I imagined. I experienced waves of pure terror.
I wanted to get there, to that surgery date. And I wanted it behind me. I wanted it to be the right decision.
Then I thought: what other decision is there?
(By the way, today is the first day I can sit upright, and the first time my laptop has been opened.)
Sunday night, daughter #1 and I went to Great Neck, checked in at the hotel.
Monday was a busy day. Ct scan, physical, consult, preclearance at the hospital.
"Your wait will be about 3 hours". I didn't even ask if she was kidding. The people packed into every corner spoke volumes.
But between all that, we went to an older part of Great Neck, to a lovely little French restaurant, for lunch.
It is a choice to be miserable. And even if you expect to be somewhat miserable by unavoidable circumstances, you can find joyful things all around to slip in between, if you just look.
Can I just tell you right here that I have three angels for daughters?
Brooke, Holly, Morgan.
I am blessed to be their mother. I could not have done anything more meaningful in my life.
And we watched the geese and a pair of swans outside our window.
We both had the Onion Soup.
O.M.G. to die for.
I refused to think about the upcoming "EVENT", or the pain and the awfulness that would ensue forthwith.
When I woke up in recovery, I knew that something had happened. Something big.
My daughter said that the surgery took longer than anticipated, and when the doctor came out the first thing he said was that he was DELIGHTED with the surgery. He said that there was WAY MORE bone and scar tissue in there than he thought, that it was pressing on the dura of my brain, and he was pretty sure THAT had been the problem.
First couple days post op, misery. You know that, right?
And most of the pain is from the muscle spasm from the retractors they used to get where they wanted to be.
Then they asked me if I wanted to go home, and since the yahoo visitor had spent most of the night in the next bed while the patient he was visiting was in the chair. Lights blaring, talking, TV on.
(I texted daughter #2, she called the hospital, and he LEFT)
But still, home sounded like a good idea.
The ride home was tough, but my fave nurse was waiting patiently.
All three of my angel daughters took care of me right through to yesterday. They did the nursing TLC stuff that nurses USED to do, back when I went to school. And I had drugs. Thank God.
Some Percocet, some Valium, a lot of sleep. Heat/ice/heat.
NOW HERE IS THE GROSS PICTURE OF THE INCISION. ..........so close your eyes and scroll quick if you are squeamish. I think it speaks volumes.
OK, you can look now.
Here is Nurse Roy, finally calmed down, finally OK, now that Mom is home.
DH calls him the big brown wart on my butt.
This is probably the farthest he has been from me since Thursday.
But here's the deal. The one I know in my heart.
They pulled a chunk of cement out of my neck. It's gone, and I feel it.
And the pressure behind my eyes is gone.
And I feel myself, at last. AT LONG LAST.
Back, from somewhere I never want to go again.
And this time, the tears are joy, pure joy.