But then, you never see yourself saying goodbye to the two people who brought you into the world. The ones you see bits of every time you look in the mirror.
My heart was heavy, while my head was filled with pictures of them throughout my life.
When my mother first died, I didn't cry. I couldn't. I wasn't surprised, really.
Back in 1973, when I was 26, and my first cousin, Jo Anne, was 30, she dropped dead on her kitchen floor, while her daughter was doing homework at the table, and her son was playing with his cars nearby.
I didn't cry then, either. I just got very sick. Then later, in about a month, the tears came like a flood.
Yesterday I cried, and I woke in the night crying.
Maybe that's why my head is about to explode, or it could be just that I am getting closer to surgery, and the damn bone is pressing on my brain harder than ever.
My Dad and Mom standing in front of The White Elephant.....my Dad's shop.
Heterotopic ossification. That's what I have. No one understands it, there is no cure. A lot of soldiers come back from Afghanistan and Iran with blast injuries, and subsequent HO, which is what they call it. I call it HH, as you know.
I have cried a lot this morning, in pain, and frustration.
The worst frustration of all, I am going to confess to you, is that most everyone I love does not want to hear the unvarnished truth of this, and they sure as hell don't want to discuss it.
I can tell YOU this. I am not having any more surgery on my head after this week. I am done.
I can't do it again.
I can barely bring myself to do this one.
So I feel PRESSED to make my bucket list, and get working on it. How long do I have without a slammer??? That's the part that no one wants to talk about.
DH wants to keep his political job for 2 more years.
WTF?
My head might fall off by then.
I feel that I am burdening my blogging friends with my plight.
But here it is. I want to sell the business, and hit the road. I want to see as much as I can see of this beautiful planet, while I can.
Today I posted this on a few web sites:
After much thought, I am selling my very busy enterprise, Crazy as a
Loom Weaving Studio. It can be run from anywhere, as it is primarily an
online business, with wholesale customers as well. It will include several looms, including a 7' Toika for custom rugs, thousands of lbs of fabric, selvedge, loopers, etc. It
will also include a customer base, wholesale customer list, a Constant
Contact list of 1200, all my stock rugs, placemats and more, the name
and rights to Crazy as a Loom.Also, the kits that I have created, the Hip to Be Square Looper Loom, the Walking on Sunshine rag rug kit.The Prime Mate monkey from Solmate socks, the Socketbooks, a barn FULL of sock seconds. And the web site, and domain.I
am listing it for what I think it a reasonable price. All serious
offers will be considered. You can reach me at crazyasaloom@aol.comAs I am soon having another surgery, I may not get right back to you, but I will.
Yup, it's time. Maybe late, but time none the less.
I'll do what I can do, with whatever time I get that has a doable headache in it. I have long given up the dream of "no headache". That doesn't even exist in my world anymore.
I don't know what the future will bring me, but CHANGE is sure at the top of my list.
I guess it's never a good idea to think that your present situation is permanent. It almost NEVER is.
Some scenarios last longer than others. When I look back at how my life has evolved, at how many different times in my life there have been, I am amazed.
No less now.
I didn't see this coming.
I didn't want it.
Somedays I grit my teeth and bear down on it with all I have, just to get through it.
It has changed me.
It has changed my life.
One hundred years from now, it won't matter one whit.
All that really matters is today, tough or not. This is the day I have. I can bite my tongue and not say what is on my mind or in my heart.
Or I can let it rip.
You know what I choose. I have never been good at the alternative.
Loom Weaving Studio. It can be run from anywhere, as it is primarily an
online business, with wholesale customers as well. It will include several looms, including a 7' Toika for custom rugs, thousands of lbs of fabric, selvedge, loopers, etc. It
will also include a customer base, wholesale customer list, a Constant
Contact list of 1200, all my stock rugs, placemats and more, the name
and rights to Crazy as a Loom.Also, the kits that I have created, the Hip to Be Square Looper Loom, the Walking on Sunshine rag rug kit.The Prime Mate monkey from Solmate socks, the Socketbooks, a barn FULL of sock seconds. And the web site, and domain.I
am listing it for what I think it a reasonable price. All serious
offers will be considered. You can reach me at crazyasaloom@aol.comAs I am soon having another surgery, I may not get right back to you, but I will.
Yup, it's time. Maybe late, but time none the less.
I'll do what I can do, with whatever time I get that has a doable headache in it. I have long given up the dream of "no headache". That doesn't even exist in my world anymore.
I don't know what the future will bring me, but CHANGE is sure at the top of my list.
I guess it's never a good idea to think that your present situation is permanent. It almost NEVER is.
Some scenarios last longer than others. When I look back at how my life has evolved, at how many different times in my life there have been, I am amazed.
No less now.
I didn't see this coming.
I didn't want it.
Somedays I grit my teeth and bear down on it with all I have, just to get through it.
It has changed me.
It has changed my life.
One hundred years from now, it won't matter one whit.
All that really matters is today, tough or not. This is the day I have. I can bite my tongue and not say what is on my mind or in my heart.
Or I can let it rip.
You know what I choose. I have never been good at the alternative.
33 comments:
Keep letting it rip. There are others out there facing life changing challenges just as you are. I never expected to be where I am at only 44 years old. Living in pain every day sucks. Everything about my life has changed over the past year and a half. I wasn't prepared for any of it. So I try to get out and enjoy the days I can and no longer feel bad about the days I don't. Good luck with selling your business.
I cried every day for a week after my mom died. Sometimes, even now after 16 years, it just hits me and I cry. Comes out of nowhere but I always feel better after and very thankful that I was her daughter. I expect it will happen to you, too. I'm sad that you are feeling so frustrated and I understand the need for a big change. I hope it is a BIG change that you are looking for. I think you need that. You will always feel an attachment to CAAL just as I did with Pampered Pups Pastries after I sold it. But it gets easier with time and now I don't even think about it. I always felt it was the right time. I hope you do, too. Good luck, Hilary. Hugs, Deb
My sincere condolences Hilary, I cannot imagine the sadness in losing your mother, it's one I have yet to experience.
I surely hope the doctors have the wisdom and expertise to cure you of your dreadful headaches, do what you have to in order to make your life less stressful.
The very best of luck selling your business, someone will be fortunate enough to own a treasure !
Hugs to you dear friend.
~Jo
I cried for a month when my dad died and have not shed one tear since my mom died. We simply feel what we feel and cry when the time is right. Change can be such a wonderful thing, Hilary and selling the business may bring some great surprises your way that you never expected. I wish you love and comfort with the surgery. Life just is what it is sometimes. Love you.
Hilary,
Keep expressing your anger and frustration with us, your blogging friends, we are safe. We love you and want the best for you. Please do what you feel is right, you so deserve peace and no headaches, so do what is best for you. this year alone I lost my best friend, my mother in law and my dog. still crying, still ok to cry. you go girl, go with your guts.
Grab while the grabbing is good. Attitude is everything. To everything turn, turn. May the blessings of the universe be yours.
I don't have any words that will help you through your grief, or help you deal with the realization that your life is different with HH. I follow a couple other bloggers who are living with chronic pain post-accident or cancer. They have said that friends and blog readers "leave them" because they can't deal. I think that's shallow. Having been the strong backbone of your family, I would imagine it's hard for your family to think of you in any other way. I hope this surgery gives you much better results than the others. And I hope that if you travel, you come to California so I can meet you in person and you can enjoy our beautiful coast. Hugs to you :-)
You can tell us, Hilary. Unload here. Work it out here. We will listen. Do what you must because that's all you CAN do. Condolences on losing your mom. Peace, Mary A
Hang in there. Sure hope this last surgery will give you some relief. Have a little faith. But then there is what my ole Daddy always told me. He said "son, nothing is ever so bad it can't get worse" (grin) But in your case, you WILL be better!
I truly believe that this is your last surgery because it will be the successful one. I'm not sure how I feel about you selling off your business but it's not at all important how I feel.. it's what you feel, of course. I'd just give it all a bit of time. Life has a way of falling into place more smoothly when we're feeling less stressed. That time is coming for you very soon.
You are a brave and incredibly strong woman. One of the strongest I've never met. I can't wait until I can take that "n" away from the word "never."
Hugs to you, dear one.
Hillary, I am so sorry for your loss....I have been out of the country & just got on to read your news. And another surgery!! Hope this surg goes easily for you & gives you some relief!!
You need to unload somewhere and your blogging friends are glad to listen. I'm so sorry for your plight - the loss of your mother and the surgery. A desire for change seems normal considering what you are facing. You have loved your business and been successful. Now is the time to have some fun. DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!
I don't feel burdened by what you write to us one bit. Keep telling us! Please?
I am so sorry that this is happening. You don't deserve it.
You are always in my heart and prayers. (((HUGS)))
Yes Hilary, keep your comments coming. I always check each morning to see if you've left any....life is so hard at times...change sometimes makes it feel better.....do what is right for you. Sorry over the loss of your mom and also sorry you're going for another surgery. You know the saying, "Third time never fails"...so this is the ONE that cures it all. I feel that!
Celia~Maine
We all keep coming back to read and we care and will listen. Deepest sympathies for your loss and I hope this final surgery is the charm!
We are with you every step of the way.
Dawn
I've tried to come up with words of comfort that don't mimic others... to no avail. Grief and grieving are individual things and I believe it's good to sit with it, allow it to wash over you and let it out.
As for the next surgery, there is no way to know that it won't just just kick the whole headache thing to the curb for good..positive thoughts.. onward!
As for the rest... YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Oh Hilary,
My mom has been gone 3 years and I cry at the darnedest times. Just feel what you feel. I am sorry that the doctors are giving you such bad news but I think I like your bucket list. Tell DH that it is your time. (He probably just can't face it yet). Get a motor home and hit the road. There is not better way to see the country. Enjoy your Low pain days while we all pray for a miracle (They do happen you know). Unload here any time. We are here for you! Praying & Hugs,
Rose
Hilary, I was so sorry to read of your loss of your Mother. I so understand your grief...lost my mother, dog, cat, and if that was not enough after 16 months of being my husbands caregiver he died 5 weeks ago. I share it all to who ever will listen. With that said I have read your journey from the beginning as have others. I found that in my own situation people I thought would be there...could not. They could not handle the realities of life,the changes, the good and the hard. So all of that just to encourage you to keep sharing your journey, as it helps you and it may help others. Life is short and each day has it's own gifts. Do what you feel you need to do. Mark Twain had it right:
"20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails, explore, dream, discover."
Mark Twain
So keep crying, embrace your grief over your losses, mourn all of them...you will be better for it. Take it all a day at a time and do what YOU need to do. I hope the business sells quickly. And please, keep blogging. Keep sharing. My grief is on Facebook and my blog because it works for me...I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Praying for you and your up coming surgery. Peace...
What can I say to you except you are up against the wall and doing what you have to to survive.
I am sorry that this has happened to you.
I hope that this surgery helps you.
May someone buy your business and may you be able to enjoy your days and moments.
As someone who has health issues, I know how this goes. I've had three surgeries this year and have two more waiting for me.
I know that feeling. The hope. The knowing that you have to do this.
Just enjoy each moment. That's what I do and in the morning with that new day, just do it again. It's all we can do.
Thinking of you,
JC
Tears or not, everyone grieves in their own way on their own time table. I've lost 3 family members this past year, it just hits me with sadness at the oddest moments, not necessarily the funerals.
In the most awful way, you have learned such a valuable lesson... we don't have forever here. So glad you are getting on with your bucket list!
Just let her rip! And you have to do what your heart tells you to do...and what you body still allows you to do. (Know that too well.) Go for it while you can. Life it too short and too beautiful to waste. :)
My favorite novel (the only book I have read 3 times) WHAT'S BRED IN THE BONE by Robertson Davies. Wishing you the best on the next leg of your journey. Do consider a trip to The Garden of One Thousand Buddhas (an international peace garden of deep healing in Arlee, Montana). I would be happy to accompany you from Missoula (my home) to Arlee just a half hour North of Missoula. I know that is thinking far ahead, but I thought I would toss it out there. This past spring, I dedicated a grove of trees there in honor/memory of my daughter, Siobhan, who was abducted, raped and murdered in 1974 (when she was 5 1/2) There were 100 friends and relatives at the dedication, and the level of healing was beyond anything I could have imagined. I named the dedication "Healing That Which Cannot Be Healed". You sure qualify, but then we all do at some level. Sending love, Bonnie
My heart goes out to you, Hillary. May you be blessed with joy on most days, and may your loved ones be able to have honest discussions with you.
I'm sure you'll find the right person to buy your business.
I hope you'll keep blogging, even when reading you makes me cry. Crying is good sometimes.
When you have things settled, you should consider seeing a doctor that specializes in pain management. I too have chronic head and neck pain, the result of a medical procedure that didn't go as planned. The pain clinic gave me my life back. It takes a while and some trial and error, but there is a good chance you can manage your pain.
I wish you the very best in your upcoming surgery.
Bless you Hilary. It's so hard to part with a loved one especially ones parents. I think all of us of a "certain age" have lost at least one parent. Doesn't make it any easier that's for sure.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Beautiful new baby!
Hi Hilary....
Get that surgery over with, get well and get on the road... you won't ever have to pay for over night parking as you have wonderful followers on CAAL who would love to have you visit. Yes... even down under in Australia.
The very best wishes and healing vibes to you. AND you have such a successful, and happy business, it will be some one's dream come true to own it. Take care. xx ps I have waited for 5 yrs to go travelling with my partner each winter. Didn't happen and now he's ill. Shoulda, coulda, woulda ???
I wish you the very best Hilary. I hope this surgery does the trick.
I used to read your blog for the weaving. The more I read, the more I came back for your words of wisdom rather than the weaving. Your patience and logic are always inspiring to me. Even though we've never met, I care what happens to you and want to know how you are doing. Please keep blogging. I can't wait to see the beautiful pictures of your bucket list :)
I've followed your blog for years and have always admired your work, your work ethic, your love for your family, and your generosity in sharing your journey. My condolences for losing your mother. I hope that your surgery helps to make you more comfortable and that the road ahead shows you some beautiful vistas. Take care, Patti
Keep talking, Hilary- we all care about you and support your decisions. We are here for you!
Annie
I always say, you can only make the best decision you can with the information you have at the present time. It sounds like that is what you have done.
Go for it!
Sad that it takes tragedy, death or sickness to make us realize what is most important in life.
I am sad that you are selling your business. When I first decided to go back to weaving rugs after being away from it for many years, yours was the first that popped up on Google.
I loved that you had bought the house, had all yours kitties and looms there and had this lovely business going on. Your excitement and enthusiasm for looms and weaving, helped me to regain what I had lost.
I do understand the need to let go, move on and make the most of the rest of your life. I have been at the cross roads of crisis that shifted me in a totally different path and I am now rejoicing in those new choices.
There will be other cross roads to come, new choices and letting dreams go, but that is a part of life.
I pray that you continue in what ever path you chose to have the same enthusiasm and joy that you have shown so far.
New doors will open that will surprise and bring you much joy. Just remember that we as your friends would like to go on the ride with you, where ever that may be.
Louise
never say never
sell the business, enjoy life as you want to but dont say never because its too final
as for the crying .. i lost my parents within 3 months of each other ... dad passing was a blessing, i didnt cry .. mom's passing was a shock but i didnt cry .. and then one day for no reason, no apparent reason i had this overwhelming sense of sadness and tears fell .. i seem to be the sort of person who is strong when things happen, then at some point maybe when i have been able to assimilate the pain, the loss i express it ... in any case hugs to you for everything xo
I get it. We all love you, good and bad, pain and pride. Holding you in my heart, as you enter the next phase of Hilary.
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