Over the last few months, I have become tearful at the drop of a hat.
I blame it on the headache.
An example, just a while ago, I was driving up the highway, having fetched two grands for the day, and I saw a plane overhead. He was low, and seemed to be barely moving.
And suddenly, I remembered the plane that was landed on the Hudson, shortly after leaving La Guardia......actually only 6 minutes into the flight. They were hit by a flock of Canadian geese, and lost both engines. The pilot gracefully put the Airbus onto the Hudson, next to Midtown Manhattan, (an incredible feat) when in all reality, the aircraft could have end over ended like a Frisbee.
155 people walked off the wing, and to safety, back to their lives.
Driving on a sunny day, thinking of it, I started to tear up.
That happens to me a lot.
I wonder about it sometimes. Was it the blow to the back of my head? Did it scramble my brain up too much?
Is it the Chiari? Squeezing my brain, so that now it is a quivering blob that feels too much?
Or is it just having a pounder day after day after day, that makes me feel so vulnerable, and sensitive, so that sometimes I just feel like I am a huge rawness that can't take even the slightest breeze without wincing.
Sometimes I imagine that I am so alone, and it makes my heart ache.
Perhaps, it is being alone with this headache that does it.....because no matter how you slice it, no one really knows how you feel.
The quality of my days is impaired in the way I operate. Normally, I am a class act multitasker. Seriously, I am.
But now, and for months, I find that there is already too much going on in my brain to concentrate the way I used to.
It's a shocker, let me tell ya.
The frustration level is high......after months trying to investigate, going from doctor to doctor, treatment to treatment, and still with no answers. Cut loose from the medical community, while they send me here, and there, and back here again.
Then there are the times that, in spite of my best intentions, I find myself asking, "Why me?"
I don't linger there long.
Another voice is quick to answer that one.
"It's the luck of the draw. There is no rhyme, no reason. No one is saying you deserve this. It just IS what it IS. Get over it."
And yet another: "I can do this. I can cope with this. I am not giving in to this headache. NOT TODAY."
I have drawn heavily on my experience with Al Anon. Not looking too far ahead. Not worrying if I can deal with this whole experience, not knowing where it will end, or even if it will.
But knowing that today, JUST TODAY, I can do this.
I can handle this today. I can get through today. This headache will not kill me TODAY.
So, I do one day at a time.
And sometimes, I cry.
But that's ok, too. I let the tears fall. I dry my eyes, and then I get on with it.
All I have is today.
Let me make it the most alive and wonderful day that I can make it.
It's the least, and the best, that I can do.