I’m trying

And that’s all I can do.  That’s all anyone can do.

Just your best shot every day.

I am sure being tested.  I know that. Sometimes I try to figure out why, but most times I don’t even bother.

This, however difficult it is sometimes, is my reality.

It’s not always this bad, but for some reason in the  last seven years, I have had runs of wicked, pounding, unrelenting headaches.  Sometimes, like last Saturday AND today, I have the jagged light in my eye, and then the migraine.......on top of the headache I already have.

How is that possible?    I wish I knew.

Anyway, keeping it real, I admit to sometimes crying in the car.  Not sure why, but that seems like a good place.  I talk to myself, to my Mom.  I rant.  I let it all out.

Today was one of those days.

There isn’t a pain med going that helps.  I have considered marijuana. Really.  Which makes me laugh, because I have so hated it all my life.

Amazing what a certain level of pain will do.

And it really doesn’t matter what I do. Nothing really makes it better.

I will admit though, pulling a half dozen weeds from my daylilies did make it worse.

I stopped.

Every now and then I do something in an attempt to feel normal.

Sometimes it works, other times not so much.

I put this together today, after a nudge to get my brain to cooperate.

I call it the Möbi Shrug.

Hand dyed Tencel warp, rayon weft.

And I’ve been reading this.......saw it on another blog 

(you know who you are, and I thank you)

It certainly addresses my state of mind today.......staying where you are, and finding 

Whatever happiness you can find there.

Tough stuff

Still true. Making that choice.  Again....still.

Gratitude

I know you’ve heard me say it before.  But it bears repeating.

Gratitude IS the attitude. 

I got up this morning being so glad I didn’t have to go anywhere. I buzzed around, picking up the kitchen, when I noticed how grungy my silverware drawer looked.

Sure, I’ve noticed it before today, but today was the day. I emptied it, cleaned it, and threw  out half the stuff.

It felt great.

Then Naya and I walked 4 miles.  My body is desperately trying to hold on to this last 10 lbs, and I am just as adamant that it’s going.

Then I came in and cleaned the inside porch.

It was on my list of annoying things.

But on my walk, I was thinking about how I’ve been whining about the heat.  I do dislike it, truth.

But then I started listing the things I actually like about summer, the things I’ll miss when it’s over.

I’ll miss my day lilies.  They really are stunning.

I’ll miss lightning bugs, watching them at night from my bedroom window.

I’ll miss cucumbers straight from the garden, and oh, the tomatoes.....love the tomatoes.

I’ll miss fresh corn on the cob.

I love all the night sounds, when the nights are cool enough to leave the windows open.

I’ll miss the sounds of birds that fill the trees around this old house.

And cold, fresh melons.

I love sitting on my screen porch listening to the wind chimes on a breezy summer day.

It’s not all bad, and I’m trying to be grateful for the things I do like about it.  There are quite a few more than I realized.

Bales of hay in the field.

Eating Mexican on a table on the sidewalk downtown.

Zinnias, globe thistles, hydrangeas.

A bevy of very loud motorcycles just went by.

NOT on my list.

But soon fall will be here, and as much as I love fall, it won’t be here long enough.

Thank goodness, there’s a Loom for that.

Monsoon weather

I have been in a downsizing mood lately.  Maybe it’s the heat and humidity, maybe it’s the headache, but for whatever reason I am cleaning house.

I have been rearranging retail areas, while so many things remain packed for shows.

I emptied and yanked out a small hutch that always drives me mad, because it is crowded 

Into a corner at the end of the table, and you can never walk around the table, or get anything out of the hutch.

So it is currently residing on the porch and then it is leaving. Not sure where yet.

But the corner at the right of the table looks lovely and uncluttered.  It makes me happy.

I am also pleased with my “ Czech cooker” aka Remoska, which bakes up lovely things without heating the whole kitchen up.  These potatoes were easy and so good.

We are weaving dish towels, in between shows.

I

No two are ever the same.

Making some Shrugs.....they seem to sell well, and I like making them.

So today we had a show about an hour and a half straight north. Lois had a wedding, so daughter #1 went with me.

It started out with us taking a wrong turn, since DH’s truck has no GPS.  So we were a bit rushed to set up in time.  Then we found out that even though I paid for TWO spaces, we only had one.

There wasn’t time, nor did I have the energy, to deal with that.  So we lived with it.

The rest of the morning was hot, very, very hot.  We were sweating.

Business was slow.  The people walking around seemed less than enthused to be out in the heat.

Around noon time, I got the jagged light in my eye, my “ aura” for a migraine, on top of the daily headache that I always have.

Can I just say here, FML?

Ok, after a med, and sitting very still for awhile, it started to rain, lightly but rain nonetheless. 

So we pulled everything into the center of the tent.

It stopped, so we put everything back where it was.

Fifteen minutes, it started again.

Repeat. 

Then it stopped.

Repeat.

Then........it started to seriously rain. We really began to move things in, but the rain started coming sideways, so we started packing things in totes to keep them dry.

Then I realized that the clothes were starting to get wet.

I said:  enough.  We packed the truck. 

By the time we got all the product packed, and took the tent down and put all the display racks in the truck, it was like a monsoon.

We were both drenched.  Our clothes could have been wrung out.

We got in the truck.....the windows were down, btw, and we just started laughing.  I’m sure we looked pretty crazy.

It was 2pm when we drove away.  It was still pouring, all the customers were gone, some other vendors were wildly packing up, and we had a long drive home.

I felt bad that my daughter took one of her days off to do this with me, and it sucked so badly.

But she had a good attitude, she said it was our “ bonding” time.

We stopped for a beer and a sandwich, as we were both starving.  It was the best part of this long day.

I’m making a list .....you know the one......of things you don’t do anymore........maybe shows in HOT weather will show up there.

Adirondack Experience

Yesterday was the show at the Blue Mountain Lake Museum in Blue Mt Lake, N.Y., about an hour and a half drive.

It was a beautiful, cool morning.  Lois is the designated driver of the big ass truck that DH lets us use for shows.

We are very proficient at setting up. You could say we have it down to a science.

 

We have speculated on how long we actually want to do shows.

It’s hard work, and we aren’t exactly young any more.

We had the Structo to do some demo.  It definitely attracts attention.

The other day when Dale was here, she said “is that mine?”

I assured her that someday it would be hers.

 

I did a little playing with my iPad, which was fantastic for using Square.  I took pictures with it, and I’m doing this blog post with it, so we shall see how it goes.

I find that since I bought the iPad, I hardly use my laptop at all, which surprised me.

My headache is still doable, and let me just say I am incredibly grateful for every day it’s not a slammer.

It was a reasonably profitable day, which ended with me feeling a little like Edith Ann.

When I thought about it on the ride home, I realized that at this stage of my life I feel like that a lot, just a speck in a large beach of sand.

And all I can do is the best that I can do, on any given day. I think I am.

Yep.

About 4 days ago, after 5-6 weeks of a slammer, my head finally dialed down a couple of notches.  I continue to be mind boggled, never really knowing the reason.

Don't get me wrong.   I'm grateful......when you have a 10+ for that long.....a 7-8 is pure heaven on earth.

Perspective.

It's all about perspective.

I had this crazy idea that I wanted to use all the old windows that we took off this house, to enclose the chicken run.

The chickens really only go in the coop at night.....and in the winter when there is snow on the ground, they spend most of their time in here.

But every year we put plastic on the outside of it, and then tear it off half rotted in the spring.

So.....windows.....a permanent solar room for the girls.

Unfortunately, my carpenter wanted to frame the windows in and do it "proper".

I said, "I don't want it PROPER.  I want it FUNKY."

DH overheard me....and decided that it was going to be his summer project.  All I had to do was help him to get the windows out of the barn loft.


The stairs are almost vertical.  It's a two person job.

He told me that this was a perfect project for him, since he wasn't much of a carpenter.

I concurred.

He is filling in all the spaces with leftover wood we have.

The windows on the north and south ends are hinged, so they can be opened in the summer time.

I have done a lot of thinking about what I do, and the headache.   Well meaning advice is to stop weaving.  Stop moving, stop doing whatever might possibly be the reason.

Truth is.....I think anything and everything I do is the reason.   My neck does not turn from side to side.   My chin does not tilt in to put a fork in my mouth.......C1, 2, and 3 are fused....maybe even 4....not sure.

Because of that, all the vertebrae below that are affected.....they bear the brunt, so to speak.  They will wear out faster, disintegrate faster, fail quicker.

The muscles in my neck and back are also compromised, trying to adjust to a C spine that no longer has the natural curve than it had before fusion.

So there is really NOTHING that does not cause my neck stress.  Nothing.

Then there's this other issue, that I keep coming back to.

If you don't love your life, if you don't love what you do, and do what you love, then what is the point?
Really, what is the point??

I have adjusted my life greatly.....I don't do nearly what I used to do.  And there are some things, that I know are evil.........and cause immediate regret.

But weaving, no.   Weaving makes my heart sing.
And when my neck begins to complain, I stop.

But to give it up?  Entirely?

Never.    Just never.

I might as well "take that bridge".



Love what you do.   Do what you love.

It's that simple.

I'll have tough weeks......then I won't.   I'll forget them, until they come back.

I'll persist, until I can't.

Because as someone said, you can't really change who you are.

If you could, well, life wouldn't hardly be worth it, would it?