If you read it first, maybe all this will make more sense.
I've been having more of a headache for the last few weeks, which I have attributed to the high ragweed pollen count, plus other allergens. Add that to my already compromised head, and it puts my headache right over the top.
This morning, on top of my worse than usual headache, I got the jagged light in my eye, promising a migraine to really be the "frosting on the cake", so to speak.
I had an OMT appointment at 12:15pm, so in spite of the fact that I really wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere, I managed to get myself over there....it's a half hour drive.
During it, I had a disconcerting experience....you might say that my mind wandered off, trying to get away from this head and neck that felt like someone had poured concrete there, and then dropped me off the roof of a building.
I clearly saw this room, as if I were standing in the doorway, looking in. There were no windows in the room, so the light came from the open door. There was a large table, long, to seat at least 12 people, and on the table there was an "oil cloth".....no kidding...... There was a door to the right, and I could see a stairway out there, and there was a room behind this room I stepped into, and it was open straight through, but I couldn't say what it was. For a few moments, it was so real, and I felt that any minute, all these people were about to sit down to a meal.
Then I heard this voice, that said, "This is your head, and YOU alone have the answers to this pain. You can access those answers if you try."
No, I am not drinking. It was all very real, and at the end of the OMT session, I felt just as awful as I did when I got on the table.
On the way home, I started thinking about it, and about the "tiny life" concept, and also about the concept of "enough', and still about "if not now, when?"
And I asked myself, "if you could do anything that you wanted, what would it be?"
Travel? Adventure? Novelty? Excitement?
That's when the tears came. Because I realized that none of that matters, not one whit.
I only want a life without this headache.
I don't need to see other countries, climb mountains, see Broadway plays, sky dive, learn new things.
Not one thing appeals to me, makes me want to plan my getaway.
I just want this "tiny life" and I want it without a headache.
Oh, I know that is probably not going to happen. I know that 8 years into it, there is probably no light at the end of this tunnel.
I can only hope for better days, less headache, the chance to do the things right in front of me,
So for today, it's heat on the neck, more Advil, rest, and not much else.
And hopefully, by tomorrow, I will have kicked this old body square in the behind, and told myself to "get the hell over it". By then, maybe I will have counted all my blessings, and put it all in perspective.
But sometimes it's good to call it what it is. Because it's hard. So I curse it out, cry a little.
Then I'll let it go.