Crazy as a Loom

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

News and serious talk.

First off, some news.  I am going to do some weaving weekends this year.  Sign up is on my web site, or you can email me.  So far two scheduled, one for April 18-20, and one for May 16-18.  I may do more, but that's it for now.

I just looked back at my blogging history......I started tentatively in 2007 with SEVEN posts.   Then in 2008, I ramped it up to a big 35 posts.
Then I got my groove on in 2009 with 205, and even more in 2010 with 241.
In 2011, I really was cruising along, and posted 328 times.
It is evident that after I started with the headaches, in October 2011, that change was coming.
In 2012, I posted 260 times.
And with 2 surgeries  in 2013, I only posted 156 times.
Why do I mention this???

Well, I  am spending some time in the deep south, staying warm for the winter, as much as is humanly possible.   It isn't really a vacation exactly, although that is what it feels like.  Mostly, I came because I was looking for some relief from my head.   I have concluded (and I hope that I am right) that much of my headache comes from outside forces....mostly pressure changes, in the weather, and in how the weather affects my sinuses.   I am also pretty sure that in severe cold temperatures, I scrunch my neck up almost constantly, muscle contraction and abuse that directly affect my neck and my head.
So far, it appears to be true.
My headache is much, much better.  So far.

But in addition to all that, I knew I needed to regroup. 
If you talk to anyone who has had brain/head surgery, they will all tell you the same thing.
It changes them.
Someone once said to me, "well it wasn't brain surgery exactly, it was on your NECK."
First off, they did have to repair the dura of my brain in the first surgery.  Secondly, if you look at a schematic of your head, you will see that C1, 2 and 3, are in the MIDDLE of your head.

Sorry, but "NECK MY A$$."

Anyway, I rant and digress.

Somehow, since all this has happened to me, I am different.  It is very difficult to explain.....I am me, but different.
My Chiari friend said that it felt that her brain had been rebooted.   That's close.
It has shuffled up my priorities.   It has changed how I feel about a lot of things, and what I think about a lot of things.
It feels sometimes that I have been dropped into a different country, and I am not sure I speak the same language.
I have less filters than I ever had........and I never had many.    I have less tolerance for drama than before,  if that's possible.
My relationship with "tact", which has not been good my whole life, has plummeted.
I find myself re-evaluating everything.   I am constantly re-planning, re-thinking, and driving myself crazy wondering why I can't settle.
I have had what I call "lust for land".......I peruse properties on the internet, EVERYWHERE.   Like I will ever move to New Mexico, or Montana.  I scan houses on, and then find them on google maps.   I try to imagine what my life would be like if I pulled up roots and moved to one of these places tiny towns, mostly, in the middle of nowhere.   I worry that I am missing the life I could have somewhere else.   But where?

But I know this sickness.  Alcoholics call it 'geographical change'.  They think that moving somewhere else will make it better, chase away their demons, when in fact, the demon is with them wherever they go.
As mine will likely be.  This head, and all the trauma that has befallen it in the last two years, belongs to me, and no one else.  It demands that I do the best I can with it, one day at a time.

I know that I really don't want to move to some strange place, and start all over.  But there is some frantic part of me, like the drinker, who wishes for something that will make it all go away.  And like the drinker, recovery will always be a part of my life.
I know that.
Moving is not the answer.  

Roy and I walk every morning, 3 miles in the sunshine, to the ocean.   I think about all of this feeling of unrest, craziness really,  I try to put my finger on the core of it, but it eludes me every time.

I only know for sure that in the last two years I have lost my mother, I have lost the life and the  self  I knew and was comfortable with, and insult upon injury,  I have lost my best friend, as well.
Enough already.

I am just not sure who I am anymore, that is the awful truth.

There are, thankfully, a few things I am dead on positive about, one  is my love for my family.

My love for my friends, my dog and my cats.

My love of my looms.

Maybe they will help me find me again.  I  hope so.


Anonymous said...

I am sorry that you are feeling so lost, but I'm glad you know that moving won't solve the issues. You have had a rough row to hoe these last couple of years. I'm kind of in the same boat, though without the headache from hell. In 1 year I lost my daughter (car accident) and my Sweetie (cancer), and I too am struck with wanderlust. But the idea of moving the flock ad giving up my home is not appealing.

Best wishes that you find yourself again.

The Village Queen said...

Hang in there Hilary, you have a lot to adjust to. The grieving process alone wipes many people out and you have more than that to deal with. You are right about moving, you take your life along with you. BUT if being a snowbird (south for the winter) makes you feel better, well then its just becomes a 2nd location for the shop! Be gentle with yourself, and just enjoy each moment, the future will sort itself out when you get there. Thanks for sharing your 'vacation', its pretty and Im glad you are getting some head relief.

JC said...

I haven't been in to see you in a while. Been busy with life and recovering from my latest surgery. I've had five in the last 18 months. Not to be counting or anything.

I think I told you that I was in a coma eight years ago. Had to relearn everything.

I so know that feeling of why am I here and why did I come back.

I am not the same. I never will be. I look sort of like the same but as I walk this world, slowly, I am forever a new person.

May the warm weather help your headaches.


Karen said...

I don't think you're lost, Hilary. Change is the one thing we can all count on in this life, besides death and taxes. We morph as time moves forward, our needs and circumstances change, our kids grown up, our parents pass on.. etc., our health fluctuates.. It's how we handle those things that determines the flavor, the direction, the impact on our lives. You're at a crossroads of sorts, and truly the world is your oyster. You know clearly what works for you and what doesn't, you know what you love with all your heart. Follow your heart, clear the way - let go and let yourself live. Looks like you're doing just that... stop overthinking it.. just live it, just be. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.. to steal someone elses quote.

claudia said...

Oh My! I just started doing a property search. My dad passed in December and I lived with him for fourteen months before that to care for him. I now have my house and I am cleaning out his house and what do I do? Start looking at other properties!
I think you are not lost. I think you are looking at your possibilities, all of them. There is nothing encumbering about your future.
Have fun in whatever you decide to do, make yourself as comfortable as possible. Why struggle with anything at all?
I'm glad the south and the temperatures are giving you a much needed break from most of that darned headache.
I told my sister that I couldn't wait for life to get back to "Normal" she laughed...I think it's going to be a while. Same for you...hang in there!

Susan said...

I hope that you find the sweet spot. That is a whole lot of misery to be rained down on a person. Glad to hear about the weaving workshops (now that I know I live so close!) Enjoy the warmth, if there is any down there right now. Enjoy your dogs and cats. Enjoy your family.

It's interesting how many people have medical degrees....

Connie in Hartwood said...

I admire you more than I can express. Who needs filters and the like anyway? We do what we must. For now, it seems like you must take care of yourself, walk your dog, and figure out where you go from here. I think you are well on your way to somewhere wonderful and rewarding. Thank you for allowing us to come along with you.

Peg Cherre said...

You will find you - the you that you are - alone and with your loved ones. It may not be - will likely not be - the you that you were, but it will be the you that you are now. Life changes us. The best we can do is try to adapt, seek happiness. I know that you do the constantly, and you are in inspiration to me and MANY others who read your blog. Do what you need to do to punch down those headaches - like spend the really cold weeks down south - and love the life that you have.

Anonymous said...

HIlary, keep walking and thinking about the things you need to work out for yourself. You are one tough cookie whom I admire very much. I am so happy to hear that HH is down graded to a 3 while you are in the warmer climate. Enjoy yourself, soak up the sun and don't worry we all love you like crazy.

Sharon said...

And the other thing they talk about in AA - taking one day at a time. I've thought about what you said - about rebooting. I don't know about that, but I do know that I'm willing to waste time on the inconsequential. You have a lot to think about before next winter - trading climate for family. Ouch.

Country Gal said...

I get headaches from the air pressure change in the weather it has been happening for years and my Dr said it is the cause to most peoples headaches with or with out injury . If being in a warmer climate makes you feel better then all the power to you . I had a nervous break down years ago and lost who I was and it has taken many years to even come close to who I was , I was hospitalized for it as I suffered and still do of depression ,. even though I feel better now a days it can still creep up on me from time to time . I think you are doing well with the struggles you have endeared and hope and pray you continue doing well one step at a time each day will get better . Thanks for sharing . Have a good time in the warm sun .

Devon said...

I can not begin to know how you feel. One thing I am beginning to understand is that change from a comfortable life brings with is restlessness and a bit of anxiety... stepping into the unknown makes me want to return to a place of comfort.

I wish you peace... I have come to admire you so much in the blogging world...

Good luck!

Unknown said...

Thank you for sharing who you are-there is something you express about searching for who you are that touches me deeply-no injury here-but on the search- I think I am headed in the right direction as are you-Looking forward to your return to the North Country-XO

Daryl said...

add less stress to why your headache - f@#k it IT was your head - has lessened .. just sayin ...and as to losing your best friend, well i dont know what is behind that BUT if this friend was indeed your best one maybe you were aiming too low .. hugs to you and Roy

Vicky said...

After having radiation twice to my brain- I told my doctor immediately afterwards that I felt completely different- like a profound change had occurred and yet I felt completely the same in some regards too. It definitely changed me!! And its so hard to articulate, but I think you did a really good job of doing just that. Its like we want to go back to our "life" but we aren't the same and it doesn't all work the same anymore- so who the heck are we then? If anyone will figure it out- it will be you- of that I have no doubt!!

thewiildmagnola said...

It is no wonder at the confusion you feel. Ongoing for at least two years.

Possibly this has shaken your faith in a firm foundation.

No one of us knows how we would handle this. Until, God forbid, this happened to us.

My son was killed in 1981, 8 years old, so maybe I know a life altering situation.

You are changed, you are searching, for the things that will restore your own personal peace.

I believe you are on the right track. It doesn't hurt to look under every rock, and into the heavens, for your health.

These are only my thoughts.

You have indeed had brain surgery! Really!

Roy is a grand companion and the south is charming!


The Little Black Dog said...

What beautiful pictures. There is something about sunshine and warmth that inspires, comforts and heals in a way that cold winters just cannot. Take your time, settle into your new self (I am so glad the headaches have been less!), and take your time to adjust. Maybe moving after some thought will be the right thing to do, maybe not but in time you will know. Until then enjoy those walks and the sunshine.

Annie said...

I've always lived by this saying - "Don't run away from something without having something to run to." It has prevented me from making unwise choices during life's tough times, cuz that's usually when I'm locked into "emotional" thinking. Taking a "warm vacation" and then doing weaving workshops sound like you're headed in the right direction. Enjoy every day.

Hilary said...

I have no idea who would have the audacity to suggest neck surgery. Seriously.

You have many good loves.. and many who love you. I know you'll find your new groove. It's a process.

For now, enjoy the warmth and the relief from the worst of the headaches.


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