, angry, lonely, tired........it's often easy to go down a  rabbit hole.

Memories, feelings, regrets, and more, can sneak right up and slap you hard.  How does that go?????  The unexamined life is not worth living".....had to look it up, I didn't know that Socrates said that at this trial, when he chose death rather than exile.

And I think I have troubles.

So I'm not entirely sure I agree with Socrates, because examining what you cannot change, isn't something I want to spend too much time on.  I think I am leaning more to the mundane......you know???   Doing the dishes, warping the loom, dyeing some yarn, walking the dogs, collecting eggs,  all those things I do on a daily basis that make up a life......why do I need to turn it all upside down to figure it out.  

It's just life, that's all.  Just life.

Addendum:   

Photos of all my towels are now here on my blog, just click on the tab "Towels" on the top of the page.

Is it Spring yet?

Today sure felt like spring, but I'm not convinced.   Too many years I have seen spring snow storms that appeared out of nowhere.

So I'm hopeful, but definitely not convinced.

April 1st, I wash and dry my winter coat, and put it away, no matter what.

Maybe it's the last year in isolation, or getting older, but whatever it is, I am often nostalgic for days gone by.   Lately, I've been missing my old friend.   Going through boxes of old pictures really took me back.

Here we are, about 13.   Not sure what was up with Gayle's bright red lipstick.  I think it was a phase she went through for a short time.

Here we are many moons later.........

Do we ever stop missing those old friends???  Family???   All those who leave us behind?

Life, however, continues on, and gives us other people to love, like these two.

Baking bread at Mimi's house..........

Having a tea party in the middle of the living room, with two attentive guests waiting for a cookie.

Weaving continues........I am committed to NOT buying any more thread, but using up all the thread I have.   It requires me to concentrate and think about what is possible, and not go for the first thing that pops into my head.

I am trying to stay positive, but the news every day is almost too much to bear.   The mobs in Florida, people not taking this virus seriously, our everyday world so changed, so alien, immigrants and their children suffering, with no clear solutions....the ongoing battle between the two political parties, long gone any hope that we could mend this vast difference between us.

All very dismal.   I know I won't live long enough to see some of the devastating results to the planet, but I grieve for my children, and more, for my grandchildren, innocent in all of it.

I am so grateful that I grew up when I did, and where I did.  I was so fortunate.   I don't remember the world looking so scary.

But maybe I just didn't know.  Maybe it was.  I like to believe, though, that it was different, that we were different.

Later............

Hello March

Today is the last day of February, and I am not sad to see it go.  It's not just that I am  officially a year older, but it seems like I have had too many doctor appointments this month, and no end in sight.

Is this the deal???   Every year older, something else falls apart???   Oh, the horrors.

My knee still hurts a lot, it actually doesn't feel much better than it did right after I tore my meniscus.   The ortho I've been seeing says I should get on his "list" for a total knee.  I don't know why I am feeling so uneasy about it.  I've had arthritis in both knees for so long.  But this feels different, and I am just not comfortable with what I am being told.  So in late April, I have an appointment with another ortho, one who has stellar recommendations.  If he says I need a total knee, I will accept that.

In the studio, I had an issue with the AVL, when a cable just snapped while I was weaving.

I managed to find one at the local hardware store, with the ferrules I needed to close the ends, and the store even lent me the tool to squeeze the ferrules together.  They didn't have them to sell, but they were very nice about letting me take theirs home.

So with Lois' help, the cable got replaced, with a lot of cursing on my part.

But then, the e-lift didn't work, because when the cable snapped,  the harnesses crashed down, and both cables came unwound.  I tried to put them back on, but really didn't know what I was doing, even after reading the manual...........again.  I swear I've read the whole thing through about 15 times.

Anyway, I was finally able to SKYPE with Bob from AVL in CA.  It took two separate sessions, but the e-lift is now working.

And I am yet more educated about this loom.  Amazing.

Lois and I put a 20 yard warp on it, and I'm weaving again.

 

 More circles.   I still love them.

Since before Christmas, I have been a little obsessed about the basement in this old house.  It was still cluttered with debris and old lumber and minutia that has been there for years.  In addition, the sill was not sealed against the outside, it was cold, and easy access to critters.

So last week, Northeast Spray Foam was here for two days, and they completely sealed the walls down there.  It's amazing.

Then today, I hired a young guy to clean it out.   Everything went, the only thing down there now is the furnace, the fuel tank, and the water heater.

It's a good feeling, the cellar is sealed, it's bare, clean (as clean as it can be with a dirt floor)

and EMPTY.   I feel like I've accomplished this amazing feat!   Maybe that's what getting old is all about.  Getting excited about pretty mundane things.

On another front, I had a new floor put down in the 1/2 bath/walk in closet downstairs.

All the floors in the house are wood, but it was too hard to get a sander in that small room, so we had just painted the floor, and it was crummy.

This is much nicer.

While I was waiting for the AVL to be back on line, I decided to make a blanket out of some of my hand woven scraps.  It turned out to be 60" x 70", and it's pretty heavy.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but I am kind of inspired to try more patchwork type throws, all with bits of hand woven fabric.

I'm scheduled for my first vaccine tomorrow just 3 miles from my house.  I suppose it's a necessary evil.

In spite of everything on my mind, I still find myself exploring gratitude.  Mornings when it's still dark, the fire is on, Syd and Naya and Willie are asleep nearby, sitting here with my cuppa coffee and just my own thoughts, I look at the clock, and wish it to slow down.  I want to keep this peaceful, quiet, few moments of serenity for as long as I can.  I want to think about my plans for the day, I want to do the NY Times crossword on my laptop, I want to close my eyes and just be here.

 

Soon enough I will be putting my boots on, trudging out to the chicken coop in my bathrobe, feeding chickens, hearing about their night.  I will be starting my day.

Sometimes, I just want to be like Syd.