Birthdays are funny things.
It's just a day, isn't it?
For some reason though, it gets my brain cranking. Yes, even more than usual.
I wonder that I got to be this old, and I find myself evaluating my life.
At the same time, because my first cousin's birthday was the day before mine, I mourn the loss of him, 14 years ago.
We grew up together, I called him my brother. He was my protector right to the end.
He was always concerned for my well being.
He was robbed of his retirement, seeing his grandchildren, finally enjoying the fruits of a long working life. At 57, it was over.
Because of him, I retired from nursing in a maximum security prison right then, at 20 years. He wanted me to, and I knew he was right. I knew I had to grab my life back from it.
His sister, who was 4 years older than us, dropped dead on her kitchen floor, when she was 30. Her children were there, one doing homework at the kitchen table, the other playing with his cars.
She was robbed of even more. She never got to see her children grow up. She never got to grow old.
Her children's lives were changed forever.
So here I am, 71 years old today, thinking about how fortunate I am to even be here.
The odds haven't been with me at times, but here I am.
Sometimes, not understanding life one bit. Other times, thinking maybe I do get it after all.
Loving my family, my friends, this old house, my life most of the time.
Yet still feeling that there is something I need to do. That there is something else. Calling to me.
Is it that way for everyone??
That suspicion that something is left undone? Or is that just me, thinking the grass is greener over there.
This has been a very tough winter. The flu at the beginning of December UNDID me. I haven't felt myself since. Then the headache, just generally not feeling that great.
And the snow. And the ice. And the cold.
It has really gotten to me this time around.
Maybe spring will make that feeling of something undone go away.
Or maybe not.
I wish I had a crystal ball sometimes.
Why do I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop????