On one hand, it seems unfair, that I can't do some of the things I want, while I wait for the knife. On the other hand, perhaps it is perfect. If it continues like this, by the time the surgery date arrives, I will be sharpening the knife for them.
Anticipation can be wonderful, or it can be awful.
I could sit around and feel bad, and mull over in my head the darkest aspects of what's in front of me.....the pain, the dependence on other people, the fear of something really bad happening, the possibility of going through it, and STILL having the headache, being away from home in a strange place.
Or I can dream, about a day without this pain. No headache. I can imagine what I will do, and how marvelous it will feel to do it without a headache. I can think about restructuring my life, redesigning it to be what I want it to be.
Not so much work. Not so much stress. More days off, more leisure. Is that a word...........leisure?
Wow, I just realized.
And I have not in any way explored that word enough.
I said yesterday that this was not a mistake. And I believe that.
What else, but an unrelenting headache, and brain surgery, would stop my workaholic self from working and running right to the end?
Trust me, not much else would have/could have intervened.
I always look for the lesson.....in everything. And I have had a lot of them in my life.
I have not been perfect. I have made some huge errors in judgement. Mostly they were about me.......I was the one who got hurt. But I have always tried to be kind, and good in the deepest sense of the word.
I have always tried to be honest. Sometimes, brutally so. Just ask my friends and family.
Still I have taken wrong turns, backtracked, taken them again, fallen down, got up and brushed myself off. It took me a long time to get some things straight.
And through it all, I worked. Always. I was undeterred, and pig headed. And I was good at it.
When I was 7 months pregnant for my second child, I was wrapping rolls of paper as big as a VW bug, strapping them up with a huge, intimidating machine. Even then, I couldn't stop.
I have never been one to admit to weakness, or idleness. It's a Mort Cooper gene. I know that. But it has always been such a part of who I am, that I have never seriously questioned it.
My friends would tell me. You work too much. And I agreed, and then went back to work.
And when I left the paper mill, and closed my furniture stripping business, and became an RN, working became even more 'personal satisfaction', and I dug my heels in to work two jobs for 20+ years.
Then I retired.
What a joke.
Mostly I retired because I began to hate what I was doing. And I hated the NYS Department of Corrections. And someone I loved died, and I was afraid. So I retired from the state, and promptly went out and got another job........then two jobs. Crazy as a Loom was mostly still in its part time capacity, and I didn't ditch nursing until the studio became a full time gig.
And now CAAL is all consuming, keeping L AND I busy all the time.
So much for retirement.
So, yup, there is a lesson here. HH came with a lesson, a message, and a HUGE turn in the road.
It's kind of like the labyrinth.
"Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path... exactly where you are meant to be right now... And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love."
We are all on the path... exactly where we need to be. The labyrinth is a model of that path.
A labyrinth is an ancient symbol that relates to wholeness. It combines the imagery of the circle and the spiral into a meandering but purposeful path. The Labyrinth represents a journey to our own center and back again out into the world. Labyrinths have long been used as meditation and prayer tools.
A labyrinth is an archetype with which we can have a direct experience. We can walk it. It is a metaphor for life's journey. It is a symbol that creates a sacred space and place and takes us out of our ego to "That Which Is Within."
Labyrinths and mazes have often been confused. When most people hear of a labyrinth they think of a maze. A labyrinth is not a maze. A maze is like a puzzle to be solved. It has twists, turns, and blind alleys. It is a left brain task that requires logical, sequential, analytical activity to find the correct path into the maze and out.
A labyrinth has only one path. It is unicursal. The way in is the way out. There are no blind alleys. The path leads you on a circuitous path to the center and out again.
A labyrinth is a right brain task. It involves intuition, creativity, and imagery. With a maze many choices must be made and an active mind is needed to solve the problem of finding the center. With a labyrinth there is only one choice to be made. The choice is to enter or not. A more passive, receptive mindset is needed. The choice is whether or not to walk a spiritual path.
At its most basic level the labyrinth is a metaphor for the journey to the center of your deepest self and back out into the world with a broadened understanding of who you are.
So I guess the only decision I have is the one to move forward, to enter the path that is mine.