Starting over

It really is a fact, that we can start over just about any time that we want to.

Of course, we are stuck with who we are, to an extent anyway.

This is who I was born, and this is who I will be until the end.

I don't have time or inclination to "discover" who I am.

I am who I have always been.

But along the way, we modify, we adapt, and we change, do we not???

I have just recently realized that a change has occurred.

It snuck up on me, and I have to say, I'm glad.

For almost three years now, I have missed my husband and the life we had together.

It wasn't perfect, but it was our life, and I was good with it.

Then he suddenly died, and my world tipped on its axis.

I have thought on occasion that I was ok, and then immediately realized that I 

clearly was not.

I have oft times since his passing, been obsessed with the thought of dying,  still seeing my best friend

in his chair, having left this world while I was gone.

In the blink of an eye, his life was done, and my life was totally different.

I have plugged along.  I have done everything that was in front of me, I have managed.

Some might even say that I have persevered.

But in so many ways, I felt that joy was an elusive feeling, that I was not privy to anymore.

All this time, I have been sleepwalking, doing what I had to do.

Then most recently, my children have been encouraging me to leave my house, sell it, move closer to them, in a house that was smaller, and not so much work.

They espoused their reasons.  They could be of more help to me being closer.  I would see more of them.  My life would be easier.  I wouldn't be alone.  It was time.

I went along for a while.  I even showed my house to a realtor.  I even looked at a house closer to them.   I receive daily listings of houses that might "suit" me.

Then I woke up.  Came to.  Turned a corner.  Pulled through.  Was on the mend. Rallied.  Snapped out of it. Came out of the woods.  Got back on my feet.  Looked up.  Got better.

Whatever you call it, I realized that though the sadness will always be there,  that life is over.

He is gone.  I am here.

I AM OK.

But more than that.   I'm really ok.

I'm grateful.

I'm happy.

I'm content with my life, just as it is.

I am settling into something that I find I have needed my whole life.

To be on my own, in my own skin, without the reflection of another human being on a 

daily basis.

This may sound awful.  Heartless, even.

But damn, if it isn't the truth.

I look back on 77 years and thought on how often  a MAN was daily computed into the fabric of my life, starting with my father.

I realize that now, for the first time ever, that it is not true for me.  Not at all.

I cook when I want, eat when I want, nap and sleep on my schedule, I clean or I don't.

I am totally answerable to only myself.

(and sometimes 2 dogs)

It is an amazing feeling, and I feel incredibly glad for it.  I didn't ask for it, I didn't look for it, but here it is.

And I love it.

No, I do not want to sell my house.  I do not want or need a smaller or an easier house.  Not now, not yet.

I am complete, if older, just as I am.

I feel like I've just returned from a very long trip.

And I am so glad to be back.