Changes

I have been remiss.  I feel like a blogger failure, after all these years.   

Some days I feel like I am on auto pilot, and I just do whatever is right in front of me.

Like the last of the tomatoes.

Roasted with a little EVO and packed in freezer bags, just smaller ones than I used to do.

Adjusting to the new normal.

In other news, Sydney has found the dog door.

She goes out into the dog yard daily now.

Someone asked me if I wasn't worried that she would get out.

My reply was "does she look like she can climb a fence?"

Uh, no.

She usually doesn't go far, and lies in the grass and the sun for hours.

But occasionally, she gets adventurous, which is amazing, considering she has been 

a house cat since 2009, when I found her 5 lb self in my barn, crying for help.

Now, she's just living her life to the fullest.

I'm still drawing, but in pencil for a while.

I am taking a drawing class at the Senior Center, in an effort to get myself 

out of the house.  As you can see, I still want to draw houses.

One of three zinnia plants that the woodchucks didn't get.  Enjoy them while you 

can because soon the frost will hit them.

While I have not been my usual weaving whirlwind, occasionally over the last 3 months, I have sat at the loom for short bursts of time.  Eventually I got through this towel warp. 

I am pretty sure that I have previously done  a post about "Owl Pen Books"......an amazing place 

out in the middle of nowhere.

This is the road to get there.  L and I took a ride.

Again, in an effort to get myself moving out of my comfort zone,  I did the Lake George 

lunch cruise with an old friend.

It's a beautiful ride.

Still, my favorite place to be this summer has been the porch, with a book.

There I can go someplace else, somewhere unlike this spot I've 

found myself in.

And sometimes, it's the best time of the day.

My other "solace" is baking.   I end up giving a lot of it away, but it still makes me feel good 

to do it.

Even before my husband died, I was thinking of revamping my weaving studio, getting

away from production weaving, and trying to narrow my focus, once again.

If you've read my blog over the years, you will know that I have attempted this before, 

but this year, with my own health issues, and losing Bill, it all seems to have become 

real to me.

So because I am a Louet dealer, I bought myself this Louet David III, 44" wide.

That, and my older David, 35" wide, will make up my studio.

Shorter warps, more thoughtful piecces, no 50 yard runs.

Let me just say right here, that putting this loom together was a 7 hour project, 

that was WAY beyond anything that I could have mustered right now.

Thank God for my dear friend, and fellow weaver, Sue, who is totally responsible

for turning a pile of wood and pieces parts, into this beautiful loom.

New looms:  exciting.

Good friends:    priceless.

And that means that this girl is leaving Crazy as a Loom.

The shipper is picking her up next Thursday or Friday, and she will be living in

Pittsburg, PA.

I know you are thinking .......what??   This loom has been a part 

of who I am and what kind of a weaver I have been for the last 10 years.

But honestly, I don't think it is who I am any more, 

or more importantly, who I want to be.

Life changes, and we change with it.  What choice do we really have?

I am hoping that I will find a new passion for weaving, unencumbered by a need to pump

out product.

It's a goal that has eluded me for so long, let's see if the time is right.

The bottom line is:  my life is not the same life that I had 3+ months ago.

I have to find my way, so I have to embrace the possible, even if it's a little scary.

I don't know if I thanked you all for your kind words and condolences, but know that it 

really meant a lot to me.

And I know that you're out there.

Just fine

In my attempt to eat better, and lose some of the weight I've gained in the last year and a half of being so sedentary, here is my $ store bowl for salads.

Underneath all that fiber is a parrot.  Truth.  

Anything that grows has done poorly this hot and dry summer, but this little rose bush I bought for my perennial garden seems to be thumbing her nose at it all.  I love a little attitude.

I have spent an inordinate amount of time at home this summer.   I have not ventured far at all.

That's mostly my mindset, hunkering down, revisiting places in my head,

trying to understand my way forward.

I know I'll find it, even though some days it  appears to be quite illusive.

I am still "drawn" to this crazy hen scratching.  I don't know where it's coming from, 

and I don't know why it's so soothing, but there you have it.

I'll take it.

It has not escaped me that there are no people, no animals, no movement, in these 

pictorials.

I don't know why.

So it was a very quiet Labor Day Weekend at my house.  Just me, two dogs, and a couple of 

cats.  I read a lot.  I did some weaving.  I cleaned.   I took a couple of naps.  I finally

decided that I needed a swift kick.

That resulted in my getting out the indigo dye stuff, and a package of 12 cotton 

towels that I had just for that reason.

They are all tied and clamped and ready with "resist", to be dipped in indigo today.

And the indigo dye vat awaits.  

Do not panic, that's my dye sink.  After today, it will probably be really blue.

I have a list, things I should do.  Buy some new clothes........I hate shopping.  Buy a new pair of shoes..........  Go on a cruise on one of the big boats on Lake George, when the leaves have changed colors.  Have a sale of hand wovens to clear out the old and make room for new.

Take a day trip, or two.

It's part of something I learned in all those years in Al Anon.

Act "as if".

Act as if everything is just fine, and you are just fine, and everything coming up will be just fine.  Even if it isn't.  Keep acting "as if", and one day, without you even knowing how it happened, it will be..........just fine.

One day at a time.

The Park, and some words

I know some of you are wondering how I'm doing with this new normal.   I have to say it is different from day to day.  Some days are much better than others.  I feel a little unmoored, adrift.  I do the things I am supposed to do, but then I end up reading for hours, or drawing, or watching the birds.

I know it will get better.   I know that I will move forward, and eventually get on with it.  Just not yet, I guess.

I do one day at a time.  Sometimes one hour.

My family, and my dear friends, are amazing.   I am so grateful for them.

Let me just take you on a tour of my ridiculously large back yard.

I wanted a bird sanctuary, I think I've got one.

I think that we cross paths with people that we are meant to.   Sometimes we teach them, and other times, they teach us.

I recently reached out to someone that I had never met, on a whim.   

What I heard was exactly what I needed to hear, and what I need to remind myself just about every day, for awhile yet anyway.

"Finally, as an experienced photographer, I have often given novices the advice "You always have a shot. Look. Use your imagination. It's there. You have to find it." is the same in life. Whether it is who you're with, or where you are, or what your circumstances are, you always have a shot."

I don't think I would have put it in those words, but I think that deep down, I wasn't at all 

sure that I did.  Loss will do that to you.   But now I know that it's true. 

 I do, I do have a shot.  

Starting now

I cry in the hot tub.  Sometimes.

In the past, I have cried there, after losing my father, then my mother, then my dearest friend, then another friend,  sweet pups Eddie and Roy, and now the husband I have lived with for the last 23 years.

Maybe it's the steam.

While I sat there early this morning, I watched the birds landing on dead limbs in the pear trees across the driveway.   I had thought to trim those dead branches, and now I realize what  great landing spots they are for young birds.   There were 5 there on one branch today......having a little chat, they were busy being birds.  What a lovely thought.

I have decided that I am the keeper of this 1.2 acres of bird-dom..........and for whatever reason, that's a comforting thought.

Recently, I have spent hours on the screen porch, watching and listening to the birds. I have a family of black squirrels out there, wood chucks aplenty, rabbits, and an occasional fox.

Bill called the back yard that we have spent years clearing........"the park".   

It's still not entirely finished, but almost. Not a landscaper by any means, it has evolved, with only a little direction from me, and a whole lot of synchronicity.

I have also been reading a lot of books.

 

It's quiet.   I am realizing what a giant hole there is in my life.  No amount of cleaning or organizing or busy-ness can fill it.  Only time perhaps, will help the edges come together enough at least so the wind doesn't whistle through it at odd hours.

I am a work in progress, for now.

Cleaning.  Organizing.   When I  can get myself moving.

 DH was not a neat man.

Thank God for these two.......company 24/7......they move with my every movement.

I swear 

they are mentally tuned to me.

This is their bed.

They let me sleep with them.

 

Even now, I try to practice gratitude.   This house provides me with a sense of

safety, and belonging.

DH only planted tomatoes and cukes, and ironically enough, this is his best year ever.

Early morning walks with L and the dogs, to beat the heat.

I must admit my appetite is not what it was, and most of the time I eat because I know I should, or because I get tired of hearing my stomach rumble.  I know that at some point cooking and baking will be a good thing for me, just not yet.

As always, these three are the very best medicine.  Proof that life goes on, that there is joy everywhere, even when you're not looking for it.

When you get older, you realize that only love matters.  The love for family, friends,  fur babies.  What you have thought to be important, all your life, was really just fluff. 

 Only the love that you have given, and the love you have received moves the scale at all.

I still want to stick around, just to watch these three grow up.

As sad as I am, when they ran to me and threw their arms around my body and my legs, screaming "MIMI".........I knew that I would be ok with time.

Goodbye.

This post seems unreal to me, I'm not sure how much I have to give to it.

So I'll be brief.

A few days ago, I lost my best friend.

Even though he had been sick for a long while, and declining in health, it was a

shock.

It was unexpected. 

An unattended death, they called it.

My head has been spinning since.   Trying to absorb it, trying to accept it.

I'll be ok, because that's how I roll,   He wouldn't want it any other way.

I hope that he is no longer feeling weak, and tired, and sick.

I pray that he is free of all of that, and if he is, then I'm willing to put up with this ache, 

until we meet again.

A New Day

It is the strangest of times, it seems.  The world has appeared to have gone mad.

Sometimes, I feel that my body has, as well.

I never imagined being 75, and I certainly never expected to have my body, that has served me well all my life, go rogue on me.

But it has.

The ablation was done April 26th, my heart has been all over the place, since.   I guess from all accounts, that this unsettled situation is normal for a heart that is healing from being assaulted.   But still, three weeks of constant atrial fibrillation, with a heart rate of 145, left me as worn out as an old dish rag.  I had a cardioversion scheduled for June 7th, but once again, my heart has taken charge, and now I am in a normal sinus rhythm.  

Top this off with an acute case of bronchitis, and the inability to do anything very physical, without provoking another bout of AF, and you have a humble new me.

I surrender, for now.   No pulling, pushing, lifting, exertion.  None.

Lots of time on the screen porch with the dogs and a good book.

You can imagine, that they don't mind at all.   And every little while, they hear a squirrel or some other imagined interloper out in the yard, and they tear off through the dog door to investigate.

I guess that's a pretty good dog's life.

Willie approves of my second hand newly acquired porch furniture, to go with my old glider.

Last week, I had some company, and that's ALWAYS a good day, 

When they weren't playing croquet out on the lawn, they were entertaining Willie and Naya.

And there's always coloring to be done.

We ended the day with pizza at our fave restaurant, which they loved.

I am definitely enjoying the new space where the barn used to be.  I thought I would miss it, but I don't.

The birds seem to love it too,  and I love watching them, and listening to them.

 I have certainly had a lot of time to ponder my situation.  Getting old is what I'm doing, the alternative is not being able to enjoy any of this.  I have a beautiful family, amazing friends, a comfortable home, my sweet dogs, and so much more.   Once again, I lean into the gratitude part of it all.

I sit here in the morning, thankful for a hot cuppa tea, the NY Times crossword, two white dogs trying to get closer all the time, the quiet of this time of day, the sun just peeking over the trees.  So much, so much to be grateful for.

I am saddened, as we all are, for the hate and violence and senseless deaths in our world.

And all of it reminds me that I only have this day.  The gift of this day.  

It reminds me to find the joy all around me, 

I seem to have misplaced the need for beating myself up, needing to do more, 

feeling like I wasn't good enough if I wasn't productive every second of every day.

Instead I find myself standing very still under the linden tree, to watch the bevy of

birds splashing in the bird bath I made from a table frame, a garbage can lid, and some stones.

There's a new serenity washing over me,  and I find myself so very OK with it.