Monday, March 12, 2012
Trying to chill with my eyes closed, sun beating on my face. I concentrate on the backs
of my eyelids, and see a golden orange color. Eventually, I see moving green, and then purples.
Suddenly I am 14, lying on the beach, listening to the wind, people talking, the waves rolling up onto the beach.
We are positioned on the beach as close to the fence as we can get, because on the other side of the fence, there is a cabin, and a right of way to the beach, and that's where the boys' camp comes to swim.
I don't want to open my eyes, wherever I am in my head, I want to stay there.
Wait. I'm not 14, well then, maybe I'm 19.
I'm in love, lying in the sun, dreaming of a gangly boy who will break my heart, at least for the moment. I am wearing the first two piece bathing suit I have ever owned. It is green, with little red flowers. The underwire bra would make anyone look good. The sun is so hot. I wonder if I'm burning. With my freckles, and complexion, it's probably a given. Maybe I shouldn't have put that concoction of baby oil and iodine on my legs. Hmm. But it's hard to concentrate on anything but these colors behind my eyelids. So I don't.
Wait, no. I'm 30 something, lying in the grass behind my house. I have cried, but now my tears have given way to an incredible sleepiness, as if I am trying to be oblivious to the pain. Even though it is spring, the sun feels so warm, and soothing, and if I concentrate on the backs of my eyelids...........
But really, I think I am in 48, and the lounge chair I have dragged from the shed to the deck has seen better days. The quiet is only broken by the screech of a hawk somewhere off the horizon. I have a day off, and I am not thinking of that horrible place I make my living. No. I am dreaming of serenity, my own, after years of misery. I smile, thinking of what I know now, and how it will change my life.
And if I can just focus on the backs of my eyelids, well, I see something.....colors, yes....shifting colors.
NO, WAIT..........I am half way through SIXTY-DOM, and I am riding in the car, closing my eyes, because the Flexeril I took to relax me has made me sleepy. I am on my way for an injection of steroids into my neck. I really can't think about it, you know.
The sun is shining, it feels good on my face, and if I pay attention and really concentrate, well, the colors, they just blow my mind.
Pictures courtesy of Next, whom I also call Buddy. This boy is a lover, and he needs a forever home, besides out in my barn.
Universe?????? Are you out there??? Do you hear me?????
Welcome to my world.