Today I was walking Roy and the thought ran through my head that I needed to call my mother.
Of course, I immediately teared up, my throat got tight, and I felt that sharp pain of loss that sneaks up on me sometimes with no warning.
Then I remembered something that a friend of my daughter said.
"When you miss talking to her, just talk to her."
So I did.
Walking the 3 miles to the beach, with the wind blowing and the sun beating down from a clear blue sky, I talked to my mother.
I told her how much I missed her, and how sorry I was that the last two years of her life, I was so miserably in pain. I was often short with her, and I know that without the headache from hell, I could have been a better daughter. A better caretaker.
I told her I was trying to get better.
I told her that I loved her, and always would.
There have been times in my life when I couldn't cry, when it was ok to cry.
But those tears always catch up to me later, I am vulnerable when I least expect it.
Someone I love recently told me that there had been so much loss lately.
I understand that.
Loss, and change.
They seem to come together.
But everything I lose, and every change that comes down the pike, makes me treasure my life just that much more.
Every breath, every single moment.
I am so grateful for the friends and family that have stood by me. I couldn't have done it without them.