I know that I do.
I'm a raw nerve, I cry every 10 to 15 minutes, for no reason whatever. I about fell apart in the MRI machine this morning.
I didn't realize that I would be slid into this thing the full length of my body, and that it would be inches above my face. I usually can do those things. Not so much today.
I almost lost it, but not quite. As soon as I felt the fear, I squeezed my eyes shut, and committed myself to not opening them. Then the noise began. You can't appreciate how noisy an MRI of your head can be unless the monster is lodging between your eyes.
He wasn't happy.
Then the tears came. No noise, no movement.....heaven forbid. Nope, just a flood of tears.
Far from home, facing the unknown, aware of my oh, so human frailties.
Tomorrow, I am having brain surgery. A little voice in my head, the one I'm not supposed to listen to, says, WTF? Seriously?
Yes, seriously.
But I am grateful. Grateful that someone has an answer. Grateful that someone can fix it. Grateful for the love of so many family and friends because that love holds me up, and helps me to focus on getting through the present moment, with hope for a headache free future.
And maybe the monster knows, because he is waging war on my head every day without a break. He knows that he is soon to be evicted. And the pain he inflicts only makes me more sure that this is the right thing to do.
The only thing to do.
I am going to try to get my daughter to do an update here. I think she will, just enough to let you all know what is going on.
I look forward to blogging when this is over, about EVERYTHING but the monster.
Monster, be damned.
Thank you, all, for your prayers, good thoughts, energy, and concern.
You are the best.
88 comments:
A friend called me yesterday. She had brain surgery less than two weeks ago. The drs. told her 2 hrs, it was 5. She is home and taking only Tylenol. She is a perky item. I am expecting just the same for you. Perky, sassy, lovable YOU. Prayers and prayers.
oxoxo
Gayle
You will be on my mind, in my best thoughts and on the (shared) receiving end of my top, healing vibes all day, tomorrow. Shared because my son is having surgery then, also. You'll both do great!
All the best to you!
As you said, 'Monster be damned!'
My good thoughts and prayers will be focused on you tomorrow. Please encourage your daughter to give us updates and news.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon! Hugs!
Hilary
Tomorrow has been a long time coming. I am sorry for the pain and the fear. I have the utmost confidence that all will go well for you and that you will be back to your busy, upbeat self in no time. I want to thank you for letting us share your journey to this point. I imagine that at some point in the future, someone who has been reading all your posts about the headache will recognize the symptoms in someone they love. Because of you they will be able to point them in the direction of someone who can help them. That just seems to be the way things work.
Sending you love and prayers.
wishing you a quick recovery and to be free from pain,soon, Hilary!
Good Luck Hilary,
The pain has gone on so long, good riddance you monster!!
All of your readers will be praying and thinking good healing thoughts of you.
Hopefully one of your daughters can keep us updated.
Sending you love from California.
Kay
I'll be sending lots of good vibes for you tomorrow!!!
Give that damn monster hell! Hilary I send you warm feelings of healing and only good thoughts and best wishes. You will defeat the monster, he will go down in flames. You will rise up in victory! Bestest wishes ever! Oh, and lots of hugs too!
I will be thinking of you until we hear how you are doing. I hope when you open your eyes, your monster is gone never to visit you again.
Until we read again...
Candy
My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow.
Try to keep positive thoughts. The HH will soon be over and you can return to a healthy and pain-free life.
Bless you!
All the best for a successful surgery and quick recovery - I hope to see you posting soon, headache free!
I will be thinking of you tomorrow, sending positive thoughts, and saying lots of prayers! Be brave! You can do it! BIG HUGS! I look forward to celebrating the eviction of that horrible monster!
A big celebration should be in the future for you and your family after that monster is slayed tomorrow - my thoughts are with you.
HIlary,
I'll be thinking of you and saying a few prayers. Good luck and God bless.
I look forward to reading your posts after this is all over.
Out, out damned Monster.
Love, Lesley
Dear Hilary, I'm with you tomorrow and the days of your convalescence.
Best wishes
Juliane
My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Keep strong and have faith that all is going to be alright because it really is going to be okay!!!
Lots of virtual hugs are headed your way from so many of your online blogging friends!
Louise
Holding you in the light.
Wishing you all the best tomorrow, sending prayers and healing wishes and light and blessings and all good warm thoughts for you.....
You will be well, all will be fine.
Hugs all the way from Ireland.
Liz
See you on the other side - hopefully without your annoying sidekick. Life is going to get better, one day at a time.
I wish I could physically send you all the strength I have. You'll get through this, I know it, and the other side will be pain free forever. I do hope your daughter will be able to send a quick update to let us know you're on the mend.
Love & strength, Donna in ATL
Yay Hilary! The monster is on it's way out the door and you are going to do GREAT! My thoughts are with you now and will be in the days ahead. I'm so happy for you that this is now and the headache is almost over.
Dear Hilary.... Even though we have never met, I feel some kind of a link with you. Who knows? maybe a former life. I'm having a little weep for you. So many thoughts you must be thinking with fear and anticipation high on the list. MRIs must be a bitch to tolerate but YOU DID IT.
All the very best for your op and I will be waiting for the news of you being in recovery. Love from Australia. XXOO
I am expecting to see you and your looms back up and weaving in however long it takes like doing so! As a former nurse also...I am terrified of MRI machines and surgery. BUt without some previous surgeries I would not be here and neither would my daughters.
Hugs!
Hang in there and know we are all praying for your full, quick, pain free recovery! Don't feel bad about the MRI. I lost it in one I was having my neck looked at. I made it about 12 seconds and they had to take me out. I ended up with a CAT scan instead. Never new I was colstrophobic until then.
Gads, i remember my brain MRI -- 2 1/2 hours! You have my sympathy.
Lots of prayers coming your way.
Hilary - I know I've told you before that brain surgery is amazing. It never ceases to astound me that a person can come out of brain surgery walking and talking. And you know my husband has had three of them, so I know of what I speak. I can totally understand your fear, and I wish there was something that I could do or say to make you feel calm other than Let Go and Let God.
And yes, the MRI's. My husband has had so many that I have lost count. I can't imagine doing that every two months like he does. And I'm so sorry that you had to do it with that raging monster. Makes it so much worse, my friend.
I will be praying for you.
Go go go Hilary....I hope your daughter can give us all an update. You are so strong....all your healthy eating and activity are going to hold you in good stead.
My father had brain surgery this month. What I noticed yesterday: the scar has already faded, the hair is growing back fast, and he can still beat me playing cards. :) I'm thankful every day for that surgery.
Best of luck to you and your family. I'll be looking forward to reading about your recovery.
wishing you all the best...
Just wanted to let you know I've been praying for you for days and will be praying for you tomorrow. I hope your healing will be quick and you'll feel like yourself again very soon.
I'm extremely claustrophobic and had to have three MRIs just days apart. You're right about the noise. What helped me get through them and not think about the tight quarters was to imagine I was at a STOMP concert - interestingly, it did help. :) I hope you'll never need further MRIs but, imagining people performing with garbage can lids is very helpful. :)
Best wishes to you tomorrow - in my thoughts and prayers,
Abby
I'll be thinking of you all day tomorrow. Be strong & let go. Good energy works wonders and I know there is lots going out your way. I'll be praying for you. I look forward to hearing how you are doing and having back the lady we all love.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Deb
all best wishes to you, Hilary ~ i will be thinking of you tomorrow with prayers for a positive outcome and pain-free trails ahead... ♥
Good luck! I never comment but I read all your posts. There are better days ahead!
Jacqueline
Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.
Hey Monster! Don't let the door hit ya in the behind on your way out!
I will be sending good thoughts and prayers for you all day tomorrow. Speedy recovery to you my friend!
Ba Bye Monster!
Sending you healing prayers and know that this is the perfect surgery for you. You are so loved by so many. I'll be looking for updates. Before you know it you'll be kayaking in Maine again. Much healing. Vicki Rapanault boot camper from October 2010
Thinking of you, you will be in excellent hands. Here's to a complete recovery!
Thinking of you and your family! Let us know how you are when you are out and awake!....we will be worried, of course, but know that everything will be okay! Hugs and smiles to you and yours.
xoxo
Blessing to you my dear. I am so happy that HH is on its way out the door.
Sending good and healing thoughts your way. I wish for you a blessed and speedy recovery.
Love is all around you, Hilary--can you feel it? Of course you've been crying with being worn down by the monster, but he is about to be evicted from your body for good. Focus on all the love and good wishes that are being heaped upon you. Focus on the wonderful life you will have post surgery. I bet you'll bounce back in no time. Can't wait to see/hear it! Sending all good wishes and loving thoughts your way. Becky
Holding you and the medical staff in my thoughts and prayers. I do hope your daughter can at least let us know when you are safely out of surgery. Do you know when you will be up and about?
((((((hugs)))))))
Martha
I agree! Monster, be damned!
Prayers and positive, healing energy your way. Bless you!! :)
Sweet dreams to you, because you will be out through it all.
I'm wishing the best of days for your doctor tomorrow- his job is to fix it, your job is to RECOVER. That is your only job right now.
(and take pics of you and Roy and kitties- think you can mange that when you get home?)
Wishing the best of thoughts for you.
Kimmen
Wishing you the very best tomorrow! I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hard to believe, but it will be over before you know it.
Looking forward to the update, you being home, and having the life you want and deserve!!
xxoo,
Diane
You are so surrounded by love, and in the hands, hearts, and prayers of so much love and support. Your job is not to worry, but to rest and recuperate. The monster is on the way out!! Hurry back, we care!
Sending much love and healing thoughts for you and your family. I don't know why this post brought a tear to my eye. I'm scared and excited for you all at the same time. I'll be glad when HH is gone.
Good riddance Monster in Hilary's head!! By the way, my friend Fran, that had the same surgery this morning is doing great. Went thru the surgery great-they said it was about a text book case. She is in some pain which is normal but doing well. Good luck & prayers for you.
I'm so happy for you to be ridding yourself of this monster that has had such a terrible grip on you for far too long. It is time for him to burn in hell. I know you will be in safe hands tomorrow that have performed this exorcism on many monsters such as yours. Be well, Hilary. We all love you!
Thinking good thoughts for you and a speedy recovery. No matter how good you are feeling remember to REST!
I will be thinking of you. I'm saying my prayers for you. I know you will do fine and be recovering soon. Romonia
In the end... you Win, either way.
Thanks for still being my Pal on Wednesday too.
My thoughts and prayers are with you for a speedy recovery.Can't wait until you are free from pain. Deb from Cobleskill
Good Luck tomorrow. Strangers from across the miles are wishing you well and will be thinking positive thoughts for you! Looking forward to reading your next post!
Hilary,
I'm a stranger to you but I read your blog every day. You are amazing - and so strong!!
All the best for tomorrow. Sending you positive energy for a successful surgery and speedy recovery. No more HH! It'll be a great day when you can tell us all that. :)
hugs!
All of the best to you tomorrow and wishing you a speedy recovery. I will be sending you happy thoughts and lots of prayers from Canada.
Edith
All of the best to you tomorrow and wishing you a speedy recovery. I will be sending you happy thoughts and lots of prayers from Canada.
Edith
You are my hero. I can't wait to hear updates. I can't wait for your next phase of life --- monster free. xoxo
Here you are, my dear, in my oh-so-positive thoughts and best wishes for the swift demise of your dragon! Won't be long now before you, alone, shall rule your kingdom. In any case, there's lots of us out here for backup ;>]]]]]]]]
I can remember sitting waiting for my hip replacement surgery and full of fear. The walk to the OR was the hardest thing.
When I woke up the first thing I noticed was the bone to bone pain was GONE and 3 months later I was weaving again.
Getting rid of your monster means you free yourself to have the life you want, that you need.
From our hearts and home to you, we will be with you in spirit.
Susan and Bruce
So much love here for you. :)
I'll be thinking of you.
Hugs... best thoughts and love.
Will be sending the best of thoughts and lots of good wishes - a long time reader but never commenter - Joanie
Thinking of you today, looking forward to that first pain-free post. - xo
You will be on my mind today as I go through my day. And I am so hoping it will all be over and you will be back to yourself again. Fingers crossed for you and everybody who loves you (that would be me, too).
Thoughts and prayers with you Hillary, be positive and know very soon this will all be behind you!
Dawn
I wish you the best of luck with your surgery.
May the only headache in your future be due to eating ICE CREAM too fast!
You are strong, and you have an awesome family! You will be just fine :-)
Probably too late for you to read, but I wish you all the best, and may God be with you and your surgeons. I look forward to reading blogs from the 'new' and pain free Hilary!
Praying for you today...
I will be thinking of you all day today ... waiting till we hear an update saying that you are okay.
Sending love and,white light for a successful surgery and a speedy recovery.
Connie
Sending love and support to you AND your family. Looking forward to your daughters update!! Tell her thank you from all your fans. :)
Hugs and prayers.... I expect you're in surgery now and that your HH is soon to be nothing but a bad memory.
Today is the day. You are being prayed for and held in love and healing light this day! From New York to California and around the world, your friends are loving you now!
Wishing you a successful surgery and speedy recovery!
Kat
I wish you god speed and a quick complete recovery.
Add my thoughts and prayers to the many already here, for your successful surgery, your speedy recovery and a return to the life of your pain free choosing. For the many times you have uplifted and inspired all of us with your humor, wit, creativity and compassion, may our words and prayers of encouragement and healing been felt tenfold. Lorraine
Hilary,
Surrounding you and your family with L O V E.
Best to you,
Eve
I came over from Connie's blog. I am sending you healing and strength! Praying for you.
You will be in my prayers, for the monster to be slayed with little distress for you. Best wishes and focus on how great things will be a couple months from now!
Blessings and prayers- you are in God's hands and He has given you a great attitude! I look forward to hearing from you soon!
I will be lighting a candle just for you right now. You will be fine with so many people who really care. I am so happy for you that finally your headace will be gone.
We are all waiting for the good words to come...
and banish that Monster forever!
I will be thinking of you and sending you the best wishes from Australa.
I will be thinking about and praying for you tomorrow morning. I hope all goes well.
Brenda in Iowa.
Prayers for all to turn out well and for you to be out walking Roy again soon.
Prayers for all to turn out well and for you to be out walking Roy again soon.
Prayers for all to turn out well and for you to be out walking Roy again soon.
Prayers for all to turn out well and for you to be out walking Roy again soon.
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