Today.

Ok, so I have some explaining to do.  Where the hell have I been since January????

Well, here it is in a nutshell.........I'm not sure where I've been for the last 10 months.  I'm really not sure at all.   A lot of it has been a blur.  My life has changed so much, sometimes I 

feel that it has been a bad dream, and I'm going to wake up soon.

Bill used to pick on me, and say, "oh you won't miss me when I'm gone."  

I wonder if he knows, just how wrong he was.

I'm managing everything, for sure.   Truth is though, you don't know how to fill that hole where grief 

resides, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Time.  

I know.

I have great family, and amazing friends, and I am so grateful for both.

They help me navigate this unimaginable loss.

And the studio, as always, is my savior.   There is nothing, next to my grandchildren,

that makes me as happy as letting my creative muse take over.

One big change is that I really don't care about the retail end of it.  I have tried, 

several times, to talk my self into getting pumped up (again) about retail, but it's just 

not happening

I will put stuff on FB, and I will build up inventory for the guild show

in the fall, and that's about as far as that goes.   

Today I thought how funny it is, that I used to joke that I wanted to be that strange old

lady in the big house that weaves.

And here I am.

I still bake and cook, although not as much.  That too is a comfort to me.

My kids, and a couple of friends, have informed me of my continual mention 

of death.  Mine in particular.  The end.  The inevitable.  When.  And how I am constantly 

getting my affairs in order as if it were imminent.

Which it could be.  Of course.

But just as likely, it's not.

And I realize that they are right.   Since walking in and unexpectedly finding my husband

expired, I'm afraid that my mind goes there more often than not.

I know that this is not good for me.

I'm just not sure how to stop it.

But I know that I need to get on with it, move forward with my life, however

I might perceive it, and I need to stop perseverating and stop being morbid.

Any passing advice??  Please.  

Feel free.   This is hard.

I am guilty of doing what most people do, and what I have done my whole 

life...........and that's trying to manipulate the future......trying to decide.....will 

I do this?  or this?   or maybe that?  And will that make my happy?

When the only real way to live your life.....I know this....I learned it a long time

ago, but still need to be slapped occasionally ........is to just LIVE TODAY.

STAY IN THE DAY.

So simple, but so difficult to do.

So my goal, if I have one, is not to write a book, or draw lots of houses, 

or weave wonderful garments, or dye beautiful yarn, or to go on vacation.

No.

My goal is to do today, to be as happy, and content, and comfortable as I can be

for this whole day, then to put myself to bed, to sleep, and rest up to do it all 

again tomorrow.

And tomorrow will be my today......and I will strive, once again, to 

do it justice.