Goodbye.

This post seems unreal to me, I'm not sure how much I have to give to it.

So I'll be brief.

A few days ago, I lost my best friend.

Even though he had been sick for a long while, and declining in health, it was a

shock.

It was unexpected. 

An unattended death, they called it.

My head has been spinning since.   Trying to absorb it, trying to accept it.

I'll be ok, because that's how I roll,   He wouldn't want it any other way.

I hope that he is no longer feeling weak, and tired, and sick.

I pray that he is free of all of that, and if he is, then I'm willing to put up with this ache, 

until we meet again.

A New Day

It is the strangest of times, it seems.  The world has appeared to have gone mad.

Sometimes, I feel that my body has, as well.

I never imagined being 75, and I certainly never expected to have my body, that has served me well all my life, go rogue on me.

But it has.

The ablation was done April 26th, my heart has been all over the place, since.   I guess from all accounts, that this unsettled situation is normal for a heart that is healing from being assaulted.   But still, three weeks of constant atrial fibrillation, with a heart rate of 145, left me as worn out as an old dish rag.  I had a cardioversion scheduled for June 7th, but once again, my heart has taken charge, and now I am in a normal sinus rhythm.  

Top this off with an acute case of bronchitis, and the inability to do anything very physical, without provoking another bout of AF, and you have a humble new me.

I surrender, for now.   No pulling, pushing, lifting, exertion.  None.

Lots of time on the screen porch with the dogs and a good book.

You can imagine, that they don't mind at all.   And every little while, they hear a squirrel or some other imagined interloper out in the yard, and they tear off through the dog door to investigate.

I guess that's a pretty good dog's life.

Willie approves of my second hand newly acquired porch furniture, to go with my old glider.

Last week, I had some company, and that's ALWAYS a good day, 

When they weren't playing croquet out on the lawn, they were entertaining Willie and Naya.

And there's always coloring to be done.

We ended the day with pizza at our fave restaurant, which they loved.

I am definitely enjoying the new space where the barn used to be.  I thought I would miss it, but I don't.

The birds seem to love it too,  and I love watching them, and listening to them.

 I have certainly had a lot of time to ponder my situation.  Getting old is what I'm doing, the alternative is not being able to enjoy any of this.  I have a beautiful family, amazing friends, a comfortable home, my sweet dogs, and so much more.   Once again, I lean into the gratitude part of it all.

I sit here in the morning, thankful for a hot cuppa tea, the NY Times crossword, two white dogs trying to get closer all the time, the quiet of this time of day, the sun just peeking over the trees.  So much, so much to be grateful for.

I am saddened, as we all are, for the hate and violence and senseless deaths in our world.

And all of it reminds me that I only have this day.  The gift of this day.  

It reminds me to find the joy all around me, 

I seem to have misplaced the need for beating myself up, needing to do more, 

feeling like I wasn't good enough if I wasn't productive every second of every day.

Instead I find myself standing very still under the linden tree, to watch the bevy of

birds splashing in the bird bath I made from a table frame, a garbage can lid, and some stones.

There's a new serenity washing over me,  and I find myself so very OK with it.