You did it.

While I am totally against any form of dieting at my age, I am painfully aware that all winter long I have been eating in ways that are not necessarily good for me.

So I'm just trying to eat better.  Cleaner.

I haven't eaten meat in 14 years.......wow, that's incredible to me.  Seems like yesterday.

Unfortunately, sometimes not eating meat, I tend to fill up with carbs, and that is not a good thing.

I am totally stuck on this draft.  Something about the texture is so appealing to me

that I just don't get tired of it.

So I decided to tie on my next warp, and do the same draft all over again in 

different colors.

I chose pastels.

I really have no idea WHY, because I am not really a pastel kind of girl.

The first towel turned out "ok", I guess you could say that its pretty, but to be

perfectly honest, it did nothing for me.

So I decided totally ignore my choice of warp colors, and do whatever came to mind.

While they are not everyone's cuppa tea, they make me happy, and that's what counts.

My love of the texture continues, and I have no idea how long I will be weaving 

these towels.   I guess I will weave them until I don't.

And that's ok, too.

Someone at my house has a ball obsession.

Not saying who.

Yesterday was a lovely rainy day, so I made detox lentil soup.

It's the bomb, and definitely one of my faves.  It's pure comfort.

I love to read, but I admit that my reading habits are probably weird.

I read several books in a row, devour them really, and then I'm done.

I won't read for a week, or 2, or 3, or even more.  

Then, suddenly, I will be reading again, and I will read like I can never 

get enough.

Until I don't.

What's up with that?

My new favorite author is Paul Harding.   The book that won the Pulitzer Prize, was The Other Eden.   I just finished that one, and went on to read the second one, Tinkers.

His mastery of the English language is fierce.  I just love him.  Here is an excerpt

that spoke to me.

And yes, I am still drawing.   It's all coming from some dark corner of my head,

I scarce want to know where.

I feel like I might have my second wind here, I hope you all don't get sick of reading.

  It's your own fault, you are too encouraging. :)

Back so soon

I can't tell you how much your comments meant to me.

I guess I had forgotten how healing it has been writing this blog over the last16 years.

This lamp is one of my favorites, and I remember clearly the day I bought it at a garage sale in Wells, Me., on one of our trips.   My husband and I went to Maine every May and October.  Good memories.

On my  list of things to do, was repotting some of my house plants.  This Oxalis was pretty root bound, and needed a new home.  It was so uncooperative, and I dumped it upside down on my potting table.  Luckily, it forgave me pretty quickly, and I think it's going to thrive.

Last year I had my screen porch "rehabbed", unfortunately the screen was not put

on very well,  and is coming off.  So this year, I have to put new screen on it.......again.   Annoying, 

to say the least.  But the dogs and I spend so much time out there, that I have to 

bite the bullet and get it done.

It's the best place to relax with a good book.

I bought a rug on sale at Lowe's, to spruce it up.

We love our porch.

Dale rocking her short hair cut!  She loves it, and so do I.  I love the confidence in

someone so young.  Even though all the other girls have long hair, she was 

quite certain about what she wanted.

Willie loves everyone, but he seriously loves "his kids".

And they love him!

Got my new labels in the mail.  I mostly use them on towels.  I get them from Quality Woven Labels.  They do such a great job.

On another one of our trips, I came across Tajin.......a spicy concoction

that you can put on fresh fruit.

It's very addictive.

Driving in the rain the other day, I thought about this past year.  I think sometimes that I have totally bored my friends with complaints and general "whinging" (English expression).

You all have the option of hitting the x on the top of the page, but my friends not so much.

The crux of it is this:  I feel like I have experienced a concerted assault on my person for the last year, physically, with 2 ablations, 2 cardioversions,  2 months of a horrible medication, Covid, and then 2 root canals 3 weeks apart, plus  recurring hip pain.   Then, of course, emotional and mental pain after losing my husband, who was my best friend.  Some days I think I should be very depressed, and I'm surprised that I am not.

So I've been in Normal Sinus Rhythm since October, and I am feeling physically much better, getting over all the nasty side effects from  the medications I had to take.  The effects of Covid  still bother me, for instance, my headaches are worse since Christmas when I had Covid, and I still am fatigued a lot of the time.  

I have started seeing my Osteopathic Doc again, for Osteopathic Manipulative Treatments, which are nothing like they sound.   He did wonders for my headaches years ago, so I am hoping that he can help again.

What I want more than anything is to feel like myself, and to be honest, I don't.  I haven't felt like myself for the last year.

I suppose that is to be expected.

Truth is, there is no preparation for losing someone, which is awful really, when it's an inevitable part of life, and particularly a part of aging. 

Once again, I realize that 'one day at a time' is the only way to get through any of this.

This morningI got up at 5;30, made some tea, and got on the couch with my dogs.   I promptly dozed off

to the sounds of rain on the windows.  Is there anything more soothing???

I needed that extra half hour of sleep, and these days I am kinder to me, and I let it happen.

I go with the flow, so to speak.  I weave when I want to weave, read when I want to read, rest when my body says it's time.  In other times, I would have ignored my  body, and pushed on to make more "product".   Not today.

Today, and finally, I do what feels perfect in the moment.

Maybe it took a year of being in "the bucket", to realize the importance of taking care of me.

Today.

Ok, so I have some explaining to do.  Where the hell have I been since January????

Well, here it is in a nutshell.........I'm not sure where I've been for the last 10 months.  I'm really not sure at all.   A lot of it has been a blur.  My life has changed so much, sometimes I 

feel that it has been a bad dream, and I'm going to wake up soon.

Bill used to pick on me, and say, "oh you won't miss me when I'm gone."  

I wonder if he knows, just how wrong he was.

I'm managing everything, for sure.   Truth is though, you don't know how to fill that hole where grief 

resides, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Time.  

I know.

I have great family, and amazing friends, and I am so grateful for both.

They help me navigate this unimaginable loss.

And the studio, as always, is my savior.   There is nothing, next to my grandchildren,

that makes me as happy as letting my creative muse take over.

One big change is that I really don't care about the retail end of it.  I have tried, 

several times, to talk my self into getting pumped up (again) about retail, but it's just 

not happening

I will put stuff on FB, and I will build up inventory for the guild show

in the fall, and that's about as far as that goes.   

Today I thought how funny it is, that I used to joke that I wanted to be that strange old

lady in the big house that weaves.

And here I am.

I still bake and cook, although not as much.  That too is a comfort to me.

My kids, and a couple of friends, have informed me of my continual mention 

of death.  Mine in particular.  The end.  The inevitable.  When.  And how I am constantly 

getting my affairs in order as if it were imminent.

Which it could be.  Of course.

But just as likely, it's not.

And I realize that they are right.   Since walking in and unexpectedly finding my husband

expired, I'm afraid that my mind goes there more often than not.

I know that this is not good for me.

I'm just not sure how to stop it.

But I know that I need to get on with it, move forward with my life, however

I might perceive it, and I need to stop perseverating and stop being morbid.

Any passing advice??  Please.  

Feel free.   This is hard.

I am guilty of doing what most people do, and what I have done my whole 

life...........and that's trying to manipulate the future......trying to decide.....will 

I do this?  or this?   or maybe that?  And will that make my happy?

When the only real way to live your life.....I know this....I learned it a long time

ago, but still need to be slapped occasionally ........is to just LIVE TODAY.

STAY IN THE DAY.

So simple, but so difficult to do.

So my goal, if I have one, is not to write a book, or draw lots of houses, 

or weave wonderful garments, or dye beautiful yarn, or to go on vacation.

No.

My goal is to do today, to be as happy, and content, and comfortable as I can be

for this whole day, then to put myself to bed, to sleep, and rest up to do it all 

again tomorrow.

And tomorrow will be my today......and I will strive, once again, to 

do it justice.

Think spring?

I always love to share things I've found that work well, or just improve my life in some way.

My Le Creuset  NONSTICK frying pan, that was very expensive, only lasted a couple of years, before the nonstick surface was no more, and I do not own any metal spatulas, so I know that I am not responsible.

So I asked a friend, who is an avid chef, in my opinion, and she suggested this Swiss brand, Carote.  It is a nonstick graniteware frying pan, $35, and so far I love it.

I have been obsessed  busy with dyeing warps to sell, and so far they have been 

flying out of here.

I had to decide how many threads, how long to make the warp, but for now I've settled on

300 threads, 8 yards long, until someone tells me that they want something

different.

I admit to amusing myself with this.  I love it.

This, of course, has prompted me to try to refine my process, make it smooth and as trouble free as possible. I've been working out the steps of my dyeing process so that it is as easy as I can make it.

 I think I'm getting it.

Before this awful cold snap we've been having, the weather was just lovely, and walking

the dogs was not painful, like it has been this week.

 

But weather will not keep these two out of the hot tub.   To say that they love it is an understatement.

I have discovered that life goes on, no matter how much you expect that grief should stop it cold in its tracks.

Doing what is right in front of me seems to be the best medicine.  Also, a routine, albeit a new routine.

I try very hard to keep busy all day, and in the evening it's time to chill on the sofa with Naya and Willie.

That's Sydney soaking up the heat in front of it.

The cold front that has swept in makes me more of a hermit than ever, I'm afraid.

I'm not entirely sure that's a bad thing.

Dyeing with all these luscious colors makes me happy and lightens my mood every time.

There's also a great feeling of satisfaction in turning No color into something like this.

These three are also a dose of sunshine and happiness.

Every time.

Two more weeks of January, and it seems like spring is just around the corner.  I know, 

I am inappropriately hopeful.

In other news, my bathroom ceiling looked like it was beginning to show signs of deteriorating, and believe me, you do not want lathe and plaster to start coming down.

So my handy neighbor and his helper have been replacing the ceiling, painting and making the upstairs bath look pretty brand new.

Walking the yard the other day, I realized that there are branches down everywhere.......so there's a job for spring.

That's ok.   I still want spring to come soon.  It can't come soon enough.

Moving on.

This is the view I see while drinking my morning cuppa tea.  I always start my day the same way.......after the dogs have been out, they snuggle with me on the couch, while I do the NY Times crossword.

I know I have been AWOL for a while.  I apologize. 

 It seems that I have been busier than I expected.

The Hudson Mohawk Weavers guild show took place on Black Friday weekend, and I was very pleasantly surprised at how much product I sold.

Then I came home, and decided to have a half price sale........and that too was wildly successful.

A couple of friends were concerned that I was getting rid of too much stuff........but honestly it felt good.....freeing in fact.   It was time for some hand woven items to move on out , to make room for new things, and to inspire me to get creative and change things up.

I'm totally loving that.  I am feeling unencumbered by the need to produce, and that allows me to be spontaneous with what I dream up.

The other event in my life, that kept me pretty occupied, was a yarn venture.

A weaving friend of mine, who lives in Maine, was liquidating her yarn business, and she made me an offer that I couldn't refuse.   

I pondered it for several days, and in the end, I just couldn't find enough reasons NOT to do it.

So I called my daughter, and frequent partner in these kind of off the wall trips, and we met my friend in NH one Saturday afternoon.

Here we are, after picking up the yarn, transferring a loom, and generally heading home.  We were starved, and found this great Mexican restaurant, where they make the guacamole right at the table.

And the beer was yummy.  We figured we deserved it.

Just to give you an idea what 500 lbs of cones of weaving thread looks like............

There's more, but you get the idea...........

My goal is to sell a lot of this yarn,  make enough to keep a lot of it, with the end result that I don't actually pay for any of it.

If that makes sense.  

So I decided to wind warps, and sell hand dyed warps to other weavers.

This was my inspiration picture.

Probably the last time I will be dyeing on the inside porch, it is much too cold.

I think I nailed it, don't you??????

I love to dye, and I figure that this will be a great winter project.  

This is my first winter here without DH.  I don't have to tell you how incredibly different it is.

Keeping focused really helps.  

This is my new weaving corner.  The AVL used to be here, with all its electronics, and wires and cables.

This Louet, that I call Big Lou, is just what I need right now.  It's simple, but a joy to weave on, 

I just put 18 yards of hand dyed mulberry silk on it.

I think this will occupy me for a good while.

Only another weaver can appreciate the feeling,  when you get up in the morning, and you can't wait to get to the loom, to get weaving on whatever your project is.

That's how this makes me feel.

A lot of people have asked me "how are you doing?"   The implication is that the holiday season is going to level me, and that being alone is the worst possible scenario.

Those suggestions have prompted me to do a lot of thinking on it.

The upshot is simply this:    yes, I have lost my husband.   It's been a tough, tough year.

But I am pretty much a positive person.  If you follow my blog, you know that I have weathered some difficult times.  I'm still here.  I still love to weave.  I am happy in my little corner of the world, with my dogs and my looms.   I have a beautiful extended family.  I have AMAZING friends.  I am still on my feet, and I still get excited about life.

In the words of Thoreau,

"If one advances confidently in the directions of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

That's where I am, here today, with a success unexpected.   I may grieve, but I will be ok.

I get up every day, watch the sun rise, and do what's right in front of me, and with the simplest of chores and routines, and projects,  I live my life.  And I'm grateful for it, every day.

And with that I wish all my blogger friends a wonderful Christmas, full of love.

Later.