Pondering

Birthdays are funny things.  

It's just a day, isn't it?

For some reason though, it gets my brain cranking.  Yes, even more than usual.

I wonder that I got to be this old, and I find myself evaluating my life.

At the same time, because my first cousin's birthday was the day before mine, I mourn the loss of him, 14 years ago.
We grew up together, I called him my brother.  He was my protector right to the end.
He was always concerned for  my well being.
He was robbed of his retirement, seeing his grandchildren, finally enjoying the fruits of a long working life.  At 57, it was over.
Because of him, I retired from nursing in a maximum security prison right then, at 20 years.   He wanted me to, and I knew he was right.  I knew I had to grab my life back from it.

His sister, who was 4 years older than us, dropped dead on her kitchen floor, when she was 30.  Her children were there, one doing homework at the kitchen table, the other playing with his cars.
She was robbed of even more.   She never got to see her children grow up.  She never got to grow old.

Her children's lives were changed forever.

So here I am, 71 years old today, thinking about how fortunate I am to even be here.
The odds haven't been with me at times, but here I am.

Sometimes, not understanding life one bit.  Other times, thinking maybe I do get it after all.

Loving my family, my friends, this old house, my life most of the time.

Yet still feeling that there is something I need to do. That there is something else.  Calling to me.

Is it that way for everyone??

That suspicion that something is left undone?  Or is that just me, thinking the grass is greener over there.

This has been a very tough winter.  The flu at the beginning of December UNDID me.   I haven't felt myself since.  Then the headache, just generally not feeling that great.
And the snow.  And the ice.  And the cold.
It has really gotten to me this time around.

Maybe spring will make that feeling of something undone go away.

Or maybe not.

I wish I had a crystal ball sometimes.  

Why do I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop????

Relief

Today was a better day.....not totally headache free, but so much better.
I'll take it.
When a little relief comes, it is like a cool breeze on the hottest day you can imagine.
Sometimes, it makes me tear up.
I get defiant about the headache, and hate to shed a tear over it.
But I will shed one for the relief, and that's a fact.



My fave carpenter brought this rack that he made for me.  It's for scarves, and the top piece comes off for transporting to shows.
The dowels are a pants' rack that I bought some time ago.   I would like to buy another pants rack, just like it, to put on the other side of the pole.  Now I just have to find one.

I told you a while back about my "sewing table dreams".........and finally the countertop came in, and fave carpenter put it all together.

Castors wouldn't work, so he put a furniture mover under each cupboard, so I can easily pull it out from the wall, when I want to work on a quilt, and need to get around the whole table.

Can I just say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE it....and it is exactly what I envisioned.

There's space underneath it for my little rolling storage unit, when I'm not using it, and a stool, so I can actually sit and write at the table if I want.

Oh, yeah, I'm in heaven.
Doesn't take much, eh???   A doable headache, and a place to work.

DH calls Naya "my shadow"....she is never far from me.  Seems like she has decided that I'm her person.

That's ok with me.

I'm threading my little loom, and she is napping.

I only have to turn, and she is there.

I recently made a rug for my friend who lives in Georgia.

When she got it, she asked me how much she owed me.

I said, "Nyeh".......she grumbled, then she dropped it.

Probably because the last time she sent me a check, I sent her back a picture of it in little pieces.

So, the sneaky ********* sent me this, because she knew that I lusted after one.

I'm telling ya........doable headache, new sewing table, a Kitchen Aid, and some really good friends.
Oh, and a sweet pup.
What more could I want.

Today

It is 7am, and I am sitting with my coffee, the sun is pouring in after two days of fog and mist and nothing but white.

I have had two migraines in two days, complete with the aura, a jagged light in my eye.  The first one was  bad enough, but the second one knocked me down even further.   Both days lost to the general fog and malaise and trying to function through the headache.  Then this morning I wake up with another slammer, so I find myself a little anxious and sad.
I won't be making the hour trip to my grandson's first birthday today.    I'll be lucky to get the chickens tended to, and slog back to the couch.

I can read, I will try to keep my mind occupied with that, and maybe crosswords, and maybe a little TV, although that's last on my list.
And I am trying not to awfulize this, trying not to compare it to the first few years after my head injury when headaches like this were the menu for the day, every day.

It's easy to slip into the negative spiral of OH MY GOD, here we go again.  So I am trying very hard not to do that.
Talking to you all.
Putting my fears out there.
Sometimes that helps me to expose them for what they are:  thieves of my time, my hopes, my serenity.

Since that day when my life changed: August 11, 2011, ironically my father's birthday, I have tried to ignore (often) the limitations I experience every day.
I know I am not alone.
People all over the world live through events like this every day, and are grateful to survive them.

But still, it's not easy.  
I remember the doctor telling me that I would lose 30% range of motion of my neck, right and left.
I smile now, thinking of it.
That is the LEAST of it.  O.M.G, the very least of it.
But then, when I stop to really ponder the brain decompression, the cervical fusion, and the subsequent two surgeries to chisel out the extra bone in my head,  I wonder that I am still sitting here, talking about it.
Of course, my life changed.  How could it not???
I think, too, being in my 60's, impacted the whole situation.  Tough to plod through all that when you are older, I'm afraid.

But here I am, I can't say adjusting to the changes, because some things can never be adjusted to.  Accepting the changes, ah, now there's the rub.   Because I have to accept them.
Learning how to make the very most of the time I have left in this world, working AROUND those changes, that's where I am.

I don't have to like it, do I???

We all have a little nostalgia for the "younger" version of ourselves.   I think mine is just a little more pronounced, because that one day in my life catapulted me much further down the road than I expected.

So I shed a few tears, I give in to this headache today, and I hang on to the thought that soon I will feel better, good enough to get up, kick myself in the ass, and get back to it.

Amen and hallelujah.

February

Sometimes I get myself into predicaments.
Well intentioned, but still.

I bought this great shelving unit cheap.  It's on wheels, and has shelves on both sides.  It sat on my back porch for two weeks, while I tried to figure out how to get it into the house.
It would NOT come through the back door.
Too many obstacles.

So I finally bit the bullet.   It had to come through the front door.  I had a contact from craigslist, that was going to do some shoveling for me, so I called him.

He brought his girlfriend, who he assured me was very strong.

Apparently.

Finally.  Inside.

Lois calls it the "white elephant" in the room.

I spent today cleaning and organizing and filling it up.  The shelves on the side towards the wall have those things we seldom use, but have to keep.
And since it's on wheels, it's pretty easy to move out from the wall.

You might notice that I had to remove the bottom shelf on the wall unit, to make room.

My morning coffee view......
I love this old house.
And early morning is my favorite time of day.

This is the 12/2 RS cotton on the loom right now.

Being done with baby wraps, I feel quite free to weave whatever I want.  So I do.

Sometimes, I am not even sure what it will be when it comes off the loom.

But I'm very pleased with this one.

Building stock up is a good way to get through this weather.
Here are three more Möbius shawls.

Naya is a different dog, one month later.
She is totally comfortable, and settled.
It's a beautiful thing.

She has given up sleeping in the dog bed on the floor in my room.  She has taken up residence in my bed, right next to me.  
I love that she is happy, and she trusts me.

I tried some other colors on this bronze warp, but it seems to keep crying for red.
Who am I to argue???

Brrrr.

For some reason, this winter is getting to me.
It seems like I hurt everywhere with the cold, it goes right through me.
Old bones??
Every night, adding insult to injury, I have to go out and pick up one chicken and take her in.  She is determined to stay out and freeze solid.
I keep telling her that spring is coming.



Sydney  gives Naya a whack now and then, just to be sure everyone knows who is boss.  She has assumed Miss Puss's position.


Everyone has their preferred spots. Poor Jinksie's is still upstairs under a bed.  It will take another month for her to come around.

This girl has certainly eased the pain of losing Roy.  She is the most lovable creature I have ever met.

She has such a sweet soul, I think I want her to be a therapy dog.

Seems selfish, not sharing her lovely self.

She is also a little precocious.......she brought this from the kitchen, apparently, I was a few minutes late in feeding her dinner.

She is also NOSY.  VERY NOSY.

She discovers every possible place that she might investigate, through the cat doors, UNDER the stairs out in her yard.  Everywhere.

L has been busy, weaving up some Möbius shawls.   I weave towels, while she does this.   All the while building up stock for summer shows.

And the loom dog is never far away.

This one drove me fairly wild, because it continually looked like the fell line was crooked.....but of course, it wasn't.
I kept measuring anyway.

Once a week, I make sure to see this one, and her brother.  It makes winter bearable, lightens my heart, makes me smile.

In a world that I often do not understand, she makes sense.

We were painting here, and I put that dot on her nose.  She promptly reciprocated.

Touche'.