Crazy as a Loom

Friday, March 10, 2017

Looking ahead.

I am staying busy in the studio........thankfully, ideas keep coming.

I wonder how, sometimes, but they still come.

We are weaving a few things.

Lois is weaving  shawls in undulating twill, bamboo and cotton.

I am weaving cotton towels on 16 shafts on the AVL, and in between I am weaving placemats in M's and O's in organic natural cotton on the Wolf Pup.
And we have spools all wound for a warp on Monday, more organic cotton, for bath towels in a honeycomb pattern on the Schacht 36".
AND, we have a custom order to be woven on the Union Custom upstairs.

Recently, I found out that someone I knew about 50 years ago, had died last September.  He wasn't local, so it was understandable that I hadn't heard it.  This guy was just someone I knew in my late teens, but someone I always remembered fondly.   He had an amazing smile, and a sweet, country boy way about him.  No games, no hidden agendas.  He was just a nice person.   He wasn't a boyfriend, but he wanted to be, and I think I may have not been very nice.

I hadn't seen him over the years.  I often heard about him in passing, how he'd married and had a family.  I was happy to hear that he seemed to be doing well.

Then, of course, years went by when I didn't think about him any more than I thought about anyone else I knew back in the day.
Then I heard he died.
Now I am not sure what button got pushed, I don't know what shifted in my head.
But for some crazy reason, I wanted to sit down and cry.
And for several days, I couldn't STOP seeing his face.  I couldn't STOP thinking about him at 18, even though in truth, he hadn't been 18 in a long, long time.

I really felt somewhat overwhelmed with sadness, and I could not, for my life, figure out why.
Maybe it was the head injury.
Maybe it's old age.
Maybe I'm losing my mind.

Then it hit me.

I was grieving for the youth gone by, the "way we were" so to speak.   His death just brought it home clearly.  We can never go back there.  If we have regrets, they are just feelings, and they don't change the reality.  Everything that came before this minute, is gone.  Over.  Done.

Is it just me?  Or does anyone else do this??   Sometimes I look back and find myself feeling bad about a lot of the choices I have made.   I made some doozies.  And I know that's foolish.  I know it is a total waste of time.
And honestly, I don't allow myself  to dwell on my mistakes for long.  But every now and then, something will happen, and a memory will surface, and I will wish for a split second that I could do it over, and do it differently.
But then again, I think that it's just a part of the human condition, that  if we spend too much time looking over our shoulders, we are bound to be critical of something we did in the past.  We aren't perfect.   No one is.

So I guess I better just keep looking ahead, before I trip and fall on my face.

So I just reopened my ETSY SHOP 

I have no idea if it will be worth it or not, but I figured I would give it a try.  I have a smattering of things on there, and I'd love to hear your feedback.

I know you all probably remember my labyrinth, behind the barn.  Well, every time my little 3 year old grand girl comes, she goes out there and runs around it.  She's quite fond of it.
Well, when I went to her house, she said she had a surprise for me, on the deck.  She made this for me.  And yes, she made this ...........

I told her, and it's true, it's the best gift I've ever gotten.

Then Sydney pipes up........

what about me??????


Deb said...

We all do this, Hilary. Look back, settle our mind on something that was significant in our life and think how we wish we knew then what we know now. I'm sure we would have done many things different. I think it's called growing up. Sometimes you have to wonder who that person was back then. How sweet of Dale to make that for you. It obviously means a lot to her. And Sydney need not worry on where she stands. Would you just look at that face. :)

deb said...

I think every living, feeling person has regrets of paths not explored, people not loved. The path of regret, though tough is one of memory. I have found that memory is everything good and bad. Youth can especially hold memories of regret, we were young, what did we know? Of course in our elder years it's understandable that we reflect back on the sometimes clue-less-ness of our youth and shutter, wondering what might of been different had we...and it often makes us feel very bad, forgive yourself, you were young...what did you know?

Karen said...

That little girl is simple amazing - what a lovely soul.

I think the emotions you are experiencing are part of the human condition. The feeling of loss, of regret, of time slipping away from us all, even guilt over past mistakes and behavior we wish we could rectify. The bottom line is you aren't the person you were then, so your decisions now would be different. Most often you'll find if you delve into it all - you did the best you could at the time with what you had to work with then. We learn and evolve as we age and hopefully arrive at a place where we look in the mirror and like the person we see now. That's the best we can hope for.. and the person I know through this blog window here is one pretty awesome, carrying soul.

Angela Tucker said...

Your granddaughter's gift is from the heart and so very, very special.

I used to look back on my life and wonder if I made the right decision. I have come to the realization that what I done. I can't change it at this point and all of it led me to here. If I had married someone else, I wouldn't have the awesome son that I have. If I had stayed in that comfortable job that I had in my twenties, I wouldn't have my job that offers me a great retirement. We all make decisions that change our lives in small, but important ways. I choose now to make the best of what I have every single day. I want to be remembered for what I brought to the world, not for what I took. And I think that it is wonderful that you remember your friend for his kindness and sweetness. There is no better legacy. Have a wonderful day.

claudia said...

There are so any things I regret, but those things have also brought me to the point where I am along with all the good decisions I have made. I just keep reminding myself that this is really where I want to be and not go overboard chastising myself for things I can no longer change. All I can do from here on out is my best...
Dale is such a sweet child. She knows what grandma needs!
Those weaves you and Lois have on the looms are so pretty! I unfortunately lost my weaving mojo when we moved and I discovered that somewhere along the move my "big" loom was broken. I can fix it, I don't know why I keep putting it off!

MrsB said...

When someone close in age to me, either a good friend or just a person I rememberfondly, I come face to face with my own mortality.
It's unsettling as I'm 71 this March. I took a couple of falls, not my fault, and hit head hard - twice in two weeks. I move tentatively right now. Another look at my mortality.

You're not alone. It proves you're human.

KAM said...

Regrets, when allowed to run rampant through me, never bring positive results. When they appear, as I write in my journal or in a time of "daydreaming" or night dreams, I have learned to turn them over and see what good has come to my journey from the experience. This took some practice, and much of the practice allows for me to grieve old stories that had no conclusion, or I left without resolution. Seems that there is a stack of events I would surely do differently now that the 70's wrap around me every turning those regrets into poems, into sketches, into thoughts that show me the bright lights on my life story make every day so much brighter...sometimes I plant something in the garden in memory of an unpleasant historical event, and bless the growing of something beautiful and new. The journey surely will continue to unearth bits and pieces of historical regret, and I will just keep looking at ways to use them for brightness in my life going forward. Ah, and yes, many a tear has fallen on the sketchbook, the earth as I plant or the fabric in my hands as I stitch...tears wash away the sadness and always bring me to a place of peace with whatever decided to visit me just then.
Thanks for sharing your story...and your grandchildren and the wonderful cat are always smiling when you show them you love...for sure.

Peg Cherre said...

A 3-year old made that labyrinth on the deck??!! Beautifully amazing. Amazingly beautiful.

Teri said...

Smart and sweet granddaughter.

I think you are correct that we prefer to remember things as they were long ago, when life was simple and we didn't have to deal with adult things. When I look at pictures of me and my late husband, I prefer the oldest ones, when we were teens and in our 20's and 30's. It's normal to regret some things, as long as it's just a passing thought.

My mantra, "You are exactly where you need to be."

518Frenchgirl said...

Hi Hilary, Your granddaughter has learned well from her Gramma, big pat on the back for teaching her to love giving joyfully. Your grief is well understood and it's completely compassionate to try to summon every memory and feeling you experienced in knowing this person, it is how you grieve. Your Etsy shop is know I am a huge fan of your dish towels. My daughters enjoyed their Le Creuset dutch ovens I got them for Christmas, each with one of your dish towels tucked inside. I always look to see if you are home when I go by your house, I'd like to stop in someday. Glad you are doing well and having a long creative streak. I have been creating ditties everyday too, made more owls for my Etsy shop this week. Take Care.

thotlady said...

I turned 60 years old this year and it hit a switch in me, as you said about your friend's death hitting you hard.

Before 60 I still had dreams for the future, but they seem to be lost now, after 60. I hope some day to get them back.

Sandra @ Thistle Cove Farm said...

You are not alone. In the past week, two women from my past have died, both of cancer. One some years younger and the other around my age. It's painful and does remind me that time is indeed flying. There are several ways to think...tempus fugit (time flies), carpe diem (seize the day) or, my favorite, festina lente (make haste slowly). I'm still struggling with the house restoration, still fighting with the insurance "adjuster", still getting up every day and, some days, doing what needs to be done. Today, a friend called, asked me to meet her for lunch and, beside the laptop, a glass of Alka Seltzer screams "drink me NOW".
As Dave liked to say, "Some days you eat the bear and some days the bear eats you." Lately, the bear has been feasting.

Daryl said...

losing someone of our own age seems to trigger something .. its i believe an awareness of our mortality .. havent felt that way in a while but i do remember learning of a friend's passing when i was in my early 20s and that rocked my world for a long time ...

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