Crazy as a Loom

Saturday, January 18, 2014

A few thoughts.

Today I was walking Roy and the thought ran through my head that I needed to call my mother.
Of course, I immediately teared up, my throat got tight, and I felt that sharp pain of loss that sneaks up on me sometimes with no warning.

Then I remembered  something that  a friend of my daughter said.

"When you miss talking to her, just talk to her."

So I did.
Walking the 3 miles to the beach, with the wind blowing and the sun beating down from a clear blue sky, I talked to my mother.
I told her how much I missed her, and how sorry I was that the last two years of her life, I was so miserably in pain.  I was often short with her, and I know that without the headache from hell, I could have been a better daughter.   A better caretaker.
I told her I was trying to get better.
I told her that I loved her, and always would.

There have been times in my life when I couldn't cry, when it was ok to cry.
But those tears always catch up to me later, I am vulnerable when I least expect it.

Someone I love recently told me that there had been so much loss lately.  
I understand that.
Loss, and change.
They seem to come together.

But everything I lose, and every change that comes down the pike, makes me treasure my life just that much more.

Every breath, every single moment.

 I am so grateful for the  friends and family that have stood by me.   I couldn't have done it without them.


TexWisGirl said...

you made me shed a few tears, myself, tonight.

Dizzy-Dick said...

I think you have your life figured out. Hoping the best for you.

KarenInTheWoods said...

Yes, it's sooo good to do that. I often talk to my grandma. And she is often in my dreams... letting me know she hears me.

Karen and Steve
(Blog) RVing: The USA Is Our Big Backyard

Country Girl said...

Morning, Hilary. Your photos are beautiful in this post. What a lovely walk. I know what you mean by wanting to phone her. I did that too, after Andrew died. I would often call him on the way home, or from work mid-day and caught myself with my hand on the phone one day. What a good idea to just talk to them anyway. I really like that.

You did the best you could do in a difficult situation, Hilary. Think of all the good you did. I sometimes think I didn't do my best. And then I beat myself up a little bit and get over it. I don't think we should beat ourselves up anymore.

Daryl said...

hugs to you .. good advice that .. i still talk to my mom she passed in 2001 3 months after my dad passed .. i didn't cry for either of them but have cried many times since .. i gave a mutual friend of ours advice recently i told her dont explain to anyone or to yourself, when that feeling of grief washes over you just let it ... just let it .. xo

Carol said...

Yes to all of your thoughts today...I also talk to my husband when he comes to mind which is most of the time. They are always with us I believe...we carry them in our hearts. A friend told me the other day after so much loss one starts to get comfortable with the juxtaposition of grief and joy in ones day to day life because it just is. I can see that to be true for me, otherwise we would not survive. Glad you got away to the warmth with your husband and Roy...soak it up and enjoy, as I know you will> Peace.

rosek1870 said...

Hang in there Hilary! I talk to my mom all the time and I know she hears me. I like to believe that when I feel that urge to talk its my mom saying hi! She and I used to talk every day and I miss that. Know she is looking down and knows all, including why you were short with her in her final years. Take care and enjoy your vacation!!

Cait Throop said...

I'm so glad you are in a warm place...I, too, have been wanting to pick up the phone to call my Mom...To keep her up-to-date, to tell her about that old doll house, to make her laugh. A lifetime of memories. I hope she is somewhere where she can understand how much she meant to me. The emotions certainly do come unexpectedly and your sharing is so welcome, Hilary. Hugs.

Hilary said...

Like Daryl, I wasn't visibly emotional at the deaths/funerals and early aftermath of each for each of my parents. To this day, I can't explain why that was.

Everyone grieves in their own way.. their own time.. at their own pace. It's a process but I think you (and your daughter's friend) have the right idea.

It looks lovely where you are right now.

Karen said...

You were a fine daughter and I often marveled at how good you were to your mother.

There's no way we can know until we die that there is no communication with those who have passed, nothing left of their strong spirit. So talk to her whenever the mood strikes...She might be listening. I am not religious and I don't know that there is anything beyond the beyond.. I dont' know that there isn't, either.

what a great place to walk and relax and talk and just sit with yourself for a while.

Stickhorsecowgirls said...

My dad has been gone 22 yrs. and sometimes I do talk to him--just like he was sitting there near me --and I do believe he is in a sense always with me. Anyway, it gives me comfort and sometimes clarity as to what I wish I could talk to him about.

Welcome to my world.

Because every thread counts

Because every thread counts