Having a talk with your brain.

As crazy as it sounds, it's what I had to do.
I had to talk turkey to  this head of mine.
 (it went something like this)

OK,like knock it off.  Enough already.  What the hell??
Life is too short, and here you are, spending every waking minute pounding and being miserable.
Wasting my time, and YOURS.
Look, it's been two years already.  Two surgeries.   A wicked  long list of days that  were barely manageable.
Aren't you tired of it???
How about this???
You settle down, and take a breath.
Maybe just have a melt down or two a day, NOT ALL DAY.
We can do this, me and you.  I just know it.
I really think you should consider the alternative.
Remember the trip to Great Neck? The hospital?  The operating room?  Oh, those harsh lights, and then nothing, only to awaken to even more pain?
C'mon HEAD, work with me here.  I'll try to be better to you.  You try to be better to me.  That's how great relationships work.
And to be honest, I can't do this without you.



Towels are done.  Drawing is tomorrow evening.  Maybe I will even get the results of my MRI tomorrow?  Maybe it will be good news.
Good grief, sometimes I annoy myself with such optimism, but hey, what's the alternative?

Here are the colors I have for you to peruse, so if you WIN, you will be ready.


These are lavender and turquoise.

 

 Royal blue.

 

Turquoise.

 Country RED.

Black anyone??

 

Pastels.

 

 Another purple, a little darker.

And the next warp is on the AVL, ready to rip.

I made a mistake on this.  All you weavers probably know what it is.  I knew it the minute I did it.
And I am going to work around it. See if you can tell what it is.

And yes, I've cleaned my desk, thank you.


Yesterday and today have been a little easier.  Maybe my head is listening?  Or not.  But I'm grateful for the break, whatever the reason.  I'll take it.  Who knows what tomorrow might bring.

MRI GIVEAWAY

OK, that was a little tongue in cheek, but seriously,  don't we need a giveaway????
 The towels are just about off the loom...........it will happen tomorrow morning if all goes well.
So I think a TOWEL would be a splendid giveaway, don't you??

And all you have to do is be a follower, and comment.
Geesh.  Easy Peasy.

I so appreciate all your support, it just makes me sit up and take notice.  There's no room in my life for feeling sorry for myself, as much as lately it has occurred to me.
This is no doubt a bump in the road, a slipped stitch, a missed thread.
And it's ok.  It already IS.  There is not one bit of grumbling that will change it.

I guess I thought I would live out my later years with looms and cats, and long walks with my dog.
I anticipated BORING, but in a beautiful uncomplicated, simplistic way.
But just like someone driving the wrong way on a busy highway, no one really expects it.
Suddenly, it's there.
That's my life.  Derailed, as it were.
Headaches, surgeries, recoveries.  Then do it all over again.
And maybe again.

I have thought that maybe I could drug myself to the point that I didn't care if I had a cement block on my face, but then I decided that my weaving might not be what I want it to be, so I threw that idea out.
Then I thought maybe I could use MIND CONTROL to get through it.  I am still working on that one.
I can't even think about having NO PAIN to begin with.  What a concept that would be.

The other side of this is my lack of tolerance for all things ridiculous, you know those things that would normally not even make you blink.  I don't have any space in my head for them.   I simply go away mentally and emotionally.  Can't handle them, don't want to, actually refuse to.
I guess that's my coping mechanism right now.
But I dream of driving away.  Is that so bad????

One thing that helps...........mindless weaving........maybe that is why I am so in love with the AVL.........two treadles, no thinking....just the rhythmic cycling of the dobby,  throwing the shuttle, and watching the pattern take shape before my eyes.  Oh, my head still hurts, but I go to my happy, happy, happy place, and that monster that keeps returning to me like a bad penny just doesn't have so much hold over me.

Could I weave 24/7 perhaps???  Now that's an idea. I will draw the name for the towel on Monday night, August 19th.

Imagine

Warning:  Pictures unrelated to text.

Just thought I should tell you.

In my alternate life,
 I wake up one morning, without a headache.

At first, I just sense something is different, but it's such a shock, I can't identify what has changed.
Then it hits me.  My headache is gone.
Two years.
And it's gone.

I make my coffee and sit on my corner of the sofa.  I don't fire up my lap top.  I don't pick up the newspaper (truth is I never read the newspaper).
I just stare straight ahead.  My mind is whirling, and at the same time, it's blank.

Eventually, I get up and start my day.  But it's hard to concentrate.  I want to believe this is true.
But I wonder.  Is it a fluke?  Is it a pause in the action, only to return times ten?
Is it real?
Is it possible?
I am delirious.  I am scared.  I am confused.

Suddenly, I remember what my life used to be like.  Without a headache.
How foolish I was, to have taken this for granted.
How lucky I was, to go through my days with nothing pressing behind my eyes.
 I had it made.
I didn't know.   I had no idea.

 Two years of a headache, two surgeries, headache returned.............now if that's not an education, I don't know what is.

I know now that life is tenuous.  It can't be trusted.  Change is the only thing you can really depend on.  People change.  Times change.  The weather changes.
Feelings change.  Intentions, too.  We get older.  Accidents happen.  Good health doesn't last.
Youth doesn't either.
Today is all we own.  And it's gone before we know it.
Every day that we embrace is a day no one can ever take away from us.

 In this life.
Tomorrow: another MRI.

Minutiae.

Saturday at the studio.  Sometimes Saturdays are quiet.  Today wasn't.

But it was still good.

Lots of company.

Good friends, good conversation.

In between, I worked on my towels. Ah, yes, still addicted.

My bff came and worked on placemats.

 I think she was having fun.

Maybe she is making coats for her recently shorn goats and sheep.

The apple tree in the back yard is dropping huge apples by the dozens.  It smells like

vinegar, but Mr. Woodchuck is getting fat as a hog out there.

He ran off with a huge smashed apple in his mouth.....I bet he was taking it home to the kids.

I found some 10/2 variegated in my stash, and two of these towels are sold before they are even finished.

They are quite fetching, if I do say so myself.  And I do.

 

 The cloth storage system on the AVL is working like a charm, and I am PLEASED.

 In fact, the AVL itself is a joy to weave on, and it makes me very happy.
It's good to be happy.
Or as Phil says on Duck Dynasty which has to be about the happiest thing I've seen on TV in a long time........"happy, happy, happy."

Outside, the little black cat that has been sneaking around is looking to come up on the porch to eat, if he can sneak by Next, who is adamant that he not do it.

Um, I think it's safe now.

Geesh, Louise.  Put some shade on it.

 

 

Ouch.

Yesterday and today were tough.   My head has been fairly vibrating.
Is it the weather?  More scar tissue?  Stress? 
I have no clue.
I do know that Alleve, Motrin, and even a Hydrocodone in desperation do not  touch it.

I stayed home all morning, made some blueberry muffins, and just puttered around trying to take my mind off it.  Then I managed to get to the studio where I tried out some new black 8/2 that I just got in the mail from the Georgia Yarn Company  Check out the web site,  if you like what you see, and you order, tell Michael that I sent you.

I personally think my headache could be some kind of occipital neuralgia, caused by the trauma of the surgery.
No, I have not called my doctor yet.
1.  He will say to give it some more time.
2.  He will order an MRI, and he might as well tell me to go sit in a car bomb in Beirut.
3.  I don't know that I want to hear any bad news right now, about anything.

I am straddling a fence, and it is very, very uncomfortable, about as uncomfortable as you might imagine a fence would be in delicate places.

A few hospital admissions ago, my mother expressed her concern that she needed 24/7 care, after she almost fell three times, and I caught her all three, she said that she thought it was time to go to the "Stanton".  That's the nursing home where she went after her hip replacement seven years ago.  It is within walking distance of my house.
So we applied.  And jumped through all the hoops that they make you jump through.  And we got on the waiting list.
And she changed her mind.
For days she barely spoke to me.
Then she cried.
Then she inferred that I was a lousy daughter, not so much in words, but what mother can't tell her daughter VOLUMES without saying one thing.
Ah, yes.
She is speaking to me again, but we avoid that subject.
She is waiting for IT to happen.
I am just trying to get through one day at a time.

 

 On the one hand, I want to take care of her while she is here.  I want to be the best daughter.  I want her to know that I love her so, so much.  I want to make whatever sacrifice I have to make, to do what SHE thinks is the right thing.  I want to make her last weeks/months, whatever she has, comfortable.

On the other hand, I want to be free of the responsibility that hovers over me around the clock.
I don't want to be a nurse anymore, especially in my own home.
I want to be able to spend quality time with her, while someone else does the nursing care and keeps track of her bowel movements and her medications, and her mental status.
I just want her to be my mother.
I don't want to be hers.
Ah, the emotional turmoil.
The guilt.
The pain.
No wonder my head aches.

And no, the pictures do not have anything to do with the text. 
They are just what I love, balancing out what I don't.
It's just life.
Between the headache and the fence, a rock and a hard place, there is still joy.

Lucky.

If I didn't have to sleep, I would have a lot more towels woven.
Sigh.

 They are dark on one side, and light on the other.   I am smitten.
And I am a fool for blue and white, too.

My kids will tell you that I am definitely a geek at heart.

I love my MAC PRO.

I love my iPhone.

I like to be proficient in all the newest gadgets.

I guess a computerized loom would be interesting.

But I am loving the simplicity of this dobby loom.   I can get a rhythm going without any electricity.

I love the click click click of the dobby bars.

I have several looms that I am very fond of, but this one might top them all.

I will be sending a newsletter out as soon as I get a stack of these made.  They are 100% cotton, and they are "big dish towels".  I am raising the price a bit, to $28 each, or 2 for $50.  I am telling you all this because I like to give my blog followers first dibs.  You can just send me an email with TOWEL in the title, and I will put you on my list.

After the blue, I will have some in red, and some in black.

Lois is still working on rugs from the upholstery fabric, and they will be on my web site today.

You might wonder why I seem to be in a good mood, in spite of having a daily headache still.
It's not that complicated, really.
Yes, my head hurts.  But compared to how it hurt before the first surgery, when I envisioned my life being over, or compared to how it hurt when I woke up from that first surgery.............well, there is no comparison.  It would be like comparing a pencil sketch to a BLACK MAGIC MARKER drawing.
It's all in the perspective.
When I walk Roy on our 3 mile loop, and I feel strong and alive, I remember when I came home after the first head repair, and I was too weak to walk down the street alone, and it took me months to walk that route again.
Yes, it's better.

If you think about it, your life is always "better" than it could be.
It could always be worse.

 I am grateful, profoundly grateful, for my life.

For my family, for my friends.

I'm a lucky girl.

Watch this guy, he says it all.

S.A.E.

Ack.  Life can be so hard sometimes.
I really could not do it other than ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Even thinking about it any other way is impossible for me.

My head will be the death of me probably.  It's hard to explain it.  I am sure there is someone in the world who has a similar experience.  I just don't know them.
My headache is different these days.  I still have it. Every. Day.
Amazing, right?  A headache every day since October 2011.
I can't believe it myself.
Then I think about what they did, TWICE, when they were banging around inside my head.

I try to understand it, figure it out, come to terms with it.  It's become such a big part of my story, I
honestly can't imagine my life any other way.

In the course of a day, my headache changes 7-10 times, from "barely there", to a fist in the temple, to a smasher.
Last week, on one particularly horrible day, I texted my friend who also had surgery for Chiari, without the neck fusion.  She said years later, she still has bad days.  She says you just have to "Scrap All Expectations".
That may have to be my "go to" motto.  On days that just don't cut it, when nothing seems to work, I may have to S.A.E.
Acceptance.
I don't think that stress helps.  And taking care of my mother, trying to figure out what's best for her, and me, and DH, is enough to give anyone a headache.
Dreaming of a pond in Maine, going to sleep listening to the loons calling, that's my "go to" dream.

I am also doing some craniosacral therapy, hoping that it might help to settle my head down after the trauma that it has suffered.

In the meantime, I am amusing myself  with the (new to me) AVL folding dobby loom.
With its new sectional beam, it is finally operational.

This is the first of MANY dish towels.  In fact, the AVL is going to be my designated towel loom.

 I had a couple of threading errors, which you might see if you look close, but after two towels, I fixed them.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this.  I even went BACK to the studio after dinner, to play with it some more.

 And tomorrow is another day.

To me, the trick is to NOT keep thinking about the parts of life that hurt.  There is no point.
Instead, I do this.
I weave.
I am so grateful for it, I can't even tell you.

Surprises all around.

Oh, yikes.  You all make me feel so TALENTED, going on about my chenille baby blanket.
You are all too kind.
Here's the deal. 

 I made it in two days......in my spare time.  It was really not a big job at all.

It's an easy, easy project.  I bought my chenille squares a few years back, but you can find them on Ebay, and on Etsy.  They are usually sold in batches, of 20 to 36.  My squares were only 4" squares, but they come in 6" squares.  I used 121 of the 4" squares.  I simply strip sewed them together........yup, that easy.
Then I had some natural, cotton batting, and I bought some dainty cotton fabric for the backing, put the three together, and used some 8/2 cotton to tie the three together in random places.

So cheap, it's not, but gorgeous, and pretty darn easy, it's both of those.
I may buy some more and make another one........maybe I'll make a QUEEN size one.
Now there's a thought.


 Got the sectional beam on the AVL, wound and ready.

 

It was half threaded when I left the studio today.  I can't wait to get it up and running.  I am doing 16 harness twill dish towels.   Someone asked me: "Aren't you sick of dish towels, yet?"

The answer is no.

I have mentioned before how I have made so many dear friends through this blog.

It's a gift that keeps on making me happy.

The other day, a package came.

It had a return address, but didn't say from WHO at that return address.

I opened it to find a beautiful and familiar photograph, put on canvas.

 

 I knew right away it was of Sand Beach in Acadia, one of my favorite places.

So I googled the address, and found it was a business that puts photos on canvas.  Hmm.  Then the light bulb went off.
Who else loves Maine as much as I do?

Why Kate, over at Chronicles of a Country Girl that's who.

So I toddled on over to her blog, and typed in Easy Canvas Prints in the little search window up on the left.  And just as I suspected, there was an old post of hers recommending them.
Who knew?
I did, that's who.
I put the picture in the back bedroom, the biggest one, in the studio, my favorite bedroom.  I weave in there sometimes, on my Macomber.  And now I can look up and see Sand Beach, and wish I was there.
Thanks, Kate.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

In case you're all wondering what L is up to these days, she's weaving on the Cranbrook.

 She is continuing what I started, weaving beautiful rugs out of all that upsholstery fabric we cut up and sewed together.

Sydney says:

Could I get a little attention around here?