I was at the studio by 8am, waiting for the furnace repairman to come. I called them to come and check it, because it makes so much noise. Now, understand, it has ALWAYS sounded like a Volkswagen taking off, but lately, it has been even worse. When it's running, the vibration is deafening.
We don't use it often, the pellet stove on one end of the house, and the Monitor heater on the other end, keep the big old house fairly comfortable.......but I want to have it in good running order for a back up.
The bad news is that the heat exchangers have apparently rusted apart, or some such nonsense.
It will last a while, but it probably means there is a NEW furnace in my future.
I consoled myself weaving in front of the pellet stove, which was roaring a beautiful flame, with the sun pouring through the window next to me.
More placemats, different fabric. I am building up quite a stash.
Right outside the window, is what's left of my hydrangea bush.
I think it's still quite lovely.
I have been thinking a lot about responsibility, commitment, and promises. Spoken and unspoken.
I remember my father sitting at my kitchen table, about a week before he died.
He asked me, with a nod towards my mother, "What about her?"
I said, "I will take care of her. You don't have to worry about that."
And I meant it.
Seven years have passed.
And there are days that I feel like a fly on fly paper. Stuck. Trapped.
Just not knowing what to do next.
I don't like feeling like the 'resentful caregiver', but truth is.........sometimes I do.
I have thought a whole lot about it. I have pried into the corners of my brain, searched for answers, evaluated the options, and then done it again.
What I have come up with is this:
I need to try harder. I need to dig deeper. I need to breathe and let some of it go.
I need to be better.
A lot better.
I guess it's ok to have flaws.
I know that I do.
Sometimes, I just wish that life could be as simple as this......stacks of rugs, bursting with color.
Nothing more, nothing less