WARNING: Random photos that have nothing whatever to do with this post.
In between bouts of playing on Picmonkey to harass adolescent Yankee fans, and blogging, walking Roy by the river, baking muffins, weaving baby blankets, reading, playing Scrabble, knitting, taking my mother to the grocery store, acting all NORMAL, I fall apart.
Yes, it's true.
I cry a lot.
Gosh, I shouldn't be telling you this.
But it's fact..
I feel alternately relieved after crying, and embarrassed. The tears come any old time they want, I really have little control of them.
I guess it's just the way I process it all.
I didn't blog over the weekend, I just didn't have anything to offer.
Unless you count unadulterated terror.
Pissed off-ness. (is that a word? it should be)
Periods of calm.
All of these wildly fluctuating inside my head on a daily basis.
I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle. And if there is any time you need to listen to Eckhart Tolle, it is when BRAIN SURGERY is scheduled on YOUR head.
Sitting here last night, listening to it on my lap top, while the Red Sox and Yankees played silently to the left of me, I listened to ET saying that I need to ask myself if I have a problem THIS MINUTE.
Well, no, actually, I don't.
And he says, that the fact that I am having surgery........(he didn't exactly use those words) is not a problem to me THIS MINUTE. It is FUTURE TENSE. So therefore, it is a challenge.
I get it.
And a little voice.....the one he says I should under no circumstances be listening to, screams:
One thing that bothers me.......bare with me.....this probably makes little sense......but I have always been 'the strong one' to my kids. They say that. My three beautiful daughters.
They look to me to always be on top of my game, tough, capable, in charge.
They say that when they can't count on anything else, they can count on me being no nonsense, to the point, get it done, the one they look to, the MOM.
And I know that is not something that lasts forever.
But who knew that even contemplating how that could change, would hurt so much?
There go the tears again.
I think Eckhart Tolle has it right. No doubt. I am listening to a whole series of this conversations.
I want to know. I want to learn. I want to be better.
But it ain't so easy to quiet a voice that has been talking at you for your whole life.
And it ain't easy to think about brain surgery, and not think that you have a problem.