Well, here it is a few days later.
After my last post on Friday, I cried a lot. I stomped around. I got angry, and then sad.
I felt overwhelmed, cheated, duped, tricked.
I stayed awake all night, thinking about all the horrible things that might be about to happen to me.
The possibilities, the pain, the recovery. Or the lack of one.
I cried some more.
I asked the UNIVERSE, WHY?
I looked for some meaning in all of it, and came up empty handed.
I had a headache on Friday and Saturday that just about put me to my knees. That didn't help my
I got offended when those close to me tried to pacify me with platitudes, like "everything is going to be just fine." I wanted my fear to be acknowledged, even if it couldn't be driven away.
Then yesterday, my headache lifted a little. I took a breath. I tried to find my center. I tried to push the craziness away.
Today, again, was more bearable.
This morning, over my morning cuppa tea, I took myself over to Vicky's blog, that I've been following for a long time.
I listened to her last post, with my heart. It's hard to listen to her any other way.
I was humbled.
I took Roy for a morning walk, and through even more tears was grateful for more things than I can count.
And I turned it around.
I started thinking about something other than the "what ifs".
I thought once again about that saying that has been my life raft for 20 years now.
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am
disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation
-- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no
serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being
exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."
There is more, but that's the first line, and the one engraved in my head. Along with some extra bone, so the story goes. (Ha!) The extra bone is the reality, that I need to accept as mine, no matter what.
I went to the studio, and got busy. I refocused to what was right in front of me, because that's always the best place to start.
I cleaned the Living room, and moved some things around. The clutter was bothering me.
I listened to classical guitar on Pandora.
I practiced gratitude. Big. Time.
For those of you who were upset with my doctor, please don't be.
He is a fine surgeon, and a fine human being.
He wanted to do a Skype with me, to save me from the 4+ hour drive one way to his office.
I was the one who said, we don't need to Skype, just shoot me an email. Enough already with the details.
I just wanted to know. That was ME, not him.
Dr. Harold Rekate was the one who looked at my MRI, and identified the problem. It was the same MRI that I had dragged around for a year, the same one that other neurologists and neurosurgeons had looked at and saw NOTHING.
I don't want another doctor. Seriously.
You can read about him HERE He has the kindest face, and when he speaks to you, you know that he really IS that kind.
My CT scan is tomorrow, and I am all set up for our SKYPE appointment afterwards, to discuss the
I read something today that resonated.
It said: God only gives you what he thinks you can handle.
Apparently, God thinks I'm a BADASS.
Thank you all, for being out there still, and for holding me so close.
You are indeed a badass.. why else do you think you're so loved? I'm glad there's been a bit of an easing. Keep us posted.
Oh, and I love those colours.. I meant to mention that before.
Unfortunately family does not always know what to say and they want it to be ok, they don't want to see you hurting and they are afraid, also. I like your quote/mantra that helps you get through the day.
Yep. You are a badass and I have known that since I started reading your blog. Onward my Dear... do what is necessary to gain back control of your life without pain.
Hey Badass... you can do this!
Karen and Steve
The USA Is Our Big Backyard
I am sorry that you are having a hard time. Family is not always as helpful as they think they are being, but at least you have us.
When my daughter died, my mantra became "It is what it is". I trust that there is a plan, even if I don't like the plan or understand it. Like you, I live with chronic pain (back and hip mostly). There are times I go stand in my yard, look up at the heavens and release my pain and anxiety to the cosmos. It helps. And it helps to be a badass too!
Feelings follow actions. Amazing, but true. So your practicing gratitude was just what the doctor ordered, so to speak. May you find joy in each moment, and relief from that darned headache.
There is a young family here, mid 30's with 2 young boys. Hard working, fun loving, great couple. A week ago he was in an accident and they still don't know if he will survive, or what quality of life he will have if he does pull through. It makes me pause when things happen because life really can change in the course of one day, or one minute of one hour. And then the next day, life keeps going if you survive the event. The changes can be so very hard, but we really have no choice but to accept life on life's terms. And hopefully the steps forward will become okay. Good for you, making the day your own.
I have the deepest respect for you.
I send you warm hugs and wishes of aloha.
Cheers to all the Badasses! Your courage gets you and others (like me) who read your words the strength to endure what life throws at us. Hope all works out well for you.
I heard that same quote from my mother for years and after she passed away, I shouted to God..."seriously! I can deal with this?" Then, my daughter passed away and again, I yelled, cursed, and thought my life was over. Guess I'm a badass too, 'cause I'm still here for some purpose, I hear you Hilary, XOXO
BADASS to the bone! You rock girl.
Vicky has such a grace about her, I can always count on her to remind me of what's really important. Her courage and outlook are amazing, and she shares it with her readers so well.
You too, kiddo, you are so REAL and so -heartfelt - in this world that is sometimes outrageous..
And hell yeah, thank the powers that be that you're a badass.
Hoping your better days are truly ahead, and you will look back on this time at some point and say.. well, it sure as hell made me stronger!
Love to you - K
Mais bien sûr....
your followers will always be here.
I take back wanting to slap your doctor....a little bit.
okay ... i acknowledge your fear .. and remind you you carried that MRI around for a year .. i am not saying things would definitely have been different if you'd taken it to him sooner ... but i do know that you should have definitely told him how often and how intense the headaches were after the surgery ... also as long as i am lecturing, stress equals tension ... tension means tightening of muscles and that adds to the pain ... yeah you are a badass but you need to try to be kinder to yourself especially since the headache god is not .. now i am running for cover since i know i have overstepped
Well I am not sure you are a badass, but you can truly tell people you are a bone head. Hang in there we are all praying for you. I feel your pain.
I don't know why there is suffering, I just know that it is a reality for so many people. I can't imagine the uncertainty you live with. You are a Badass!
Your quote reminds me of one that has helped me over the years, "We are only unhappy when we want things to be other than they are."
yea, easy for me to say, I don't even get headaches.
I wish you the best and will say a prayer for you.
Though I've only followed you for a short time, I feel your pain...and I pray your pain subsides. I admire your life working at what you truly love. I'm just starting down that path myself. I've endured the pain part for so long, I know it tries to rule your life, but the things you love, and people you love, oops! And the kitties you love all are God's way of helping you hang in there. Sending you hope, prayers, and hugs!!
You're the best. You're the bravest. I feel lucky to know you even if I've never met you. You're my hero.
Oh Hilary- I don't get over often enough- and seriously- you just moved me beyond words. Praying sweet friend, for relief from symptoms and answers that provide clarity and a direction to move yourself in... BADASS- yep, I'm with you!!
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