Crazy as a Loom

Sunday, July 24, 2022

Starting now

I cry in the hot tub.  Sometimes.

In the past, I have cried there, after losing my father, then my mother, then my dearest friend, then another friend,  sweet pups Eddie and Roy, and now the husband I have lived with for the last 23 years.

Maybe it's the steam.

While I sat there early this morning, I watched the birds landing on dead limbs in the pear trees across the driveway.   I had thought to trim those dead branches, and now I realize what  great landing spots they are for young birds.   There were 5 there on one branch today......having a little chat, they were busy being birds.  What a lovely thought.

I have decided that I am the keeper of this 1.2 acres of bird-dom..........and for whatever reason, that's a comforting thought.

Recently, I have spent hours on the screen porch, watching and listening to the birds. I have a family of black squirrels out there, wood chucks aplenty, rabbits, and an occasional fox.

Bill called the back yard that we have spent years clearing........"the park".   
It's still not entirely finished, but almost. Not a landscaper by any means, it has evolved, with only a little direction from me, and a whole lot of synchronicity.

I have also been reading a lot of books.

It's quiet.   I am realizing what a giant hole there is in my life.  No amount of cleaning or organizing or busy-ness can fill it.  Only time perhaps, will help the edges come together enough at least so the wind doesn't whistle through it at odd hours.

I am a work in progress, for now.

Cleaning.  Organizing.   When I  can get myself moving.
 DH was not a neat man.

Thank God for these 24/7......they move with my every movement.

I swear 
they are mentally tuned to me.
This is their bed.
They let me sleep with them.


Even now, I try to practice gratitude.   This house provides me with a sense of
safety, and belonging.

DH only planted tomatoes and cukes, and ironically enough, this is his best year ever.

Early morning walks with L and the dogs, to beat the heat.

I must admit my appetite is not what it was, and most of the time I eat because I know I should, or because I get tired of hearing my stomach rumble.  I know that at some point cooking and baking will be a good thing for me, just not yet.

As always, these three are the very best medicine.  Proof that life goes on, that there is joy everywhere, even when you're not looking for it.

When you get older, you realize that only love matters.  The love for family, friends,  fur babies.  What you have thought to be important, all your life, was really just fluff. 
 Only the love that you have given, and the love you have received moves the scale at all.

I still want to stick around, just to watch these three grow up.

As sad as I am, when they ran to me and threw their arms around my body and my legs, screaming "MIMI".........I knew that I would be ok with time.


Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you for your loss. I hope your happy memories will help you through this difficult time.

deodar said...

Oh my dear, I lost my guy 4-1/2 years ago and I miss him every. single. day. I found it particularly hard when I was out and about and saw or heard or read something and thought 'I have to remember to tell J that', then realized he wasn't there to hear it. For better than a month I resorted to writing those things down as if I was telling him, strangely enough that helped. It was, is, by God, the most awful thing I've ever experienced but while it never gets better, it does get easier. I dealt by keeping frantically busy, often with heavy work - building a closet, pouring concrete cobble stones. For me that helped. Do whatever helps you.

Unknown said...

Those three mites look to have plenty of love for you right now. Enjoy their happiness, it will be healing.

Rita said...

Yes, love is all that matters in the end.
Those three little faces are a healing sight.

dakotacheryl said...

So sorry to read of the loss of your beloved husband. It sounds like your family, fur family and beautiful home is providing strength and comfort.

Your post was so beautifully and thoughtfully written.

Caroline M said...

I am so sorry. As someone already said, it gets easier rather than better. It's been four years fpr me and although this is not the life I'd imagined, it's not a bad life. Change is hard but we go on, because we have to.

Maryse said...

So sorry Hilary! Yes it gets easier with time. I lost my guy 24 years ago, I still miss him immensely but the corners are a little rounder. Wishing you the best.

Karen said...

I think of you often and hope the jagged edges soften with time and life grabs you by the hand and shows you new and interesting things again. Those kids, they are adorable!! And Thank the powers that be for Dogs and animals in our lives.

Daryl said...

I dont get to FB ever and so i didnt know your husband had passed, i am so very sorry .. ironically today would have been our, Ray's and mine, 44th wedding anniversary .. i spent most of this day crying and turned to email to distract myself and give my sinuses a break only to see this post of yours .. Hilary, i really am so sorry and i really know how hard it is .. love a strong love is all the harder to lose that empty space i know it too .. i am so glad you have you fur babies and your beautiful grandchildren and lovely daughters .. sending you hugs and empathy ..

Anonymous said...

I am so glad to find you are still here. I used to read your blog every day. I was weaving then a lot. It was when you had lots of sweet outdoor cats. I cried for every one of them. My husband, Richard, died April 22. You have described just what I am feeling. Thank you for still sharing your life with us. Vicki Allen, Dublin, Georgia

Welcome to my world.

Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts