Friday, August 7, 2009

Very interesting.

Company is gone. Pool is closed.
Day is done.

Dear Lord in Heaven.
That is what I was saying to myself this afternoon, after I met my daughter halfway, to drop off my grandkids.
Quiet. Why is it that you don't appreciate it, until you don't have it?

Anyway, I did my grandmotherly duty this week, and now I am ready for a rest....not a rest from doing anything, just a rest from being responsible for other little human beings.
You know I love them. Incredibly. I am their Mimi, and I treasure it.
But some days I just feel like I've been there, done that.

I actually did it for longer than most people. I was 21 when I had my first daughter, and 27 when I had my second daughter, and 34 when I had my third daughter. So from the time of that first amazing event, to the time my third daughter walked out the door to go to college was 31 years.
And no, I didn't plan it that way. That's just the way it happened.
Kids at home, for 31 years.
No wonder I am tired.

This is an incredible time for me. I don't have to go to work. I can't believe that. I started work the day after I graduated from high school. No late night parties for me, I had to be at the hospital at 7am, for my first day as a nurse's aide. Then college, then work, then more college.
As a nurse, I worked shift work. I hated nights, and did as little of them as humanly possible. I worked mostly evenings, and days.
Now I don't have to get up early. I don't have to come out at midnight to a cold car and a dark ride home.
I am a free agent.
Of course, I still get up at the crack of dawn. But it is different now. I get up because I like to. I want a hot cuppa tea, a sunny window to sit in while I read my email.
And because I have things to do, and I want to do them.
What a concept, eh?
And I can choose, to be busy, or slow down.
When I bought the house that is now my studio, 5 years ago, I was determined to build up my weaving business so that it could be my "retirement gig". I knew I would never really "retire", so to speak. I couldn't envision myself watching TV, or shopping, or otherwise amusing myself with things like that. I knew I wanted to weave rugs.
So since then, I have been weaning myself off nursing, and trying to let Crazy as a Loom evolve, and find its own space in the universe. I haven't allowed myself much other diversion. I was focused.
But this year was the year that it was all supposed to come together. And it has .........I quit nursing, and Crazy as a Loom HAS risen to its comfort level. It has found its' niche. I like what it has grown into, and I love what I am doing.
But balance has always been the demon for me. So this year, I promised myself that I would do some other things that had been on my mind.
So I did.
I built the labyrinth, planted the garden around it, worked on clearing the back pasture and the rest of the property. Creating a heaven/haven of sorts that I have always wanted. Weaving stuff just for fun, like dish towels. Riding my "bicula". Kayaking on the Hudson.
I have not conquered the balance issue. No. I wouldn't say that. But I am doing so much better.
Sometimes I feel like I am coming full circle. I remember being a gangly, freckled kid lying in the tall grass, watching the clouds go by, riding my horse in the woods and all over town, reading and reading and reading. I remember how centered she felt, before life intervened.
I think I am going back there.
Interesting stuff.


Anonymous said...

You know... our grandkids were here for 2 days and I could barely stand the level of noise. I wonder why we get so sensitive to noise as we age. Is it that we become so used to the quiet around us? Anyway, I completely understand... :-))

The Blue Ridge Gal

Gail said...

A wonderful place to be, we deserve it, it is our time to howl and do things we want to do, not what we must.

Sharon said...

Hmm, interesting that I should chose to read your blog tonight. I'm behind, so am doing random readings. I find that checking in with my blog friends to be relaxing and comforting - I just have never developed the TV routine.

I'm not finding where that me/relaxed point in retirement after working all my life is either. You post really speaks to me today.

I spent the day with my DIL - she's teaching me to scrapbook. I am now trying to digest her tearful feelings about how I love my daughter's children most. They have all been friends since high school.

Years ago I felt like I was competing with her parents as "the" grandparents and just gave us and threw in the towel. I told her I can't change the past - can we build forward from here and she said yes. We scrapbook again next Friday. Gotta learn to love scrapbooking - my DIL is a keeper.

Delighted Hands said...

I, too, love retirement and its relaxed pace and QUIETness (most of the time-my husband is a talker!) Glad you have come full circle in knowing yourself again.

Susan Harvey said...

I literally raised my brother and two sisters for years ( I was much older than them) and then went onto becoming a mum at age 20 ( waaayy too young!) and then a second child at age 23.

I now value my peace and quiet tremendously. I'm on the west coast of Canada and my daughter lives in NC so even when G-kids come, they live too far away.

Now I spend my time in my at home studio and weave almost daily. Great isn't it?
Nice blog and I'll be back...


Theresa said...

I love my peace and quiet and being able to chose what pace I live my life on any given day. I can also say that horses still have a magic about them to center you. I too had horses growing up and now later in life, have them again. It's a special kind of place they take you too. :-)

Life Looms Large said...

It is so surprising to me that without work taking up so much of my time, I still struggle with balance too. I try to see the positive side of that - that I have many interests and passions and that I have trouble making enough time to pursue all that I want to pursue.

Sometimes I wish I could be more at peace with that - but sometimes that tug of competing interests feels like an important part of life.

That pool looks pretty darn peaceful and inviting from where I sit!!


Nancy said...

Wow, lots of good stuff here. I feel the same way about being a grandmother. Love it, wouldn't trade it, but can see why young women are the ones that are supposed to have the babies. LOL!

I love that you have this new business, and I am still looking for what I want to do in the next few years. Exploring. Writing is what interests me the most, I think. People have always been an interest. Mostly because the world had very interesting people like you in it!

Sharon said...

I cannot believe that I am this far behind in reading posts. I really identify with your sentiments, though my "now" is different than yours. I'm trying to sort time into mine and into shared time.

Today was the second Friday I spend with my DIL in scrapbooking. We have a tenuous relationship and reaching towards the middle, we have chosen her ten-year love of this medium.

Welcome to my world.

Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts