The wait

Waiting, and trying not to wait.   

On one hand, I know that my upcoming ablation is probably going to make me feel like a normal person once again, thus the "wait", on the other hand, I hate making my life be about "the wait".  If that makes any sense.     The med regimen that the cardiologist has me on seems to be keeping the A Fib in check, but the side effects are a crappy trade off.  

I'm exhausted.

I get short of breath doing the simplest of things.

I'm mostly distracted.

Trying not to be a slug.

I get a few things done each day, trust me, not much.   I pace myself, simply because I have no choice.

Somehow this crazy drawing spree I'm on is calming to me.

My house.

The Baptist church, same vintage as my house, a few doors down the road.

The house I raised my kids in when they were really young, and yes, we had horses.

My little country house in Putnam Station, where I thought I would live forever.  How life 

surprises you sometimes, eh?

This is the back of my house now, the barn used to be there on the left,  right up

close to the house.

So far I have a folder of drawings......except for the ones of houses I have lived in, or the houses my kids live in,  they are made up.  And some of them are strangely alike,

almost as if I am trying to get this little village right.

After every one, I keep saying, "ok, that's it.  I've done enough."   

And I really think that I'm done.

Then the next night, I cannot seem to stop myself, and I'm at it again.

I'm kind of weirdly obsessed. 

I suppose there are worse things.  

I have even tried drawing other things......but nope, little houses

are what I really want to put on paper.

I have been trying very hard to keep a good attitude.  I suppose it's a carry 

over of the last two years, trying to find some normal, when everything seems quite

the opposite.   I struggled through the knee replacement, because I knew it

was the right thing to do.  I had hoped that there was light at the end of that 

tunnel, but then atrial fib took over my life.

I am trying to let go of some "pie in the sky" idea that everything has to 

be just right for me to be happy.

As you get older, life is going to bring unexpected problems, so if every duck 

has to be in a row, for me to be happy, then I might be very miserable.

So finding happiness, and peace, and contentment, when things aren't so "ducky", well

that's the rub, isn't it????

So if drawing little houses, with imperfect windows, and  complicated grassy areas, makes

me happy, then perhaps that's just what I should do.

After all is said and done, today is the day I have, and I damn well better appreciate it.

Checking in.

This is a photo from 3 years ago, when the Baldwin Corners trail that ran along the old canal was in its original state.  Fast forward after months and months of big machinery and construction work, and you could drive a truck down that path today. The trees that line it are long gone, and while it is part of the NY State Empire Trail, that spans 750 miles from NYC to Canada, and then across the state to Buffalo, it does not have the charm of the old pathway, and I miss it.

We have been experiencing some brutally cold weather, so I put this old heater on FB marketplace for free.  

I was inundated with messages, and the first person to inquire about it came and picked it up about lunch time.

He said, "we sure can use this",  and truth it was just in my way.

Far better repurposed and keeping someone warm, than sitting in my attic.

I felt that January needed some RED.....so these are the towels that are coming off 

the AVL.

They are bright and should warm up any kitchen.  I might have to keep a couple.

Finally after 6 months, my knee does not hurt every minute, and for that I am grateful.  It's been a long haul.  It could bend more, to be honest.  But I can do pretty much everything that I need to do, and I'm finally sleeping without constant pain.

But keeping it real, now I am dealing with something else.  I have actually had this issue since last January.  I guess I was hoping it would go away on its own.

I have paroxysmal  atrial fib.  I've been to a cardiologist and had testing done, and apparently  this is a common ailment among my age group.   

Terrific.

It comes and it goes, I might not have it for a month, and then I will have it every day for a week.  It's distressing, and annoying and I want it gone.

What I really want is to get off  the medication that I'm on that is supposed to  suppress it, 

because  I am not at all sure it does anything, other than making me tired all the time.

I'm scheduled for an ablation, which will hopefully put an end to it, but it's not until April.

So I just have to get from here to there.  

I'm trying to keep a good attitude, and I'm planning all kinds of ways to keep myself busy, and preoccupied.  One thing about winter, it's a great time to weave and sew.

I've come to the conclusion that getting older is quite often learning how to jump over one obstacle after another.  

"One day at a time" comes to mind, making the absolute best of every day.

And gratitude, always.

Years ago, in a very difficult time of my life, I had a small notebook that I wrote in daily, for a year.  Every day I wrote down 5 things I was grateful for.  It was a great exercise, it really helped. I never want to forget how blessed I am.

My family, my incredible friends, my dogs, my safe, warm home, my health with all its glitches, my life.

Be grateful first, bitch later, that's my motto.

Sesame garlic tofu with udon noodles, and broccoli.

Yum.