Crazy as a Loom

Thursday, August 8, 2013


Yesterday and today were tough.   My head has been fairly vibrating.
Is it the weather?  More scar tissue?  Stress? 
I have no clue.
I do know that Alleve, Motrin, and even a Hydrocodone in desperation do not  touch it.

I stayed home all morning, made some blueberry muffins, and just puttered around trying to take my mind off it.  Then I managed to get to the studio where I tried out some new black 8/2 that I just got in the mail from the Georgia Yarn Company  Check out the web site,  if you like what you see, and you order, tell Michael that I sent you.

I personally think my headache could be some kind of occipital neuralgia, caused by the trauma of the surgery.
No, I have not called my doctor yet.
1.  He will say to give it some more time.
2.  He will order an MRI, and he might as well tell me to go sit in a car bomb in Beirut.
3.  I don't know that I want to hear any bad news right now, about anything.

I am straddling a fence, and it is very, very uncomfortable, about as uncomfortable as you might imagine a fence would be in delicate places.

A few hospital admissions ago, my mother expressed her concern that she needed 24/7 care, after she almost fell three times, and I caught her all three, she said that she thought it was time to go to the "Stanton".  That's the nursing home where she went after her hip replacement seven years ago.  It is within walking distance of my house.
So we applied.  And jumped through all the hoops that they make you jump through.  And we got on the waiting list.
And she changed her mind.
For days she barely spoke to me.
Then she cried.
Then she inferred that I was a lousy daughter, not so much in words, but what mother can't tell her daughter VOLUMES without saying one thing.
Ah, yes.
She is speaking to me again, but we avoid that subject.
She is waiting for IT to happen.
I am just trying to get through one day at a time.

 On the one hand, I want to take care of her while she is here.  I want to be the best daughter.  I want her to know that I love her so, so much.  I want to make whatever sacrifice I have to make, to do what SHE thinks is the right thing.  I want to make her last weeks/months, whatever she has, comfortable.

On the other hand, I want to be free of the responsibility that hovers over me around the clock.
I don't want to be a nurse anymore, especially in my own home.
I want to be able to spend quality time with her, while someone else does the nursing care and keeps track of her bowel movements and her medications, and her mental status.
I just want her to be my mother.
I don't want to be hers.
Ah, the emotional turmoil.
The guilt.
The pain.
No wonder my head aches.

And no, the pictures do not have anything to do with the text. 
They are just what I love, balancing out what I don't.
It's just life.
Between the headache and the fence, a rock and a hard place, there is still joy.


joyceetta said...

I hope you have been able to tell her what you have said here....about wanting to be a daughter. If you haven't, perhaps it would make a difference if you did. At least it might be worth a try.

claudia said...

I understand the parenting a parent part. I'm doing that with my Dad. I feel bad and guilty some days, resentful others, and then down right joyful to be here. But yes it would be so much better to be a daughter to him than a mother. I can't sent him out just yet. We are looking for a home health person for a few hours a day to se how the goes. He will hate it.
I am so sorry to hear that that damned headache is still hanging around. Be gone with you damned headache!

Stickhorsecowgirls said...

I hear you about wanting to be the daughter--not her mother! My sister is a nurse too, but she no longer works with patients, but is a program manager for the VA. Our mom is in a dementia unit/assisted living center near my sister's home, so she is able to visit often. Occasionally they will call my sister if mom is having a difficult time, but for the most part she is really content there. In fact, although she has lost the ability for meaningful language, she participates in social activities and my sister is able to visit as a daughter instead of caretaker. It is so sad to see our parents age and deteriorate--I'm realizing my dad was the lucky one to die of a heart attack at 69.
Remember to take care of yourself too - my sister and I both joined Memory People on Facebook and it is so common to read of people so exhausted by caretaking, that their own health is breaking down. I know it is not an easy job for anyone, including those who work at nursing homes, but it is not 24/7 caretaking with no time to recuperate. For our family, it has been a blessing. I know I do not want my daughters to wear themselves out taking care of me, so I've told them if I get Alz. to not feel guilty if I need assisted living. My sister just bought her long term insurance--guess it's time for me to look into it to.
Remember you are a patient too in a sense - take care of yourself or you can't help anyone else. Hope and pray that headache leaves for good!

Karen said...

Hilary what you said here in this post speaks volumes, its your answer regarding your mother and you need to tell her this. The wanting to be a daughter and spend quality time with her. She needs to go to the Stanton where they will monitor her round the clock and you can visit with a quality that won't be there if you are her constant caregiver. You need to do this for YOU, and she will come to enjoy your quality time together and the comfort that comes with medical staff watching her everything always. Peace of Mind for both of you, a win win. She will get over the "idea" of it all when she sees how well it's working for both of you. Just do it.

The headache might have something to do with the STRESS that is crunching up all your muscles. Probably exasperating the head issues tremendously. You know the saying.. caring the weight of the world on your shoulders? Yeah.. all those muscles.. that yank down on the head.

If you have two of those gorgeous towels to sell in a faded red or a beige pattern, I'm buying. Let me know. LOVE that pattern.

Anonymous said...

Hilary you are doing an outstanding job as a daughter and a care giver but it is causing you too much stress and the stress is coming out as headaches. Try to take a few more walks I know Roy will be happy to accompany you. Remember to breathe and relax. Watch Syd for clues on how to do this, she is a pro. You are an outstanding daughter and your Mother is very proud of you.

By the way, when you are out on your walk and return to your studio your new AVL might I am saying MIGHT be missing....please don't come looking for it in my studio! Love the new towels, very very pretty.

Be well my friend and follow the lead of your dear pets they can show you the way.

Anonymous said...

I think the previous commenters have said it all and said it well, so I'm just sending you a warm hug to help get you through this day. xox

thotlady said...

It's tough, I am sorry.

Carol from MN said...

hilary? you are a blessing to us all.

the wild magnolia said...

You said it well and honestly. Do what you feel and personally I think it will be well. I feel sure you are a wonderful daughter.

As for the headache, doggone it anyway. Enough!

Do what is right for you.

Deb said...

You really do have to do what is right for you and your family. I think your mom is just afraid right now at the thought of leaving your home but it doesn't take long at all that they get comfortable and make friends. My mother in law has been in care where she has her own room (large enough to hold her china cabinet along with her bed, tables and chairs. It also has a nice bathroom. In no time flat she was content and enjoyed all the visitors. Damn, I wish that headache would take a hike. Thinking of you, Hilary. Deb

Joy said...

Sounds to me like you NEED a massage!! De-stress time!!

Cait Throop said...

Too much stress! Too much. I agree with Karen, it is time for your Mom to go to the Stanton. Even if she is mad. It is in your both best interests. Stress, stress, stress. You are still a wonderful daughter even when she is angry with you!!!! Hugs.

ain't for city gals said...

This is going to sound like tough love but here goes...You are a good daughter...quit telling yourself you are not. No matter how much you do it is not going to be enough. If you are not careful your mother is going to out live you...

Hilary said...

I think you go above and beyond what so many would do.. particularly given your own personal health/comfort challenges.

My best friend is going through something similar with her mother except she is in a nursing home and not getting the level of care and attention she needs. My friend is run ragged trying to be her advocate. He siblings all live at least 100 miles away and her own adult kids bordering on apathetic. She has too much on her shoulders. And so do you. Call in the forces... your daughters need to help you lighten the load regularly. I know they're a great support to you when you need them. You need them now

Big hug to you my dear namesake and friend.

Nancy said...

You explained your conflicting feelings very well. We all go through that.

1horsetown said...

Now that the change is close it's scary. Concept and reality differ.

Most settle in and are fine.

This is a hard part.

Welcome to my world.

Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts