Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Disappointment is the word today. While I won't go into specifics, I will say that it involves someone who was close to my family, who has disrespected us in the most hurtful of ways. It has brought me back to times in my life that I didn't realize I remembered so well. I suddenly felt like I was becoming my mother. After a couple of sleepless nights, restless dreams, and racing thoughts, I knew it was time to yank myself up short.
So I did.
I went back to the words of the program that saved my life years ago, and I made a decision to let it go.
I can't be responsible for another human being. I can't walk down anyone else's path.
What this person has done, well, it belongs to him. He will have to face himself in the mirror. I can only scramble to maintain my own equilibrium, and put my hand out to steady anyone who wants the help. Other than that, I need to let it go. I prayed hard to get to that place today, and I will have to keep praying for a while.
So I did what I could today. My productivity took a hit. I couldn't concentrate very well. So I did drudge jobs that didn't take much thought. I sewed blue jeans, I fed the birds, and then I tore apart old rugs to be rewoven. It is tedious work. The rugs have been washed, and when I painstakingly get them undone, I put the used weft into a plastic bag until I am ready to weave them into a new rug.
A long time ago, in an unhappy time, I wrote a letter, actually a litany of complaints, to my old English teacher. She was in the Philippines at the time, with her new husband, and her first child. They were in the Peace Corps. I was barely 21, and she was in her mid 30's. I told her how unhappy I was, and that I didn't like my life much, and I didn't know what to do next.
Her answer didn't make much sense at first. But funny, I remember it like it was yesterday, and I have reminded myself many times of what she said, because it has come to make so much sense.
She said, in so many words, that I should go do some laundry, hang clothes out on the line, appreciate the smell of the towels when I brought them in; make some cookies, take a walk, sing to my new baby, rock her in the rocking chair. In other words, I should live my life. That day. One day at a time. Same advice I got at Al Anon so many years later. Keep it simple.
So I guess that is what I was doing today. Back to basics.
Al Anon has another saying........"This too shall pass". And I know it will. I know we will all get through this, and we will be OK.
I am a great supporter of the 12 step program. As I have said before, it saved my life. But even more than that, the simple truths in those steps is part of my thought process. Some days it takes me longer to get to those truths, but sometimes the circuitous trip is necessary. I appreciate the end result so much more.
What is that they say....no pain, no gain?
At any rate, I am going to find an Al Anon meeting. I haven't been in years, my life is so peaceful and without drama, I haven't needed one.
But I need one now.