Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I cried.

What else to say.
I came home from the studio at noon.
Yup.  You guessed it.
Laid on the couch, Nurse Roy came to the rescue.
In desperation, I took 2 Fioricet, even though they have failed to help so far.
I couldn't sleep.  I just closed my eyes, and tried to go someplace else.
It wasn't working.  Two hours later, I haven't moved.
Is this me?

On the wall, over the double doors to the deck, there is a sign.

It says, 'Amazing Grace'.

I got teary.
Teary for my 87 year old mother, who has let her world get so small, she is sometimes a child again.
Teary for my husband, who had a stroke.
For my sweet, sweet Eddie, who left me for someplace better, and sent me Roy, sweet gift.
Teary for someone in my family facing health problems that sometimes seen insurmountable,  for a relative of someone dear to me, who is facing cancer.
Teary for a friend, who is slowly watching her husband die.
Teary for abandoned cats, that people think they can 'throw away'.
Teary for dogs in shelters, waiting for homes.
Teary for everything that has made me sad all year long.

And wet faced, I dozed off for a couple of minutes.  When I woke up, I took a deep breath, and said, OK.
I got up, put my sneakers on, got my coat, Roy's leash,  and me and my pain, and Roy, went for a walk.


There is a reason I love pit bulls.  Sometimes I have the same mentality.

Three miles, and a whole lot of fresh air later, I felt a smidge better.
A smidge is good.

Negative on the recipe for Greek Honey know the deal.....if I told ya, I'd have to kill ya.
And I am not a violent person.
love you all though......and all your encouragement, and suggestions, and concern.......not sure what this would be like without you.


JC said...

I am so sorry.
I wish for answers for you.
I hope they can come up with something to help you.

Deb said...

I was washing dinner pots and feeling so frustrated about my cat issues and then I came to the office and saw your post. Here I am feeling down when I have no right to. I am really wishing for these headaches of yours to vanish...kaput. When you talk about them I can absolutely feel your pain and it makes me want to cry, too. I hope something can be done NOW. Like I've said before, you are such a strong woman and I so admire you. A prayer will be said for you tonight, Hilary. Hugs,Deb

Anonymous said...

I wish I were closer so I could give you a hug and just let you pour out all of the pain and frustration.

Thistle Cove Farm said...

Sometimes the world is a lot frostier than I have warmth within me. Even so, you're tucked into prayer and I choose to have faith and believe.

Cait Throop said...

I wish I were closer, too. I could weave with Lois for you so you could snuggle with Roy and not worry so much about doing...

Denise at Autumn Sky said...

Some days it really feels like so much and then it's good to cry.

Lili said...

You are in my thoughts Hilary. I wish I could send you a piece of Maine (or Blue Hill) that would make your headaches just melt away. But sending my very best wishes to you for a resolution to all that pain. Take care dear. ~Lili

claudia w said...

Prayers for you sweet Hilary.
And (((HUGS))). Hugs are good too.

Anonymous said...

I really enjoy your blog. You have the knack to say what I am feeling. Thank you for that.

I don not understand not sharing recipes. Why tell us how wonderful cookies are but you don't want us to know how to make them? I remember 25 years ago a friend wouldn't share a recipe. Still don't understand why.
Kinda like grade school.
Just saying.

Cupcake Murphy said...

I wish I could sit down at a table with you in a cozy room right now and talk about everything under the sun.

A Brit in Tennessee said...

{Hugs} sweet friend.
"Keep calm and carry on"
I wouldn't make the cookies, they couldn't possibly be as good as yours :)

Anonymous said...

So so sorry you are having such pain. A good cry followed by a long walk can be healing. Hope the doc helps you find a solution soon!

Sending lots cyber hugs your way!


Frank's Corner said...

I keep coming up with the same thought...Try some craniosacral therapy. You must have someone in your neck of the woods that does that work. I would also think a visit to an osteopath would be good. This problem needs to be solved. I am keeping you in my prayers and think of you often. You are such a special light in the world, Hilary. I am praying for you to be well and pain free! Candace

Karen said...

They are always anonymous when they leave that kind of remark, aren't they. *sigh* If you've got someting negative you just really have to get out, then man up and own it. Just sayin.

Anyway... I have finally learned to let myself just sit with those sad emotions when they come on strong, instead of trying to supress them. That might just be 15 minutes of sitting at the bottom of the shower drying my eyes out for all the wounded souls, animal and human, and including my own sometimes... that I can't help. It releases something inside so that it doesn't completely eat me up.

The dogs and the walking.... best therapy out there if you ask me.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear you are having these awful headaches. Hope you are feeling better today. Having tasted your wonderful honey cookies, I know why it is a secret. If everyone made them they wouldn't be special, and they are special for sure!! Admire you for keeping your friends secret recipe!! Thats why she trusted you with it!
Deb S.\ Cobleskill

Delighted Hands said...

So sorry you are hurting........

Daryl said...

I am sending you gentle but firm enfolding hugs ... I've been there, done that and am here to say its going to get better .. xo

Anonymous said...

Asking about the cookie recipe is an honest question. Sorry, I thought this was about honesty and sharing. If someone asks a question, is it always negative?

I also wish you the best. I cannot imagine having a headache for so long.

If you don't want to share the recipe, that is your right. We all have different ideas about secrets.

No more questions from me. Must be taboo.

P.S. I am anonymous because I can't figure out how to post my name. Still working on it though.

Hilary said...

I so hate this for you. But a good cry can be therapeutic too. You're entitled to feel teary once in a while but you probably are the pit bulliest person I know. ;)

Your cookies are absolutely heavenly. If that's how you bake with a blinding headache, I can only imagine what you can create when feeling well.

I totally get the not sharing of a recipe. I don't have anything that I hold that dear food-wise, but you are a true artist and it's completely reasonable for an artist to not give away the secrets of how their signature pieces are created.

Now commenting anonymously and being deliberately obtuse.. that I don't get. All ya has ta do is type your name like the other two who are not "signed in" did. But that might be more revealing than sharing a recipe... said...

What I didn't get is what does URL mean.
Anonymously = M. Agenten
Is that better?

MarthaVA said...

Cyber (((HUGS)))

linda said...

Grrrrr.....bite down and hang on, Hilary.

Do you have access to acupuncture or acupressure? I so wish that this PITA headache would just go away and that you felt great. We'll all be doing a little blog dance when you can say that!

Anonymous said...

Hi - I have never commented before, but really wanted you to know that we are all holding you tight and will all do the "happy dance" when this damn headache gets it's comeuppance and sent on it's way. Anj

Anonymous said...

Hello -- Hilary, I bought one of your potholder kits and have been making them up. Checked out your website and somehow found your blog. To read about your pain and suffering is awful. I do not have the answer, I can only point you to the One who has the answer. His name is Jesus -- I will pray to Him today about you.

Hilary said...

My apologies, M. Agenten. I jumped to an erroneous conclusion about you. The nicer Hilary has explained.

passes the peace pipe

Joanna said...

Intractable, never-ending pain seems to steal your whole life away and when you have to deal with it for months, it seems to rob you of the ability to deal with all the other events of life. Sometimes you wonder if 'normal' will ever come back or whether that too will be gone even when the pain is relieved. That can be a really hard moment. Trust me, a way through will come. said...

Thank you Hilary. Mahalo nui loa. You too are one of the nice Hilary's.
M. Agenten

Country Girl said...

Yet this is why I come, even though it's difficult to see you suffering. I just don't want you to do it alone.

Welcome to my world.

Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts