Starting now

I cry in the hot tub.  Sometimes.

In the past, I have cried there, after losing my father, then my mother, then my dearest friend, then another friend,  sweet pups Eddie and Roy, and now the husband I have lived with for the last 23 years.

Maybe it's the steam.

While I sat there early this morning, I watched the birds landing on dead limbs in the pear trees across the driveway.   I had thought to trim those dead branches, and now I realize what  great landing spots they are for young birds.   There were 5 there on one branch today......having a little chat, they were busy being birds.  What a lovely thought.

I have decided that I am the keeper of this 1.2 acres of bird-dom..........and for whatever reason, that's a comforting thought.

Recently, I have spent hours on the screen porch, watching and listening to the birds. I have a family of black squirrels out there, wood chucks aplenty, rabbits, and an occasional fox.

Bill called the back yard that we have spent years clearing........"the park".   

It's still not entirely finished, but almost. Not a landscaper by any means, it has evolved, with only a little direction from me, and a whole lot of synchronicity.

I have also been reading a lot of books.

 

It's quiet.   I am realizing what a giant hole there is in my life.  No amount of cleaning or organizing or busy-ness can fill it.  Only time perhaps, will help the edges come together enough at least so the wind doesn't whistle through it at odd hours.

I am a work in progress, for now.

Cleaning.  Organizing.   When I  can get myself moving.

 DH was not a neat man.

Thank God for these two.......company 24/7......they move with my every movement.

I swear 

they are mentally tuned to me.

This is their bed.

They let me sleep with them.

 

Even now, I try to practice gratitude.   This house provides me with a sense of

safety, and belonging.

DH only planted tomatoes and cukes, and ironically enough, this is his best year ever.

Early morning walks with L and the dogs, to beat the heat.

I must admit my appetite is not what it was, and most of the time I eat because I know I should, or because I get tired of hearing my stomach rumble.  I know that at some point cooking and baking will be a good thing for me, just not yet.

As always, these three are the very best medicine.  Proof that life goes on, that there is joy everywhere, even when you're not looking for it.

When you get older, you realize that only love matters.  The love for family, friends,  fur babies.  What you have thought to be important, all your life, was really just fluff. 

 Only the love that you have given, and the love you have received moves the scale at all.

I still want to stick around, just to watch these three grow up.

As sad as I am, when they ran to me and threw their arms around my body and my legs, screaming "MIMI".........I knew that I would be ok with time.