Thursday, July 12, 2012

Looking up

Over the last few months, I have become tearful at the drop of a hat.
I blame it on the headache.
Why not, right?

An example, just a while ago, I was driving up the highway, having fetched two grands for the day, and I saw a plane overhead.  He was low, and seemed to be barely moving.
And suddenly, I remembered the plane that was landed on the Hudson, shortly after leaving La Guardia......actually only 6 minutes into the flight.  They were hit by a flock of Canadian geese, and lost both engines.   The pilot gracefully put the Airbus onto the Hudson,  next to Midtown Manhattan, (an incredible feat) when in all reality, the aircraft could have end over ended like a Frisbee.
155 people walked off the wing, and to safety, back to their lives.

Driving on a sunny day, thinking of it, I started to tear up.

That happens to me a lot.
I wonder about it sometimes.  Was it the blow to the back of my head?  Did it scramble my brain up too much?
Is it the Chiari?  Squeezing my brain, so that now it is a quivering blob that feels too much?
Or is it just having a pounder day after day after day, that makes me feel so vulnerable, and sensitive, so that sometimes I just feel like I am  a huge rawness that can't take even the slightest breeze without wincing.
Sometimes I imagine that I am so alone, and it makes my heart ache.
Perhaps, it is being alone with this headache that does it.....because no matter how you slice it, no one really knows how you feel.
Not really.  In spite of all their good intentions.

The quality of my days is impaired in the way I operate.  Normally, I am a class act multitasker.   Seriously, I am.
But now, and for months, I find that there is already too much going on in my brain to concentrate the way I used to.
It's a shocker, let me tell ya.

The frustration level is high......after months trying to investigate, going from doctor to doctor, treatment to treatment, and still with no answers.  Cut loose from the medical community, while they send me here, and there, and back here again.

Then there are the times that, in spite of my best intentions, I find myself asking, "Why me?"
I don't linger there long.
Another voice is quick to answer that one.
"It's the luck of the draw.  There is no rhyme, no reason.  No one is saying you deserve this.  It just IS what it IS.  Get over it."
And yet another:  "I can do this.  I can cope with this.  I am not giving in to this headache.  NOT TODAY."

I have drawn heavily on my experience with Al Anon.  Not looking too far ahead.  Not worrying if I can deal with this whole experience, not knowing where it will end, or even if it will.
But knowing that today, JUST TODAY, I can do this.
I can handle this today.  I can get through today.  This headache will not kill me TODAY.
So, I do one day at a time.
And sometimes, I cry.
But that's ok, too.  I let the tears fall.  I dry my eyes, and then I get on with it.
All I have is today.
Let me make it the most alive and wonderful day that I can make it.
It's the least, and the best, that I can do.


joyceetta said...

I cannot imagine how demoralizing your HH is. I broke a rib 3 days ago and already I am just so tired of dealing with the pain, the not sleeping well and the not feeling like myself. This morning I realized that I have 'HAD IT'. My emotions are just below the surface. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I am crabby and angry and nothing seems right. The fact that you have been dealing with pain for so many months just boggles my mind. I so hope that something/someone helps you soon.
By the way....I can't wrap my brain around that last photo....could you explain just what I am seeing? Thanks

Anonymous said...

This headache of yours should have been solved MONTHS ago. I'm really pissed off that it hasn't been so get yourself to the right doctors and tell them you are not leaving until they solve it. Mayo Clinic?? Just do it.

Mary said...

Your message today is very touching I struggle with depression and have for most of my life. When I think past the moment I get lost in anxiety and hopelessness.. Thank you for expressing your thoughts Hilary. It means a lot to me.

Karen said...

I think by sharing what you're dealing with, you have helped others in more ways than you know, Hilary. See above. You are lightness in the dark, even when you feel you are treading in the dark. I wonder if you know it.....

Deb said...

You're probably going to wince at this but is there any way you can get away for awhile, away from all your responsibilities and dead-lines? Maybe 10 days of no worries or feeling guilty about not being at the studio so much. Could you maybe close shop for awhile? I think it would do you good. Hugs

Franny V said...

I feel for you. I know what it's like to be in pain and shuffled hither and yon just to be told that there's nothing that can be done about it and just learn to live with it. At to least my pain is in my back and can be eased pretty much by sitting still. I can't imagine what it would be like with a headache like yours. It does make you feel alone. I thought I was the only one that felt that way.

As for the crying, I am a first class crier. I cry when something makes me sad, but I also cry when something makes me happy.

Linda said...

After having three total knee replacements in a year and a half I can cry at the drop of a hat, too. I sometimes wonder if it is like post traumatic stress disorder. Stroke patients cry, too. I believe when we through something so awful it changes us. I can only hope it passes with time.

MarthaVA said...

All very valid questions. HH has changed you for sure. I wish that you find the right doctors, to give you the right treatment.
Meanwhile...((((HUGS)))) because that's what I am good at!


Hilary said...

They'll figure it out and you'll be yourself again.

Have you totally ruled out things like allergies to the things you work with, mold in your home, hormone mischief and an infection of some sort?

Just thoughts to consider if you haven't already done so. Though knowing you, I'm pretty sure you have.

Hugs my sweet friend.

Lydia La La said...

Darling you have me crying. I feel for you.

Have you been diagnosed with a Chiari problem?
I looked it up and it is really scary stuff.
I suppose you would have been to a naturopath and a chiropath for help.
They can do wonders.
I go with Deb's idea of time out by yourself.

sandy said...

HH is draining you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually...I would suggest starting again at ground zero and see specialists in Chiari and head is too short to be living in pain.
Sending hugs to you that this will be solved.

Anonymous said...

Some of us cry without headaches. And some of us don't get half what you get done even though we don't have a headache. But ALL of us who read your blog are rooting for you, Hillary---to hang in there, to be as good to yourself as you can possibly be, and to come to a day when there is no more HH. Sending all good wishes to you, Becky

DJan said...

Please don't feel you need to respond to this comment, Hilary. If I could remove some of your stress, I would. Not having been following you for long, I'm not sure what HH is, but I know for sure I don't want it and wish you didn't have it. Constant pain changes everything, for everyone. You are not alone.

car loans said...

Hilary, don't give up. Be strong and fight for your rights. Consult a doctor and tell them your condition. You better let them check your headache earlier before its too late.

Sue said...

I find that I cry at the drop of a hat myself, since my back pain has taken over my life like HH has tried to take yours. It is not a sign of weakness. I just say I sprung a leak. Life does go on, whether or not we choose to participate. Taking part is more fun than curling up in a ball.

Shuttle, Hook and Needle said...

I really don't know how you have held up this long without crying, breaking down or living on pain meds. I am glad you are sharing your thoughts and feelings. I know that we cannot really understand all that you are going through with the pain and frustration. I hope that it helps a little that there are people listening and wishing you relief and answers to the HH.

Suzanne said...

Hilary, If I were there, I would cry with you.

Peg Cherre said...

Don't worry about the tears - it's all okay. You are STILL a marvel of a woman.

Have you tried reiki? I'd suggest giving that a try.

How about cranio-sacral work?

Mimi and Tilly said...

Hilary, I have a long-term illness that took seven years to be diagnosed. I don't know exactly what you're feeling but I can remember how I felt and the fear and loneliness I carried at feeling so ill and not getting any answers. There is something grindingly hard about feeling ill/pain day after day that simply leaves you feeling as if everything is crumbling because your body isn't performing for you the way it used to. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I wanted you to know I'm sending love and smiles through the internet ether in the hope they reach you and you know you are not alone. Em ♥

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