It's probably a good thing not to get too comfortable, so much so that you think that there are no more bumps in the road.
Because it's just not true. Ever.
Since my little episode of finger numbness, I have once again had the headache from hell. Has it been three weeks? I think so. It has been so intense, it has actually made me wake up from a sound sleep, many nights. With no break, I get frazzled, occasionally weepy for no other reason. I feel off track, a little disoriented. I try to keep busy and not think about it, but how does one ignore something that feels like a weight over your eyes; and sometimes a knife sticking in one of them. And my neck, oh, my neck.......it's a constant ache that nothing much helps.
Hard, let me just say that. It's hard.
So finally, I emailed my surgeon. Haven't talked to him in a few years, so honestly wondered if he was retired, or if he would even answer.
But he did, within a couple of hours.
There are apparently several reasons why this may be happening........it could mostly be related to posture, muscles in my fused neck, etc. If that is the case, then physical therapy might help.
The other possibility is that the screws in my neck could have backed out a bit, pressing where they shouldn't be pressing. You can probably guess the fix for that.
So I'm having a CT scan this week, to see if there's an answer, and a direction to head into.
I will say this: when your head has slammed for weeks, night and day, and it's hard to even concentrate, you don't really care how they make it better......you only care that maybe they can. And, you'll pretty much do anything.
Which brings back the incredibly unpleasant memory of waiting to go into that first surgery, signing papers that they kept bringing in, my daughter nervously sitting by my stretcher, just wanting them to DO IT. PLEASE. NOW.
OK, there, I've got that off my chest. I have been living with a low grade headache for so long, and gotten so used to it, I was beginning to think that I was home free. I put those awful times away, along with the fear that I might not be able to withstand it all. Like childbirth, I put it all behind me, and forgot the pain, forgot the way it takes over, and changes you.
But like childbirth, once it's reality again, you remember all too well. You can't believe that you actually forgot about it.
Unfortunately, there isn't the reward here, that comes with giving birth to a child.
I've only been weaving a little, here and there. I can't do more. I haven't been gardening, or doing yard work either.
I've kept up my walking with Naya, and I'm still losing weight, which is encouraging at least.
I've been reading, and did a little retail therapy. I bought a car. Ha!!!
Who knows how stable I really am mentally. Now there's a good question.
I recently dyed this bamboo.....a beautiful blue.
So when I saw this Subaru Forester, I fell in love.
I adore this car.
I also bought this little Structo loom......hard to find in this great condition.
We'll take it to shows, and use it for demo.
I weave in short spurts.....half hour here, half hour there. It's not exactly what I want to do, but it's what I need to do.
Restocking möbius shawls for upcoming shows.
This one is cotton and hand dyed bamboo.
Today, I did very little....picked up my new car, came home and read all afternoon, with heat on my neck.
Sometimes, I just have to give in, even though it's really not in my nature.
I feel bad bitching, I think about my blogger friend, Vicky Westra, and I know that she deals with much worse than this, and she does it with grace, and courage, and she inspires me......every day.
When I think some days, that this is just too much....I can't do it........something kicks in, and I know that I can. I know it because Vicky has shown me, and so many others, how it's done.
One day at a time, one minute at a time, not letting go of hope for one second. Taking this day, and being so grateful for it, no matter what.