What a difference a few days can make.
Yesterday and today I have actually stayed home. First time in a long time.
This is where I need to be.
The fates conspired, and I don't have any orders hovering over me. That is a good thing.
I don't like to make people wait.
My mother is in quite a bit of pain, and on top of it, she is one handed. Even at 86, she is used to doing everything for herself. She even does all the laundry in the house. She jokes that she worked in a laundry when she was 16, for 4 years, in England. And now she is back at it. It's a natural she thinks.
Lots of things remind her of her childhood these days.
So this is tough for her. Not being able to do the things she does every day.
I needed to be here, to set the tone.
Schedules are good, when your whole world is tossed upside down.
And walking is big on this schedule, because I know how quickly someone her age can lose the strength to do just that, walk.
So through the house she goes, with a cane for security, with me right behind her. I said, "Sorry if I become Nurse Ratchet."
She said," You already are."
Funny, how 30 years of nursing gets into your pores, and no matter how much you don't want it, when something like this happens, you feel like you are in a time warp.
How I loved nursing when I started. I read everything, studied hard, wanted to understand it all, wanted to be able to do it all. I loved wearing scrubs. I loved the responsibility, the hard work, the details.
I loved all of it. It was a huge part of who I was.
When did I stop loving it?
Ah, no matter, I did stop anyway. Probably 20 years of working in a maximum prison for adult male felons.
The worst New York had to offer.
Maybe it was the HIV blitz in the 80's, when the mortality rate was high, and being in prison wasn't the worst thing that could happen, but being in prison with AIDS just might be.
It might have been the 'brotherhood' that prevailed, or the disconnect between government, and what really happened behind those walls.
And the shift work and double shifts didn't help.
I never thought I would forget the sounds, and the smells, and the way it felt to walk down those corridors.
But I think I may have.
Yes, I stopped loving it a long time ago.
But I know what to do for my mother, and I know what she needs.
That, too, is a good thing.
So while I have been home, in between taking care of her, I have been cleaning. Spring cleaning that would make "L", the queen of spring cleaning, damn proud.
Wow, my house is sparkling. I have been somewhat neglectful it seems.
While cleaning out books and papers in my bedroom, I came across a Mother's Day card from my youngest, Morgan. That's her with my mother.
There is no date on it, but you can tell she was very young when she wrote it.
To my mother on Mother's Day.
Mom you are very special to me in every way.
When I think of all the reasons why, it gives me a special feeling inside that no one else can give me.
Everything you do for me will stay with me forever.
I love you very much!
Happy Mother's Day!
It made me teary, and I realized how true that was. Because everything my mother has done for me, will certainly stay with me forever.