I got the news last Friday, but to be honest, I wasn't much in the mood to talk about it.
I have been trying to "act as if"..........like as if I didn't hear that.
My neurosurgeon was surprised, and not happy, at what he saw. Once again, the bone is growing where it shouldn't be, between the two rods in my cervical spine, pressing on my brain, making my face feel like it met up with a baseball bat when I wasn't looking.
I had about 24 hours of spontaneous tears, just dripping off my face throughout the day.
I have had a couple of sleepless nights since. I have been angry, sad, incredibly disappointed. Even a little worried. But in the end, all the fears, anxieties, resentments, and insecurities have to lay down their ugly selves, so that you can keep living your life.
My headache has ramped up, like "oh well, now she knows what is going on, no sense putting any shade on this". But I can't lie on the couch with a warm, wet wash cloth on my forehead.
That's just not going to cut it for me.
I find that if I just keep keeping on, doing as much of what I normally do as possible, I don't think about it as much.
I took my grandgirls to the county fair.
They wanted to bring a baby pig home.
We held baby chicks.
We looked at cow butts.
They rode the swings, giving me the head rush. There they go............
When I was all alone, I sat at the end of the day with a Corona, and beautiful, golden light.
I wove with L on a freaking HUGE SOCK RUG.
I ate greens out of the little garden that COULD.
I found incredible pleasure in sharing my friend Michelle's woven shawl, that she just finished.
It was extra special since I taught her to weave, and she has become a talented weaver all on her own.
Heart be still.
I even helped her pick out some threads for it. It really, really turned out well. Honestly, it's just STUNNING.
I spent time with friends, and reveled in the knowledge that I have sent many new weavers off on new adventures with their looms.
Here is another past student, Sue, talking about her accomplishments and sharing pictures.
I am happy that they feel so comfortable coming back to the studio.
They've become good friends.
In fact, weaving has made me a lot of friends.
So yes, I am unhappy about the MRI results, and what they mean. I don't look forward to another surgery. And it's a little nerve wracking, waiting for the doctor to research and find ways to stop the bone from growing, once he removes it AGAIN.
But on the other hand, I ain't done yet. Nope.
And I don't want to waste any of my precious time on earth, worrying about what will happen next.
When I get there, I'll do the best I can.
Until then, well, there's life to be lived. It's a no brainer.
i am sorry for the news you did not want, but i'm glad you took a few days to deal with all the emotions and pain that went with it. you are very strong.
My heart aches for you, and i truly hope this is the last surgery you will ever face.
Your life is so full of incredible people. Although it will be uncomfortable to go through again I'm glad to hear that your doctor is working on a way to hopefully stop this bone from it's continued growth... he sounds like a good man, the right doctor to be in the hands of. As always, thinking of you my dear. xox
Like I said, you're the strongest woman I've (n)ever met (but will). You'll get through this. You have way too much going on to keep you down for too long. Hugs and love. Th'other Hilary.
Oh my gosh, I'm sure you are feeling so frustrated that the headache is continuing on and on. There are a lot of great medical minds out there so have faith that they will figure this out.....soon!
By the way, I love my towel and will probably never use it because it's too soft and pretty :-) And I was looking at the shawls on your site. I might want one!
I'm sorry Hilary.
You are so strong, and such an inspiration to me.
I am sending lots and lots of hugs to you, and hopes that this will be straightened out to your satisfaction.
I am so impressed with your no nonsense attitude! EVEN with all this S..., you still live a full life of hobbies, business, friends and family.
You really inspire me to just live each day more! I'm sorry you have to face another surgery, perhaps the 3rd time is the charm?
Hilary,... I'm so sorry to read of your problem, that it was not resolved as hoped. Praying for you and your doctor(s) to find a solution, and bring you back to good health.
I remember when you were buying the old house, and transforming it into a studio. What you have accomplished is incredible! Your new towels are wonderful!!!
Take good care of yourself, you have a wonderfully supportive family, and we're all sending you positive thoughts.
when my fabulous energetic multitasking and multitalented mom was sick and tired of being sick and tired she'd growl, "I don't have TIME for this nonsense." You don't seem to have the time to be down for a minute either.
I am sorry that the answer wasn't the one you wanted and hoped for. Hoping your doc comes up with good final answers in his research, and you can heal once and for all!
I'm so sorry. Read your blog daily, just thinking of you.
Hilary, I think it's probably time to put a halt to these stop-gap surgeries and just go ahead and have your whole head removed ... just kidding (but you knew that already) Based on this latest MRI, you would most certainly grow a new head in no time. hugs to you.
The only thing I can say is I am so very sorry, which doesn't help a dag gone bit. It only shows that we that read your blog and have shared in your life care about you.
God be with you.
You are my hero.
As always sending you the very best healing thoughts. Read a quote this AM, you probably read it, too:
Gratefulness.org (A Network for Grateful Living)
WORD FOR THE DAY
Wednesday, Aug. 28
Darkness deserves gratitude. It is the alleluia point at which we learn to understand that all growth does not take place in the sunlight.
You're my hero too. xo
Oh dear Hilary I just don't know what to say about this mess. I am sorry for the regrowth and for your pain. Please know that we all are in your corner and wish only the best for you. I send lots of healing thoughts your way. Stand Tall and Carry On.
hugs .. and fie on that nasty persistent bone .. be gone!
Well I am teary eyed with grief for all you are being asked to go through. I am so glad you took your time leaning in and feeling it all- so you can let it go and move ahead. I'm breathless with how well you've learned how to do this as much as I pray you wouldn't have to. The weaving you are doing just floors me Hilary- its beyond words. That Shawl!! That Shawl! My heart is leaping over the warmth and love coming through that shawl and I can envision myself feeling that way wrapped in one. Sending love and prayers for overflowing strength in the days and weeks ahead!
bless you Hilary..... hang in there!
Woah. Big news:( But I must ask, what is that sock rug on and how wide is it???
Kind of makes you say many bad words all at the same time. Love your attitude and because of that and your strength, your family, L and many great friends, this too will pass, hopefully sooner than later. I will still keep praying.
Hang in there. Strength girl.
Crappy news! But, you're right, life goes on...and so does the fair. Looks like a great time. Your student does beautiful work. The garden is producing. And hopefully your doctor will discover a way to deter the bone from re-growing next time.
love and hugs!
I'm SO SORRY for you! No one deserves this. :-(
Let's trust that this time the Dr. will find a way to prevent it from happening again.
All good wishes to you.
OMG no wonder your head still hurts! I'm sorry. Facing yet another surgery is very daunting. Keeping you in my thoughts, Hilary!
Post a Comment