If you read it first, maybe all this will make more sense.
I've been having more of a headache for the last few weeks, which I have attributed to the high ragweed pollen count, plus other allergens. Add that to my already compromised head, and it puts my headache right over the top.
This morning, on top of my worse than usual headache, I got the jagged light in my eye, promising a migraine to really be the "frosting on the cake", so to speak.
I had an OMT appointment at 12:15pm, so in spite of the fact that I really wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere, I managed to get myself over there....it's a half hour drive.
During it, I had a disconcerting experience....you might say that my mind wandered off, trying to get away from this head and neck that felt like someone had poured concrete there, and then dropped me off the roof of a building.
I clearly saw this room, as if I were standing in the doorway, looking in. There were no windows in the room, so the light came from the open door. There was a large table, long, to seat at least 12 people, and on the table there was an "oil cloth".....no kidding...... There was a door to the right, and I could see a stairway out there, and there was a room behind this room I stepped into, and it was open straight through, but I couldn't say what it was. For a few moments, it was so real, and I felt that any minute, all these people were about to sit down to a meal.
Then I heard this voice, that said, "This is your head, and YOU alone have the answers to this pain. You can access those answers if you try."
No, I am not drinking. It was all very real, and at the end of the OMT session, I felt just as awful as I did when I got on the table.
On the way home, I started thinking about it, and about the "tiny life" concept, and also about the concept of "enough', and still about "if not now, when?"
And I asked myself, "if you could do anything that you wanted, what would it be?"
Travel? Adventure? Novelty? Excitement?
That's when the tears came. Because I realized that none of that matters, not one whit.
I only want a life without this headache.
I don't need to see other countries, climb mountains, see Broadway plays, sky dive, learn new things.
Not one thing appeals to me, makes me want to plan my getaway.
I just want this "tiny life" and I want it without a headache.
Oh, I know that is probably not going to happen. I know that 8 years into it, there is probably no light at the end of this tunnel.
I can only hope for better days, less headache, the chance to do the things right in front of me,
So for today, it's heat on the neck, more Advil, rest, and not much else.
And hopefully, by tomorrow, I will have kicked this old body square in the behind, and told myself to "get the hell over it". By then, maybe I will have counted all my blessings, and put it all in perspective.
But sometimes it's good to call it what it is. Because it's hard. So I curse it out, cry a little.
Then I'll let it go.
I think you will do it.x
I envy your eloquence. I am sorry your headache is so eternal.
oh boy...please don't give up. I am a year into chronic pain but mine is my mouth and teeth. Maybe in eight years I will feel different but right now I have hope. Find someone you can talk to...not necessarily a MD. Then really and truly eliminate things that could be causing (or least not helping) and do them. Take a year with that. If it means not weaving for a year then so be it. Write about it here. Try massage ...anything that doesn't necessarily mean more drugs. Schedule time in a warm climate this winter. I too love my little life but I have started going to a TMJ and pain center to Dr. Vermani who has started me talking about what is really happening with my life the last few years. I don't know what I was expecting (I guess more drugs) but that is not what it is for sure. Too much to go into here and do not know is this is the answer but it gives me hope. Without hope we have nothing.
I had a perpetual headache for two years after my daughter's accident/coma/rehabilitation. It then morphed into Fibromyalgia - all over body pain. BUT.. the headache was gone. I can honestly say the trade or whatever you'd call it, was a good one. Living with a chronic headache is awful, and I wish you didn't have that woe. When my body pain is bad, I do what you do... trudge through it one minute at a time - because that's all we've got.
I know weaving is your everything, you absolutely love it... but...from the outside looking in, it seems logical that the logistics of weaving absolutely contribute to your head/neck/shoulder pain. Can you give it up for six months and see what that brings you? I can no longer play the piano or hear music due to my hearing loss, and music has meant so much to me in life.... and I'm here to tell you it's not killing me to be without it. If I can do that, you can give up weaving for half a year, to see if it dramatically improves your headache experience.
Hilary, please talk to a good counselor about that vision. You are a tough and independent, but sometimes you just need someone else to see what you may not be able to see. Hoping today is a better day.
Sending hugs, warm neck wraps, and silence.
I pray you feel better soon hugs!
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