I have had a rough few days, trying not to worry about the "slammer" behind my eyes.
Hoping it's just a fluke, a blip on the screen, a bump in the road.
But it's worrisome, because it hasn't been like this for 10 weeks.
I had a different headache, not like this.
So the bottom line for me, is that I don't know where I'm headed. Anything is possible here. There are probably more bridges to cross.
I only know that it feels like I have a mountain in front of me, an unmovable mountain.
All I really want is calm waters.
So, faced with this somewhat revolting turn of events, I am mogging through the days. My spellcheck says there is no such thing as "mogging", but what does spellcheck know, really?
I have been mogging, none the less.
Doing as little as I can get away with, trying not to perseverate and make myself crazy. Also, trying to get interested in anything, anything at all, to take my mind off this, and not having much luck.
And it's true, that no matter how many people care, or how much you are loved, you endure pain on your own.
There is no other way to do it.
I haven't posted much, because I was honestly not very motivated, and didn't have much to say.
I feel badly that I am talking here .....AGAIN......about a freaking headache.
But it does occur to me, daily, how fragile our lives are. How tenuous.
People work until they drop, putting off retirement.
I am so, so grateful that I had 7 years between the prison I worked in, and the prison created by hitting my head on a rock. There's some connection there, but I am too tired to figure it out.
I could have been working as a nurse in that jail all this time, waiting for the day that I could weave full time. I probably would still have hit my head on the rock, as I feel that the rock was waiting there for me, and if so I would have missed a very meaningful time in my life.
Usually, when you encounter change in your life, it is gradual. You can't pinpoint the day that the change began to happen.
The biggest change is how I feel about my life, and about what I am doing.
I used to want to work every minute of every day. I was geared for production, and focused on making Crazy as a Loom a success.
But the path I have been walking has had its effect.
Suspension bridges, and unnavigable waters.
Now I wonder why I thought all that was important.
I know now it's not.
The times, they are a changin'.