The Juggler rests.

Yesterday was a very long day.  No one can prepare you for carrying your mother's ashes to their final resting place.  Putting the urn in the wall with my father's ashes was something I never saw myself doing.
But then, you never see yourself saying goodbye to the two people who brought you into the world.  The ones you see bits of every time you look in the mirror.
My heart was heavy, while my head was filled with pictures of them throughout my life.

When my mother first died, I didn't cry.  I couldn't.  I wasn't surprised, really.

Back in 1973, when I was 26, and my first cousin, Jo Anne, was 30, she dropped dead on her kitchen floor, while her daughter was doing homework at the table, and her son was playing with his cars nearby.
I didn't cry then, either.  I just got very sick.  Then later, in about a month, the tears came like a flood.

Yesterday I cried, and I woke in the night crying.
Maybe that's why my head is about to explode, or it could be just that I am getting closer to surgery, and the damn bone is pressing on my brain harder than ever.


My Dad and Mom standing in front of The White Elephant.....my Dad's shop.

Heterotopic ossification.  That's what I have.  No one understands it, there is no cure.  A lot of soldiers come back from Afghanistan and Iran with blast injuries, and subsequent HO, which is what they call it.  I call it HH, as you know.
I have cried a lot this morning, in pain, and frustration.
The worst frustration of all, I am going to confess to you, is that most everyone I love does not want to hear the unvarnished truth of this, and they sure as hell don't want to discuss it.
I can tell YOU this.     I am not having any more surgery on my head after this week.  I am done.
I can't do it again.
I can barely bring myself to do this one.
So I feel PRESSED to make my bucket list, and get working on it.  How long do I have without a slammer???  That's the part that no one wants to talk about.
DH wants to keep his political job for 2 more years.
WTF?
My head might fall off by then.
I feel that I am burdening my blogging friends with my plight.
But here it is.   I want to sell the business, and hit the road.  I want to see as much as I can see of this beautiful planet, while I can.
Today I posted this on a few web sites:

After much thought, I am selling my very busy enterprise, Crazy as a
Loom Weaving Studio.  It can be run from anywhere, as it is primarily an
online business, with wholesale customers as well. It will include several looms, including a 7' Toika for custom rugs, thousands of lbs of fabric, selvedge, loopers, etc.  It
will also include a customer base, wholesale customer list,  a Constant
Contact list of 1200, all my stock rugs, placemats and more, the name
and rights to Crazy as a Loom.Also, the kits that I have created, the Hip to Be Square Looper Loom, the Walking on Sunshine rag rug kit.The Prime Mate monkey from Solmate socks, the Socketbooks, a barn FULL of sock seconds. And the web site, and domain.I
am listing it for what I think it a reasonable price.  All serious
offers will be considered.  You can reach me at crazyasaloom@aol.comAs I am soon having another surgery, I may not get right back to you, but I will.

Yup, it's time.  Maybe late, but time none the less.
I'll do what I can do, with whatever time I get that has a doable headache in it.   I have long given up the dream of "no headache".  That doesn't even exist in my world anymore.
I don't know what the future will bring me, but CHANGE is sure at the top of my list.

I guess it's never a good idea to think that your present situation is permanent.  It almost NEVER is.
Some scenarios last longer than others.  When I look back at how my life has evolved, at how many different times in my life there have been, I am amazed.
No less now.

I didn't see this coming.
I didn't want it.
Somedays I grit my teeth and bear down on it with all I have, just to get through it.
It has changed me.
It has changed my life.
One hundred years from now, it won't matter one whit.
All that really matters is today, tough or not.   This is the day I have.  I can bite my tongue and not say what is on my mind or in my heart.
Or I can let it rip.
You know what I choose.  I have never been good at the alternative.

Request.

I have a request for all my blog followers.  You know I am facing another trip to Great Neck, and another surgery.
Last time, I had some good books to read, and they got me through the  anxious days before the surgery, and when I started to heal, but couldn't do much of anything, they got me through those days, too.
Unfortunately, I have nothing to read, and my mind is a little overwhelmed at present, way too overwhelmed to go browsing through stacks and stacks of books.

I need your help.  I need book suggestions to take to the library.

You know the kind of book I'm talking about.............the kind of book you want to forgo dinner for, the kind of book you want to keep reading NO MATTER WHAT.  The kind you can't put down, the kind you don't want to put down.
I was reading one like that before my last surgery, and as soon as the anesthesia wore off, I asked for my glasses and my book.  Now THAT'S a good book.

So please, please, tell me your favorites, hook me up here with a list of books to get me through this.

Oh, and when you have a minute, check out my new granddaughter's photo shoot
HERE at Elario Photography

You're going to want to squeeze her.  I'm warning you.

Life goes on.

Bittersweet.  Being able to spend a couple of days with my new grand baby.
Free to do so because my mother is gone.

Ah, life.   So hard, so beautiful, all at once.  It's a wonder a body can take it sometimes.

I have somewhat been operating in a "limbo land".   Trying to adjust to the changes that have just occurred.   In some ways, I think it was easier that I had months to prepare, and in other ways, I wonder, because those months took their toll.
But I am moving forward, because that is what is best.   It is, in fact, the only way.

Soon I will have my mother's affairs all in order.  I still have to convince myself that she is really gone.   That may take a long, long time.

Then I will be moving on to "get my head straight".  Sorry, I couldn't resist THAT ONE.

In some ways, I am in a bit of disbelief that this is really my THIRD surgery on my freaking head in 14 months.   Seriously??  I wish there were another door, but the rest are nailed shut.  This is the one.

As always, I may be offline for a bit, but someone will post something.  Hopefully, they will post  that the surgery is done, it was a success, and that I am moving all extremities.  And cracking jokes.

Right now though, it seems that this little girl affirms all that is good and right with the world.
And I'm taking that to heart.

 

Meet Baby Dale.

"Miserable people focus on the things they hate about their life.

Happy people focus on the things they love about their life."

That does seem like  a no brainer, doesn't it?

Up up and away

It's been a long 6 months, since my mother's health went south.
And it wasn't her fault that it decided to take that trip a week after I got home from the second surgery to my head.
So to say it's been tough time for all would kind of be understating it somewhat.

On the other hand, I had these last six months to prepare myself for what was coming.   I was also a working RN for 30 years, so I've seen my fair share of death and dying.
I knew what to expect.  I got ready in a hundred different ways.
Last week, the finale LOOMED.

At one point, while my first daughter and I sat watching my mother's breaths, I had a revelation.  I told her that we should start cleaning and organizing my mother's belongings, instead of sitting here morbidly waiting for the end. My mother was in the room, but long past communicating.  She was as comfortable as we could make her.
So we sorted and separated, reminisced and remembered, and it seemed like we were sharing it all with her.  There were times we laughed at the bits of things she had stashed. And lots of times we cried when we came across mementos she had cherished.

 Every drawer we opened reminded us of another point in time, another part of my mother's long life.

We kept a few sets of clothes aside, as if a miracle were going to occur, and all the rest we packed up to donate to her favorite church thrift store. 
At one point, my daughter turned to me, and said " I wasn't sure that this was a good idea, but it has actually been very therapeutic."  A couple of times, family and friends came in, and we were aware that our behavior might be interpreted as a little bizarre.  But we weren't doing it for anyone else , we were doing it because we had to keep moving.  We were doing it because it was our way of processing, and grieving.


By Sunday morning, we were spent.  The place looked great, but we were tired, since we had barely a few hours sleep for three days and nights.  Sunday more family came, and we knew the end was near.
It came, with us holding her, and letting her go.

As we speak, my mother is having her most awesome out of body experience.  She is free at last of that old, worn out body that has plagued her for a long while.

I will always love her, and I will always miss her.
But I cheer for her, because I know she is now without fear, without pain, without hindrance.

Rock on, Momma.   Rock on.
 

And life goes on.

The last several days have been pretty much indescribable.  

There is a lot of sadness watching my mother fail a little every day, and a lot of stress trying to take care of her.


But then on the other hand, there is joy.   Pure, unbridled JOY.

Still taking it a day at a time.  Dealing with "what is".

I threw together some crock pot enchiladas, that I just had to share with you.

I started with a recipe I had bookmarked, but soon got a little crazy and did my own thing.

Crock Pot Enchiladas-A Variation.

First I sauteed a green pepper and a large onion, both diced.   Then I added  soy crumbles.
Smart Ground (Mexican style) by Lightlife.

 But if you eat meat, you can add hamburger.

I browned these all together.  Then I poured in  (1)  21 oz can of Bush's  Grilled Beans, Texas Ranchero style.....drained.

 Then I tossed in a can of Rotel  diced tomatoes...........mild.

 Then I added an envelope of chili seasoning.

I put two wheat tortillas overlapped on the bottom of my crock pot. 
I then put 1/4 of the bean mixture on top of the tortillas, and then 1/4 of an 8 oz bag of shredded Colby cheese.
I repeated this a total of 4 times.
Then I poured one can of enchilada sauce over the whole thing.

 Now normally DH would turn his nose up, but it DID smell pretty good, so he said he would give it a try.
Two helpings later, he said, "don't change that recipe in ANY WAY".
That's a thumbs up, for sure.

 I loved it myself, and I bet the leftovers are even better.

 As much as I've had on my plate, and as much as I have facing me, I am still hopeful.

That's the power of  a positive attitude. Sometimes I don't know where it comes from, but  I think I'll keep it.

Welcome Baby Dale.

When your baby is having a baby, there are no words.

 

 

 

My family is joyeous.   There is no other way to say it.

My little girl has her own little girl.

 

 Two little dolls.

Like I have said many times before, no matter how tough times can be,  it is still a 

beautiful life.  There is so much to be grateful for.

For Kate

 A picture is worth a thousand words.

This versus that.

This is one of the craziest, most intense, happiest, and still the saddest, most difficult, and most wonderful, times of my life.
How can that be?

Well, it just is.
My grandbaby, Dale, is soon to arrive.  My heart sings.  I get tearful, and so excited, I can barely stand it.
       

My mother is leaving us, slowly, but surely, and it breaks my heart.

My surgery is scheduled in a few weeks, at the same time too soon, and not soon enough.

Life is full of so many contradictions, it's hard work sometimes, to sort them out.

This morning, on the way to feed the cats at the studio, before I rushed back home, the contradictions were rampant.


I found myself smiling at a truck in front of me, the man talking to his dog who was sitting in the passenger seat, like a friend.  The man would lean towards the dog, and say something, the dog would lean into the man, as if he were listening intently.
It made my heart glad.  He didn't put his best friend in the back of the truck, to take his chances.  He put him in the front, WITH him.  I could tell that his dog was part of his life, and it made me so happy.

Then I get to the roundabout, where it should work effortlessly, like a dance, cars should glide through the circle, in a sweet slow motion.  But no, some jackass has to gun it through the circle, to get in front of someone he thinks he needs to be in front of.  In an instant, I experience the need to yank him out of his car, and slap him.
You see what I mean??
There are contradictions EVERYWHERE.

I feel that way most days, pulled this way, and that.   Happy, sad, strong, scared, together, clueless.

One thing I do is continue to stay busy.  It works for me.
More donuts, per request of youngest daughter.

 

 But can I just tell you that it is not good to have these on the kitchen counter.....not good at all.
Good thing that two of my daughters made off with a bunch of them.

 And I am getting ready to put 75 yards on the AVL.  That means that I need 40 spools with 900 yards on each.  That is quite a job in itself.  I think I have 10 left to wind.

I've been picking up free things by the side of the road.......tell me you could have resisted this???

My youngest daughter, the expectant one, said......"do you mean to tell me my daughter is going to get hurt on this thing?"
I said, " I doubt it, you didn't get hurt when you had one."
And THIS ONE plays MUSIC.
AND has protective plastic over the springs.  HA!

Roy, well, he is practicing for this next surgery....he is my stay at home nurse for that first couple of weeks when I am down for the count.
He is already SO GOOD AT THIS.

Yup, life is full of contradictions.  Good and bad. 
But in the end, I think that the positives rule.  I have to believe that.

Meet the Help.

Most days lately I have been spending all my time at home, not wanting to leave my mother alone.

But truth is, I need a break on occasion, and luckily I have someone trustworthy that will sit with her two or three times a week.
Today was one of those days.
I got to spend a few uninterrupted hours at the studio, and can I just tell you, it was GRAND.

Tammy ( my apprentice before Lois) and Lois, were working on a 7x10 Walking on Sunshine rug.
L and I made two that size, one to Montana, and one to Oregon, but it doesn't make my neck feel real good, and makes my headache worse, so they are doing this 3rd one, which is actually Tammy's WEDDING PRESENT,  without me.
It's a BIG JOB.
Much to their dismay, I videotaped them at work, so you can see what a job a rug this big really is.


Don't they rock????   Really????

Oh, btw, Lois is NOT  a midget...but she is doing the side that I usually do, and I'm tall.  So in order to REACH the treadles, she is sitting on a tiny little stool.  It's awful to be short.

Right, Chica???
Happy Anniversary to Tammy and Shawn!!!

Yes, I'm bad.

I refuse to say "My bad" because I think it sounds ridiculous.  It's bad English.  And deep down in my heart, I'm an old English major.
Still.
Good grief.  I refuse to give in to nonsense like that.  What ever happened to just good old swear words.
You know the ones I mean.
My father used to be a "sailor", in the United States Navy, and he knew how  to swear like one.
Today we  string words together in a silly way, and expect people to smile and understand.

But I apologize, for my absence.
Here's the truth, because you know I'm going to tell you the truth.

I have had incredibly tough headache days, where I was banned from approaching all the bridges in the surrounding area.

And my mother is dying.
Is there a nicer way to say that?   Maybe, but that's what is happening.  Her heart is failing, and Hospice is helping us help her through whatever time she has left.
So my children and grandchildren have been here a lot, and it's been a little hectic.
I have only been to the studio for quick visits here and there.  Lois is holding down that fort.

I have been home the rest of the time.
When she rests, I take Roy for walks around the block, or I sew for my grandgirls.

The jean skirt from an old pair of jeans is on YouTube, just google it if you want to make one.

The skirts with the fabric on the bottom are just something I whip up, I measure the fabric to be TWICE around the bottom of the jeans where I have cut them off.
Then just measure the length you need.
Very easy.

They're fun and different, and I love making them, especially because I know that soon they will be older and won't want Mimi to make them skirts.  They won't be "cool" anymore.
So I love doing it NOW.

 I have a SKYPE with my doctor next Friday.  The 13th.  Yes.   Perfect.

This morning, I woke up and knew right away it was a better day headache wise.  Hallelujah.
Only a 6-7.   I wanted to cheer, and dance, but I knew I should be careful.

Youngest daughter came, and while my mother slept, we decided to make GLAZED PUMPKIN DONUTS.   I found the recipe over at Shine's Thyme.    I'm not sure if I should thank her, or throw rocks at her.
OMG, they are so GOOD.  And they had to be tested, you just know they did.

 We made a mess, but it was fun.  It was just the kind of diversion we needed right about then.

  

I think that as a family, we just need to spend time together, and we have.    It's good, for us, and for my mother.

We glazed some, and we left some plain, and we shook some in sugar and cinnamon.

 

DH kept appearing around the corner to STEAL one.

 So yes, I'm ok, in the broadest sense of the word.
I am doing one day at a time. 
I keep trying to remember that right now is really all that I have.
Right NOW.
Which I think calls for a donut.