Crazy as a Loom

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

HH and me.

Can I just tell you that I am in severe danger of doing damage to the ice cream truck that idles in front of my house, trying to lure in young children? All the while playing that annoying little song.   Ah, the edge of my nerves.
I have decided to give my headache a name........being tired of referring to it as 'my headache'.  It has been more faithful than any lover, husband, child, parent.  It has been my constant companion, as no other has ever been.
So it deserves a name.
I have decided on HH.
 Since I am H.
 Short for Hilary's headache/Hilary's hell/Hilary's honey/Hilary's hindrance.....well, we could go on.
But let's not.
I was wondering, though, how long one can have a serious 24/7 headache, before one starts eyeing bridges with longing.

So today, I stuck it out until 2 ish........and we wove a big rug on the Toika, getting that loom ready for an order.

It was an easy weave, since we picked the colors, without worrying about a particular person liking it.
Someone will love it, don't you think???
It's a happy rug.  We need happy.

I managed to come home and take Roy for a walk, before I gave in.
God, I am stubborn.
I am thankful for that.  Where would I be if I weren't???

Doing a lot of soul searching lately.   Like DH said, when someone near you dies, your mortality becomes very real, not just a passing thought.
So I ask myself, again, does this path diminish, or enlarge, me???
I ask myself that every day.

I have also asked myself if blogging is something that is worthwhile, do I want to continue, or not?  Sometimes I feel that I must be boring you all to tears, if you're out there at all.  I guess HH makes me question just about everything.
I don't want what I write  to be about anything other than what matters to ME.  And I don't want to have to 'edit' it, just in case someone might read it and get all offended.
It's MY blog.
Is that selfish?  Maybe.
Or maybe it's time to retire it.

I find myself thinking of that dock, on a wilderness pond.  Silence, other than the sounds of birds, and the whisper of the breeze in the pines.
I'm not sure what is up with this longing I have for simplicity, but it doesn't seem to want to go away.
Maybe it's the change that's in the wind.
But I know in my heart, that there's serenity to be had.  I know, because I have had it.
It just seems now to have disappeared, and it is just out of reach.


Lynn said...

Hey, we'd miss you if you stopped blogging - don't you dare!

Peg Cherre said...

I say blog what you want, when you want, in the way you want. If you want to continue, if it makes you happy or serves some other purpose for you, then do it. If it seems like a chore, like one more darn thing you have to do before the day is out, drop it. In which case we'll miss you terribly, but we'll understand.

Gayle said...

Love this blog, recently I got a new computer, the first blog I put on it is yours. I love your ambling, meandering, lovely, meaningful, gracious, honest thoughts! I would surely miss you, Sweetling.

Abby said...

I enjoy your blog, your thoughts, your rugs and your kitties - I check your blog every day. I'm recovering from serious injuries - I understand pain that doesn't stop no matter how badly you want it to...and that it changes one's life and outlook and things once enjoyed and valued can diminish in importance. I think everyone would understand if you don't feel up to blogging but, if you're able to continue writing and sharing thoughts - I'd love to continue reading.
Sending you get well wishes,

Franny V said...

I know what your DH means about mortality becoming very real. Last year I lost 7 friends/close acquaintances between January and mid-March. This year, it has been 4 so far. Most of these people were younger than me. I guess I've finally gotten to the age where my friends begin to "go". I don't mentally feel my age (though physically, I sure do), but have come to realize I'm not going to be here forever. Life now should be less about cleaning house and doing laundry and more about weaving, knitting, sewing, listening to the birds and snuggling with my cats. That said, I'm going to go do some sewing.

I love the picture of the old building (a mill?). I can just see it fixed up and full of looms and cozy chairs to sit in while knitting, etc.

Country Girl said...

Only you can decide whether or not to give up the blog. I had always thought that it was rather cathartic for you, but if it's become otherwise, then that is not good.
And no, you are not boring me to tears with your stories. But I will be honest with you when I say that it's so difficult to know that you suffer much on a daily basis. But I still come, because I consider you a friend and I want to see how you are doing. That, and I find inspiration in your attitude. xoxo

claudia said...

It is your blog. I personally can't wait for you to post. I love reading your thoughts, seeing your beautiful grandkids and the kitties. I am always curious about what's on your loom and on your mind!
You need to do what is best for you though. If you stopped blogging, I would miss you!

Hilary said...

Your serenity will return... HH will H the H (hit the highway).

I believe that you do enjoy blogging and that it should always ONLY be what you want it to be. That way you know that those of us who are here, are here truly interested in the real you.

Like Kate said, it's difficult to know that you're hurting so much but I'm always interested to know what's going on in your world.

You matter.

sandy said...

Oh please don't stop blogging. I come here daily for laughs/inspiration. I am recovering from breast cancer/breast reconstruction and I cannot wait to get back on the loom and start banging it again! I know what your husband means about mortality. Everyone goes through that...but the way I feel is that I'm not dead yet!!...there is so much more to do and embrace. Take care and thank you for sharing.

SD Sue said...

I LOVE your blog, you inspire me with my physical pain, my weaving and my life. Your blog and one other are the only blogs I read DAILY. However, like all the others said, if it is too much for you, or you are bored writing, then it is time for change. I am praying for your headache to leave because this kind of pain is so unfair. I will enjoy your blog forever, if you continue to write. I will be grateful forever, if you decide to quit and just weave. Thanks for your honesty and being YOU.

joyceetta said...

Please, please, please, blog about whatever you want/need to blog about. If someone doesn't approve they can go elsewhere. Personally, I love what you write about and I really love the photos you take on your walks.
But....if you have to quit for your own serenity then do it. Don't even give it a second thought.
p.s. LOVE that big rug!

Deb said...

I'd miss ya... that's all I'm going to say. Hugs, Deb

Deb said...

I'd miss ya... that's all I'm going to say. Hugs, Deb

Anonymous said...

Never worry about what others may think or even consider editing what you want to say. I know it's what has held my blog back.... my saying what I think that is. But to pretend to be something else other than who I am simply doesn't work for me. Be who you are,.... I am always here reading and listening whether I comment or not. ((Hugs))

Bev said...

I love your blog, Hilary, but I echo the sentiments of everyone else. It's your decision and we'll all abide by it. But personally, I love the beauty and energy of your weaving and find it very inspiring. And Roy is such a sweet boy. And all the pictures you post, of the out of doors, your grandchildren, your kitties, your creations.... they are all wonderful and make my day.


Need A Latte Mom said...

Beautiful rug.
Hell Hath no fury like Hilary's headache.
yes I would miss you, but i do know what you mean. I think I am the only one who reads mine but I like to look back on it. that's ok.

Stickhorsecowgirls said...

Oh, I hope you don't go away! Sometimes in my fear of offending others, I think I "lose my voice". Write what is on your mind and heart. I'm friends with people who I don't agree with on lots of things--even those touchy subjects like "religion" and "politics". Many of my friends are artsy and intellectual and I feel out of step with my traditional, more conservative outlooks. Oh, well--I guess we should all just be who we genuinely are and that is OK.

Susan said...

I come to read your words and view your pictures every evening... and I would miss you a lot if you quit.
But I understand that sometimes you need to take a break, do something new or even nothing... so you follow your heart!

Don't let anyone tell you what to write... just write what you truly feel!

Recently I sat and had breakfast at a retreat and a woman across the table from me told me that she came to read my blog and it was NOT weaving related that time so she left right away. "I don't want your personal life details so I closed it down"

I told her good....that there may be more personal stuff from time to time as my life involves much more than just weaving (though my husband might disagree) I told her its *MY* blog and I write what I want. Reading it is your choice.

Either way... I'm good! And so will you be...
Hugs, Susan

Anonymous said...

I would miss reading your blog if you decided to quit. You inspire me every time I read what you have to say. I come here daily hoping that it's the day you tell us you don't have a headache anymore. I purchased my first loom a few weeks ago because I want to make rugs similar to yours, I could never get as much done as you do with such a terrible headache, I would have packed it in long ago. Hope you feel better soon. Romonia

Mary said...

You would be missed in Hawaii.

I would understand if you decided to stop blogging.

Frank's Corner said...

I never find your sharing anything but inspiring. Even when you write about your pain, I am filled with admiration and empathy. I, for one, want this damn headache of yours to GO WAY AND NEVER COME BACK, and I pray that it will. But in the mean time, out here quietly on the west coast, you have an admirer of your grace and strength. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you need to stop blogging, I will be sad, but I will still be holding you in my prayers. But, if sharing your struggle with us helps then keep talking, girl, because you are not alone and we can all use a bit of support. Your way of being with this struggle is a teaching for others. much love and prayers, Candace

Anonymous said...


I care about you. I don't comment often, but I look for your blog daily and am disappointed if its not there.

Do what you need to do. If you decide to stop blogging I'll understand, but I'll miss you.

Kaaren in California

ColoradoColumbine said...

I read your blog every day from half a world away in time and location. You have inspired me in my own weaving - I love your photos, of what you create, where you go, a little peek into someone elses life. That said, I understand the need to take a break from blogging sometimes (I've taken a break myself but can tell the writing juices are starting to flow again). But I really hope you continue. I'm praying that your headache will go away and that you will find that serenity you are searching for.

Sue said...

Hillary, as others have said, it's your blog, so write what you want and if someone takes offense (though I can't imagine what they could be offended about), they can take a flying leap!

If you want to talk about your headache all the time, so be it. Pain sucks, and chronic pain is hell.

DH is right about mortality. Unfortunately, none of us get out of dying. In the last 5 years I've lost both of my in-laws, my 21 year old daughter, and my sweetie of 17 years. Giving up might be an option for some, but it's not in my makeup and I suspect not in yours either. Some days it's just of matter of getting through the day. "This too shall pass", that's my motto.

Kate said...

I don't comment often, but I do enjoy your blog. I love your pictures of your weaving, your environment and Roy. Sure hope you can keep on keeping on.

Corie Q. said...

I read your blog everyday. I feel like it keeps me connected to such a place of strength. Often I ask myself, "If Hilary can do it, than so can I."

Shuttle, Hook and Needle said...

A couple of years ago I came across your blog while looking up rag rugs. Yours was the first blog I began to read and the only one I check daily.
I have always enjoyed your enthusiasm for cats, dogs, looms and your studio. I feel like you have let strangers into your life and let them become your friends. I would miss you very much if you choose to stop blogging but that is something you have to decide for yourself.

In the past 5 years I have lost 6 family members. Losing my Mom, Dad and my second mother (my Aunt) and having to sell our family farm was very, very hard but I am stubborn too and have learned to take joy in the simple things in my life. Sunshine, my kitties, a walk in the woods, wild turkeys coming to the bird feeder, my studio, books, fresh baked bread and so much more I am grateful for each and every day.
You have inspired me to begin my own blog and to go back to being a rag rug weaver.
Please keep blogging about what ever you want. Be honest and never ever edit. I will continue to read as long as you continue to write.
Please keep strong. You do matter to so many people who you have touched through your blog.

ain't for city gals said...

I have pretty much quit blogging...I just feel like I don't want to "share" anymore. It is a decision each of us has to make when the time is right. Everything serves a purpose for a certain time in our life. I often woneder if you took a couple of weeks off and went to the water that you love so much and did absolutely nothing would the headache go away a bit? I love that happy of my favs.

Daryl said...

it is your blog and you can write whatever you want ...

Cait Throop said...

Oh Hilary, so hard with constant pain to make any decisions! I, too, love your blog, your weaving, your animals, your walks, your photographs...Always look forward to reading about what you are doing. Understand about monitoring what we write, though. My kids have taken to reading my blog now so I have to be careful about what I write so I don't upset was easier when they didn't! Maybe you just need a break. Really simplify what you are doing for a while. Please take care!

Annie Coyne said...

Please don't stop blogging! I always enjoy your posts, regardless of their content. It's your attitude, writing skills, and outlook on life that I find rewarding.
Don't worry that 'someone' might not like it - that someone can just not read it, while the rest of us enjoy your musings, rugs, and cat pics.

Lorraine said...

Dear Hilary.
WRITE what you like...IF you like. Do so knowing that you have already given much because all of us would likely agree, that you are an educator, and what all educators should be, and inspiration! Whether it be weaving, critters, relationships or health, I've loved it all and truly appreciate the time and teachings you have unknowingly given me, and all of us! You have my prayers and blessings whatever path you and 'Roy Boy' journey down. May it be one which finds you greater peace!

Christine said...

It's your blog, write whatever you darn well please. If someone doesn't like it they can go write thier own. I think your blog is inspiring.

I'm sorry your headaches aren't getting any better. I remember how annoying the icecream truck in our old neighborhood used to be. I'm afraid I'd have to take the guy out if I had a headache ever day.

mageez said...

Hi Hilary. Please don't stop blogging. I so enjoy reading about your life, your weaving and even Roy boy. I've gone thru months of major pain and not been able to see an end to it. But I survived. You will too. Promise.
I do have a weaving related question - where do you get the fabrics for the rugs? and are they all cottons?
Hang in there. Here's hugs and prayers.

thotlady said...

Ask your neurologist about taking Gabapenten, it's an anti-seizure med that blocks pain. It helps to dull my constant headache so I can function...most days anyway.

linda said...

Dear heart, if you choose to write about yodeling from the top of a caboose in your Black Watch Plaid dirdl we would still read it ~ and you might just get a few comments about it (snicker). Seriously, if it gives you any releif to state "I HAVE A HEADACHE" then shout it from the mountain tops! We are all rooting for you and hoping that HH makes a hasty retreat...can your pain management doc try a new approach for treatment? Would a TENS unit be worth considering? Hope that you wake up one day soon and write "HAH! No headache!"

linda said...

Dear heart, if you choose to write about yodeling from the top of a caboose in your Black Watch Plaid dirdl we would still read it ~ and you might just get a few comments about it (snicker). Seriously, if it gives you any releif to state "I HAVE A HEADACHE" then shout it from the mountain tops! We are all rooting for you and hoping that HH makes a hasty retreat...can your pain management doc try a new approach for treatment? Would a TENS unit be worth considering? Hope that you wake up one day soon and write "HAH! No headache!"

Karen said...

Oh jeez, I sure hope you're not going anywhere.

Cindie said...

I love reading your blog....the ups, the downs, the color, the kids and of course the dog! And I hope for that day when you'll say the headache is a thing of the past.

I would miss your blog post every day but you need to do what feels right to you. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks or says. If blogging makes you feel good keep on, if it's a good place to vent about things, keep on....if it becomes a chore for you then take a break.

I will think positive thoughts that one day HH will be gone.

Welcome to my world.

Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts