Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Full disclosure.

Isn't that what it's about????  This blogging thing?  I have never shied away from being totally
honest about what is happening in my life, to a point, of course.  So why stop now?

I have been a lousy blogger of late, simply because I have felt so awful for about four months........between the atrial fib and the METOPROLOL (drug from hell), I have felt as bad as I have ever felt in my life.
Tired, short of breath on any exertion, wiped out, just plain horrific. Too many side effects from the medication,  A fib out of control if I didn't take it.

So there, That's the truth.  I feel bad whinging about it, knowing full well, that there are so many people on this planet with it so much worse.   I tell myself every day, that I have a home, and food, and family, and we're safe.  So much to be grateful for. 
 I get it, I do.

But I still feel like crap.

I have been weaving, sporadically,  trying to stay busy, and keep my mind occupied.  
Since January, I have been counting off the days until my ablation, the end of April, and I found that if I sat around and let my mind take over, it was a rabbit hole I did not want to go down.
At the same time, I couldn't go walking, or go outside and do much of anything that took any energy........so sitting at the loom, or the sewing machine, in short intervals, was the only thing productive that I could do.


I have been working through my stash of chenille, making clothing, too much perhaps, but there it is.


I've been playing with inlays and a boho look, actually amusing myself quite well.






It's amazing how much I appreciate a day without a frantic atrial fibrillation in my chest, even 
while feeling like I'm operating in slow motion.  It's all in the perspective.



But what I'm really focusing on is two weeks from now, when I go in for this procedure, and 
they find the source of this random electrical impulse, destroy it, and let me get on with my life.


I have no illusions.   I just had my 75th birthday, and I know that my years on earth are not
expansive.   But I don't think it's out of bounds to hope for some years of feeling good.  
Normal.  
Or at least normal for this age.
I'll take that.

I do find it amusing that not so long ago, my priorities were different.   
Even now, I can imagine myself thinking in years past, about what would make me happy.........a trip maybe,  something new, something different, a new LOOM perhaps!

And now, it's so much simpler.  
What will make me happy is feeling better than this.......not tired, not short of breath, not having a trip hammer in my chest.........ah, how point of views can change.
I just want normal.  That's enough.  How greedy we usually are.


It's so much easier to be happy in the space we're in, when we find out how fortunate we really are.
And sometimes, it does take some discomfort to make that crystal clear.

This, still, is my happy place.


Here I have all the serenity I have ever wanted.



I have the comfort that my soul has craved.



I have  contentment, joy.  Right here.


 

I couldn't ask for more than this.

Only another weaver might really understand.




It's simple really.   My life is better than ok.  I just have this unwanted guest, an electrical impulse 
hanging on for the ride, but unwelcome all the same.

It's got to go.  I don't have time for it anymore.

Hopefully next time I post, I can report that it has departed.   I am so ready.

8 comments:

Peg Cherre said...

Sorry that you've felt so crappy for so long. Fingers crossed that the ablation does its thing - well and quickly!!
I like your new pieces. And always, your attitude toward life.

Boud said...

I will look forward to your successful procedure, too. Your weavings are lovely, despite the obstacles you've been facing.

CarolB said...

Hilary.... it has been some time since i have had the time to check in with you..... i read about your ablation and can tell you how they can pinpoint and blast that little electical malfunction is nothing short of magic.... it works! My 80+ year old mother had it done a couple of times over the years..... amazing results! you will be in your happy place soon enough and feeling your old self!
take care
CB

Jean said...

I love your honesty about life, about its difficulties and pain and hardness as well as about the good things. Life can be so hard, and so painful, and so good. Thank you for sharing; may all go well for you, and may you feel better soon, I look forward to good news and more years of reading what you write.

Joanne Noragon said...

Dear friend, I feel your frustration. Be tough; the finish is in sight.

Rita said...

I can empathize with wanting so badly to feel back to your normal but being grateful for each day and everything you have. Hang in there. Will be soon. :)

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Karen thisoldhouse2.com said...


Wishing you the very best outcome, and more years of normal and happy and content, you so deserve it. Oddly, I take metoprolol for an arythmia and have no side effects. Low dose though, maybe that's the difference?

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