Surrender

I am sure the world has gone mad, and sometimes I wish I lived on a mountain, with no access to any kind of media.  

I know that is a pipe dream, can you ever get away from it????

But this week has been particularly disturbing.

A father who shoots his three sons, in the yard, in front of their mother.  They were beautiful little boys, ages 3, 4, and 7.   Why?

Five people in a submarine, 2.5 miles down in the ocean, looking for wreckage of a ship that's been there for over 100 years, surely not to be rescued.  They went voluntarily.  Why?

The world is a mind boggle much of the time, and maybe it always has been, but now, it is in 

our face, daily.  The magnitude of our disconnect.

On so many levels, the internet is a wonderful thing.

And yet..........

Wasn't life so much simpler before? 

Useless pondering, I know.

But now I understand my elderly mother's reminiscing about times past.  How much she enjoyed traveling back down memory lane.  I didn't get it then, but now I do.

Getting older sometimes makes you smarter, not feebler.

Often I beat myself up with the thoughts that I "should" be doing something, traveling, being more social, being more adventurous. joining groups. buying nicer clothes, dressing up more, getting out more,  I ask myself, "what ever happened to you?"  

You didn't use to be such a hermit.

Then at times, I get sucked into the FOMO mentality.   OMG,  fear of missing out.  It even sounds ridiculous.

What I've realized is this.

I'm fairly old.  I've been on this earth for 76 years to date.  I've had an interesting, active, pretty wonderful life. I've been blessed in so many ways.   Hard times?   Absolutely.

But here I am, still on my feet, still weaving, still excited about every sunrise.

The truth is, I don't really want to travel.   I  don't want to be more social.  I am happy with the small circle of friends and family who elevate me, always.  I don't want or need a lot of fancy clothes, and in fact, if it's not totally comfortable, it's out.  I'm not losing weight, either.  Enough already, it's long past time to give up on that need to "fit in" or "measure up" or in any way waste a minute comparing myself to anyone else.  I eat sensibly, but if I want a bagel, I'm having a bagel.

No longer interested in impressing anyone at all.

Truth is, I'm incredibly happy right where I am.

Simple, perhaps, but nothing feels as good as this.

Me, and two dogs, and two cats.   A pack you might say.  And what is more comforting than to be with your pack???

Of course, before all the social media explosion, we weren't bombarded with everyone's "best" moments, their FB pages, and Instagram, and all the rest, where they appeared to be so incredibly perfect and happy.   

So we were more content in our own little worlds, and if we ventured out, on a big trip, it was an event, not a small part of a whirlwind life, like we see portrayed for us on the screen, continuously.

The sense of foreboding I have carried around since one year ago June, has gone.  Very 

simply, I have surrendered.   An old Al Anon word, "surrender".   Not giving up, oh no.

But surrendering to a higher power, accepting life as it is.  Loving it, as it is.

And gratitude, always.

Is it summer yet?

Here I am again.......I am appalled at my scanty blogging history this year.  I really 

can't believe I have been so distracted.  I keep telling myself that I will do better.

Yesterday was a crazy, disturbing day, when a mangy looking raccoon tried to break INTO the dog yard.   Yes, my dogs noticed.  There was a horrible screeching noise, and when I got them inside, they both had blood on their faces.

I have looked high and low, but the raccoon is nowhere to be found.  On inspection, there was a small opening between the stockade fence on the back of the yard, and the chain link on the side of the yard, and this is where the raccoon made the 

poor decision to try to get through.

I immediately called the vet, who said that even if the raccoon was rabid, my dogs are up to date on their rabies, so will be ok.

Never a dull moment.

Syd says:  "They are animals."

Last week I got on a sewing kick......that's how I roll.........you would think it would be 

easier to sew things when I take them off the loom, but no.

I weave for long stretches of time, and stack up the fabric.   Then one day,

I get the notion to sew, and for days I am to be found at the sewing machine.

 I finished seven möbius shawls.

One lovely ruana.

And five möbi shrugs.

It all goes on my FB page, Crazy as a Loom Weaving, and then gets safely hung up to wait for the guild show in November.

I do not have the energy or the motivation for any other shows.

Then after the guild show, I'll have my annual pre-Christmas sale.

That's my plan.

The raised beds are doing great with tomatoes, cukes, one zucchini, some peppers, some basil, and the garlic that I planted last fall.

The perennial garden is really starting to come together.

I am trying to keep everything outside as easy to take care of as possible.  I do some weeding, but that's about it.

 I am limping around still, and have been for two months.  Going to the chiropractor now, twice a week, so hoping that eventually I will be a little more mobile.   But to be honest, I have given up the idea of doing manual labor. I have been too hard on my body all these years, and now I really just need to take care of it.

I either hire someone to do the yard work, or it won't get done.

Hope everyone is enjoying these  early summer days.....it will be fall before we know it.

I matter.

Here it is, well into June. I have no idea where the time goes.  Most of the time I feel that I am hiding away here in Kingsbury, in this big old house.

The world has gone mad.

First a heat wave that seems like the dog days of August, then so cold I wanted to turn the 

furnace back on.

Then for a couple of days, I didn't dare to go outside with the air quality in such a state, bad for people with asthma, like me.

Then there's the indictment.  God help us.

But let's stick with today, that's always my plan, even though I deviate sometimes.

A while back, I was repotting my oxalis, a plant I've had for 20 years.   It was looking 

kind of sad, and I knew it was root bound, so I bought a bigger pot, and some dirt.

Unfortunately, when I proceeded to remove it from its tight space, I dumped it upside down on the table.  I was horrified, I thought for sure I had killed it.   But fast forward a couple of weeks, and just look at that beauty.  

A long time ago, my mother, gardener extraordinaire, told me that sometimes you need to "shock' a plant, and it will rebound with gusto.   Apparently, she was right.

When we walk the dogs every morning, we usually walk on a dirt road a few miles 

from here.   Never mind that there are oodles of lovely trails we could walk on.

Nope.  We only walk where there is minimal chance of seeing anyone or anything.

The reason:   that would be Willie.  He is the sweetest dog on the planet, but he reacts ....no, he overreacts .....to everything.  Jumping, howling, twirling.....it's a sight.    I've tried everything that I can think of, and nothing really works.  He is happy and calm and lovely in his own domain,  but anywhere else, even in the car, he is a royal pain.

Luckily, he didn't see old grumpy Grace here.........good thing. Snapping turtles can do a job on a dog's nose.   Lately we see them almost every day, laying their eggs by the side of the road.

It's a labor of love, surely, or is it just instinct?  I am glad that they don't know that 

the very next day, those eggs have been dug up and feasted on by some local predator.

It's a wonder there are any turtles at all.

When we walk on the Towpath, which is the road next to the old canal, we often see

the results of lazy ass people throwing their trash around.

This piece of metal has been there a while, and L insists on calling it the "creature in the canal".

You decide.

I know I told you all that I had turned a corner.  And I think that's true.

But wow, my brain is working all the time, pondering and figuring, and thinking

things through.

Memories flash through my head, and some days I am just exhausted with putting my life all back together, in this new shape.

I have come to understand so much.

We all have our crosses to bear.   Our infirmities.   

We all have to navigate the process of aging, and we all have to face change

at one time or another.

Nothing stays the same.

We all experience life in our own way, the joys, the heartaches, the worry, the excitement, 

the challenges.

I believe that I am but a blip on the screen, like each one of you.

In a vast universe, each one of us is a mere thought.

So in that vein, what matters???

I think........I really believe......that the only thing that matters is the love we give, the good we do, the serenity we claim.   

So in every throw of the shuttle, every mix of the dye,  every hug of a child or a grandchild or a friend, every kindness I extend, every time I  dig down and give of myself, every quiet moment of gratitude I experience , I matter.

And that, my friends, is it.

ZZZZZZZZZ

Please tell me about your sleep.  What do you sleep on?  Why do you like it?   How does your sleep effect your life?

Why do I ask?   Because mine sucks.   It's funny, too, how you look back, and you know that it hasn't been forever, but damned if you can remember when it started.  I suspect though, that having Covid over Christmas, might have something to do with it.

I had a sleep study a couple of weeks ago, and the results were shocking.

I do NOT have sleep apnea.

Wow.

So I'm back to square one.   Waking up many times a night, and not having the foggiest clue why..........unless it's post Covid stuff, which the doctor said is very possible.  

Oh, yeah, and I have asthma.  Go figure.

This is Naya and Willie's yard.  There's a 5 ft high black chain link fence around most of it, and a stockade fence across the back.   They have a dog door onto the screen porch, and in the summer, the kitchen door is open to the screen porch, so they can go in and out as much as they want.

Yes, they are spoiled.

The bush is a "snowball", a form of viburnum, that my mother bought me years ago.

It is a beautiful thing, but the blossoms are VERY short lived, which is sad.

It does have an odd shape, because my husband did some trimming around the bottom of 

it, before I could catch him.

When asked why he would do such a thing, he said that he couldn't get his riding lawn mower close enough to it.

I think I threatened to kill him if he ever touched it again.

Looking back on that now gives me pause.

Yes, this is a box of 12 tubes of Pepsodent tooth paste.   It is my favorite 

tooth paste, which I used to buy at the dollar store, because it was the 

only store that carried it.  Then suddenly they didn't have it either.

But I found it online, and ordered a box of it, so I won't be running out any

too soon.

When my daughter commented on it, I told her that at least she knew that I planned to stick around for awhile.

It's going to be a quiet weekend here at Crazy as a Loom.  Everybody has plans to be somewhere, and the weather is supposed to be wonderful.

Naya says she is not impressed.  With any luck there won't be any fireworks.  If there is, she won't be looking this laid back.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Critters and a simple thought.

Is this enough color??????   

I wanted some towels that just screamed happy.

I think they do.

I have a stash of 70+ towels........ and taking into consideration that a few will sell here and there, I want at least 100 for the guild show in November.

Still on a mission to downsize, to really get rid of things I am not using, and know that I probably won't use.   I am having a HUGE sale this coming Saturday, May 20th, from 10-2, right here.  So far I have 160 cones of thread, and about 30 hand dyed yarns for weft.  Plus there's a Baby Wolf loom, a table loom, and lots of miscellaneous weaving tools.

The lawn has taken off........and maintaining almost an acre of lawn has once again

become an issue.

On our morning walks, Lois and I see lots of wildlife.   These turtles love to sun themselves on this log.   

There's a muskrat that follows us sometimes, and a pair of ducks, and Harry the heron.

So far, Willie and Naya have not noticed him.

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day.   I was driving through the countryside going to a friend's house, and I was just enjoying the scenery and the quiet.   I wasn't really thinking of anything.  I stopped  at  a local coffee shop, and I was pouring myself a cup of coffee, and clear as a bell, the thought came, 

"I love my life...........and I'm ok."

It startled me, and I almost looked around to see who said it, but I knew that it was in my head.

But from that moment on, I have felt better.

It may not make a bit of sense, but it's true.

I will forever miss my husband, and there will still be things that bring me to tears, 

but for the first time in a year, I felt a real sense of acceptance, and serenity.  I'm going to be fine.

Sydney says:   "Of course you are."

She's so wise, isn't she?

Yesterday I was out in the yard, and noticed several big vultures swooping around. 

Then two of them landed on a house across the road.  

I headed over there, to get a closer shot.  I figured they would be gone

by the time I got there, but they weren't.

Heathcliff and Gertrude, maybe?????

Getting ready for a sale.

In my new solo life here, having my lawn mowed, and any yard work that needs to be done, is a financial consideration.   I am not going to do it myself, I've decided that  a while back.

So, I guess I'll just do what I can afford, and hope for the best.

Here's my back yard after the first spring mow.

It's obviously way bigger than I need.  But I've spent years clearing what used to be an old barn yard, and now I hate to let it go.

Oh, it would grow up in a heartbeat, if I stopped mowing it, and I have nothing against wild, green spaces.  The problem is that it wouldn't be a flowery field from Pinterest.  It would be a hot mess, with the sumac and the knotweed (we call it bamboo) and the locust trees totally taking over.  

So I just can't do it.  

In my efforts to continue to clean out this big old house, and downsize, I am having a SALE.

It's on May 20th, 10-4, and it's all weaving threads and weaving tools.  I have shelves of cones of thread that I haven't used, and probably will never use.  They need to go to other weavers.

I'm digging through drawers and cupboards and finding all kinds of things, like this old quilt that needs to be finished.

 It's a beautiful piece of work.   The wedding ring quilt is one of the hardest to get right, IMHO.

Anyway, I put it away, for sometime after the sale.  I don't have time for it right now.

I just happened to catch this turkey vulture as it landed on a nearby pole.  

He didn't stay long.

I had work to do anyway.

I needed to wrap up one project on my sewing table, before I start assembling all the cones of yarn I want to get rid of.

It's a dress/tunic that I made from several different pieces of woven and hand dyed yardage.

Not entirely sure that I like it as a dress, but maybe shorter, as a tunic, I might really like it better.............

So after the sale, I might try to make another one.

The front.......

The back........

Eighteen years ago, we cleaned out my  father's house after he died.  He wasn't exactly a hoarder, but he was certainly a collector of strange things.  His house was a wreck.   I say he wasn't a hoarder, because he was functional.  He could sleep in his own bed, eat at his table, 

shower in his bathroom, and sit in his recliner and watch TV.  He could cook on his stove, and do dishes in his sink.

But there it ends.

The rest of the house was totally trashed.

We filled thirteen 30 yard dumpsters to the tune of $11,000.

I vowed I would never do that to my children.

Then just recently, a lifelong friend of mine died suddenly, and she WAS a hoarder, and she was not functional.    She could get herself to the store to buy wine, but she couldn't get to her bed, she had no vacant place to sit, she couldn't use her washer or her dryer or her shower.  The stove was buried, the kitchen sink was buried.  

Disturbing does not begin to describe it.  

Now her poor brother has to deal with it.

A whole houseful of it.

So I have this real need to simplify my life and my home.  That is not the kind of legacy I want to  leave behind.

Needless to say, there will be a lot of "stuff" in my house when I leave this world, but I want it to be useful stuff, and organized useful stuff.

Not junk.  Not boxes and drawers full of unidentified junk to go through.

Thus .......the purge.

Naya and Willie do not care one whit.   As long as they have their food dishes, and their soft, comfy beds to lie in, and Willie has his tennis ball, the rest is just fluff.

We could learn a lot from dogs.

You did it.

While I am totally against any form of dieting at my age, I am painfully aware that all winter long I have been eating in ways that are not necessarily good for me.

So I'm just trying to eat better.  Cleaner.

I haven't eaten meat in 14 years.......wow, that's incredible to me.  Seems like yesterday.

Unfortunately, sometimes not eating meat, I tend to fill up with carbs, and that is not a good thing.

I am totally stuck on this draft.  Something about the texture is so appealing to me

that I just don't get tired of it.

So I decided to tie on my next warp, and do the same draft all over again in 

different colors.

I chose pastels.

I really have no idea WHY, because I am not really a pastel kind of girl.

The first towel turned out "ok", I guess you could say that its pretty, but to be

perfectly honest, it did nothing for me.

So I decided totally ignore my choice of warp colors, and do whatever came to mind.

While they are not everyone's cuppa tea, they make me happy, and that's what counts.

My love of the texture continues, and I have no idea how long I will be weaving 

these towels.   I guess I will weave them until I don't.

And that's ok, too.

Someone at my house has a ball obsession.

Not saying who.

Yesterday was a lovely rainy day, so I made detox lentil soup.

It's the bomb, and definitely one of my faves.  It's pure comfort.

I love to read, but I admit that my reading habits are probably weird.

I read several books in a row, devour them really, and then I'm done.

I won't read for a week, or 2, or 3, or even more.  

Then, suddenly, I will be reading again, and I will read like I can never 

get enough.

Until I don't.

What's up with that?

My new favorite author is Paul Harding.   The book that won the Pulitzer Prize, was The Other Eden.   I just finished that one, and went on to read the second one, Tinkers.

His mastery of the English language is fierce.  I just love him.  Here is an excerpt

that spoke to me.

And yes, I am still drawing.   It's all coming from some dark corner of my head,

I scarce want to know where.

I feel like I might have my second wind here, I hope you all don't get sick of reading.

  It's your own fault, you are too encouraging. :)

Back so soon

I can't tell you how much your comments meant to me.

I guess I had forgotten how healing it has been writing this blog over the last16 years.

This lamp is one of my favorites, and I remember clearly the day I bought it at a garage sale in Wells, Me., on one of our trips.   My husband and I went to Maine every May and October.  Good memories.

On my  list of things to do, was repotting some of my house plants.  This Oxalis was pretty root bound, and needed a new home.  It was so uncooperative, and I dumped it upside down on my potting table.  Luckily, it forgave me pretty quickly, and I think it's going to thrive.

Last year I had my screen porch "rehabbed", unfortunately the screen was not put

on very well,  and is coming off.  So this year, I have to put new screen on it.......again.   Annoying, 

to say the least.  But the dogs and I spend so much time out there, that I have to 

bite the bullet and get it done.

It's the best place to relax with a good book.

I bought a rug on sale at Lowe's, to spruce it up.

We love our porch.

Dale rocking her short hair cut!  She loves it, and so do I.  I love the confidence in

someone so young.  Even though all the other girls have long hair, she was 

quite certain about what she wanted.

Willie loves everyone, but he seriously loves "his kids".

And they love him!

Got my new labels in the mail.  I mostly use them on towels.  I get them from Quality Woven Labels.  They do such a great job.

On another one of our trips, I came across Tajin.......a spicy concoction

that you can put on fresh fruit.

It's very addictive.

Driving in the rain the other day, I thought about this past year.  I think sometimes that I have totally bored my friends with complaints and general "whinging" (English expression).

You all have the option of hitting the x on the top of the page, but my friends not so much.

The crux of it is this:  I feel like I have experienced a concerted assault on my person for the last year, physically, with 2 ablations, 2 cardioversions,  2 months of a horrible medication, Covid, and then 2 root canals 3 weeks apart, plus  recurring hip pain.   Then, of course, emotional and mental pain after losing my husband, who was my best friend.  Some days I think I should be very depressed, and I'm surprised that I am not.

So I've been in Normal Sinus Rhythm since October, and I am feeling physically much better, getting over all the nasty side effects from  the medications I had to take.  The effects of Covid  still bother me, for instance, my headaches are worse since Christmas when I had Covid, and I still am fatigued a lot of the time.  

I have started seeing my Osteopathic Doc again, for Osteopathic Manipulative Treatments, which are nothing like they sound.   He did wonders for my headaches years ago, so I am hoping that he can help again.

What I want more than anything is to feel like myself, and to be honest, I don't.  I haven't felt like myself for the last year.

I suppose that is to be expected.

Truth is, there is no preparation for losing someone, which is awful really, when it's an inevitable part of life, and particularly a part of aging. 

Once again, I realize that 'one day at a time' is the only way to get through any of this.

This morningI got up at 5;30, made some tea, and got on the couch with my dogs.   I promptly dozed off

to the sounds of rain on the windows.  Is there anything more soothing???

I needed that extra half hour of sleep, and these days I am kinder to me, and I let it happen.

I go with the flow, so to speak.  I weave when I want to weave, read when I want to read, rest when my body says it's time.  In other times, I would have ignored my  body, and pushed on to make more "product".   Not today.

Today, and finally, I do what feels perfect in the moment.

Maybe it took a year of being in "the bucket", to realize the importance of taking care of me.