Crazy as a Loom

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Sunday thoughts

Warning: photos unrelated to text.

I apologize for being somewhat absent here.
I am struggling, it seems, with my reality.
Don't we all do that on occasion??
I hope it's not just me.

First off, there's the pain...blahblahblah....and I am working around that.  It's getting better.  But I try to be conscious of the trauma that my neck muscles have been through not once, but twice, in seven months.  It's gonna take some time.  The physical therapy is great, and I am using heat, and exercising, and doing as I am told.
I am also listening to my body, which can be quite verbal.  I walk Roy every day, because he needs it and so do I.  But I'm working my way up to really LONG walks....not there yet.  Neck says NO.

I know that most of you, and most everyone else, has no clue how hard their neck muscles work on a daily basis.
Holy mackerel.
I do.  Oh, yes, I do.
I am trying to be patient and obliging, as I see no other recourse.

I am hoping and dreaming of the day when I can do more and have less pain.   I believe.
And of course, I know that my affliction pales in comparison to so many others; people who have lost limbs, who have lost loved ones.

The new dobby loom is sitting there patiently.  I got the new weight for the cloth storage beam in the mail from AVL.  I want (desperately) a sectional beam for it, as I am a sectionally warped kind of girl.  But we are going to put a regular warp on it from the warping board, so I can TRY it out, and then do the sectional beam at a later date.  But definitely, it is on my radar.
I am starting to wind the warp.   A little at a time.  Neck says so.  A little today, more tomorrow.

It is sometimes a "Sydney says" kind of day, but now it is a "NECK says" kind of day.

How times change.

I am grateful though, to be strong enough to do this at all.  I know, that I am fortunate, and that it could be very different.
Part of me is proud, sometimes too much.
But I want my daughters to look back and say, "Mom gave it her best shot.  She didn't let circumstances get her down, she kept moving forward, and she kicked ass."
Is that wrong of me to want that?
I think partly I feel that way, because my own mother is so different.

My mother gets up in the morning, and defines herself and the rest of her day by how bad she feels.
She has arthritis everywhere, so of course, she wakes up stiff and with some pain.  And nothing I say about the need to get moving is considered relevant.
Of course, by noon, she is fine, walking around, no more groaning and whingeing. (yes, whinge is a word, it's an English thing)
To whinge:  Complain persistently and in a peevish or irritating way.

But by then she has wasted a great deal of her day, and her energy, and her brain space.  And it's hard to turn it around mentally.
And while I know that this is my mother at 89, and that age has impaired her thinking and her personality a great deal, the truth of the matter is that she was the same way when I was growing up.
She was a bear in the morning.
Maybe not in pain, but even in her 30's, she woke up with an attitude.  So much, in fact, that when I was 10 or 11, I told her to stay in bed, I was fine to get up and get myself off to school without her.
She was elated, and sad to say, so was I.
It is just as distressing to be around her in the morning now, as it was then.

I wish I didn't have to see her until noon, and that makes me feel so bad.  But it's the truth, unvarnished.  I love her, and I know she won't live forever, but to be around her when she wakes up is painful to me on more levels than I can explain.
The other truth is that my mother has been depressed for 20 years.  And only took meds for a few months........they were lovely months, by the way.  She refused to take them after that.  It's been her downfall.

I want to always see the bright side of things, I want to always nurture hopefulness, and a positive outlook.  I don't ever want to give in to misery.
I want to stay interested in life until my last day of it, at whatever level I am capable of.
And I've already told my three daughters, if I get depressed, and all three of you tell me that I am, bring on the meds.  No problem.
Because I've seen the alternative.

I think this whole head and neck experience for me has been illuminating.  It has made me see the inevitable changes that take place as we get older, as we move through our lives.
I know I won't always be able to do the things that I have loved.  It's happening already.  But there are still so many things that I want to experience.  There is always something to see, something to read, something to do, family to love.
I want to be present, in my heart, for all of it.  ALL OF IT.


Country Girl said...

Your honesty astounds me and I applaud you for it, Hilary. I have always been motivated by your attitude, and your energy - yes even now. I wish your mom could sleep til noon too.
Hey - that hawk shot is amazing. I love it.

ain't for city gals said...

Hilary...if possible now might be the time for a cottage on the lake for a month or so...It would be nice to get away from every thing and just be and heal. You have had two major surgeries in the past year...please think about it. Take Roy and your books and just be...

Nancy said...

You seem to have the right attitude. I feel much the same and every time I hear someone whining I vow I will not be one of those.
Also, just because someone else is "worse off" than you, it doesn't diminish what you are going through. I think too many of us have that way of thinking. Hope you continue to improve every day.

Devon said...

I was moved by your words today. It reminded me that we can always change our behavior and attitude despite our circumstances. Thank you for that!

Happy Healing!

Unknown said...

Hilary-You glass is always half full-And that is so inspiring to me!
I saw you at the last moment walking Roy today and by the time I made it to the door you were beyond calling range and I was still in my Jammies finishing the fringes on 2 shawls & 2 scarves...You are an inspiration-I am proud to be a student of yours and look forward to learning more about weaving and life from you-Sue

Deb said...

Enjoyed this post tonight. It really spoke to me. I've been up and down like a yoyo lately but tomorrow is another day (even though I have a dentist appt..blah!). Love the last photo, Hilary. My pregnant daughter & hubby were here for dinner tonight and we took some photos, too. It's so exciting for everyone. Firsts...aren't they wonderful.

claudia said...

You are always an inspiration to me.
Today at work it was stressful. Everything that could go wrong did. Instead of bemoaning the fact that I was working on a BEAUTIFUL Sunday, I took everything in stride, "played" with the customers and tried to make them at least smile while we had to do all the stuff that it took to get them on their ways and enjoy their Sunday. I was tired when I came home, but it was a good tired and I was still smiling. You have helped me remember to choose my attitude and live it. Thank you!

Daryl said...

i think we all tend to either be just like our mothers or we fight hard to be the opposite ... when she was alive my mother and i butted heads a lot ... i regret that now because she was always one to look at the upside, the bright side .. but she worried she worried a lot ... it aways seemed to me to be self defeating but now i look back and hope that as i get older i become more like her .. you are one of the strongest women i know, i admire your strength, your honesty and you will i know turn this around ... soon you will be at least 99.99% back to yourself ...

Kathy said...

I think our Mothers must be long lost sisters...Your Mom sounds just like mine! She Whignes all the time! I, too, have vowed to be more positive, happier, filling my days with good things, enjoying whatever I see and do, and loving my family in a positive, giving way. And, I too, love my Mom dearly...I just keep praying and saying to my kids...DON'T let me turn into Nan... I don't think I will, though. I have a good outlook, my knitting and quilting, and good friends and fabulous husband and sons.

MrsB said...

Uncommonly moving piece. Thank you. Being honest is hard - but good for your soul and ultimately your neck....we carry so much mental pain in those precious muscles and tendons.
Keep being good to yourself.

Shiralyn said...

I can really relate to what you have to say about not being able to do what we use to do. I, at times, get so angry at my body for just tiring out before my mind is ready to stop. Never thought this would happen to me. But, I am trying to be accepting of my limits and reading your blog has helped me so much. One day at a time, right?!

Joanna said...

How about "mardy"? Goes well with whinging... Neither apply to you, Missus. You're amazing!

Cupcake Murphy said...

Ok first of all you're the best and second of all I feel exactly the same way about my mom and the fact that you wrote what you wrote eased my burden and third of all MIND THE NECK, BELOVED, FOR CHRIMINY SAKES MIND THE NECK. xoxo

Sharon said...

The relationship between mothers and daughters is unbelievably complex. I fully appreciate your experience. There are no do-overs.

Sue said...

So glad you have gotten rid of that block of cement. Just listen to your inner nurse when she says 'be patient, the time invested in careful rehab will pay great dividends.' I know I have said that to my patients and friends many times and had to take the advice myself. Keep up your joyful spirit.

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