Crazy as a Loom

Monday, November 12, 2012

The fork in the road.

I have had a rough few days, trying not to worry about the "slammer" behind my eyes.
Hoping it's just a fluke, a blip on the screen, a bump in the road.
But it's worrisome, because it hasn't been like this for 10 weeks.
I had a different headache, not like this.

So the bottom line for me, is that I don't know where I'm headed.  Anything is possible here.  There are probably more bridges to cross.

I only know that it feels like I have a mountain in front of me, an unmovable mountain.

All I really want is calm waters.

So, faced with this somewhat revolting turn of events,  I am mogging through the days.  My spellcheck says there is no such thing as "mogging", but what does spellcheck know, really?

I have been mogging, none the less.
Doing as little as I can get away with, trying not to perseverate and make myself crazy.  Also, trying to get interested in anything, anything at all, to take my mind off this, and not having much luck.

And it's true, that no matter how many people care, or how much you are loved, you endure pain on your own.
There is no other way to do it.
I haven't posted much, because I was honestly not very motivated, and didn't have much to say.
I feel badly that I am talking here .....AGAIN......about a freaking headache.

But it does occur to me, daily, how fragile our lives are.  How tenuous.
People work until they drop, putting off retirement.
I am so, so grateful that I had 7 years between the prison I worked in, and the prison created by hitting my head on a rock.  There's some connection there, but I am too tired to figure it out.
I could have been working as a nurse in that jail all this time, waiting for the day that I could weave full time.  I probably would still have hit my head on the rock, as I feel that the rock was waiting there for me, and if so I would have missed a very meaningful time in my life.

Usually, when you encounter change in your life, it is gradual.  You can't pinpoint the day that the change began to happen.
I can.
That simple.

The biggest change is how I feel about my life, and about what I am doing.
I used to want to work every minute of every day.  I was geared for production, and focused on making Crazy as a Loom a success.

But the path I have been walking has had its effect.
Suspension bridges, and unnavigable waters.

Now I wonder why I thought all that was important.
I know now it's not.

The times, they are a changin'.


Country Girl said...

no matter how many people care, or how much you are loved, you endure pain on your own.

So very very sad right now. For you.

Anonymous said...

There has to be something your doctor can offer you to help with the pain of the headache. I know you are a strong woman and I hope you are being insistent with him to solve this for you and not to just say that it will get better. That's not an answer when someone is in pain. It's just not.

I'm pissed at him.

Dizzy-Dick said...

You write so beautifully and the pictures are great!! My wife and I hope your pain will go away soon and you will be in our prayers.

Acorn to Oak said...

I'm sad to hear that you're feeling such bad pain again and feeling so discouraged. I hope it is just a bump in the road. And, even though you are alone in your pain, I hope that all the people who are thinking about you can make it a bit easier, a little lighter, and a big more manageable. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Country Gal said...

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time and are in so much pain , I hope there is something your Dr can do to help ease the pain and help you recover . You're in my thoughts and prayers !

Need A Latte Mom said...

Thought you were on your way.
And you are going to the doctor again when?

messymimi said...

All i can offer for all the insight you share is my prayers that you are well soon.

Susan said...

Oh Hilary, I know I haven't known you for long but I keep good thoughts that this is just a bump in the road and full recovery is in your grasp. Love, XOXO

claudia said...

My best wishes and prayers are with you.

Karen said...

What does your brain surgeon say about the return of the headache?

Have you been taking any muscle relaxants? I still believe, because of my own horrible experience, that you might now be suffering that kind of headache. The way it was explained to me... it's a very hard cycle to break, the muscle tension headache, but it is possible.

Wishing you a full recover, very soon. -

Anonymous said...

Please,please do not give up,do not surrender. It is just a bump in the road, a lesson you should learn,a story to tell your followers after all this is over and you are a healthy headaches-free woman again. I know you will be fine at the end.Love and hugs from a greek friend. Dimitria

MarthaVA said...

I know you contacted the dr once already. I'd do it again. And this time, I'd insist on a discussion as to why you have another killer headache for 10 days. I think if you were getting one here or there, it might be ok. But a killer headache for 10 days just doesn't sound right to me.
I know you don't want to hear what he might say, but go for it, and don't accept the easy answer. Make a stink, stand up for yourself, and do it! PLEASE!!!


Laura in IA said...

You do not know me but I think of you and what you must going through often. Head injuries are so difficult. I have been told there are new discoveries because of the many Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI) being suffered by our recent war veterans. Are there any online support groups? My sister has suffered for 5 years from a work related injury. Different symptoms but it has totally affected her entire life. We search for answers daily and pray we will find the right one sometime.

As for something to occupy yourself, I am a quilter and suggest you try that with some of your wonderful fabrics. It can satisfy your pleasure of working with color and fiber in a different way. For a complete sewing novice try stack and slash. There are art quilts and modern quilts along with my favorite, traditional.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck.

ain't for city gals said...

Oh hard for you. My suggestion would be to go back to the time right after the stress...stay calm...take what you need to stay as pain free as possible right now. Don't try to tough it out. The body does have a "memory" and when you start doing the things you did before (weaving a lot) it will go back to the way it was before...the lack of desire might be just part of aging...I feel that way and I certainly have not gone through what you have.

Daryl said...

i am confused ... you said you emailed the doctor .. did he respond? have you actually spoken to him? and he said?

i will bug you til you speak to him and report way e said ...

Yes you go through pain alone but you don't have to actually be alone ...

Suzanne said...

I must echo what everyone else is saying. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much. Pain sucks. Period.

Please Please be a squeaky wheel. Call your doctor and get some answers. Even if it's not what you want to hear, maybe it will lead to the path that will fix this once and for all.
My thoughts are with you...

Devon said...

I am so sorry this has happened... you are alone with your pain, but you are not alone.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.. I hope you are able to get some better answers soon.

Times of transition, the not knowing, I think are the hardest.

Welcome to my world.

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Because every thread counts