Crazy as a Loom

Saturday, June 23, 2018


It's probably a good thing not to get too comfortable, so much so that you think that there are no more bumps in the road.

Because it's just not true.  Ever.

Since my little episode of finger numbness, I have once again had the headache from hell.   Has it been three weeks?   I think so.    It has been so intense, it has actually made me wake up from a sound sleep, many nights.   With no break, I get frazzled, occasionally weepy for no other reason.  I feel off track, a little disoriented.    I try to keep busy and not think about it, but how does one ignore something that feels like a weight over your eyes; and sometimes a knife sticking in one of them.  And my neck, oh, my's a constant ache that nothing much helps.

Hard, let me just say that.  It's hard.

So finally, I emailed my surgeon.  Haven't talked to him in a few years, so honestly wondered if he was retired, or if he would even answer.
But he did, within a couple of hours.

There are apparently several reasons why this may be could mostly be related to posture, muscles in my fused neck, etc.  If that is the case, then physical therapy might help.

The other possibility is that the screws in my neck could have backed out a bit, pressing where they shouldn't be pressing.   You can probably guess the fix for that.

So I'm having a CT scan this week, to see if there's an answer, and a direction to head into.

I will say this:   when your head has slammed for weeks, night and day, and it's hard to even concentrate, you don't really care how they make it only care that maybe they can.   And, you'll pretty much do anything.
Which brings back the incredibly unpleasant memory of waiting to go into that first surgery, signing papers that they kept bringing in, my daughter nervously sitting by my stretcher, just wanting them to DO IT.  PLEASE.   NOW.

OK, there, I've got that off my chest. I have been living with a low grade headache for so long,  and gotten so used to it, I was beginning to think that I was home free.  I put those awful times away, along with  the fear that I  might not be able to withstand it all.  Like childbirth, I put it all behind me, and forgot the pain, forgot the way it takes over, and changes you.

But like childbirth, once it's reality again, you remember all too well.   You can't believe that you actually forgot about it.

Unfortunately, there isn't the reward here, that comes with giving birth to a child.

I've only been weaving a little, here and there.    I can't do more.   I haven't been gardening, or doing yard work either.

I've kept up my walking with Naya, and I'm still losing weight, which is encouraging at least.

I've been reading, and did a little retail therapy.   I bought a car.  Ha!!!

Who knows how stable I really am mentally.   Now there's a good question.

I recently dyed this bamboo.....a beautiful blue.

So when I saw this Subaru Forester, I fell in love.

I adore this car.

I also bought this little Structo loom......hard to find in this great condition.
We'll take it to shows, and use it for demo.

I weave in short spurts.....half hour here, half hour there.  It's not exactly what I want to do, but it's what I need to do.

Restocking möbius shawls for upcoming shows.

This one is cotton and hand dyed bamboo.

Today, I did very little....picked up my new car, came home and read all afternoon, with heat on my neck.

Sometimes, I just have to give in, even though it's really not in my nature.

I feel bad bitching, I think about my blogger friend, Vicky Westra, and I  know that she deals with much worse than this, and she does it with grace, and courage, and she inspires me......every day.

When I think some days, that this is just too much....I can't do it........something kicks in, and I know that I can.   I know it because Vicky has shown me, and so many others, how it's done.
One day at a time, one minute at a time, not letting go of hope for one second.   Taking this day, and being so grateful for it, no matter what.


A Brit in Tennessee said...

Ooh, dear Hilary, so very sorry to read you are once again dealing with these excruciating headaches.
I've suffered my share of migraines but couldn't possibly relate to all you have been through over the past years.
Sending get well wishes your way, and praying the surgeon has the wisdom to find the solution and put an end to these for once and for all.
Still weaving the most beautiful items, despite the obstacles.
What a trooper.
Hugs and healing wishes,

deodar said...

So sorry to hear. Having dealt with a low grade headache for years I can sympathize, anything is better than the smashing head bangers. On a hopeful note, I just heard from my aunt today, she's been suffering with a painful hip, almost taking away her ability to walk, it was a screw from a previous fracture that had backed out. She had immediate relief after surgery to correct that.

Lori said...

Such bad headaches are hard to deal with. I used to get migraines so know a bit about what you are going through. I hope it is a simple fix like the screw and things improve.

Love your mobius shawls. When i get time to start weaving again, i want to try making some.


Lori said...

Such bad headaches are hard to deal with. I used to get migraines so know a bit about what you are going through. I hope it is a simple fix like the screw and things improve.

Love your mobius shawls. When i get time to start weaving again, i want to try making some.


Melissa said...

Bitch as much as you feel like, rest as you can, and work with your doctor. I hope a solution is found quickly!!!

DJan said...

I also hope the doctor can find a solution. What a difficult thing to have a constant pounding headache. I am sending you all my sincere best wishes for a cure, or at least a respite.

Peg Cherre said...

I honestly don't know how you, or anyone else with chronic awful pain, deal with it. I don't think I could. Hoping the CT is clear about what can be done to relieve your misery.

That completed seashell mobius is STUNNING!

Just read a great book you might like - 500 pages - The Dovekeepers by Alice Hoffman. Or how about The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon, also great.

Joanne Noragon said...

Hooray for the CT scan, and I hope it is definitive, and gives your surgeon the answers. Best wishes!

Cindie said...

My heart goes out to you. I hope the CT brings some answers.

justjill said...

Fingers crossed you get sorted. You sound perfectly sane to me. x

Florida Farm Girl said...

OH, I so hope that some way will be found to relieve your constant pain. Bless you for keeping on during the process.

Deb said...

I want you to feel better so badly. I hope today is a good day for you. xo

Lydia La La said...

I just beg of you not to let the guy that did your surgeries to touch you again. Go elsewhere, please....
You are so amazing to work, let alone want to work with debilitating pain. Give yourself a break! Have you tried the Tapping or EFT method for pain relief? Sending healing vibes across the oceans to you. Good to read that you bought another car. Pretty exciting!

Christine said...

Oh no. I was hoping you had found a permanent solution. I know exactly what you mean about how the pain wears you down. Hang in there.

Karen said...

Hoping you get good CT scan results - and the answer is physical therapy and STOP THE WEAVING WHILE YOU HAVE IRRITATION/INFLAMMATION! - even for those half hour stints - it matters. My husband has had debilitating neck pain for a long time now, and the answer after diagnostics was physical therapy, which is helping. It has helped me with the awful neck/back pain/spasms too. The PT told him - posture - at all times, every minute of every day, matters. Don't do the things that are wearing on your aggravated areas - weaving is definitely one of them.

Adie Das said...

Just found your blog. Intend to follow.
So sorry for the neck problems.
You make such beautiful weavings!
Love from Amsterdam

farmer's wife weaving said...

You are a tough cookie, keep marching to your own drum - the CT scan will be what it will be and you will adjust accordingly. I am sorry for your pain, but I am proud of your ability to keep on keeping on. Sending healing thoughts your way. The new shawl is stunning!!!!

amyfibre said...

Oh drat is right. Actually, I'm saying much nastier things on your behalf. I'm so sorry you've facing another bump in the road. And I have confidence that you will weather it, adjust and move on in a new direction as needed. You constantly inspire me to adjust my own perspective as needed. Sending healing love and light.

PS - would you be willing to share the dimensions of your mobius fabric before sewing? I'm getting tired of weaving shawls and think this would be a great alternative. Since yours sell so well, I'm thinking you have settle on good all-around dimensions for the public. Thanks. said...

I can't even imagine that kind of pain, day in day out and not even being able to sleep. I so hope your surgeon can fix this for you, and as painlessly as possible. Take care.

Daryl said...

while my sinus issues are far less severe than your neck issues, i totally get it .. but i also know from reading this blog that you push yourself ... i also know you wont change, none of us will change we are who we are ... i hope its really a matter of posture, of too much weaving which is way easier (or is it) to deal with than a fix of the screws ...

Connie in Hartwood said...

I think of you often, admiring how you have persevered through your injury, surgeries, and dealing with the life change that the pain has brought. Tough times mean that only the important things get done. Dog walks are top of the list, I see. I love that.

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