Crazy as a Loom

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Not the usual.

Just let me say this:  I am OLD.   I feel like I am about 100.
My granddaughters, who I love MADLY, have something to do with it.
Not all, but something.

They do their very best to run me ragged.

But they love me.

As evidenced by their message........We love you Mimi, Ava and Gabriella.

And I love them.

But lately, I confess, I have been in 'extreme annoyed mode'.
It ain't pretty.
I know how it started, I just don't know how to get out of it.
It isn't easy admitting it, for sure.
My mother has lived with us for 7 years. For the most part, it has been OK.  We have managed to get comfortable with it.
But then my mother fell,  just as her mental status was moving to the "I'm a child" phase.
I feel like a new mother, all over again.
And I don't want to be.
And I feel guiltier than I can even explain, because on the one hand, I am grateful, that I still have her.
And on the other hand, she drives me wild.
So I am bitchy.  Can I say that???
My husband still has his head on his shoulders, but barely.
And the worst part........I'm not usually like this.  No, I'm not.
Some mornings, I wake up annoyed.
It just ain't right, folks.
Like a baby, I need to be FLIPPED.   Maybe that would straighten me out.

The knots in my neck are double size.

I tell myself to knock it off, but my SELF is not listening good.

I want to calm down, I do.  I want to take a deep breath and let it all go.  I do.  Why can't I?
I know this will pass, and it will get better.  I know it's not forever.  I know that I am doing the best job I can do.  It's enough.  I know that.

There is so much good about life.  Why am I letting this little blip on the screen throw me?

I need to stop and smell the lilacs.

I can learn a lot from these two.    I know.

We picked rhubarb, and weeded the flower beds.  They learned about 'nasty nettles', a lesson best remembered.

We had a good day, and now DH is making a pizza.  God bless him.  If it were up to me, we would be having grilled cheese.  Or  PB & J.  Something mindless.

I love that you are all out there, reading my randomness, and often times sending me good thoughts, and taking the time to make a comment that is just what I need to hear.
Thanks for that.

Mystery of the day:
I ordered this tree a couple of years ago, from   I thought it was dead, but obviously it is not.  I have no idea what kind of tree it is.

Any ideas??   I only know that I ordered it because it was not your usual.  Whatever that means.


TexWisGirl said...

those grandgirls look like they're enjoying themselves at your place. soak up some of their innocent, simple joy for a bit to help carry you thru...

MarthaVA said...

Hilary, taking on the task (and yes, it's a task) of taking care of an aging parent is the hardest thing to do in life. It really is.
I hope you can shake the nasties. It's not fun to feel that way. I get that way sometimes, and I don't have the stress you do.
As someone who has had a very stressful life, I'd like to offer some advice. It probably isn't what you want to hear. But, I feel it is solid advice. When taking care of your mother is stressing you out like this, do you really think that you taking care of your mother, is the best thing for all involved? I know I know, you don't want to put her in a "home." Assisted living, if it is an option, is actually not a bad thing (in good places). It's something that can actually take the stress away from the family, and it makes visitations more special. It also gives your loved one a place with other people their own age. And usually good medical care also.
Please, take care of you. I had tons of stress and didn't take proper care of myself and had a heart attack 4 years ago (in two days it'll be exactly 4 years). Life is too precious to spend it being stressed or unhappy.
Meanwhile, here are some (((HUGS))). Maybe you need to get drunk? Hey, it's a thought... :-)


Joy said...

Dear heart: I agree with Martha! If Mom staying with you is not going to leave a joyous last impression, which is what we all prefer, then dump the GUILT and get outside help. Why we insist on feeling guilty when there is no reason to be In this situation I am not sure. Placing her in her own space, where you can be sure of her daily care, and then you spend special outings and enjoy the times you have left instead of seething over the dailiness of life and feeling awful! I would rather enjoy times with Mom than embrace the guilt and anger that stops positive emotions because we just cannot bring ourselves to do the hard thing that will keep us all sane. Endurance in this case is not a virtue. It leads to negativity, when there are options to consider that are much more positive. Adult care is not like it used to be...check it out!

Have a positive day,

ain't for city gals said...

I partly agree with Martha but if nothing else just explore other options...and see if medicare will pay. Maybe a home health nurse...maybe a adult day group through a respite center....maybe someone that can come in a couple of days a week to do other chores around the house for you to make things easier. You might even have to cut back a bit at the are just trying to do too much right now. Part of the problem is that if you bring in private care it just cost so darn taking care of my dad I keep telling myself it is an honor and a privilege...and so far that has gotten me through....and I know mine won't be near as long as I want it to be...and that does make a difference. If you see it is going to be a very long time with your mom you are going to have to get some just cannot keep all the balls in the air forever.

Country Girl said...

I don't know the right thing to say to help you through this. My sister bore the brunt of caring for our aging parents and although we went out to CA from time to time, it wasn't nearly enough. It's one of the most difficult things in the world to do and some day you're going to need help with it. I'm sorry you're going through it ~ nothing wrong with venting, and any good soul would feel guilty.

Sandra Tyler said...

Gosh, all that about your mom hits home; my mother has had two falls, and though at 92 she's still mentally alert, I am an only child (with two small children of my own, 6 and 7), and my mother in the past year has become a huge responsibility. Yes, I know the annoyed feeling. I got to the point where I was annoyed every time I saw her. We never bickered as we do now. It's not easy. But it helps me to read about someone else's own similar frustration.

claudia said...

Women have a tendency to put others before themselves. You need to take care of you first, then you are able to take care of others. Time out is essential, your own peaceful time is essential. There should be programs to help with that. Google it. Maybe you wil find some help close by.
Hang in there. we're all here for you!

Franny V said...

Your granddaughters are beautiful, but I'm sure they can be a handful sometimes. Relax, sit back and smell the lilacs! Oh, I do miss them. They don't grow around here.

The rhubarb looks great. Just seeing it makes the hinges of my jaw hurt and my mouth water! Strawberry-rhubarb pie! Yum.

(GBS) NewsFromTheHill said...

I loved your honesty! You aren't alone but sometimes I think not enough people tell the truth about their mixed feelings.
Maybe a glass of wine with those lilacs will help? :)
Grace (new reader.... don't know one end of a loom from another but I used to do hardanger needlework.... does that count!)

Jo said...

I completely understand how you feel. I'm taking care of my deceased husband's mother, seven dogs one with epilepsy and a full-time job as a nurse. Sometimes I just want a little alone time in my own home. What I've done for myself is set up a weekly massage which does wonders for my spirit. I also remind myself that even though my job is high stress, at least I have a job and a way to support all of us.

Marsel said...

While you're taking time to smell those lilacs, please take a whiff (or two or three) for me. I miss them (they don't bloom in the South)!

Cait Throop said...

Ohhhh I find myself agreeing with Martha...that said it is so hard to convince the aging parent that that route is what's good for everyone. And money is always an issue. But you do have to take care of yourself first and let the guilt go...tough problem, indeed...

calamazoo said...

Research, research. Check out the options available in your area. If you are not ready to have your mom in assisted living or away from you full-time, maybe a part-time companion or assistant at your home would be feasible?
Did you and your mom ever discuss what to do if/when she was unable to fully care for herself?
The best time to look into any kind of elder care is not when it is needed immediately, but beforehand. Lots of good "how to choose a nursing home" (and all of the other eldercare options) via Google. Researching the options isn't throwing in the towel, it's forearming oneself.
Hope you have a bit of a respite from your cares. Caring for an aging family member can be a lovely but challenging task.

Peg Cherre said...

Just a quick note. Yes, nettles are nasty when they sting you. But they're also amazingly good for your health, picked and boiled like greens.

Sometimes the things that bite you can have a good side, too. Like just about everything in life.

Karen said...

Hilary, I love these photos.. and understand the sentiment. My Dad and I have never had a great relationship and that makes it all harder, and now that he is older he needs me. I do what I can, and I feel the resentment, and then the guilt, and I do what I am supposed to. I wish I had some words of wisdom here... I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and not always making the best decisions.

It seems to me you are a very caring daughter and you're doing a great job navigating. I think being honest with each other and working through each issue as you talk to each other about the situation at hand, whether it's housing - living arrangement or money or health care, etc... will get you through.

Donna S. said...

I am late responding to this...been busy. First of all, it is not a little is a huge undertaking that takes a lot of love & patience (& guilt). Isn't that our middle name? One day at a time girl..

Sharon said...

I was at a retreat this weekend where the topic often returned to mothers at the ends of their lives. There is no easy out and lots of heartache. None of us could have given you a word of wisdom - I'm not sure there is one. We were on cell phone throughout the days with one of us who is in Florida as her mother's medical situation becomes more critical by the day. Her heart is breaking. No easy out.

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Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts