Crazy as a Loom

Friday, September 28, 2012

From here.

We have been on vacay, DH and I.
In our own home.  With Roy.
Cause my mother has gone to my daughter's house, and she's been gone ALL WEEK.
Can I just say WOW?

I love my mother.  You know that.  But living with an aging parent is not easy, and it is not always
And it is evident to everyone, that there is a different dynamic with me, than she has with anyone else.
Somewhere along the way, we switched roles, at least in her mind.  And I am the mother.
At my daughter's house, she has kids to interact with, and I think it is good for her.  She gets to be "Nan".
For us, the quiet is like a soft rain.  There is no TV blaring from her room.  No drama.  No demands.
It is a gift, from my daughter, to me.
When I first came home from my brain surgery, my mother stepped it up.  She kind of hovered over me, making me lunch, bringing me tea, doing things for me that I could not do.
She seemed, well, like MY MOTHER.
But it was short lived.  As I got better, she slid back into her neediness and her comfortable dependent role.  The more I began to feel like myself, the less like my mother she became.

I have told my children that I will never live with them, and I hope that I can keep that promise, because I know how hard it is.
When you have raised your children, and given 30 years of your life to the work force, then it should be time for serenity, which doesn't always happen when you live with a parent.
We thought, eight years ago, that we were doing the right thing, having her live with us.
Now I know, it would have been smarter, to get her an apartment nearby, damn the cost.  It would have been better for us, and it would have encouraged her to hang on to her independence.
Instead, she waits for us: to go to the store, to make dinner, to do a thousand little things for her, that she could probably do for herself.
This was not the best choice.
But here it is, and now we make the best of it.
Which I hope includes more mini vacays like this one.  I think a few days away here and there, are good for her, and us.  She will be glad to be home, and it will be nice to have her home.

Ah, the perspective from vacation. I love it.


A Brit in Tennessee said...

I understand, I have told my daughter should I ever be left by myself, that's OK.
They have their lives, and I need a little independence to keep me motivated, and strong.
Enjoy your "me" time, you are so deserving...
~Continued strength for your recovery, dear one.

Anonymous said...

I never want to live with my daughter or step-daughter. Never! Just leave me to stumble around my own house and I'll be fine.. Seriously....

Anonymous said...

You are getting stronger with each passing day! Wonderful of your daughter to take over the care giver role with your Mother. You deserve a break and I am so happy to hear that you are enjoying one.

Sus said...

What a good daughter. Which one was it? Hopefully the others will take their turns. I have one sister and four brothers and guess who gets to do it all? One brother lives next door and the only time he sees mom is when I take her to his place of employment so he can say hi through the car window. Do you have any siblings?

Country Girl said...

Bless your daughter. People will step into their roles when we let them. It's good to hear the strength and hope in your voice.

Lydia La La said...

So glad you are having a break. I didn't realise that your mother was with you while you are trying to recover. Have you thought that it may be time for her to live in an assisted living complex?
She would have people her own age to talk about old times and from my own experience with my mother, they behave better. Just wish you only the best. xo

Karen said...

So glad you got a reprieve. I keep thinking that an assisted living complex would be good for all of you.

Michelle said...

I just wanted to pop by and say I am glad you are feeling better day by day. This is such an interesting topic to me, my mom struggled with this decision with her mom, and I am sure I will struggle with the same decision.

I love the quote on your blog - and it made me think of this website

Check it out - it is from Harvard Business School - they ask every graduating member the question, "what would you do with your one wild and precious life?" The replies are amazing.

claudia said...

My sisters and I are now faced with taking care of our dear Father. Not a problem, but we really don't want to leave him alone. I will probably be going to stay at his house for a while. I don't have the room here for him to stay with me, my sisters have businesses to run so tey don't have a way to take care of him in their homes. He should stay in his home anyway. My girls can continue to live here and take care of this house while I am at Dad's. I'm sure I will have tales to tell.
I am so glad that you are continuing to get stronger. enjoy your free days. You do deserve them!

Anonymous said...

I lost my mother at 32.....tho I realize it's difficult, I wish she were here.....

Rita said...

I used to take my grandma to give my aunt and uncle a break because she lived with them after her husband died.
I hope I go right from here into assisted living or a nursing home. I want to be here until I can't live alone anymore or they come to haul me to the morgue. ;)
Enjoy your vacation and I hope you have many more. :)

Susan said...

I lost my mother when she was only 67, so I missed out on her later years as you're facing with your mum. What a lovely daughter to give you a break, but moreover, to spend time with her grandmother. I'm so happy you got some alone time after all you've been through--XOXO

Sharon said...

Because we both were working, having my mother live with us wasn't an option. She wanted to live with us but she wasn't strong enough to be alone all day. There are no easy answers. What a lovely gift from your daughter.

rosek1870 said...

I understand how you feel but as a parent ages there is no "solution". My grandmother lived with us which was hard and mom and nana did switch roles so my mom said she would never live with us and moved to a life care a mile away. This worked well while she could drive and live in independent living. BUT... as she aged and couldn't drive our roles still switched, she wait all day for me to visit, take her to the dr., go shopping and eventually when she went to assited living, even do her laundry (while still working). I think overall it would have been easier on me to have her with me. I think we all make the best decisions we can but as our parents age they will need us more and there is just no way around that short of hiring someone and walking away and I don't think there are to many of us who can just walk-a-way. I adored my mom and I miss her everyday but I don't miss her "needs" of old age - I just miss the "mom". Good Luck and I will keep you all in my prayers.

Tiggeriffic said...

My kids tell me if I ever need to come live with them they are going to build a small cottage behind their house and I can live there..The cottage is going to be a one car garage so they can use it later after I'm gone.. Ha Ha.. I like being by myself and doing for myself..I'm 1/2 way to 136 So I have awhile before I have to decide to leave my home..I think it's wonderful you take care of your mom.. I took care of my mom when she had cancer and I'll never regret raising 4 kids..
Your a great daughter.. ta ta for now from Iowa:)

MrsB said...

It is hard when the child becomes the parent.
I got Long Term Care Insurance when I turned 60.
I told my son that I never wanted to live with he and his wife - two women, one kitchen? Disaster.
Being a good daughter at the same time as you need mothering - that is some hard.
You are doing fine...never be too hard on yourself.

Daryl said...

perspective .. its what makes life interesting

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