Monday, March 12, 2012


Trying to chill with my eyes closed, sun beating on my face.  I concentrate on the backs
of my eyelids, and see a golden orange color.  Eventually, I see moving green, and then purples.
Suddenly I am 14, lying on the beach, listening to the wind, people talking, the waves rolling up onto the beach.
We are positioned on the beach as close to the fence as we can get, because on the other side of the fence, there is a cabin, and a right of way to the beach, and that's where the boys' camp comes to swim.
I don't want to open my eyes, wherever I am in my head, I want to stay there.

Wait.  I'm not 14, well then, maybe I'm 19.
I'm in love, lying in the sun, dreaming of a gangly boy who will break my heart, at least for the moment. I am wearing the first two piece bathing suit I have ever owned.  It is green, with little red flowers.  The underwire bra would make anyone look good. The sun is so hot.  I wonder if I'm burning.  With my freckles, and complexion, it's probably a given.  Maybe I shouldn't have put that concoction of baby oil and iodine on my legs.  Hmm.   But it's hard to concentrate on anything but these colors behind my eyelids.  So I don't.

Wait, no.  I'm 30 something, lying in the grass behind my house.  I have cried, but now my tears have given way to an incredible sleepiness, as if I am trying to be oblivious to the pain.  Even though it is spring, the sun feels so warm, and soothing, and if I concentrate on the backs of my eyelids...........

But really, I think I am in 48, and the lounge chair I have dragged from the shed to the deck has seen better days.  The quiet is only broken by the screech of a hawk somewhere off the horizon.  I have a day off, and I am not thinking of that horrible place I make my living.  No.  I am dreaming of serenity, my own, after years of misery.  I smile, thinking of what I know now, and how it will change my life.
And if I can just focus on the backs of my eyelids, well, I see something.....colors, yes....shifting colors.

NO, WAIT..........I am half way through SIXTY-DOM, and I am riding in the car, closing my eyes, because the Flexeril I took to relax me has made me sleepy.  I am on my way for an injection of steroids into my neck.  I really can't think about it, you know.
The sun is shining, it feels good on my face, and if I pay attention and really concentrate, well, the colors,  they just blow my mind.

Pictures courtesy of Next, whom I also call Buddy.  This boy is a lover, and he needs a forever home, besides out in my barn.
Universe??????  Are you out there???  Do you hear me?????


Deb said...

This was so well written I was right there wit ya.

Deb said...

Sorry, I wanted to wish you luck with your injection today. I hope by now it is over-with and you are feeling the effects. I posted a link to your site on my last post. I'm feeling very hopeful that these headaches will soon be history. Deb

Denise at Autumn Sky said...

I wish for you the relief you need. And more beautiful colors.

Daryl said...

He is so used to living outdoors, I wonder if he would become an indoor cat ..

Sharon said...

...hoping this is the turning point, from pain to comfort. It's time.

Karen said...

Hilary... do you think Buddy would be OK as a barn cat? Meaning he would only have a tack room in a barn they he could come and go from as shelter?

Hoping the injections are bringing you relief...

Loved this post.. you are a writer, too, ya know.

Country Girl said...

Ok, I want you to know . . . that despite all this . . . this post was beautiful.

Hilary said...

The injection was a rude awakening to such a mishmash of memories.. some good.. some not so much. All well told.

I hope it went alright today..

thecrazysheeplady said...

Wonderful writing.

Anonymous said...

They will readily admit I closed casinos... , the SUndowner, the Silver Club in Sparks, but they won't admit I am responsible for Silver Legacy.
Or putting the railroad underground so it doesn't have to blow its horn everyday at 3am through downtown Reno.
You don't admit the Silver Club despite the connection to the Hells Angel's murder at JohnAsquaga's Nugget?
You don't admit I built the Fremont Steet Experience in Vegas? "you did a lot there." How about free tickets for Santana?
I was standing out front of the motherfucking Mandalay Bay event center looking for a ticket to the riddick Bowe/Holyfield fight and couldn't get in.
Don't forget the other obvious Vegas development::::Danny Gans at the Rio in Vegas. Anyways, he went to the Bellagio because of me and allowed to die, thereby alleviating the real of incurring further evil.
How about Brokeback Mountain? They allowed the same tactic to be employed after the BAtman movie people praised so strongly.
Did you know Steve Jobs was a Posevelski clue??? How about that for mover and shaker??
I think I built both separate parking garages at my two favorite casinos, a clue due to the connection:::Binion's Horseshoe (Rounders, poker) and CalNeva Reno. "One of them is mad." Learned a lesson:::Don't do what you're told. What the gods tell you is temptation, a test of your worthiness. You have accepted responsibility and will be judged for what's been entrusted to you, professionally, family, etc.

Welcome to my world.

Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts