It's all about what I have said so many times before: perspective.
A couple of people have said, " Are you sure you wanna do this?"
That's a question asked from THEIR perspective.
From their point of view, having brain surgery sounds ridiculous, formidable, horrific.
From my perspective, however, which you have heard tons about, brain surgery sounds like the ring of the doorbell, when you have waited for a guest to arrive, someone you long to see.
It sounds like a promise, hope, relief.
Today I did normal stuff, acting "as if" everything were just that, normal.
I walked Roy, went to the studio, did morning chores.
On the way home to do more preparation for leaving, I stopped at the Farmer's Market, and bought some lovely bread, and some huge, fresh tomatoes.
And I made myself a sandwich.
You will note, however, that this is not a pristine tomato sandwich.
But that's because I sprouted my own fresh sprouts, and they were too tempting not to include them.
I sat quietly alone and ate my sprout and tomato and mayonaisse sandwich, and I thought about how sweet the most normal daily things can be. I took my time. I relished it.
I savored every bite.
I thought about all those sandwiches that I have wolfed down throughout my life, in a hurry to do something else.
Sandwiches every bit as deserving of my attention as this one.
When this is done, and I have a new and improved head, I am not coming back to my 'old' life.
I am coming back to my new and improved life.
A more thoughtful life, a less hectic and rushed life.
I am going to give myself time to access that part of me that just wants to BE creative, without all the hoopla.
I am making a bucket list, folks. You think it's for people older than me????
No, it isn't about age at all.
It isn't necessarily about illness.
It's about reaching a point, where you know you haven't been paying attention. And standing there, you are certain that there is more, and you want it. You want every minute to be as meaningful, and as precious, as it can be.
That's where I am standing.
Today, I went to the nearest salon, and got a hair cut in preparation for this surgical EVENT. Because it IS an event, right?
I very calmly got a #3 buzz cut on the back of my head.
Hey, why not??
They're going to shave a strip down the back of my head anyway, so I figured I would make it easier for them to do that, and for me to let my hair all grow in together after it's over.
It was kind of freeing, actually. It makes me want to buzz cut my whole head.
Can you imagine that? Totally disassociating yourself from all that caring about what you looked like, and what other people thought?
Maybe there are all kinds of positives here, that I am just beginning to see.
Remember a couple of weeks ago? I was ready to sell everything, and move to Maine??? My daughters said that it was my headache talking crazy. I didn't think so. Now I'm not so sure.
Oh, yes, I love Maine more than most. And I have always dreamed of Maine, living there as an old lady, in an old house, in a little seaside village.
And who knows, maybe I will.
But it was more than that, I know that now.
It was 10 and a half months of incredible, unrelenting pain in my head and my face. Pain that first nagged at me, then chased me down, and finally just held me hostage.
I thought about just getting in my car, and driving away. But the knowledge that I could not escape the misery kept me from doing that.
I have pushed myself all the way through this. Every single thing I have done, day in and day out, from just getting in the shower, to grocery shopping, to changing litter boxes, everything has been done under duress. Sometimes it has not as much duress as other times, but lately, it has ramped up to a level that occasionally frightens me.
It's ok, I am not complaining about the way I handled this. It was the only thing that "I" could do. It was my way.
But, God, I'm glad it's coming to an end. Because I can't do it anymore.
I am so looking forward to my new life, the one without a headache.
The one where I allow myself to savor the journey.
One year ago, this coming week, I was on vacay in Maine with my girls, and grands.
This week, I will be getting my head straight.....pun intended.
But I will be dreaming of Maine.
You can count on it.