Stuff

Ah, life.   Even if we live to be quite old, will we ever really understand it?

Here for a moment, or more. A lifetime, whatever that might be, different for everyone.

I swear it's the luck of the draw, and I am fond of saying that I just play the hand that I am dealt.

For some time now, the cards have sucked.

It's easy to think, sometimes, when life is cruising along without any bumps in the road, that it will always be like that.

And it is.   Until it isn't.

"I always expected to get old, I am just surprised at how quickly it happened".

My A-fib experience started in January 2021, an isolated event.  Then a month later, another, and then another, and eventually it became status quo.   Lots of meds, two ablations, neither of which worked, 

In the middle of this, unexpected death, that stopped me in my tracks.

Now, tomorrow, I am having a cardioversion.  On a new med, the hope is that the cardioversion will put me in a normal sinus rhythm, and that I will stay there.

I have not been able to do anything very physical in so long.  I can't even really walk my dogs.   It has been life changing.

It really puts into perspective all the things that I thought I knew.

Yesterday, I realized that loneliness after losing my husband is not my problem.  I have always been comfortable with solitude, and to be quite honest, in the last few years, my husband pretty much lived in his own head, and didn't have much to say about anything.  So it's not being lonely that confronts me now.  It's living alone.  Not anticipating anyone else's movements in my life.  

I noticed it while sitting on the porch reading a book.  I heard something, stopped, and realized that I was subconsciously expecting him to return at his usual time.   I had not given that up.

And of course, he was not returning at all.

Then I understood it quite clearly.   

I have not ever lived alone, in my whole life..........even divorced, I always had children living with me, and for a long time, my mother.  There was always someone else in the house, another presence, another voice, someone else to consider.

Now, there's no one but me, and two dogs and a cat.

It not loneliness that afflicts me.  It's change.  Major change.  

Then there are those times, when I just miss him.  Someone said once, when speaking of her recently deceased partner.   "He was a pain in the ass, but he was MY pain in the ass."

Ah, how true.

As you get older, you are gobsmacked by the losses.   Parents, friends, people that you had in your life, who made up the fabric of your life, they are gone. 

Sometimes I think that the simpler I keep my life, the more sense it makes.

Every day I save myself by making a list.  Things that I need to do today, this week, sometime.  And I cross them off, and sometimes, start a new list.  It keeps me focused on what's in front of me.  I'm a strong believer that in the worst of times, you do what is right in front of you.  One day at a time, one step at a time.  

I have a big house, and a huge yard, and there are things to be done before winter arrives.  

I have two new Louet looms, to be made operational, and warped.  

I have a weaving guild show coming up.

I make soup.  I bake and give half of it away.  I downsize, frequently.  I have gotten rid of so much stuff that I do not need.  Re-homed it.

I have to admit, I don't go out much.  The grocery store.  The pet store. Big day was a trip to Staples. Thankfully, friends stop in.  Sometimes, they get me out of the house.  

 I'm still not sure that I believe this really happened, but there it goes....the AVL, on its way to Pittsburgh.

And here is the studio, with the new Louet David III in its place, everything looking mighty clean and downsized.

I really changed things up and moved my older Louet loom into the living room.

This is where the dogs like to be when it's their nap time, and the stove is here, so in the winter it's the coziest place to be.   

I love this room, so it feels good to be in here with them.

I also find that if the loom is in here, I sometimes weave for awhile in the evening, when I normally wouldn't.

Can I say right here, that weaving is not only my passion, it has saved me many a time.  It is always a source of comfort.  It is truly my happy place.

Then there's always comfort food.   Even though my appetite has been somewhat wonky the last few months, I find myself leaning towards maybe not things I would normally eat.

This is Trader Joe's pumpkin bread, made into French Toast.

It was delicious.

I'm doing the best I can, and if this helps, who can argue??????

Praying I have good news after this "electrifying" event tomorrow!!!

Later.

Changes

I have been remiss.  I feel like a blogger failure, after all these years.   

Some days I feel like I am on auto pilot, and I just do whatever is right in front of me.

Like the last of the tomatoes.

Roasted with a little EVO and packed in freezer bags, just smaller ones than I used to do.

Adjusting to the new normal.

In other news, Sydney has found the dog door.

She goes out into the dog yard daily now.

Someone asked me if I wasn't worried that she would get out.

My reply was "does she look like she can climb a fence?"

Uh, no.

She usually doesn't go far, and lies in the grass and the sun for hours.

But occasionally, she gets adventurous, which is amazing, considering she has been 

a house cat since 2009, when I found her 5 lb self in my barn, crying for help.

Now, she's just living her life to the fullest.

I'm still drawing, but in pencil for a while.

I am taking a drawing class at the Senior Center, in an effort to get myself 

out of the house.  As you can see, I still want to draw houses.

One of three zinnia plants that the woodchucks didn't get.  Enjoy them while you 

can because soon the frost will hit them.

While I have not been my usual weaving whirlwind, occasionally over the last 3 months, I have sat at the loom for short bursts of time.  Eventually I got through this towel warp. 

I am pretty sure that I have previously done  a post about "Owl Pen Books"......an amazing place 

out in the middle of nowhere.

This is the road to get there.  L and I took a ride.

Again, in an effort to get myself moving out of my comfort zone,  I did the Lake George 

lunch cruise with an old friend.

It's a beautiful ride.

Still, my favorite place to be this summer has been the porch, with a book.

There I can go someplace else, somewhere unlike this spot I've 

found myself in.

And sometimes, it's the best time of the day.

My other "solace" is baking.   I end up giving a lot of it away, but it still makes me feel good 

to do it.

Even before my husband died, I was thinking of revamping my weaving studio, getting

away from production weaving, and trying to narrow my focus, once again.

If you've read my blog over the years, you will know that I have attempted this before, 

but this year, with my own health issues, and losing Bill, it all seems to have become 

real to me.

So because I am a Louet dealer, I bought myself this Louet David III, 44" wide.

That, and my older David, 35" wide, will make up my studio.

Shorter warps, more thoughtful piecces, no 50 yard runs.

Let me just say right here, that putting this loom together was a 7 hour project, 

that was WAY beyond anything that I could have mustered right now.

Thank God for my dear friend, and fellow weaver, Sue, who is totally responsible

for turning a pile of wood and pieces parts, into this beautiful loom.

New looms:  exciting.

Good friends:    priceless.

And that means that this girl is leaving Crazy as a Loom.

The shipper is picking her up next Thursday or Friday, and she will be living in

Pittsburg, PA.

I know you are thinking .......what??   This loom has been a part 

of who I am and what kind of a weaver I have been for the last 10 years.

But honestly, I don't think it is who I am any more, 

or more importantly, who I want to be.

Life changes, and we change with it.  What choice do we really have?

I am hoping that I will find a new passion for weaving, unencumbered by a need to pump

out product.

It's a goal that has eluded me for so long, let's see if the time is right.

The bottom line is:  my life is not the same life that I had 3+ months ago.

I have to find my way, so I have to embrace the possible, even if it's a little scary.

I don't know if I thanked you all for your kind words and condolences, but know that it 

really meant a lot to me.

And I know that you're out there.

Just fine

In my attempt to eat better, and lose some of the weight I've gained in the last year and a half of being so sedentary, here is my $ store bowl for salads.

Underneath all that fiber is a parrot.  Truth.  

Anything that grows has done poorly this hot and dry summer, but this little rose bush I bought for my perennial garden seems to be thumbing her nose at it all.  I love a little attitude.

I have spent an inordinate amount of time at home this summer.   I have not ventured far at all.

That's mostly my mindset, hunkering down, revisiting places in my head,

trying to understand my way forward.

I know I'll find it, even though some days it  appears to be quite illusive.

I am still "drawn" to this crazy hen scratching.  I don't know where it's coming from, 

and I don't know why it's so soothing, but there you have it.

I'll take it.

It has not escaped me that there are no people, no animals, no movement, in these 

pictorials.

I don't know why.

So it was a very quiet Labor Day Weekend at my house.  Just me, two dogs, and a couple of 

cats.  I read a lot.  I did some weaving.  I cleaned.   I took a couple of naps.  I finally

decided that I needed a swift kick.

That resulted in my getting out the indigo dye stuff, and a package of 12 cotton 

towels that I had just for that reason.

They are all tied and clamped and ready with "resist", to be dipped in indigo today.

And the indigo dye vat awaits.  

Do not panic, that's my dye sink.  After today, it will probably be really blue.

I have a list, things I should do.  Buy some new clothes........I hate shopping.  Buy a new pair of shoes..........  Go on a cruise on one of the big boats on Lake George, when the leaves have changed colors.  Have a sale of hand wovens to clear out the old and make room for new.

Take a day trip, or two.

It's part of something I learned in all those years in Al Anon.

Act "as if".

Act as if everything is just fine, and you are just fine, and everything coming up will be just fine.  Even if it isn't.  Keep acting "as if", and one day, without you even knowing how it happened, it will be..........just fine.

One day at a time.

The Park, and some words

I know some of you are wondering how I'm doing with this new normal.   I have to say it is different from day to day.  Some days are much better than others.  I feel a little unmoored, adrift.  I do the things I am supposed to do, but then I end up reading for hours, or drawing, or watching the birds.

I know it will get better.   I know that I will move forward, and eventually get on with it.  Just not yet, I guess.

I do one day at a time.  Sometimes one hour.

My family, and my dear friends, are amazing.   I am so grateful for them.

Let me just take you on a tour of my ridiculously large back yard.

I wanted a bird sanctuary, I think I've got one.

I think that we cross paths with people that we are meant to.   Sometimes we teach them, and other times, they teach us.

I recently reached out to someone that I had never met, on a whim.   

What I heard was exactly what I needed to hear, and what I need to remind myself just about every day, for awhile yet anyway.

"Finally, as an experienced photographer, I have often given novices the advice "You always have a shot. Look. Use your imagination. It's there. You have to find it." is the same in life. Whether it is who you're with, or where you are, or what your circumstances are, you always have a shot."

I don't think I would have put it in those words, but I think that deep down, I wasn't at all 

sure that I did.  Loss will do that to you.   But now I know that it's true. 

 I do, I do have a shot.  

Starting now

I cry in the hot tub.  Sometimes.

In the past, I have cried there, after losing my father, then my mother, then my dearest friend, then another friend,  sweet pups Eddie and Roy, and now the husband I have lived with for the last 23 years.

Maybe it's the steam.

While I sat there early this morning, I watched the birds landing on dead limbs in the pear trees across the driveway.   I had thought to trim those dead branches, and now I realize what  great landing spots they are for young birds.   There were 5 there on one branch today......having a little chat, they were busy being birds.  What a lovely thought.

I have decided that I am the keeper of this 1.2 acres of bird-dom..........and for whatever reason, that's a comforting thought.

Recently, I have spent hours on the screen porch, watching and listening to the birds. I have a family of black squirrels out there, wood chucks aplenty, rabbits, and an occasional fox.

Bill called the back yard that we have spent years clearing........"the park".   

It's still not entirely finished, but almost. Not a landscaper by any means, it has evolved, with only a little direction from me, and a whole lot of synchronicity.

I have also been reading a lot of books.

 

It's quiet.   I am realizing what a giant hole there is in my life.  No amount of cleaning or organizing or busy-ness can fill it.  Only time perhaps, will help the edges come together enough at least so the wind doesn't whistle through it at odd hours.

I am a work in progress, for now.

Cleaning.  Organizing.   When I  can get myself moving.

 DH was not a neat man.

Thank God for these two.......company 24/7......they move with my every movement.

I swear 

they are mentally tuned to me.

This is their bed.

They let me sleep with them.

 

Even now, I try to practice gratitude.   This house provides me with a sense of

safety, and belonging.

DH only planted tomatoes and cukes, and ironically enough, this is his best year ever.

Early morning walks with L and the dogs, to beat the heat.

I must admit my appetite is not what it was, and most of the time I eat because I know I should, or because I get tired of hearing my stomach rumble.  I know that at some point cooking and baking will be a good thing for me, just not yet.

As always, these three are the very best medicine.  Proof that life goes on, that there is joy everywhere, even when you're not looking for it.

When you get older, you realize that only love matters.  The love for family, friends,  fur babies.  What you have thought to be important, all your life, was really just fluff. 

 Only the love that you have given, and the love you have received moves the scale at all.

I still want to stick around, just to watch these three grow up.

As sad as I am, when they ran to me and threw their arms around my body and my legs, screaming "MIMI".........I knew that I would be ok with time.