Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The truth.

It seems to me, this morning, over my cuppa tea, that having been found out, HH is going to go out with a roar.  It is unrelenting, and brutal.  I can barely get out of my own way.
On one hand, it seems unfair, that I can't do some of the things I want, while I wait for the knife.  On the other hand, perhaps it is perfect. If it continues like this, by the time the surgery date arrives, I will be sharpening the knife for them.

Anticipation can be wonderful, or it can be awful.
I could sit around and feel bad, and mull over in my head the darkest aspects of what's in front of me.....the pain, the dependence on other people, the fear of something really bad happening, the possibility of  going through it, and STILL having the headache, being away from home in a strange place.
Or I can dream, about a day without this pain. No headache.  I can imagine what I will do, and how marvelous it will feel to do it without a headache. I can think about restructuring my life, redesigning it to be what I want it to be.
Not so much work.  Not so much stress.  More days off, more leisure.   Is that a word...........leisure?
Wow, I just realized.
It is.
And I have not in any way explored that word enough.
I said yesterday that this was not a mistake.  And I believe that.
What else, but an unrelenting headache, and brain surgery, would stop my workaholic self from working and running right to the end?
Trust me, not much else would have/could have intervened.

 I always look for the everything.  And I have had a lot of them in my life.
I have not been perfect.  I have made some huge errors in judgement.  Mostly they were about me.......I was the one who got hurt.  But I have always tried to be kind, and good in the deepest sense of the word.
I have always tried to be honest.  Sometimes, brutally so.  Just ask my friends and family.
Still  I have taken wrong turns, backtracked, taken them again, fallen down, got up and brushed myself off.  It took me a long time to get some things straight.

And through it all, I worked.  Always.  I was undeterred, and pig headed. And I was good at it.

When I was 7 months pregnant for my second child, I was wrapping rolls of paper as big as a VW bug, strapping them up with a huge, intimidating machine.  Even then, I couldn't stop.

I have never been one to admit to weakness, or idleness.  It's a Mort Cooper gene.   I know that.  But it has always been such a part of who I am, that I have never seriously questioned it.
My friends would tell me.  You work too much.  And I agreed, and then went back to work.
And when I left the paper mill, and closed my furniture stripping business, and became an RN, working became even more 'personal satisfaction', and I dug my heels in to work two jobs for 20+ years.

Then I retired.
What a joke.

Mostly I retired because I began to hate what I was doing.  And I hated the NYS Department of Corrections.  And someone I loved died, and I was afraid.  So I retired from the state, and promptly went out and got another job........then two jobs.  Crazy as a Loom was mostly still in its part time capacity, and I didn't ditch nursing until the studio became a full time gig.
And now CAAL is all consuming, keeping L AND I  busy all the time.

So much for retirement.

So, yup, there is a lesson here.  HH came with a lesson, a message, and a HUGE turn in the road.
It's kind of like the labyrinth.

"Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path... exactly where you are meant to be right now... And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love."
Caroline Adams

We are all on the path... exactly where we need to be. The labyrinth is a model of that path.
A labyrinth is an ancient symbol that relates to wholeness. It combines the imagery of the circle and the spiral into a meandering but purposeful path. The Labyrinth represents a journey to our own center and back again out into the world. Labyrinths have long been used as meditation and prayer tools.
A labyrinth is an archetype with which we can have a direct experience. We can walk it. It is a metaphor for life's journey. It is a symbol that creates a sacred space and place and takes us out of our ego to "That Which Is Within."
Labyrinths and mazes have often been confused. When most people hear of a labyrinth they think of a maze. A labyrinth is not a maze. A maze is like a puzzle to be solved. It has twists, turns, and blind alleys. It is a left brain task that requires logical, sequential, analytical activity to find the correct path into the maze and out.
A labyrinth has only one path. It is unicursal. The way in is the way out. There are no blind alleys. The path leads you on a circuitous path to the center and out again.
A labyrinth is a right brain task. It involves intuition, creativity, and imagery. With a maze many choices must be made and an active mind is needed to solve the problem of finding the center. With a labyrinth there is only one choice to be made. The choice is to enter or not. A more passive, receptive mindset is needed. The choice is whether or not to walk a spiritual path.
At its most basic level the labyrinth is a metaphor for the journey to the center of your deepest self and back out into the world with a broadened understanding of who you are.

So I guess the only decision I have is the one to move forward, to enter the path that is mine.


DJan said...

When is your surgery scheduled? From what I can see here, it can't come soon enough. Oh, I am truly hoping with all my heart that you will wake from having gone under the knife and realize that the pain is gone. Or less, much less.

BTW, I looked at the camera you use, it looks to be a very good one in a reasonable price range. I'll take a look at it in the store. Thanks for the info.

Anonymous said...

Hilary, I am so sorry for your suffering from HH. I know facing surgery, brain surgery no less, is not pleasant. We women who read your blog are a sisterhood who stand beside you and hold your hand. We will be with you all the way, believing, upholding you for a successful surgery and a wonderful new life ahead, HH free. Please let us know when the surgery is and please get your daughters to update the blog on how you're doing. I want to thank you for your honesty on your blog, for being unafraid to share your thoughts and yourself. We learn and are inspired because of who you are. Finally, here are two quotes from Mary Oliver (poet) to carry you through the surgery and into a new life. "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" And, " . . . the long work of turning our lives into a celebration is not easy." Becky

Loomatic said...

Hilary, You will be in my thoughts. I really hope you will get rid of the headache, I can't imagine the ache lasting so long.

I wish you a speedy healing process and fantastic fall breezes to enjoy on the porch while you recuperate.

Christa said...

"Love your fate as it is God's way with your soul".

Daryl said...

Kismet. I was reading some proverbs in search of a catchy title for a blog photo when I stumbled onto this

"The journey of a thousand miles begins beneath one's feet."

its a re-thinking of the translation of the Chinese 'a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step'

I believe both of these apply to you .. tho I think the first is more apropos ...

stay strong, stay on the path and keep walking .. away from the pain


Acorn to Oak said...

Beautifully written. You amaze me at how you can be so productive in your studio and continue to blog through your intense pain. I hope your surgery is soon and successful so you can move forward painlessly in your journey. P.S. What a nice labyrinth. There is a public labyrinth about 40 minutes from my home and I walk it as often as I can. It's amazing what it can do for mind and soul. Best wishes to you.

Connie in Hartwood said...

I've been away for a few days, and I missed diagnosis when you wrote about it. Putting a name to the problem is strangely comforting (though terrifying at the same time.)

What you have written here today is the total embodyment of spiritual. Wow!! I have read it twice, and I find more profound thoughts and uplifting feelings each time.

As always, you and your family are in my prayers.

sandy said...

You will be in my thoughts and prayers....peace.

Rita said...

I also believe that everything happens for a reason and, no matter what, there are lessons to be learned. I never wanted to ask for help and just kept rushing and doing...until my body literally took over and stopped me--LOL! It was a shock! Leisure. The pace of a snail on a slow day.

There are positive things about being inactive. Your headache will be gone soon (you're in my prayers) and you'll be able to go back to whatever you want to do. Now is the time to think about what that will be. Leisure. Labyrinth. Must be here for a reason. Much love!! :):)

lcampana said...

Wow! Now that you know the cause of the HH that's half the battle. When is your surgery - soon I hope. I'll be praying for your quick recovery.

Your posts are really deep and give us all a lot of food for thought. I'm a workaholic too and really need to rethink that.

God bless and keep us posted!

Lots of love, Lesley

Country Girl said...

"What lies behind us and what lies before us, is nothing compared to what lies within us."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


Frank's Corner said...

Hilary, You are a very dear person. Your sharing, your willingness to be vulnerable here in your writing, and your integrity are such a gift to all who encounter you. Thank you. I hope for you to have a successful surgery, an easy recovery and a long stretch of beautiful, calm, leisurely days ahead. I envision you and Roy walking on a beach in Maine this time next year! Wishing you all of the best and keeping you in my prayers...all will be well. Candace

Frank's Corner said...

Hilary, You are a very dear person. Your sharing, your willingness to be vulnerable here in your writing, and your integrity are such a gift to all who encounter you. Thank you. I hope for you to have a successful surgery, an easy recovery and a long stretch of beautiful, calm, leisurely days ahead. I envision you and Roy walking on a beach in Maine this time next year! Wishing you all of the best and keeping you in my prayers...all will be well. Candace

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