Company is gone. Pool is closed.
Day is done.
Dear Lord in Heaven.
That is what I was saying to myself this afternoon, after I met my daughter halfway, to drop off my grandkids.
Quiet. Why is it that you don't appreciate it, until you don't have it?
Anyway, I did my grandmotherly duty this week, and now I am ready for a rest....not a rest from doing anything, just a rest from being responsible for other little human beings.
You know I love them. Incredibly. I am their Mimi, and I treasure it.
But some days I just feel like I've been there, done that.
I actually did it for longer than most people. I was 21 when I had my first daughter, and 27 when I had my second daughter, and 34 when I had my third daughter. So from the time of that first amazing event, to the time my third daughter walked out the door to go to college was 31 years.
And no, I didn't plan it that way. That's just the way it happened.
Kids at home, for 31 years.
No wonder I am tired.
This is an incredible time for me. I don't have to go to work. I can't believe that. I started work the day after I graduated from high school. No late night parties for me, I had to be at the hospital at 7am, for my first day as a nurse's aide. Then college, then work, then more college.
As a nurse, I worked shift work. I hated nights, and did as little of them as humanly possible. I worked mostly evenings, and days.
Now I don't have to get up early. I don't have to come out at midnight to a cold car and a dark ride home.
I am a free agent.
Of course, I still get up at the crack of dawn. But it is different now. I get up because I like to. I want a hot cuppa tea, a sunny window to sit in while I read my email.
And because I have things to do, and I want to do them.
What a concept, eh?
And I can choose, to be busy, or slow down.
When I bought the house that is now my studio, 5 years ago, I was determined to build up my weaving business so that it could be my "retirement gig". I knew I would never really "retire", so to speak. I couldn't envision myself watching TV, or shopping, or otherwise amusing myself with things like that. I knew I wanted to weave rugs.
So since then, I have been weaning myself off nursing, and trying to let Crazy as a Loom evolve, and find its own space in the universe. I haven't allowed myself much other diversion. I was focused.
But this year was the year that it was all supposed to come together. And it has .........I quit nursing, and Crazy as a Loom HAS risen to its comfort level. It has found its' niche. I like what it has grown into, and I love what I am doing.
But balance has always been the demon for me. So this year, I promised myself that I would do some other things that had been on my mind.
So I did.
I built the labyrinth, planted the garden around it, worked on clearing the back pasture and the rest of the property. Creating a heaven/haven of sorts that I have always wanted. Weaving stuff just for fun, like dish towels. Riding my "bicula". Kayaking on the Hudson.
I have not conquered the balance issue. No. I wouldn't say that. But I am doing so much better.
Sometimes I feel like I am coming full circle. I remember being a gangly, freckled kid lying in the tall grass, watching the clouds go by, riding my horse in the woods and all over town, reading and reading and reading. I remember how centered she felt, before life intervened.
I think I am going back there.