Crazy as a Loom

Monday, June 18, 2018

Thinking at 6am.

On one of my walks, I found this feather.  Looks like a blue jay.

Birds just amaze me, so I treasure this.

Lois and I did the Beekman Street Fair last Sunday.  The weather was stellar.  The crowd was never ending.  The sales were shocking.

It was a good show.

We sold so many möbius shawls, now we have to get weaving to restock.  More shows coming.

My youngest daughter came with her two little ones.   A vendor down the street from me was selling handmade baby (doll) carriers, so as soon as my granddaughter got there, we went and got one for her and for "baby".
 She had also been to the craft tent, where she felt right at home.

This lady rocked this möbi.   I was sure she was going to buy it, but it wasn't in her budget.

Finally home, and unpacked, it was time for a rest.  Shows can be exhausting.  

Coming home to this old house is always a comfort.   I still pinch myself some days.  When I was younger, I always dreamed of owning an old house like this, full of character and history.
I am still stunned that it's mine for this space of time on earth.

Occasionally, my three girls badger me about moving closer to them.  They are only an hour away, but they think it would be nice to have me within a few miles.

It will never happen, I'm afraid.  I know the deal.
They are busy now, they would be just as busy if I lived down the road.  

And I could never leave this house that I love, where I feel at home, where friends stop in unannounced,  to live in a place that I don't love, and don't know.  A place, where I know I would probably not see them any more than I do now.

I see the little ones the most, because that daughter doesn't work outside the home....she has her hands full already.
 My older grandchildren are busy: school, jobs, sports, friends.   I miss the days when Mimi was at the center of their lives.  But I accept that life happens, times change.  There is no point wishing it were otherwise.
So I take every opportunity to soak up being Mimi to these two.

Look at those faces.  Makes my heart ache, I love them so much.

I am grateful, beyond explanation, for the chance to get to know them, and for them to know me.   I don't know how much they will remember when they grow up.   I just hope that they remember that they had a Mimi, and her love for them was boundless.

My kids don't like to talk about it, but me..........well, I have no illusions.
I am pretty sure I will not live to be as old as my parents.    I am painfully (pun intended) aware of what was done to the back of my head.   My experience as a nurse, and my time in the OR, makes it quite clear to me that hands and instruments and mayhem resided inside the back of my head, not for one surgery, no, but for three.

A couple of weeks ago, I was weaving, yes, for too long.   I had a searing pain in the back of my neck.   Now my neck, being fused, is always somewhat painful.  But this was different.   It got my attention.  The onset of a fierce headache behind my eyes told me to stop what I was doing.  So I did.

I immediately became cold, all over cold.  I was so cold, that I was shivering, on a perfectly nice day.

Then my fingers, all but my thumbs, became numb at the finger tips.

All this lasted for about 20 minutes.  Since then, my headaches have rumbled around my head with abandon.  At times, it is a throbbing pain, at others it feels like something is impaling my eye.

Damage was done inside my head.  I know it, personally.   I'm not crying about it.  Just stating a fact. We are all going to die, even while we try not to think about it.   Denial doesn't work.   Everyone has their time on this earth, and it has an end date.  But most of us feel, without reason, that we have forever.
Then there are some of us, who intimately know better, at some gut level, the truth has become quite real to us.
We don't have unlimited time, like we used to think.

So everything becomes more precious.  Every observation, every connection, every feeling.

I know my girls and my grands will be fine without me someday,   they are strong and independent.

This girl?  Not so much.  
I am a little stressed that if I am correct about my assumption that my life span is not going to be long, what will happen to her?

She is so sweet, and dependent, and needy.   My knowledge that you can't have any control when you're gone, battles with my deep desire to know that she will be ok, and loved.

Aren't we the maudlin one this morning????

Don't we all get that way occasionally?  or is it a taboo subject???

On a brighter note, I read about the "remoska"..........which I can't buy because it won't work on US voltage.  They seem to be popular in England.

So I found this one, by Emeril....much bigger than the traditional Czechoslovakian remoska, but otherwise the same.
The heating element is in the cooks like an oven at 375 degrees, and I love it.

 Makes amazing roast potatoes, rhubarb crisp......corn on the cob wrapped in foil.......baked potatoes..
uses way less energy than your oven........bottom can go on the stove top to brown things first, or just use it in the stand that it's in.
The bottom washes like a breeze.  And it doesn't heat up your kitchen.

I bought it on Amazon for $ have to look around for that price........

I've been dyeing again........   first DIE is the subject matter......but stay with it's DYE.

 I have it down to a science, and it always feels amazing and uplifting, creating all the combinations of color that are possible.

The loom dog watches our every move as we warp the loom with some of my hand dyed cotton.

  Two warps in one day....???   Yep, we were on a roll........

A natural warp is a lovely background for some of the colors I am coming up with.  I want to try them all.

A little navy abaca to start.........which is a fiber made from banana trees.......

And measuring picks so I can compute how much weft to dye for my next project.

Yes, I know that it is not likely that I will live a long life.

But it's the life I'm living today that matters.  This day.  The one I have.  That belongs to me.

This day, is going to be a good one.

And then, I'll take just one day at a time.

Because in the end, isn't that really all we can do?????


KarenA said...

One day at a time is good, but never stop making plans! That is when a person loses the fight.

I was diagnosed with MS last year (in my 50's - say what?!), which automatically chops 5-10 years off my life expectancy. Hell no, I changed my diet, upped the tumeric and omega 3 and cut out all dairy (that is the hard part). So far I feel great, and I have every intention of staying that way, so I am arranging to buy a another loom. said...

Your weaving is amazing. The dying part is realistic. We each only have a limited amount of time and at our ages( I'm 65 soon to be 66) we need to embrace that. Yes, we still need to love our lives and be present but still. I live with Multiple Myeloma( 13 years now) but I am in remission right now. Life expectancy was 3-5 years with myeloma when I was first diagnosed. So I've beaten the odds. But, I don't take anything for granted and as you say" live this day' as it is the day we have.
I love your house too.

Peg Cherre said...

I'm feeling fragile today, for unknown reasons, so your post brought tears to my eyes and snuffles to my nose, because it is all so true. I am very grateful that I am healthy, but my body does not respond the way it used to, for sure. I do what I can to keep it moving, try to take off weight, and enjoy my life, my kids, and my grands. Thank you for everything. (P.S. Did you get my email about some cones/not cones/don't know what they're called?)

justjill said...

I also know that I will not live long so I make sure I do as much pleasurable things as I am able to. We all face the Black Dog, but recognising it is half the battle.

C Reeder PhxAz said...

Great heartfelt post - you are good at those. We live in these bodies and know the make up in there - including when something is “off.” I live from being misdiagnosed with MS when I really had a mini stroke. 13 years later I had another major MS attack - this time in ER a doctor appeared to treat me properly. Stroke again. These were at age 26 and 39. Now in my 60’s I too have headaches that are strange inside my head. Can’t have any steroids at all ever. Over medicated for a disease I never had while the real one went unattended. I too look at life in It’s present stage taking each day as it stands on its own. My true blessing was found from it all when I was introduced to the world of needle arts by a physical therapist to get my body back in sync. Never underestimate the power of art in healing. I love your blog. Check it often. I too worry about my dog when it’s my turn to go! Blessings on your day.

Threadbare Designs said...

I have to say, I really enjoy your posts. Even when the subject matter is serious, you are so thoughtful and eloquent in expressing your thoughts. In this day and age, where an awful lot of flash in the pan ideas get posted for all the world to see, you bring a wisdom that I find very uplifting!

farmer's wife weaving said...

Good post for me to read today, today is my 61st birthday and I am feeling fine and frisky. Hilary, I am thinking that the more we realize we need to live in the moment the better we are able to appreciate all we have in life. Not talking about possessions, I am talking about the sky above us, the grandkids we adore, the dogs that mean so much to us, our beloved spouse - these are what matter.

Keep living in the moment girl, you are doing a great job.

ps - DAMN headache!

Joanne Noragon said...

Hello, Hillary, and thanks for stopping. I've been here before, but your activity and wonderful colors made my head spin so, a year ago. I'm coming off a major head injury, too, a year ago. But, this time I'll re-up. Great stuff.

Bovey Belle said...

Hilary - just discovered your blog after you posted on mine. Weaving is one thing I never did start on, though I spin a little when I am of a mind, and I still threaten to dye more wool. I love your work and can weave vicariously as I watch you.

I am sorry that you have health worries too and it is scary to admit to them. I think my post was partly admitting to knowing my asthma will only get worse as I age.

Still, let us enjoy each and every day and count our blessings daily.

I have no grandchildren yet but yours look such poppets and I can understand the overwhelming love you feel for them.

Karen said...

Well, if it eases your mind, I will always be available to give Naya another home, SHOULD SHE EVER NEED IT. However.. *ahem..... you aren't going anywhere any time soon - I do believe, despite your physical issues, you're going to see Naya through to old age. I just feel it's so. So.

MarthaVA said...

Hilary, your post makes me want to cry, then go out and LIVE my life! I, too, know what it’s like to have life cut short after the major heart attack I had in 2007, which killed me. Luckily, my husband got me to the ER moments before I died...and luckily, they brought me back. I hope you don’t leave this earth any time soon - your work is gorgeous. I’m pining for the first and last warps. I’d love to learn to dye cotton from you.
Wishing you well, and hoping you’re around for a very, very long time - for all of us, your beautiful daughters, your grands, and beautiful Naya.

deodar said...

I, myself am pretty healthy (knock wood) but between early June of 2017 and the end of Feb. 2018 my husband went from a pulled, possibly torn chest muscle to dying from a rare soft tissue cancer. To say fall and winter was difficult is an understatement. It did, however, underscore the need for me to 'keep swimming'. Going through all the complications that dying entails also drove me to simplify everything that will need taking care of after I'm gone. Even to the point of instructions for what to do with my dog(s) (I have two right now) and any other animals who might outlive me. Right now that's two horses, two goats, a mini pig, a donkey and various chickens. Just filing that list of instructions in the file with my will and trust and a copy to my lawyer lifted a great weight. Now I will live each day.

claudia said...

Three years ago, I didn't think I would live to see this day, all because of stupid things I did when I was younger...I smoked, now I have COPD. Luckily, medicine is coming up with some good stuff to keep me breathing properly. In this past three years, I have just done what I wanted to do. Bought the size of property that I wanted, moved myself and my youngest (adult) daughter 900 miles from where I grew up and raised her, got horses, goats, chickens, geese, dogs, rabbits, etc., etc.
Today my grandson and I are on an adventure like I used to take in my twenties. We are on a road trip for me to see old friends and family back "home" and the grandson is going to meet cousins, aunts and uncles that he "acquired when his dad met and fell in love with my daughter. (They are back at the farm holding it down while I traipse up and down the west coast.) Don't know when we will be back...sometime before school starts again I suppose! As long as we are having fun and haven't overstayed our welcome anywhere!
One day at a it to the fullest!

Denise at Autumn Sky said...

My honey always says, we only have today. It helps me when I feel anxiety about the stop and appreciate the day, our lives, the people we love, our animals. Being realistic is good, but so is dreaming and feeling hopeful for tomorrow.

Lori said...

You are so lucky to have those adorable grandkids close by. Ours live in guatemala!

I hope despite your surgeries, you will live a long happy life and get to enjoy watching your grandchildren grow up.

Daryl said...

one day at a time, one step at a time .. and overall be kind to yourself (and others) ... hugs

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